Author samjam7 Posted January 30, 2020 Author Posted January 30, 2020 Bisexual people can be monogamous. But it must be tough for them if the relationship is not open as how will they will they live their intense attractions towards both genders. Marrying bi people is still a bit risky for fully straight monogamous people.
snowboy91 Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 (edited) 18 minutes ago, samjam7 said: Bisexual people can be monogamous. But it must be tough for them if the relationship is not open as how will they will they live their intense attractions towards both genders. Marrying bi people is still a bit risky for fully straight monogamous people. You could also argue the same thing about heterosexual people... it would be tough for them if the relationship isn't open, since they could be attracted to other people of the opposite sex (as in, someone who is not their partner) ? Dealing with attraction towards others outside a relationship is certainly not a problem solely for bi people. A long term relationship is more about the commitment and forming a strong connection with your partner. I don't think bi people are any more or less capable of forming that sort of connection with one other person. My partner is bi-curious but I have no doubt in my mind that she is fully committed to me. I'll admit I skim read the thread, but my main concern isn't that he is bi per se, more that he hasn't had any previous partners before. There may still be that drive to explore his sexuality somewhat, and not be ready for a solid commitment yet. Edited January 30, 2020 by snowboy91
Author samjam7 Posted January 31, 2020 Author Posted January 31, 2020 ^^snowboy91 He is 27. If he has not had the time and drive to explore during his teens then will he as he ages? That is my question. I want to believe in him but its not about what i want but rather what I should. Plenty of women have married closet gay men only to be left with kids later when they turn 56. I can not afford that. I am an only child and I can't deal with loneliness at that age. Gay men can also like women platonically. Who knows maybe I misread things and interpreted his platonic like for me as something else. He opened up to me emotionally and shed tears.
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 samjam7, I'm with Elaine in all she's posted on this thread. I believe your bf needs time away from you to mature and learn what it is he really wants. One thing that concerns me about your posts is that your bf seems eager to even give up his male friends if you would want him to. He seems to me to be way too eager to give up who he is at his core to get you to be with him. From your posts, he seems desperate to me. For me, and for most people I would think, I need a partner who is solid in their own core. They know who they are and they're not going to become someone else just for me. I don't think this guy knows who he is, or maybe he just hasn't faced it. His priorities are not in order. He needs to figure out who he is and then pursue his life based on that, not changing up who he is for a partner. You also seem to be trying to figure out what you want. But at least you've faced that you aren't comfortable with who this guy is. You've stated that repeatedly in this thread. It's almost as if you're looking for someone to make you feel as if this guy is OK, when you know he's not for you. Listen, a lot of us are single, wanting to be part of a couple, and meeting people who are just perfect, except there is one (or two) things about them that we just can't come to terms with. This has happened for me. It's not fair to me or to the guy to marry him. That doesn't mean I need a guy I consider to be faultless. I just need to figure out what faults I'm able to live with and then stick to that. Like you, I would be uncomfortable being with a guy who watched gay porn. Actually, I wouldn't be with a guy who watches any kind of porn! I'm sure guys who watch porn wouldn't be with me, either. Point is, it's important to know who you are, what you will accept and what you will not accept, and then stick with it. It seems to me you're in the learning process of finding out who you are and what you'll accept. It seems to me both you and your guy need to mature before settling down with anyone at all. 2
fromheart Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, samjam7 said: I feel sick to the stomach. Anxiety is giving me nervous stomach again. This anxiety is not due to homophobia or because I find gay porn repulsive. It is due to indecision. He could go off with either a woman, or a man. He's most definitely bi sexual. Don't see what the big deal is personally, I've had a few bi sexual girlfriends. Doesn't suddenly make it more likely that they will betray you because they like the same gender. It seems the question here is ownership of what he as a man, does, thinks and says. This is the eternal problem with women and men. If you can't trust him to be a man and do as he sees fit, if you can't trust him as your man, you should leave him. We all have our pwn private thoughts which we keep to ourselves. I don't know what a gf is masturbating or thinking about, and I don't want to know. Her private space is what makes her the person she is, and you don't take that from someone. Otherwise you'll seek to control him, maybe even be narcissistic towards him, and your relationship will be very difficult. Edited January 31, 2020 by fromheart 1
