Ruby Slippers Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 51 minutes ago, Kyra said: Is it normal to want to be loved by someone you love or is it unreasonable to want deep love-type feelings from your SO when the relationship gives you everything else you want? Yes. I think most people, if you peel away all the layers of nonsense, want REAL LOVE most of all. There's nothing finer or more precious in this world. Not money, not sex, not fame - there's absolutely no substitute for real love. 3 2
stillafool Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 1 hour ago, Kyra said: Is it normal to want to be loved by someone you love or is it unreasonable to want deep love-type feelings from your SO when the relationship gives you everything else you want? Of course it's normal to want to be loved by the person you love or what's the point. No one wants to be in a one sided relationship and if your feelings don't match that's what you have. He likes you a lot but you are in love with him. I would be concerned that one day he will meet a woman who will make him fall in love and then you'll be heartbroken. It happens all the time especially in long relationships. Women hold on to a man who is not in love with her for years, they break up and then she finds out he's married to someone he's only known 9 months.
SumGuy Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 1 hour ago, Kyra said: Is it normal to want to be loved by someone you love or is it unreasonable to want deep love-type feelings from your SO when the relationship gives you everything else you want? It’s normal, it’s human, the opposite is abnormal. That it is so normal and deep is why it hurts so much. It follows from the above that it is not unreasonable. Alas, all that won’t guarantee your love is returned. It’s a bitter sweet thing... 1 1
Blind-Sided Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 11 hours ago, Kyra said: I'm frustrated that the replies - while well-intentioned - are mainly giving advice or judgement about whether or not I should be in this relationship at all and not addressing the actual question! But perhaps my question was too buried in context. Here is my only question: Is it normal to want to be loved by someone you love or is it unreasonable to want deep love-type feelings from your SO when the relationship gives you everything else you want? I understand... and I have also asked questions that go off track, or the responses are not based off the question. I actually had a thread in the OW/OM section locked because I was being criticized for trying to help a struggling friend. But in this case... I was actually done responding because I was frustrated that you were taking up a contrary stance to the question. To answer the question directly... YES... ABSOLUTLY your SO should love you. PERIOD. And YES, you should want to be loved by your SO. Now my frustration is... you are asking a question like this, but then say your FWB doesn't sown you love, but would like to be loved.... then in an another post, you say that you are OK with it, and aren't looking for anything more?????? Anyway... I wish you luck in how you move forward, and I hope you find love. But the only way you are going to find a true connection is to not be tied up in a situation that will keep a real SO from coming into your life. 2
Redhead14 Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 15 hours ago, Kyra said: I'm frustrated that the replies - while well-intentioned - are mainly giving advice or judgement about whether or not I should be in this relationship at all and not addressing the actual question! But perhaps my question was too buried in context. Here is my only question: Is it normal to want to be loved by someone you love or is it unreasonable to want deep love-type feelings from your SO when the relationship gives you everything else you want? No it is not reasonable/realistic to expect more from an FWB situation . . . 1
scooby-philly Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 OP, I guess I didn't understand your question. At the most basic level, yes, it's absolutely 100% to want to be loved by the person you love. But...I'm going to call b.s. - I think you're asking the question because either you need reassurance that you wanting out (Because the fwb doesn't love you) is okay or you're looking for ammunition to shoot him with.
Redhead14 Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 16 hours ago, Kyra said: is it unreasonable to want deep love-type feelings from your SO when the relationship gives you everything else you want? This guy is not your SO. He is your F buddy. They are two different things. So maybe it's "normal" to develop feelings for an F buddy, it's not normal to expect that in return. Normally, a person would move on when they realize they want more from the F buddy if they are being rational and cognizant of the type of arrangement it is. 3
elaine567 Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 You need to look for love in the right places. Here you have no commitment and no love either. You want and need him to love you, else what are you? A service provider? A glorified escort? Some "filler" person, he uses whilst he is waiting for someone better? People love their dogs after 3 years, why can't he love you? You ask yourself, "What is wrong with me?" It is not I imagine a great feeling. If he doesn't love you, then he could also walk out of your life tomorrow. None of that sounds great after you have invested 3 years of your time into him and you love him. 3 2
Redhead14 Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 Air Supply . . . Making Love Out of Nothing At All.
