Keeping a Girl Around That You Previously Asked Out as a Friend....

January 30, 2020

So during the summer, I asked a girl out and she said no. We had been friends for 6 months prior and she even got me involved with the church group that I went to. But she stopped going and I cut all contact with her after she rejected me.

Well recently, I reached out back to her and see if she wanted to just walk around and talk for a little bit, and I said just as friends to make her think that it wasn't a date or anything. I just wanted to get back in touch with her and needed someone to talk to about some of my problems with school and clubs that I am in. Anyways, we met up today for about 30 or so minutes and I asked her if there were any other clubs that she would recommend joining and she recommended checking out this other church group for college kids.

As long as I don't catch feelings for her, I think i'm going to keep her around as a friend for a couple of reasons. For one thing, it's good to have a female friend around since it's good practice talking to girls, and having that validation from someone being friendly towards you. And secondly, because we have a lot in common, she can introduce me to new groups and other people, potentially other girls. Plus I enjoy the validation that women give me, I crave it. As long as I can keep my feelings for her in check, I know that she's probably not going to fall for me.

January 30, 2020

Horrible idea buddy...

TFY

January 30, 2020

I think that sounds like a great plan for exactly the reasons that you have stated, GuitarGuy !

^ right as I wrote this and about to push reply, I see tfy’s post. lol. Screw it, I’m replying anyway lol. You always make me second guess tfy!!

January 30, 2020

What validation do you get from a person who rejected you being friendly towards you? I mean I understand being friends if there is actually grounds for a friendship like common interests etc. I don’t know. I would not do this if I were a guy. Sounds like a great way to cuck yourself, but I see people doing this all the time so there must be something to it.

Edited January 30, 2020 by Cookiesandough

January 30, 2020

You’ll have to really be untruthful to yourself and pretend that you won’t catch feelings for her; you still have feelings for her because you reached out to her after she rejected you. You’ll have to forget her man, as hard as it is.

Edited January 30, 2020 by Interstellar

January 30, 2020

I gave a short answer as I am a bit tired,. but here's the longer version, just for you KK...

While no guy should do it, especially a guy that already is struggling shouldn't be led around by a woman that already knocked his dick in...And she probably is too nice to tell you to beat it(in more ways than one), so she is just playing along....She is probably weirded out by you at this point...

Nothing in this for you....What validation do you want? The validation that a woman that thought you weren't good enough to be a bf is ok patting you on the head like a puppy? And practicing talking to her in hopes of getting better at talking to girls would be like kissing your cousin on the cheek in hopes of becoming a passionate kisser...

Sorry to be blunt, but just move on from her and protect your dignity..

TFY

January 30, 2020

17 minutes ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

I think i'm going to keep her around as a friend for a couple of reasons. For one thing, it's good to have a female friend around since it's good practice talking to girls, and having that validation from someone being friendly towards you. And secondly, because we have a lot in common, she can introduce me to new groups and other people, potentially other girls.

Wait a minute. He’s not mad that she rejected him. He’s trying to make a positive step in his life! Finally thinking ahead.

Why is what he is thinking, wrong? Why would her friendship be wrong or a negative thing. He already knows she doesn’t like him more than a friend and he’s ok with it.

Isn’t going out and maybe meeting other people that she may know or trying a group that she may know about better than sitting in the house making threads about he’ll never have a girlfriend or get laid ?

January 30, 2020

3 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

I gave a short answer as I am a bit tired,. but here's the longer version, just for you KK

Thanks I don’t get it but you’re the guy and probably know more about a guy situation so, I’ll concede to you and rethink it.

January 30, 2020

Well my plan is to go to this new church group that she invited me to and then try and meet girls there. Maybe she has friends there that I can hit it off with and they will be willing to date me. Also, I will continue to go to the other clubs i'm in at my school and try and talk to other girls as well.

If the semester ends and this all fails and every single girl I talk to and ask out rejects me, there are several options that I could possibly do during the summer to try and solve my dating woes.