Author samjam7 Posted January 31, 2020 Author Posted January 31, 2020 2 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said: samjam7, I'm with Elaine in all she's posted on this thread. I believe your bf needs time away from you to mature and learn what it is he really wants. One thing that concerns me about your posts is that your bf seems eager to even give up his male friends if you would want him to. He seems to me to be way too eager to give up who he is at his core to get you to be with him. From your posts, he seems desperate to me. For me, and for most people I would think, I need a partner who is solid in their own core. They know who they are and they're not going to become someone else just for me. I don't think this guy knows who he is, or maybe he just hasn't faced it. His priorities are not in order. He needs to figure out who he is and then pursue his life based on that, not changing up who he is for a partner. You also seem to be trying to figure out what you want. But at least you've faced that you aren't comfortable with who this guy is. You've stated that repeatedly in this thread. It's almost as if you're looking for someone to make you feel as if this guy is OK, when you know he's not for you. Listen, a lot of us are single, wanting to be part of a couple, and meeting people who are just perfect, except there is one (or two) things about them that we just can't come to terms with. This has happened for me. It's not fair to me or to the guy to marry him. That doesn't mean I need a guy I consider to be faultless. I just need to figure out what faults I'm able to live with and then stick to that. Like you, I would be uncomfortable being with a guy who watched gay porn. Actually, I wouldn't be with a guy who watches any kind of porn! I'm sure guys who watch porn wouldn't be with me, either. Point is, it's important to know who you are, what you will accept and what you will not accept, and then stick with it. It seems to me you're in the learning process of finding out who you are and what you'll accept. It seems to me both you and your guy need to mature before settling down with anyone at all. He said he is willing to give up things and really wants it to work because I am quite a catch. He says he is 100 % on board when it comes to getting married to me. How can he be so sure? Is he attracted to me? How can he be so attracted to me if he finds gay porn attractive? When it comes to sexuality he prolly does not know where he lies. He is sorted otherwise with a great job. I guess he just wanted to convey how much he wants to marry me. He said he always wanted an intelligent partner as he wants his future kids to have intelligent genes. Now I do not consider myself intelligent but he does. It also seems like he thinks I inherited a lot of wealth from my parents. As we go through life we always try to figure out what we want. That is a constant thing. No? Just curious if you will not be with a guy who watches any kind of porn isn't finding that guy a bit tough. That would be my dream guy too but it just seems like a fantasy these days because 99% men watch porn it seems. I am not porn consumer either and I am proud of that.
Author samjam7 Posted January 31, 2020 Author Posted January 31, 2020 2 hours ago, fromheart said: He could go off with either a woman, or a man. He's most definitely bi sexual. Don't see what the big deal is personally, I've had a few bi sexual girlfriends. Doesn't suddenly make it more likely that they will betray you because they like the same gender. It seems the question here is ownership of what he as a man, does, thinks and says. This is the eternal problem with women and men. If you can't trust him to be a man and do as he sees fit, if you can't trust him as your man, you should leave him. We all have our pwn private thoughts which we keep to ourselves. I don't know what a gf is masturbating or thinking about, and I don't want to know. Her private space is what makes her the person she is, and you don't take that from someone. Otherwise you'll seek to control him, maybe even be narcissistic towards him, and your relationship will be very difficult. I do not aspire to control my partner. I am just afraid he is closeted gay and marrying me cause he wants kids. A lot of closeted gay people started with declaring themselves as bisexuals and even more so a lot of bisexuals are in open relationships. Now I am not saying bi people can not be monogamous but it is a struggle and I guess I can somewhat understand why.
