Isn't it normal to want to be loved by your loved one?

[Kyra]

My "boyfriend" and I started as FWB but we both became infatuated pretty quickly, then I fell in love. We have a great relationship but he doesn't seem to have deep feelings for me. He says he likes me and enjoys spending time with me, he is caring and affectionate. He doesn't see why this isn't  enough for me. In a way he's right in that I don't want to get married or anything, I want the relationship to stay as is, yet I still long for him to love me or at least have deeper feelings than "I like you; we have fun together." We've been together almost 3 years. It's a very long time since he said he was infatuated so that seems to be gone.

It breaks my heart that he doesn't have deep feelings for me (especially as I thought he did) - but he, my best friend and even a counselor I went to can't understand why I care so much about how he feels since I don't want to live together or get married. Is this really so hard to understand or weird?

*In anticipation of questions - I don't want to get married or live together because I've done that and I want my own place and independence now (I'm 47). Part of me would like to live with him but I'm sure that would ruin our relationship. It's perfect as is except for this one thing - which apparently I'm weird or unreasonable for wanting. What do you think?

[Blind-Sided]

This is the main reason that FWB normally end badly. One or the other will fall deep, while the other is just having a good time.   But regardless... I'm sorry for your situation, and yes... you would hope that your partner would have deeper feelings. But the reality is... he has never been "Your Partner" or your "Boyfriend".

In my life, I've only had 2 FWB situations.  One time, I was moving far away, and it was a friend of a friend.  She knew this, and wanted it anyway.  So, for a week, it was hot and heavy.  But I left, and she would send letters, and call.  I told her that it wasn't meant to be, as I was starting a new chapter in my life.  The second time was in collage.  This time it was a friend of my cousin. She was always hanging on me at my cousin's house, and she was the one who propositioned me one night when I was dropping her off at her house. She basically said "No stings attached" and un-zipped my pants while in my truck.   For several months, it was nothing other than a "Hook-Up" for me, but when I started to date my ex wife, she got mad.  It actually got to the point that my cousin had to step in and control her. (my cousin knew the details)  In that case... she was never someone I would have "Dated".  I was moving down the academic/professional track, and she was a simple country girl who was happy on the farm. We were just too different to be together.

OK... why did I tell you those stories??  I just wanted to let you see from the eye's of the other side. I know you 2 have been together for a long time, but you have made it easy for him to not move on... and giving him everything he wants, with out any real commitment.

Unfortunately... you should just cut it off clean, and move on if he's not going to commit to you.

[BaileyB]

Yeah, I’m about your age, dating a man who has been married before, just moved in together but we have no plans to get married... but if my partner told me he didn’t have deep feelings for me, I wouldn’t be very happy... I mean, I don’t really want to waste my time dating a man who can’t tell me that he loves me.

[mark clemson]

Different people are different and have differences in how they love (attachment styles, for example) and what they consider love to be, etc. He may be quite content with a "low emotion" relationship, even if you aren't. For many people the "giddy" first couple years feelings eventually settle down into a more "familial" love. He may be feeling this ad not recognize it as "love" or he may feel nothing - hard to say.

If you're unhappy, you're unhappy. It's unlikely (although I guess not totally impossible) that you'll find a way to increase his emotional attachment.

No specific advice, just a read on the situation for you.

[Ruby Slippers]

Everything's different and better with someone who really loves you. The way he/she looks at you, talks to you, kisses you, makes love to you, cares for you, considers you as part of the future. 

There's no substitute for real love. 

Edited January 30, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Redhead14]

It's not weird to want him to love you more deeply.  What's weird is that you know he doesn't, it's what you want from him, he can't give it and you continue to accept it the way it is.  If you want someone to love you, you need to find someone who wants that kind of relationship and can give it to you.  You are settling for less than what you need in a relationship.  You want more from him.  He can't give you something he doesn't have.  And, I'm going to ding him some here -- He knows you want more from him.  He should send you on your way.  However, he is content with the way things are, why should he end it.  You're the one who isn't completely happy and getting what you need.

It is possible to have a loving partner without living together or being married.  I'm doing that.  I am 60 and he is 66.  He makes me feel special.  He makes me feel loved.  He makes me feel like a priority in his life.  He makes me feel safe.  I can count on him and vice versa. Yet, we don't live together nor do we plan to get married.  Living together isn't out of the question.  But what you want is out there.  Don't settle. 

You will grow to resent him and/or just feel lonely anyway.  It's worse to be part of a "couple" and feel alone than it is to actually be alone. 

 

[Kyra]

Thanks everyone!