- Consider doing surgery to improve my overall appearance. Plastic surgery so I can become more facially attractive, maybe leg lengthening surgery to make me taller, but probably not as it's too expensive and risky. Also possibly making my voice deeper and more masculine. All of this in the hope that I will become more physically attractive so girls are more willing to date me.

- Go to Nevada and lose my virginity to a prostitute.

- Try to get rich so girls will actually start giving me a chance.

January 30, 2020

@TFY. Not that I think OP's plan is good. But puppies like being patted on the head. Sometimes ANY positive human interaction is gratifying.

@GG. Personally, I like the get rich option best. Even if it doesn't get you laid, it has an intrinsic up side. Medical intervention is uncertain to help and might damage your body. But it's certain to cost money. And, given the combination of cost, disease risk (assumed to be controlled in Nevada), and emotional detachment, I prefer masturbation to a hooker.

January 30, 2020

I think it is a good plan to talk with this girl as a friend, and yes keep your non-platonic feelings in check as she made it clear she doesn't see you that way. Girls have friends who are also often girls and that is the very best social circle way to meet women.

January 30, 2020

9 hours ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

- Consider doing surgery to improve my overall appearance. Plastic surgery so I can become more facially attractive, maybe leg lengthening surgery to make me taller, but probably not as it's too expensive and risky. Also possibly making my voice deeper and more masculine. All of this in the hope that I will become more physically attractive so girls are more willing to date me.

- Go to Nevada and lose my virginity to a prostitute.

- Try to get rich so girls will actually start giving me a chance.

(1) On surgery, I guess you'd have to talk with your friends but I find it hard to believe your face is so bad it is not anyones cup of tea, like wise your height.

Let me bring up my favorite example, Danny Trejo, he is so counter to everything I thought when young that women would go for. And I don't mean him specifically, but men that have his look who are not famous or rich even. Women go for all sorts of looks, some think Tom Cruise is cute and sexy, others not even; same for Tom Sellek a completely different type. Again, I use famous people so you can look them up but have heard these evaluations about just normal guys.

I believe your money would be far better spent on working on the inner you, counseling, coaching, etc. (just don't get a PUA type coach)

(2) Nevada and prostitutes, will say if you go this route be prepared to never ever speak of it to women you date and lie. It's legality is not the issue. There is a very, very high chance that if a woman you are seeing finds out about this she will drop you in a second.

(3) Well striving for financial success, and the work it entails especially if doing it above board and not stepping on others, will build a whole host of attractive qualities even if you never get the money. Let me just say, money doesn't solve the problem. It certainly doesn't make it easier to find a LTR, sex maybe but when you have alot to lose you can be a target.

January 30, 2020

1 hour ago, SumGuy said:

(2) Nevada and prostitutes, will say if you go this route be prepared to never ever speak of it to women you date and lie. It's legality is not the issue. There is a very, very high chance that if a woman you are seeing finds out about this she will drop you in a second.

Agree that if you do this, it's not part of your history to "share" with any true partner, even one you love and trust, as there's a real risk of it damaging things. Sometimes perception is everything. Also, even though it's Nevada, get the STD check just in case afterwards.

Given your overall situation and needs, though, I can see why going the legal prostitution route makes sense to you in the shorter term. Don't go for any street hookers though (e.g. once you get back home). There is lots of bad news there.

January 30, 2020

13 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

I gave a short answer as I am a bit tired,. but here's the longer version, just for you KK...

While no guy should do it, especially a guy that already is struggling shouldn't be led around by a woman that already knocked his dick in...And she probably is too nice to tell you to beat it(in more ways than one), so she is just playing along....She is probably weirded out by you at this point...

Nothing in this for you....What validation do you want? The validation that a woman that thought you weren't good enough to be a bf is ok patting you on the head like a puppy? And practicing talking to her in hopes of getting better at talking to girls would be like kissing your cousin on the cheek in hopes of becoming a passionate kisser...

Sorry to be blunt, but just move on from her and protect your dignity..

