samjam7 Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 Hello everyone! I am back again. Those of you who do not know me should know that I am 25(f).. Last time I was here was after a devastating on/off relationship breakup. I was struggling with so much depression and anxiety when everyone here helped me. I have since gone 8 months without talking to my ex and feel like I have made significant progress. Now here comes the twist. Just about 4 months ago I met a guy through my parents for marriage purposes. We started talking and found out that we have a lot in common. This guy is particularly nerdy and not super good looking but I found him very honest and innocent to some extent. He is 27(M) and has never had a girlfriend or boyfriend before. Few days back he opened up a lot to me and we were having various discussions when I brought up the topic of bisexuality out of nowhere. I asked him where he stands and he told me that he has thought about it in the past. I asked him to elaborate to which he said that he has watched gay porn. Now I am not a homophobe and I have nothing against any sexual orientation but it is still making me super uncomfortable that my partner might even think of guys like that ever. I have since had nervous stomach non-stop. What do I do? Now this guy is good and we are compatible everything else wise but I just can't get over the fact. He said no matter what he will respect my decision but I need to know that he wants me totally. He also said regardless of what his sexual orientation is it is not going to make any difference as he would not act on any attraction and will stay committed. I asked what percentage straight he is and to that he is said 90%. I pushed him a bit more then he said he took 10 % off as he has watched gay porn. I have a history of mental health issues and now this confusion is not helping me either. What do I do? What will be a wise decision?
ExpatInItaly Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 It seems odd to me that you brought up bisexuality "out of nowhere." Are you sure that you weren't wondering about his orientation because you'd already seen signs that he might also be attracted to men? As a woman, I have never once randomly asked any guy I've dated about being bisexual, simply because I've never had any inkling that any of them might also like men and thus felt the need to inquire. Regardless of why you asked, I think you already have your answer to your other question: "we are compatible everything else wise but I just can't get over the fact." He was honest, and now you need to be honest with yourself too. If you are not comfortable with this part of him, it would be best to go your separate ways. I have a feeling that this will become a bigger issue down the road, and not because he will necessarily act on his attraction to men, but because it will continue to eat at you. And that's not a shot at you - just as he can't help how he feels, you can't help how you feel. I would think very carefully before proceeding any further. This is who he is. The question is only whether or not you are comfortable with it. 5
Author samjam7 Posted January 28, 2020 Author Posted January 28, 2020 ^^ ExpatInItaly, great point! We were watching that live tinder show on youtube. We were picking guys based on looks.. Not in terms of dating but in terms who was better looking. Then it occurred to me that why don't I have a general discussion with him about sexual orientation and that is when he blurted out things. Before telling me goodbye! he had tears in his eyes and said he wants it to work. Is he really 10 % gay if he jacked off to gay porn? I wonder. Makes me uncomfortable to the point of obsessively thinking about it. But he and his entire family has been so nice and kind to me. He also said that if I say yes he will make sure he repays me for it. I feel so bad for him. I said no it is not like that as he does not need to repay me for anything as it would be my choice. To that he said that any working relationship is basically two people repaying each other.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 3 hours ago, samjam7 said: ^^ ExpatInItaly, great point! We were watching that live tinder show on youtube. We were picking guys based on looks.. Not in terms of dating but in terms who was better looking. Then it occurred to me that why don't I have a general discussion with him about sexual orientation and that is when he blurted out things. Before telling me goodbye! he had tears in his eyes and said he wants it to work. Is he really 10 % gay if he jacked off to gay porn? I wonder. Makes me uncomfortable to the point of obsessively thinking about it. But he and his entire family has been so nice and kind to me. He also said that if I say yes he will make sure he repays me for it. I feel so bad for him. I said no it is not like that as he does not need to repay me for anything as it would be my choice. To that he said that any working relationship is basically two people repaying each other. The entire "bisexual" label is merely an early warning from a mate who plans to cheat on you down the road. Later you'll hear: "... but I told you I was bisexual". (it's a guarantee) (AS IF that little nugget somehow grants him permission to stray) For that is the only reason why he would think a monogamous partner would need to know such a thing. And your own discomfort to the point of obsessively thinking about it is surpassed only by the discomfort over pure gay male porn known to males who are heterosexual. 1