To clarify - I"m not asking whether or not I should leave him. I have to weigh up the positives and negatives, but it's not simple. I don't want commitment. I was never looking for a relationship or boyfriend. If I do decide not to be with him I won't be seeing anyone else. I only wanted a FWB and I happened to fall in love - which means I want to be with him. I don't want a man who loves me, I just want this man to love me because I love him.

He does make me feel special. He looks out for me and makes me very happy (most of the time). The way he looks at me, kisses me, touches me, and is always cuddling or holding hands, and trying to make me happy feels like being loved. Which is lovely but confusing!

I'm just really surprised by the reactions of most people I talk to about it - that it's strange and unreasonable for me to want him to love me

[Miss Spider]

It sucks that you have feelings for him that he does not have for you. I feel like you would be better off cutting your losses and finding someone crazy about you, because he exists. Unfortunately, it seems like this is what 9/10 ‘ ‘FWB’ boil down to — one person who has stronger feelings and the other person using that to their advantage.

 

I just experienced it myself. There was a guy I knew liked me, wanted to be couple, but I kept it casual because I didn’t want to commit or stop seeing others as well . I thought it was nice  to have this person I can call up whenever act like like my boyfriend was there at my beck and call , nsa, only when I wanted.  But I realized he’s only do that because he really likes me. I was taking advantage. So I’ve kind of backed off. But it’s hard because they make themselves so available 

 

It sucks because these situationships are a type of relationship and just as messy to get out of. 

Edited January 30, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Ruby Slippers]

That old Van Halen song "When It's Love" says it all: 

Quote

Everybody's lookin' for somethin'
Somethin' to fill in the holes
We think a lot but don't talk much about it
'Til things get out of control
Oh, how do I know when it's love
I can't tell you but it lasts forever
How does it feel when it's love
It's just something you feel together
When it's love
You look at every face in a crowd
Some shine and some keep you guessin'
Waiting for someone to come into focus
Teach you your final love lesson
How do I know when it's love
I can't tell you but it lasts forever
How does it feel when it's love
It's just something you feel together

Oh oh oh oh
Oh when it's love
Oh oh oh oh
You can feel it yeah
Oh oh oh oh
Nothing's missing, yeah

 

[Redhead14]

11 hours ago, Kyra said:

Thanks everyone!

To clarify - I"m not asking whether or not I should leave him. I have to weigh up the positives and negatives, but it's not simple. I don't want commitment. I was never looking for a relationship or boyfriend. If I do decide not to be with him I won't be seeing anyone else. I only wanted a FWB and I happened to fall in love - which means I want to be with him. I don't want a man who loves me, I just want this man to love me because I love him.

He does make me feel special. He looks out for me and makes me very happy (most of the time). The way he looks at me, kisses me, touches me, and is always cuddling or holding hands, and trying to make me happy feels like being loved. Which is lovely but confusing!

I'm just really surprised by the reactions of most people I talk to about it - that it's strange and unreasonable for me to want him to love me

No matter how you spin it, the relationship is not meeting your needs or you would not be asking this question.  It's not a good idea to stay in a relationship hoping the other person will change for you.  What you want is an ego-boost -- a man who just wanted an FWB but found you so endearing and so irresistable and so good for him as to fall in love with you in spite of himself.

You can't have it both ways -- either you want a real and mutually loving relationship that involves seeing each other frequently, sharing more of their lives, making you a priority, etc,  as in In Love, or you want an FWB.  What you really want probably is a significant other.  FWB and significant other are two different things in my book.

 

 

 

Edited January 30, 2020 by Redhead14

[SumGuy]

13 hours ago, Kyra said:

It breaks my heart that he doesn't have deep feelings for me (especially as I thought he did) - but he, my best friend and even a counselor I went to can't understand why I care so much about how he feels since I don't want to live together or get married. Is this really so hard to understand or weird?

*In anticipation of questions - I don't want to get married or live together because I've done that and I want my own place and independence now (I'm 47). Part of me would like to live with him but I'm sure that would ruin our relationship. It's perfect as is except for this one thing - which apparently I'm weird or unreasonable for wanting. What do you think?

I think your counselor is just trying to help you see it from other perspectives.  I do hope your counselor does understand why you care, maybe not.

My personal opinion of psychology is that it doesn't believe in love and paints a pretty dry detached picture of relationships.  Or at least the practitioners.  I don't blame psychology for this as I think it is a consequence of the profession mainly being designed to deal with really bad and dysfunctional behavior, which it can do well. 

What you have is unrequited love.   It's perfectly normal to feel the way you do.   You don't need to want to marry or live with someone to desire reciprocated feelings.