TFY

I stayed friends with women i rejected romantically and vice versa I even ended up dating one who initially rejected me.. I never looked at it like I’m not good enough to be her boyfriend I think that’s the wrong way to look at it.some people are just meant to be friends..

but these women were also my true longterm friends who I didn’t plan on falling for and vice versa but did so we already had a very close bond/relationship for years so aside from my or her romantic feelings we cared about each other a lot even if it was platonically.

I agree with you here because 6 months of friendship is not long enough to create that kind of bond so it’s gonna seem like he’s orbiting her more then it is a true friendship at this point.

Edited January 30, 2020 by Pat77

January 30, 2020

8 minutes ago, Pat77 said:

I stayed friends with women i rejected romantically and vice versa I even ended up dating one who initially rejected me.. I never looked at it like I’m not good enough to be her boyfriend I think that’s the wrong way to look at it.some people are just meant to be friends..

but these women were also my true longterm friends who I didn’t plan on falling for but did so we already had a very close bond/relationship for years already aside from my or her romantic feelings so we cared about each other a lot even if it was platonically.

I agree with you here because 6 months of friendship is not long enough to create that kind of bond so it’s gonna seem like he’s orbitering her more then it is a true friendship at this point.

I don't keep and never kept any real female "friends" so I cant relate to that, but your theory isn't far fetched either...Either way, I just cant wrap my head around the idea that a guy could have either been in a relationship where there is actual affection/sex involved or just plain rejected, then take them on as a friend …..Its just weird as hell...to me anyway..

TFY

January 30, 2020

^ thank you. I was feeling like the only person who felt that way.

January 30, 2020

27 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

I don't keep and never kept any real female "friends" so I cant relate to that, but your theory isn't far fetched either...Either way, I just cant wrap my head around the idea that a guy could have either been in a relationship where there is actual affection/sex involved or just plain rejected, then take them on as a friend …..Its just weird as hell...to me anyway..

TFY

well I think it’s hard at first.. The person has to take time away from that person and process their feelings but it can be done for some people but not all.. I had to take a step away at first because seeing my friend who I caught feelings for in a relationship would have crushed me at the time so I get what you’re saying.

also men and women friendships can be tricky especially when one is single and the other is in a relationship.. my best female friends boyfriend is jealous of how close we are and doesn’t like her talking to me a lot so I get why you stay away..

Edited January 30, 2020 by Pat77

January 30, 2020

36 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

I don't keep and never kept any real female "friends" so I cant relate to that, but your theory isn't far fetched either...Either way, I just cant wrap my head around the idea that a guy could have either been in a relationship where there is actual affection/sex involved or just plain rejected, then take them on as a friend …..Its just weird as hell...to me anyway..
TFY

My male friends certainly outnumber my female friends but I've had many, and have, female friends. My whole life.

I can say a woman does appreciate greatly a man who can be a true friend, and is not just orbiting, etc. Maybe because it is so rare.

I've never been sexually attracted to them and vice versa (as far as I know and pretty certain on that). I know it may not count, but my sister is my friend,an she's a woman. If it helps, these female friends are more like sisters...if that makes any sense. If you view it that way does it make more sense? I really don't have a problem or see anything weird with being platonic with people of the gender you are attracted to, not all heterosexual interaction is about sex, in fact most of it isn't.

Now former lovers, very tricky. Someone you asked out and said no (rejected sounds harsh) doable if you can be mature enough to be cool with them not feeling the same way and moving on. Granted, sadly, in my experience most can't. But when you can those can be some of the best friendships, as they may feel a little bit "guilt" and help set you up.

January 30, 2020

Sumguy, if you can honestly say you’ve never been attracted to them, not a single one of your female friends, at any time, then I can understand that. They may very well be your female friends. Men who are “friends” with women they wanted to sleep with and rejected them... that’s what I question. I’m not friends with men whose romantic advances I rejected . That would seem imbalanced to say the least.