scooby-philly Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 Wow - very nice to see such liberal views on an online forum in 2020. LMFAO. Seriously? Most people (and no, I don't have an accurate scientific study readily available to quote from or point you to) are not 100% straight....lol. Now, someone can be straight and watch gay porn simply because they like cocks, but don't like the rest of the male anatomy. That doesn't make them gay or bi-sexual. Just youtube comedian Ron White Homosexuality. You think straight men like to watch straight porn with fat guys or guys with small dicks? Seriously. Furthermore, liking any type of porn or even being bi-sexual does not mean they are going to cheat on you now or any time in the future. That's the dumbest goddam thing I've read on here in weeks. Lastly - this is clearly an issue for you - so please, end this. Not the least reason you literally insulted his looks. Like man, maybe he's not a 10/10 but imagine if you caught him telling a group of a strangers, meh - she's okay looking but I've banged hotter women. Seriously. Save him the trouble and say goodbye. 2
Author samjam7 Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 1 hour ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: The entire "bisexual" label is merely an early warning from a mate who plans to cheat on you down the road. Later you'll hear: "... but I told you I was bisexual". (it's a guarantee) (AS IF that little nugget somehow grants him permission to stray) For that is the only reason why he would think a monogamous partner would need to know such a thing. And your own discomfort to the point of obsessively thinking about it is surpassed only by the discomfort over pure gay male porn known to males who are heterosexual. What makes you say that it is a guarantee? The only reason he confessed to me is because I asked him and he assumed I would not judge. Damn! that is what I am telling my parents.. 100 % heterosexual males won't find it appealing just like how I don't find lesbo porn appealing.
Author samjam7 Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 21 minutes ago, scooby-philly said: Wow - very nice to see such liberal views on an online forum in 2020. LMFAO. Seriously? Most people (and no, I don't have an accurate scientific study readily available to quote from or point you to) are not 100% straight....lol. Now, someone can be straight and watch gay porn simply because they like cocks, but don't like the rest of the male anatomy. That doesn't make them gay or bi-sexual. Just youtube comedian Ron White Homosexuality. You think straight men like to watch straight porn with fat guys or guys with small dicks? Seriously. Furthermore, liking any type of porn or even being bi-sexual does not mean they are going to cheat on you now or any time in the future. That's the dumbest goddam thing I've read on here in weeks. Lastly - this is clearly an issue for you - so please, end this. Not the least reason you literally insulted his looks. Like man, maybe he's not a 10/10 but imagine if you caught him telling a group of a strangers, meh - she's okay looking but I've banged hotter women. Seriously. Save him the trouble and say goodbye. I did not insult his looks. Let's face it most people are okay looking. I would say my ex was good looking and this guy and I both are okay looking. I don't consider looks to be so important. Yes it is an issue for me. But the thing is I like how openly he admitted it and he said he wants me 100 %. I see certain matches between us. At the same time I do not want to risk my life. Hearing all these things about bi-sexuals I don't know because I am not bi myself. Most straight people say things like bi people are not good. Most importantly is this guy even bi or straight? I ask this out of curiosity to know about my potential life partner.
Author samjam7 Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 I need to tell you all one more thing. He said him having watched gay porn or being 10 percent or whatever attracted to men would never have an impact after our marriage. This is because he would not bring another guy. He said he is even willing to quit porn if it makes me uncomfortable. Said that he would not stray and would maintain distance with his guy friends if I find it weird. But then again who to trust? I want to trust this guy. But let's face it true bisexuals do not have easy lives. They go through periods craving for same gender experience. I am so depressed and lonely. So many failed relationship not helping me. He could be bi-sexual but he is such a pure soul and telling no to such a pure-soul is traumatic for me. One of the guys pointed out to me in this forum that I have no boundaries. I can see I have not improved much. I still have not learned how to say no. Or maybe I do not want to say no. Maybe I do not want but should say no I am so confused. Please help and any wise input on this matter would really help.