But also what you are hearing is also normal, if he acts in all the ways you want and the relationship (sans him saying he loves you) is what you want, maybe you can live with it.  

Also consider this, people say they love someone all the time but don't act it.  If his actions bespeak love and caring then take that to heart, actions speak louder than words.

Edited January 30, 2020 by SumGuy

[preraph]

There's a lot of men who don't ever seem to have deep feelings.  It's all about sex and the comforts of home to them.  And when it it's not convenient anymore because of something like this, they move on.  It started as FWB.  That's all you need to know about him.  

[Piddy]

You can't make someone love you.  It started out as recreational sex (no feelings) and now you want relationship sex (feelings).  However, he still wants the recreational sex with no love feelings.  One of two things needs to happen to make this work. 

He needs to fall in love with you which is unlikely.  Or you need to fall out of love with him, which may be difficult to do.  You're at an impasse.  If you stay together you'll always feel unfulfilled.  I guess this is the risk you take getting into a FWB relationship.

Edited January 30, 2020 by Piddy

[notbroken]

Unrequited/unreturned love is painful.  Very painful.   You say you don't want more from him yet just about everything you write contradicts that honestly.  You DO want him to love you.  We can't demand love from someone - they either do or they don't.   He may not even be capable of it.   Pain is ahead for you.  The more you fall for him the more pain you will get.   While you don't want that advice, you should probably guard your heart and find someone that at least has some potential to love you back.   I'm sorry.   Definitely a danger of a FWB arrangement.  I tried one and failed for similar reasons (though I was the one that just wanted FWB). 

[scooby-philly]

OP,

Some great advice. Want to highlight a few thigns:

@Redhead14 said:

It's not weird to want him to love you more deeply.  What's weird is that you know he doesn't, it's what you want from him, he can't give it and you continue to accept it the way it is. 

It is possible to have a loving partner without living together or being married.  

You will grow to resent him and/or just feel lonely anyway.  It's worse to be part of a "couple" and feel alone than it is to actually be alone. 

I agree:

• You're right for wanting someone to love you as much as you love them. 
• It's true - you both know he doesn't love you the way you want/need
• Eventually people "in love" need to live together for it to be a relationship, but especially at later stages in life there's no immediate rush, but over 5 years I would argue is a bit much. But moving on from that
• Agreed - it's way better to be alone and occasionally feel lonely than to be with someone in an unrequited love situation.

And @Cookiesandough was also spot on:

I thought it was nice  to have this person I can call up whenever act like like my boyfriend was there at my beck and call , nsa, only when I wanted.  But I realized he’s only do that because he really likes me. I was taking advantage. So I’ve kind of backed off. But it’s hard because they make themselves so available 

• You guy is happy and content because he's got everything he probably wants right now. But, you don't.

As for what you shared:

I don't want commitment. I was never looking for a relationship or boyfriend. If I do decide not to be with him I won't be seeing anyone else. I only wanted a FWB and I happened to fall in love - which means I want to be with him. I don't want a man who loves me, I just want this man to love me because I love him.

• Let's take this sentence by sentence. 
• Okay - you don't want commitment....but I have a sneaking suspicion that if you were to find out he had a one night stand with someone you would be mad. And, I bet, based on the last sentence, which I'll get too, you'd not entertain anyone else right now because you're in love with him
• Yeah - love can sneak up on us when we least suspect it. That's why FWB don't usually end cleanly as others have pointed out.
• You just revealed your fear - you have nothing else, no one else lined up. If you end things you're back to square one. But so what? Your'e 47 and sounds like you've been married or at least had ltr's before - so you know - better to have loved and loss.
• You're still hedging your bets. You know you fell in love and you know he doesn't love you. You let things continue because you can't stand the thought of the pain that will come from separation - but it's the only way to avoid even deeper pain in the long run.
• And again, I mean no personal offense here to you as a person, human being, or an individual - but you want him to love you because you love him. That's the stupidest thing I've read on here in a while. You can't make someone love you. And you've got a case of unrequited love. It sucks, but the faster you accept it, the faster you can start to move on

He does make me feel special. He looks out for me and makes me very happy (most of the time). The way he looks at me, kisses me, touches me, and is always cuddling or holding hands, and trying to make me happy feels like being loved. Which is lovely but confusing!

• So what's the problem? Is it because he doesn't say "I love you" or because he said he wasn't "passionate about you"? Or is it because you know you want something more and you know he doesn't? 

I'm just really surprised by the reactions of most people I talk to about it - that it's strange and unreasonable for me to want him to love me

• Why would you be surprised. You want to have your cake and eat it too. You got into a situation and he doesn't want more. You say you don't want commitment, but you want him to love you simply because you love him. That's a 13yr old girl's mentality. No offense meant - but you're 47. You know better. It's your ego wanting to protect you, but your inner child fell in love and you're scared of ending things because you know what that will mean - all the comfort you receive will be gone.