Strong proponent of the ladder theory right here

Edited January 30, 2020 by Cookiesandough

January 30, 2020

@cookies. I had to look it up. Way to go!
http://www.laddertheory.com/
You realize of course, that if you were a dude, you'd now have identified yourself as a 'sexist pig' (nospam looks in the mirror, chuckles, and starts chasing his 'nice guy' card which has mysteriously escaped from his wallet and is now blowing away on a gust of wind.)

January 30, 2020

59 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Sumguy, if you can honestly say you’ve never been attracted to them, not a single one of your female friends, at any time, then I can understand that. They may very well be your female friends. Men who are “friends” with women they wanted to sleep with and rejected them... that’s what I question. I’m not friends with men whose romantic advances I rejected . That would seem imbalanced to say the least.

None of my female friends are ones I've asked out and been told no, or vice versa. I have maintained for a while, a couple of months to a year, friendships with women where we met and didn't feel the chemistry. Those usually fade just because we had no strong day to day meeting connection, that's part of me being an introvert.

There are certainly female friends I've had that I find attractive, that's different than attracted to.

Also if a female friend of mine is married I just don't let my thoughts, or maybe I'm inherently that way, wander to the sexual realm.

Maybe that is odd, despite having a high libido it's also under control and channeled appropriately. A lot of folks though seem to think people just can't keep their hands or minds off each other unless they find each other repugnant, that an attractive man and a woman together always means it leads to sex eventually. It's a pretty low view of humans, that we are just animals unable to control our lusts, or pretty insecure, or your hanging around the wrong people, etc., etc.

January 30, 2020

1 minute ago, SumGuy said:

Maybe that is odd, despite having a high libido it's also under control and channeled appropriately. A lot of folks though seem to think people just can't keep their hands or minds off each other unless they find each other repugnant, that an attractive man and a woman together always means it leads to sex eventually. It's a pretty low view of humans, that we are just animals unable to control our lusts, or pretty insecure, or your hanging around the wrong people, etc., etc.

TBH, Ive never met or been with a woman that would be "ok" with me having female "friends"...Even if they did, they wouldn't feel good about it...and I wouldn't want to make a partner feel insecure about it... I mean, ...None...Nada.....zilch...I can only imagine the stress it would put on a current partner if she knew I kept a female as a friend that was once a gf....(shudder...)

But I know there are guys that do it and women who tolerate it....difrent strokes, I guess..

TFY

January 30, 2020

Thanks for mentioning Ladder Theory - I hadn't heard it. It is cute and definitely somewhat explanatory, esp about the "friends" stuff. Really not bad. I don't think it's fully complete though - as they point out there are exceptions, such as the couple pictured on the ladder consequences page. In my view, the takes given in A Billion Wicked Thoughts are more complete (although nothing's ever 100% complete and accurate when it comes to romance). However, a lot of the good summary and analysis articles there were about ABWT seem to be dropping off the web, meaning one would have to buy it and wade through it, which is a bit much. Oh well.

January 30, 2020

15 hours ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

Well my plan is to go to this new church group that she invited me to and then try and meet girls there. Maybe she has friends there that I can hit it off with and they will be willing to date me.

What a great way to "keep someone around as a friend." Have them take pity on you, invite you to a church group in pursuit of God, then use it as an excuse to hit on all her friends and make everyone involved incredibly uncomfortable. For a second there I was worried you might be going to church for spiritual reasons.

January 30, 2020

That’s pretty much my main intention of going, I want to meet girls.

At the previous church group I was in, I didn’t meet any girls. Guys would say hello to me but girls never said hello to me, I tried talking to several girls but most of them were unreceptive. Tried asking some girls out from the band (I ran the audio board for a little bit) but they all rejected me.

Also, the church group was too big. Easily 200+ a night so it’s kind of hard to meet new people. Also, not enough activities with opportunities to connect with people except for small groups but I’m not interested in that.

The group that my friend invited me to, she said it was smaller and not as cliquey. This might be better for me as hopefully there is better opportunity to connect with girls. I might check it out for a semester, try to meet people there and see if I can meet some girls there.

If that doesn’t work out, then I can always leave.

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