K.K. Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 3 minutes ago, samjam7 said: .Most straight people say things like bi people are not good. You know what’s really interesting to me is that most gay people (I’ve known) also say that Bi people are not good. It’s like either camp wants you to just pick a side already. The poor bi people are out in the cold. 1
scooby-philly Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 You did insult his looks. You came onto a goddam online relationship and personal help forum and said he was and I quote you "particularly nerdy and not super good looking". Sorry - you may not have called him butt ugly, but if you plan on marrying someone they should be the most attractive person in the world to you. The fact that you would disrespect him like that but you judge him for being open and honest about his sexual orientation is amazing. Do this man a favor and leave now.
Author samjam7 Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 8 minutes ago, K.K. said: You know what’s really interesting to me is that most gay people (I’ve known) also say that Bi people are not good. It’s like either camp wants you to just pick a side already. The poor bi people are out in the cold. I do not have experience with bi people tbh. I just wanted the input. From the sound of it does this guy sound bisexual?
Author samjam7 Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 8 minutes ago, scooby-philly said: You did insult his looks. You came onto a goddam online relationship and personal help forum and said he was and I quote you "particularly nerdy and not super good looking". Sorry - you may not have called him butt ugly, but if you plan on marrying someone they should be the most attractive person in the world to you. The fact that you would disrespect him like that but you judge him for being open and honest about his sexual orientation is amazing. Do this man a favor and leave now. I did not mean to insult his looks. Not super good looking does not mean not attractive to me. Not everyone has fairy tale marriage where they marry the person who according to them is most attractive. Sometimes we marry people who seem most smart to us and which this guy does to me. I did judge him positively if anything for being open and honest. 1
K.K. Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 1 minute ago, samjam7 said: I do not have experience with bi people tbh. I just wanted the input. From the sound of it does this guy sound bisexual? Well, the part that gets me is that since he’s never had either a girlfriend or a boyfriend, hows he even to know? Have you had sex with him? Or not yet? 2
Author samjam7 Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 ^^ K.K. That is the weird thing. No we did not have sex yet but we did talk about it. He seemed interested in it. Another thing is he said 90% and 10 % based on the fact that he watched gay porn. I am so stressed about this decision making.
K.K. Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 Well, I guess you’re just going to have to play it by ear, ya know? He’s probably just as confused as you are about everything. He sounds really sensitive and kind though. He seems to want to share his thoughts about it with you ( blurting it out) so he must feel safe with you. I think you maybe should just try to be a good friend right now. Even if nothing ever comes of it in terms of a relationship. I really do. He’s obviously struggling. In the end, as far as whether or not you can accept this from him if he is bisexual, is entirely and strictly ... up to you. Just try to be kind. And move slowly.
Author samjam7 Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 23 minutes ago, K.K. said: Well, I guess you’re just going to have to play it by ear, ya know? He’s probably just as confused as you are about everything. He sounds really sensitive and kind though. He seems to want to share his thoughts about it with you ( blurting it out) so he must feel safe with you. I think you maybe should just try to be a good friend right now. Even if nothing ever comes of it in terms of a relationship. I really do. He’s obviously struggling. In the end, as far as whether or not you can accept this from him if he is bisexual, is entirely and strictly ... up to you. Just try to be kind. And move slowly. Thanks! Like it seems like he likes me and wants me. I am trying to be kind. How are you sure he is obviously struggling with his sexual orientation?
major_merrick Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 If you are getting married, you should be aware of your partner's sexuality and whether you can deal with it. If your future husband is into men (and as others have said, straight guys don't watch gay porn) then you need to figure out if you can handle that. And that doesn't mean he will cheat. Unless he has cheated in the past. For most of my life, I've been lesbian. My husband is the one exception. When we tried a monogamous relationship, it didn't work. I couldn't give up female contact. Now we have a marriage with multiple partners. Faithful partners, a closed circle in the same house. But without having my female partners in the mix, our marriage wouldn't be working as well as it does. My point in telling you this is to say that my husband can handle me, but his original lifestyle and mine were not compatible. IDK whether you and your partner will continue to be compatible or not.