[Blind-Sided]

@Kyra Deep down, you know what's right and what's wrong. You are 47 now... how much older do you want to be when he decides it's time to move on?  Yes, he may kiss you, and hold your hand... but I did that also with my college FWB. I liked being with her, and having sex with her... but I knew it wasn't going to last, and that I personally needed a girl who I could have an intellectual conversation with. My "Farm Girl" was just someone to take to parties, and show off. (She was pretty) But all she could talk about was her horses, and how she helped her dad fix the tractor.  OK... I do like a girl who knows what end of the screwdriver to use... but I also have to be able to talk to her about current events, and finances.

Your FWB has been going on a long time, and there is some box that just isn't getting checked for him. And, I personally feel that a direct conversation is in order to find out what his future plans are. Your SO needs to love you back!!

 

[Kyra]

6 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

@Kyra Deep down, you know what's right and what's wrong. You are 47 now... how much older do you want to be when he decides it's time to move on?  Yes, he may kiss you, and hold your hand... but I did that also with my college FWB. I liked being with her, and having sex with her... but I knew it wasn't going to last, and that I personally needed a girl who I could have an intellectual conversation with. My "Farm Girl" was just someone to take to parties, and show off. (She was pretty) But all she could talk about was her horses, and how she helped her dad fix the tractor.  OK... I do like a girl who knows what end of the screwdriver to use... but I also have to be able to talk to her about current events, and finances.

Your FWB has been going on a long time, and there is some box that just isn't getting checked for him. And, I personally feel that a direct conversation is in order to find out what his future plans are. Your SO needs to love you back!!

 

Thanks, but I don't believe in commitment (at least in this stage of my life) and I certainly don't think that if he loved me it would be forever. His future plans is to continue as we are as long as it's working for us. He is getting everything he wants from this relationship. He doesn't want or need to love me (or anyone).

Edited January 30, 2020 by Kyra

[Foxhall]

20 hours ago, Kyra said:

I'm just really surprised by the reactions of most people I talk to about it - that it's strange and unreasonable for me to want him to love me

well this reaction is understandable considering you are essentially keeping him at a distance,

you want to feel more loved from him but you also want to keep him at a distance on your terms,

he in turn is also keeping a certain detachment from you,

I imagine there are plenty of guys who would be happy with this separate quarters living arrangement and give you a little more love ,  but if you want to maintain things with current guy, you will have to sacrifice a bit more personal space.

[RecentChange]

You know how the first rule of fight club is not to talk about fight club?

The first rule of a FWB is to not fall in love.

Very rarely does that end in a good way.

FWB are usually arranged because both parties agree that there is attraction and they want to have sex, but they do not want to have a full, in depth relationship with that person. 

In my younger days I really enjoyed a FWB situation. I had one in particular that lasted about 2 years that I look back on quite fondly. We learned so much about ourselves during that time.

But I was also so very careful to guard my emotions. To not allow myself to day dream about him, nor let myself go down those paths that lead to "falling in love". We had an arrangement, we had rules, and that would be breaking the important one. And while it may be easier for men to compartmentalize like this, I have seen guys struggle a bit - but we kept the boundaries clear.

Unrequited love, what a heart break.

Are you sure you don't want love in your life? The real kind, the deep kind? Because if you stay in this, your losing any opportunities to find it.

Curious, in the beginning, why FWB instead of a real relationship? What was the deal killer? 

[Kyra]

7 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

•  
• Eventually people "in love" need to live together for it to be a relationship, but especially at later stages in life there's no immediate rush, but over 5 years I would argue is a bit much. But moving on from that
• Agreed - it's way better to be alone and occasionally feel lonely than to be with someone in an unrequited love situation.

As for what you shared:

I don't want commitment. I was never looking for a relationship or boyfriend. If I do decide not to be with him I won't be seeing anyone else. I only wanted a FWB and I happened to fall in love - which means I want to be with him. I don't want a man who loves me, I just want this man to love me because I love him.