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 1 hour ago, samjam7 said: Just curious if you will not be with a guy who watches any kind of porn isn't finding that guy a bit tough. That would be my dream guy too but it just seems like a fantasy these days because 99% men watch porn it seems. I am not porn consumer either and I am proud of that. Well, I'm not trying to find a guy. I'm living a full life and I have a strong belief that if I'm to marry, God will bring the man He wants me with to me. I've had many opportunities to date and marry both but I'd rather be single than be in a marriage that isn't in God's will. I've met and dated men who don't watch porn and know men I haven't dated who don't watch it. But, if it were true that 99% watch porn then I'll wait for the 1% or just stay single and be fine with it! However, since I'm a Christian I know many men who don't watch porn. I also am aware that there are many Christian men who do watch porn so that in itself isn't a sign a guy doesn't watch it. However, within the Christian community it is accepted that those who read their Bibles (which is part of being a true Christian) will learn about purity, which doesn't mean no sex, just means no sex outside of marriage and no porn watching. It's a very high standard but there are people who truly live that way and even if they're not living that way, they have a desire to do so, so that it's something a couple can discuss, pray about and work toward. I do realize that in the secular world this idea of no porn and sex outside of marriage is scoffed at by many. To each his own, if a guy wants to live that way I don't condemn, he's just not for me. And I've read many posts on here by guys who would not put up with a woman with my beliefs, either. Again, to each his own. You have to learn who you are and how you want to live your life and it seems to me you're in the process of learning that about yourself now, in this relationship you're having. 3
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 6 hours ago, samjam7 said: Bisexual people can be monogamous. SO can penguins... but neither of those facts are at issue here. Monogamous bisexual people have zero reason to tell you (or anyone) that they are "bisexual" (and they probably don't ! ) Contemplate a penguin telling another penguin that it is "bisexual"... and then ask yourself whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy it would possibly need to say such a thing. 1
Author samjam7 Posted January 31, 2020 Author Posted January 31, 2020 1 hour ago, LivingWaterPlease said: Well, I'm not trying to find a guy. I'm living a full life and I have a strong belief that if I'm to marry, God will bring the man He wants me with to me. I've had many opportunities to date and marry both but I'd rather be single than be in a marriage that isn't in God's will. I've met and dated men who don't watch porn and know men I haven't dated who don't watch it. But, if it were true that 99% watch porn then I'll wait for the 1% or just stay single and be fine with it! However, since I'm a Christian I know many men who don't watch porn. I also am aware that there are many Christian men who do watch porn so that in itself isn't a sign a guy doesn't watch it. However, within the Christian community it is accepted that those who read their Bibles (which is part of being a true Christian) will learn about purity, which doesn't mean no sex, just means no sex outside of marriage and no porn watching. It's a very high standard but there are people who truly live that way and even if they're not living that way, they have a desire to do so, so that it's something a couple can discuss, pray about and work toward. I do realize that in the secular world this idea of no porn and sex outside of marriage is scoffed at by many. To each his own, if a guy wants to live that way I don't condemn, he's just not for me. And I've read many posts on here by guys who would not put up with a woman with my beliefs, either. Again, to each his own. You have to learn who you are and how you want to live your life and it seems to me you're in the process of learning that about yourself now, in this relationship you're having. I am not a Christian but according to my religion men are not allowed to look at porn or engage in adultery/premarital sex. I have also refrained from premarital sex for now and hence I can test waters with this guy to find out if we are sexually compatible.
Author samjam7 Posted January 31, 2020 Author Posted January 31, 2020 48 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: SO can penguins... but neither of those facts are at issue here. Monogamous bisexual people have zero reason to tell you (or anyone) that they are "bisexual" (and they probably don't ! ) Contemplate a penguin telling another penguin that it is "bisexual"... and then ask yourself whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy it would possibly need to say such a thing. SincereOnlineGuy, He explicitly did not say he is bi. He said he has thought about men like that and is 90% straight and 10% gay. His reason for 10 % gay was because he has looked at gay porn. All these things he confessed because I asked him about his sexual orientation and porn watching etc. He did not come out on his own. Upon hearing all these I told him I don't understand bisexuality to which he said if we were to get married then it does not matter since he won't act on any attraction regardless. He further said his sex drive is very high and anything can get a guy's dick hard :S
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 21 minutes ago, samjam7 said: I am not a Christian but according to my religion men are not allowed to look at porn or engage in adultery/premarital sex. I have also refrained from premarital sex for now and hence I can test waters with this guy to find out if we are sexually compatible. I see. Good for you that you are following what you believe in!