FMW Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 Ha! Redhead14, your Air Supply reference made me click on this thread and read it - I wondered how it got to that reference! OP, yes, it's normal to want your feelings of love to be returned in full. So if that's all you wanted from this thread, you have that confirmation from several posters. Your friends or whoever is questioning why you want that are probably just trying to drive home the point - like many posters here - that it's not going to happen in this situation, and that should be clear to you at this point in your FWB relationship. So you either accept it, however sadly, and continue or remove yourself. But either way, it is what it is and isn't going to change. It's a waste of energy and emotion to keep analyzing it. 1
Author Kyra Posted February 1, 2020 Author Posted February 1, 2020 7 hours ago, scooby-philly said: But...I'm going to call b.s. - I think you're asking the question because either you need reassurance that you wanting out (Because the fwb doesn't love you) is okay or you're looking for ammunition to shoot him with. Neither at all. At most looking for reassurance I guess that I'm not abnormal in wanting to be loved even though that theoretical love wouldn't change the relationship. Seems like a normal human desire to me - hardwired into our brain by nature and society that love is the ultimate goal. Yet 4 out of the 5 people I have told in real life about my situation & desire reacted as if my longing to be loved by him is bizarre. I couldn't understand why they don't understand (including 2 counsellors) and I was curious what the general population thinks.
scooby-philly Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 Well if that's really the extent of it then you have your answer
basil67 Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 (edited) 57 minutes ago, Kyra said: Neither at all. At most looking for reassurance I guess that I'm not abnormal in wanting to be loved even though that theoretical love wouldn't change the relationship. Seems like a normal human desire to me - hardwired into our brain by nature and society that love is the ultimate goal. Yet 4 out of the 5 people I have told in real life about my situation & desire reacted as if my longing to be loved by him is bizarre. I couldn't understand why they don't understand (including 2 counsellors) and I was curious what the general population thinks. I think you're quite normal. Wanting things we can't have/which are illogical are part of the human condition. Perhaps when you come to terms with this, I think you'll find yourself in a better position to ask yourself the inevitable "I'm dissatisfied - what should I do next?" And don't forget, him not loving you is exactly why he can give you the casual relationship you desire. Change his feelings to love and he will likely want more than you want to give. Edited February 1, 2020 by basil67 1
Ruby Slippers Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 2 hours ago, Kyra said: At most looking for reassurance I guess that I'm not abnormal in wanting to be loved even though that theoretical love wouldn't change the relationship. I think it would change the relationship. If nothing else, it would change how you feel about the relationship, the degree of faith you have, excitement, inner peace - which is a critical ingredient in the recipe for happiness in a relationship. I was once with a man in a serious relationship who was amazing on paper - highly accomplished, responsible, serious, good-looking, charming, reasonably caring, taking all the right steps toward marriage - but I never got the feeling he really loved me, so I just couldn't do it. Maybe my life would have been easier if I'd stayed in that situation. But I wouldn't have been true to myself, and I knew that eventually this would lead me to some kind of breakdown, which wasn't fair to him, our potential kids, or myself. 2 1
beentheredonethat77 Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 (edited) On 1/31/2020 at 4:15 AM, Kyra said: I'm frustrated that the replies - while well-intentioned - are mainly giving advice or judgement about whether or not I should be in this relationship at all and not addressing the actual question! But perhaps my question was too buried in context. Here is my only question: Is it normal to want to be loved by someone you love or is it unreasonable to want deep love-type feelings from your SO when the relationship gives you everything else you want? Yes. It is normal to want your SO to feel the same way as you. For me, to exist in a relationship with anything less is sad and settling. Everyone deserves to feel truly loved in a relationship. You said he "Likes you" and spending time with you. This would hurt me greatly. The affections he shows you can be shown to anybody he 'likes' ... He is telling you he isn't in love with you. This would hurt anybody. Edited February 1, 2020 by beentheredonethat77 1
basil67 Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 BTDT, I don’t agree that everyone deserves to feel truly loved in a relationship. If one is in a relationship for say, money or appearance only, they don’t deserve love. (Not referencing the OP)