• Let's take this sentence by sentence. 
• Okay - you don't want commitment....but I have a sneaking suspicion that if you were to find out he had a one night stand with someone you would be mad. And, I bet, based on the last sentence, which I'll get too, you'd not entertain anyone else right now because you're in love with him
• You just revealed your fear - you have nothing else, no one else lined up. If you end things you're back to square one. But so what? Your'e 47 and sounds like you've been married or at least had ltr's before - so you know - better to have loved and loss.
• You're still hedging your bets. You know you fell in love and you know he doesn't love you. You let things continue because you can't stand the thought of the pain that will come from separation - but it's the only way to avoid even deeper pain in the long run.
• And again, I mean no personal offense here to you as a person, human being, or an individual - but you want him to love you because you love him. That's the stupidest thing I've read on here in a while. You can't make someone love you. And you've got a case of unrequited love. It sucks, but the faster you accept it, the faster you can start to move on

I'm just really surprised by the reactions of most people I talk to about it - that it's strange and unreasonable for me to want him to love me

• Why would you be surprised. You want to have your cake and eat it too. You got into a situation and he doesn't want more. You say you don't want commitment, but you want him to love you simply because you love him. That's a 13yr old girl's mentality. No offense meant - but you're 47. You know better. It's your ego wanting to protect you, but your inner child fell in love and you're scared of ending things because you know what that will mean - all the comfort you receive will be gone.

Thanks but lots of this is incorrect as you don't know the whole story so I'll try to clarify...

I disagree that "Eventually people "in love" need to live together for it to be a relationship". I have friends who have been a couple (in love) for 20+ years and never lived together nor need to. They've kept the spark and passion in their relationship because they haven't ruined it by living together. Just because I'm in love with him doesn't mean I need to be with him everyday. I'd like to see him more often but I have a full life outside of him.

Actually we have an open relationship and are both free to see other people if we want. Asking for commitment and monogamy doesn't guarantee you happiness, "security" nor reduce jealousy or insecurity. He's with me because he wants to be with me, not because he made a promise. None of this really has anything to do with the question or problem though.

"You just revealed your fear - you have nothing else, no one else lined up" - no, I think you've misunderstood my meaning there. I'm not afraid to be alone. I'm not with him because I wouldn't find someone else. I meant, if we broke up I wouldn't go looking for a man to love me - I never wanted that in the first place. Nor would I look for another FWB - I'd never find anything as good partly because it is more intense when you love the person, and it would be stupid to let myself fall in love again.

"You want him to love you because you love him. That's the stupidest thing I've read on here in a while. You can't make someone love you.... you want him to love you simply because you love him" - This seems to be the biggest misunderstanding. I'm not trying to make him love me. I'm not even asking here how to make him love me. I'm not even asking him to love me. I certainly don't think that he should love me BECAUSE I love him - as if he owes me.  I'm saying the REASON I want him to love me is because I love him - rather than wanting his love for commitment or because it would change how he treats me or our future, or simply because my self esteem requires me to be loved. 

[Kyra]

14 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

well this reaction is understandable considering you are essentially keeping him at a distance,

you want to feel more loved from him but you also want to keep him at a distance on your terms,

he in turn is also keeping a certain detachment from you,

I imagine there are plenty of guys who would be happy with this separate quarters living arrangement and give you a little more love ,  but if you want to maintain things with current guy, you will have to sacrifice a bit more personal space.

Thanks, but no, that's not it. He wants it the way it is. He doesn't want anything more

[RecentChange]

3 minutes ago, Kyra said:

 - it would be stupid to let myself fall in love again.

 

Why? 

[Kyra]

I'm frustrated that the replies - while well-intentioned - are mainly giving advice or judgement about whether or not I should be in this relationship at all and not addressing the actual question! But perhaps my question was too buried in context. Here is my only question:

Is it normal to want to be loved by someone you love or is it unreasonable to want deep love-type feelings from your SO when the relationship gives you everything else you want?

[Kyra]

7 minutes ago, RecentChange said:

Why? 

Why would I want to fall in love with another FWB and have the same heartache when he doesn't love me? 

Or if I found someone who loved me and I him, he would probably want commitment and living together or other things I'm not free to give

and why would I break my heart leaving the man I love just to risk my heart with someone else? 

Edited January 31, 2020 by Kyra
added thought

[RecentChange]

11 minutes ago, Kyra said:

 

and why would I break my heart leaving the man I love just to risk my heart with someone else? 

Because your needs are not being met. 

Because most humans NEED to be loved. 

Because every day while you love him, and he doesn't love you, your heart will break a bit. 

Because he probably needs and wants love - and when he finds someone HE loves, he will drop you. 

To me it seems like you are scared to take the risks needed to find love, so you are going to settle for him, and no love for as long as he will let you. 

Of course its normal to want the person you love to love you back. Unrequited love is a recipe for heart break. Its soul sucking, its unsatisfying, it will leave you longing for more. 

But hey, its your life, if this is what you want stay.... if its not what you want, if its not meeting your needs, you will have to find the courage to change.