SumGuy Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 15 hours ago, samjam7 said: No elaine567, it is not. Minus the gay porn part we could have been decent together I think. He would have been good for my career too but what's the point if I always live with the insecurity that he might walk away anytime and come out of closet. He may or may not. I'm not into gay porn, but people are complex so it may well be true he is 90% hetero, it may be a fantasy he never acts on as that would ruin it. I see the concern about him being deeply in love and lust with you, which is a perfectly good thing to want (I want it). I'm not sure how bi people handle it, I imagine a bi person with a non-bi person always has to answer the question, will you leave me for the other gender because my gender doesn't do it for you. I believe many of the posts here assume he is gay, that being bi is not a thing, that he can't be satisfied with a women and thus will eventually stray because a woman can never do it for him. I say don't assume he is homosexual or so homosexual you can never satisfy him. Or that even that his sexual desires override all other kinds of love for him. There are plenty of heterosexual relationships where the guy thinks with his little head but also plenty where the intimacy of the couple is worth far more than the sex. If all else is great, believe you owe it to yourself to explore what is up a bit more. If he he is a keeper in my book you can have these conversations with him. From what you said sounds like he is trying to figure this out as well. 1
SumGuy Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 10 hours ago, samjam7 said: I do not aspire to control my partner. I am just afraid he is closeted gay and marrying me cause he wants kids. A lot of closeted gay people started with declaring themselves as bisexuals and even more so a lot of bisexuals are in open relationships. Now I am not saying bi people can not be monogamous but it is a struggle and I guess I can somewhat understand why. A quick question, you know this how? Where I have lived in the US people who are bi have relationships just like hetero or homo people. My sample size is small but they were far more faithful than the hetero people I've known. The only difference, they've had relationships with man and woman (not at the same time), but the relationships ended for all the reasons they do for hetero people not because they sought out the other gender. So it is not a struggle in my direct, if limited, experience for bi people to be monogamous. Hetero people struggle with it more. The bigger issue as you identify, is that people can start off saying bi (because they are conditioned in life to be hetero) as a transition then they really find out they are really homosexual. 2
Els Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 (edited) 14 hours ago, samjam7 said: I do not aspire to control my partner. I am just afraid he is closeted gay and marrying me cause he wants kids. In this day and age it would be incredibly stupid for a truly homosexual person to marry a person of the opposite sex solely for the sake of kids. There are other options out there. Given that you "met him through your parents for marriage purposes" though, it IS possible that there's some degree of parental (and possibly cultural?) pressure going on that could cause issues. I suggest you just date and have sex and see how things go. If someone is genuinely homosexual, it will be quite obvious in bed. Frankly I think it's a really bad idea to marry without having dated for a good amount of time, anyway. Btw, a huge number of people are bisexual - in fact, Kinsey postulates that the majority are. That doesn't make them any less capable of being monogamous. Edited January 31, 2020 by Elswyth 1
Author samjam7 Posted January 31, 2020 Author Posted January 31, 2020 7 hours ago, SumGuy said: A quick question, you know this how? Where I have lived in the US people who are bi have relationships just like hetero or homo people. My sample size is small but they were far more faithful than the hetero people I've known. The only difference, they've had relationships with man and woman (not at the same time), but the relationships ended for all the reasons they do for hetero people not because they sought out the other gender. So it is not a struggle in my direct, if limited, experience for bi people to be monogamous. Hetero people struggle with it more. The bigger issue as you identify, is that people can start off saying bi (because they are conditioned in life to be hetero) as a transition then they really find out they are really homosexual. Exactly! my concern...
Author samjam7 Posted January 31, 2020 Author Posted January 31, 2020 3 hours ago, Elswyth said: In this day and age it would be incredibly stupid for a truly homosexual person to marry a person of the opposite sex solely for the sake of kids. There are other options out there. Given that you "met him through your parents for marriage purposes" though, it IS possible that there's some degree of parental (and possibly cultural?) pressure going on that could cause issues. I suggest you just date and have sex and see how things go. If someone is genuinely homosexual, it will be quite obvious in bed. Frankly I think it's a really bad idea to marry without having dated for a good amount of time, anyway. Btw, a huge number of people are bisexual - in fact, Kinsey postulates that the majority are. That doesn't make them any less capable of being monogamous. Seems like he is unaware that homosexuals have a way of having kids these days. I know this from his conversations.