Author samjam7 Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 2 minutes ago, major_merrick said: If you are getting married, you should be aware of your partner's sexuality and whether you can deal with it. If your future husband is into men (and as others have said, straight guys don't watch gay porn) then you need to figure out if you can handle that. And that doesn't mean he will cheat. Unless he has cheated in the past. For most of my life, I've been lesbian. My husband is the one exception. When we tried a monogamous relationship, it didn't work. I couldn't give up female contact. Now we have a marriage with multiple partners. Faithful partners, a closed circle in the same house. But without having my female partners in the mix, our marriage wouldn't be working as well as it does. My point in telling you this is to say that my husband can handle me, but his original lifestyle and mine were not compatible. IDK whether you and your partner will continue to be compatible or not. major_merrick. I want strictly monogamous relationship. Just curious at what age did you find out that you were bisexual? This guy who never had a relationship before is now telling me that he would not cheat in future. He is reassuring the fact he would not bring in other guys or girls. But who knows 10 years down the line he might want it. I want to try my level best to avoid divorce.
major_merrick Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 @samjam7 I think most people want a monogamous relationship. My husband did too, at first. I tried not to cheat, but I just couldn't stay away from the girls. But after a few years, he married a girl who insisted that he had to marry her friend too and join her religion, so it kind of opened the door for us. I've always known that I liked women, even from when I was very young. It is just natural for me. My husband and I started out as friends, and then fell in love after a few years. The way I love him and experience intimacy with him is different from the way it is with my female partners. Tough to describe. And I have absolutely no idea what gay guys feel for each other, so I can't draw any kind of parallels. 2
Author samjam7 Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 ^^major_merrick Thanks a lot for your two cents. I do not think I could have done what you and your hubby has managed to do. So hats off! I have nothing against bi or polyamorous people. Why does finding a partner have to be so complicated?
Author samjam7 Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 He said before 23 he never watched gay porn or got curious about it. Around 23 he took a year gap from college and was clinically depressed. During that phase he experimented with drugs and that is exactly when he watched gay porn. Just to add another info.
major_merrick Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 @samjam7 It is complicated because people are complicated. For me, I need my husband and my GFs because no one person can meet all my needs. My GF#1 also needs my husband's Wife #1. So we ended up making it all work out. I've learned to love my husband's other wives because he's grown to love and need them. We're all kind of an extension of each other. But it isn't easy. And I definitely don't get how people can do "open marriages" and stuff like that. I'm kinda possessive, so poly-fidelity is the way for me. I'm thinking what you need is some kind of ironclad assurance that your partner won't stray or change his priorities. And unfortunately, you aren't going to get that. He can promise, but people can either keep promises or break them. It is up to you to figure out how much you can trust his word. It sucks, and it causes a lot of mental tension 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 (edited) We can't tell you with any degree of certainty if he is gay or bisexual. We don't know him, and are in no position to determine what "percent" attracted to men he is. I feel, though, that you are prioritizing not being alone over not being compatible with someone. He may be a kind person with a good family, but if you already find this revelation so distressing, I personally think it is unlikely to work out in the long-run. You should not force yourself to be with someone simply because you're lonely. That's where we often over-complicate our love lives. Sexuality and all its nuances are a significant part of a relationship, and you're already finding it tough to digest. Reflect on that. If anything, if you are unsure, slow way down and take your time getting to know him. You've only been dating 4 months, which is very little and generally not enough to know whether you're truly compatible with someone enough to make it permanent through marriage. You two are still in very early stages. Edited January 29, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 3
Author samjam7 Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 I shared this with my parents and they shrugged it off. They said things like watching gay porn does not make someone gay. It is not a big deal! I should not make him sound bi-sexual as he just made an honest confession. Like wtf? If I were to go by his words then I can consider him. If I overthink then no. I am trying to take my time to see how this revelation truly feels like to me. Now he is in another city working. I am assuming it will be different in person. Yes things should slow down. But I don't want to make someone wait and then say no having been a victim of such a case in the past where my ex made me wait for 2 years and then said no to marriage. One thing though, I think this dude likes me now. He has told me several times how he is willing to wait for me. Everything was fine until this gay revelation. The thing though except this bi doubts I like everything else about him. Everything else which is rare in other guys I talk to.
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