Blind-Sided Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 17 hours ago, elaine567 said: .......... You want and need him to love you, else what are you? A service provider? A glorified escort? ........... It's even worse than that.... you become a FREE escort. LOL Nothing wrong with a FWB, because you get a mutual return. (Pleasure and company) But when it becomes one sided... then it's not a good situation, and you are just fooling yourself. 1
Calmandfocused Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 I agree with all those who have stated that the desire to want to be loved by someone we love is completely normal. However kyra, I need to say it: I think you’re in denial. You tell yourself (and us) that his level of commitment sits just fine with you however reading between the lines you are not fine with it at all. His lack of emotional commitment makes you feel worthless and you’re struggling with this. whilst you’re outwardly accepting something that deep down you believe is unacceptable, you will never truely be happy in this relationship. You may convince yourself that you are happy but the truth is that you’re not. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 I am somewhat confused by all of this. The OP planned for a FWB, is happy with the FWB dynamic, but has stronger feelings for the FWB who doesn't seem to reciprocate in kind and then what??? What if he does? What if he wants more because he does? Is the OP hoping to or planning to abandon the highly coveted FWB relationship and, let's say, move in together? Get married? People 'should' not expect that their partners are at the same point in commitment regarding how they feel about the other. Especially when a FWB relationship automatically suggests that full commitment is not to be had and that will immediately tighten the spigot of advancing any added energy to one's feelings. Are you two monogamous? Interesting indeed. I had the woman I am dating recently confide in me that she had very strong feelings for me. That she wants me to ALWAYS want her...I am not at that point. As I get to know her, I feel that there are issues that may not allow me to move to where she is. Should I feel obligated to feel as she does? NO. In the OP's relationship, it seems that the circumstances in which the nature of relationship was agreed upon would make it less likely for reciprocal feelings...not naturally in favor of them.
Author Kyra Posted February 2, 2020 Author Posted February 2, 2020 9 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: I am somewhat confused by all of this. The OP planned for a FWB, is happy with the FWB dynamic, but has stronger feelings for the FWB who doesn't seem to reciprocate in kind and then what??? What if he does? What if he wants more because he does? Is the OP hoping to or planning to abandon the highly coveted FWB relationship and, let's say, move in together? Get married? No, I thought I tried to make it clear in my post that I certainly don't hope or plan to change move in together or get married, or substantially change the relationship in any way. I believe if he did fall in love with me he would still be of the same mind on this. He would, like me I believe see that the best way to maintain our passion and independence would be to continue effectively dating as we are without the need to live together. Quote People 'should' not expect that their partners are at the same point in commitment regarding how they feel about the other. .... . Should I feel obligated to feel as she does? NO. In the OP's relationship, it seems that the circumstances in which the nature of relationship was agreed upon would make it less likely for reciprocal feelings...not naturally in favor of them. I have absolutely NO expectations of him reciprocating my feelings. I would never ask him to, nor blame him for not falling in love with me
basil67 Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, Kyra said: I believe if he did fall in love with me he would still be of the same mind on this. He would, like me I believe see that the best way to maintain our passion and independence would be to continue effectively dating as we are without the need to live together. What makes you say this? Because if I had a dollar for every guy I knew who wasn't looking to settle down and then found 'the one' and promptly married, I'd be rich woman. Edited February 2, 2020 by basil67 3
Author Kyra Posted February 2, 2020 Author Posted February 2, 2020 3 hours ago, basil67 said: What makes you say this? Because if I had a dollar for every guy I knew who wasn't looking to settle down and then found 'the one' and promptly married, I'd be rich woman. LOL. For a start he is 60 years old and has never believed in marriage. There are many other reasons not worth explaining. You'll just have to trust me 1
basil67 Posted February 4, 2020 Posted February 4, 2020 Ah, for some reason I thought you were quite young. Forgive me if you stated the ages and I didn't see.
Author Kyra Posted February 4, 2020 Author Posted February 4, 2020 13 hours ago, basil67 said: Ah, for some reason I thought you were quite young. Forgive me if you stated the ages and I didn't see. It's cool
Recommended Posts