Author samjam7 Posted February 1, 2020 Author Posted February 1, 2020 Does anyone think he is closeted gay?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 (edited) 22 hours ago, samjam7 said: SincereOnlineGuy, He explicitly did not say he is bi. He said he has thought about men like that and is 90% straight and 10% gay. His reason for 10 % gay was because he has looked at gay porn. All these things he confessed because I asked him about his sexual orientation and porn watching etc. He did not come out on his own. Upon hearing all these I told him I don't understand bisexuality to which he said if we were to get married then it does not matter since he won't act on any attraction regardless. He further said his sex drive is very high and anything can get a guy's dick hard :S OMG - bisexual does NOT demand a 50/50 perfect split. You should RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN !!! The part where he claims ... he won't act... is WAY after the point. Regardless of that, he has already made it CLEAR to you that he is attracted to both men and women. Indeed he won't cheat with another woman... but THE DOOR IS ALREADY WIDE OPEN for him to cheat with men in YOUR future... he need only return with: "but I TOLD YOU I liked men too". (*** that is PRECISELY the ONLY reason why he would have admitted such a thing) (Straight men have ZERO interest in a sword fight, (metaphorically speaking)) Get out now... do not turn around! Edited February 1, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy
Author samjam7 Posted February 1, 2020 Author Posted February 1, 2020 ^^SincereOnlineGuy are you saying this from personal experience with bi people?
ExpatInItaly Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 3 hours ago, samjam7 said: Does anyone think he is closeted gay? I wouldn't rule it out, based on some of things you have written here, but we really don't have enough information about him to reach a definitive conclusion on that. The point is that he is evidently turned on by both men and women, and you are not comfortable with the former. And no, it is not true that "anything can get a guy's d**k hard." Trying to quantify it with percentages is pointless. If you cannot reconcile your feelings with this part of him, you are going to find yourself doing endless and exhausting mental gymnastics in this relationship and forever fretting over whether he's secretly enjoying men when your head is turned. 1
Els Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 11 hours ago, samjam7 said: Seems like he is unaware that homosexuals have a way of having kids these days. I know this from his conversations. It seems you are convinced. At any rate, you haven't really dated this guy and don't seem to have any feelings for him, so there is really no downside to choosing not to move forward with him. 1
Piddy Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, samjam7 said: Does anyone think he is closeted gay? I'd say yes. Worked with a woman who's husband left her for another man. They had two kids together. She never saw it coming. At the very least he'll always have an attraction to men. Is that something you're OK with? I look at Elton John and Freddy Mercury. Both were bisexual at first, but realized they were really homosexual. Just anecdotal I know. Edited February 1, 2020 by Piddy 1
Author samjam7 Posted February 1, 2020 Author Posted February 1, 2020 13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I wouldn't rule it out, based on some of things you have written here, but we really don't have enough information about him to reach a definitive conclusion on that. The point is that he is evidently turned on by both men and women, and you are not comfortable with the former. And no, it is not true that "anything can get a guy's d**k hard." Trying to quantify it with percentages is pointless. If you cannot reconcile your feelings with this part of him, you are going to find yourself doing endless and exhausting mental gymnastics in this relationship and forever fretting over whether he's secretly enjoying men when your head is turned. True! I really do think mental health comes first.
Author samjam7 Posted February 1, 2020 Author Posted February 1, 2020 7 hours ago, Piddy said: I'd say yes. Worked with a woman who's husband left her for another man. They had two kids together. She never saw it coming. At the very least he'll always have an attraction to men. Is that something you're OK with? I look at Elton John and Freddy Mercury. Both were bisexual at first, but realized they were really homosexual. Just anecdotal I know. No, I am not okay with that but I guess I can come to terms with it if he can be relied upon everything else wise. I am sick already due to anxiety.
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