Is settling for something comfortable really that bad?

[Silver_star]

I think the fact that you notice a pattern about the type of men you are choosing is a good start. 

You are equating any good looking man now to a low commitment/emotionally unstable man though, and that's a mistake. Because of your belief in this, that is exactly what you are bound to experience.

You could you first ask yourself WHY you keep repeating the pattern and not creating boundaries for yourself about how to be treated?  What are your beliefs and thoughts about yourself and relationships? The story in your head that you believe most is usually the story that plays out in real life. 
 

 

 

[basil67]

On 1/31/2020 at 3:03 AM, Lorenza said:

Not sure why there's a need to think about all the "what ifs". If you're asking if I'd support the guy financially, the answer is no. Emotionally - sure. 

Because the 'what if's' are the things which can bring a relationship down.   Life isn't all roses and considering how you'd deal with thorny times...and finding solidarity with your partner is crucial.  

Do you think it's not hypocritical to not be willing to support him financially during a crisis after all that he's done for you?    

[FMW]

On 1/30/2020 at 10:03 AM, Lorenza said:

Not sure why there's a need to think about all the "what ifs"

It's what a caring person does before committing to a partnership.  We're not talking about just going away for a weekend together.  

But as has been said - do what you want, what works for you.  He's a big boy and if he's willing to spend his money on you without any encouragement or reciprocation, so be it.  No need to debate someone else's opinion when you made a post presumably seeking feedback. 

[Lorenza]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

Because the 'what if's' are the things which can bring a relationship down.   Life isn't all roses and considering how you'd deal with thorny times...and finding solidarity with your partner is crucial.  

Do you think it's not hypocritical to not be willing to support him financially during a crisis after all that he's done for you?    

No, that's not a woman's job. It's also demotivating for a man 

[stillafool]

On 1/31/2020 at 1:00 AM, Lorenza said:

Men I'm attracted to are usually low comittment/investment, emotionally unstable a**h***s who use all the excuses in the world to not treat me well. So I do feel like I need to run away from anyone I'm really attracted to.

 

Maybe your time would be better spent in therapy finding out why you are attracted to low commitment/investment, emotionally unstable a**h***s who treat you bad.  Until you get to the bottom of this problem you will always be frustrated.  But hey, I'm not going to tell you not to get involved with this man you want to use.  Karma is a bitch and there's no greater teacher than experience.  So go for it and learn.  Good luck.

[Lorenza]

31 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Maybe your time would be better spent in therapy finding out why you are attracted to low commitment/investment, emotionally unstable a**h***s who treat you bad.  Until you get to the bottom of this problem you will always be frustrated.  But hey, I'm not going to tell you not to get involved with this man you want to use.  Karma is a bitch and there's no greater teacher than experience.  So go for it and learn.  Good luck.

Love it when someone says "good luck" in a bitter way, actually meaning bad luck i actually do want to start liking this man. 

[stillafool]

I didn't mean "bad luck" to you.   I don't wish that on anyone because it will always come back to me.  I really meant "good luck" with what you're trying to do. 

Lorenza your posts are coming off as a bitter woman who has not gotten the men she wanted and now has decided to punish "a man" for what other men didn't do.  I could be wrong but this is the way you are sounding.  You also seem like you want LS to challenge your decision to use this man because you know it isn't right and you know he is not who you want.  I know you've been hurt a lot.  Maybe you will grow to love this man.

 

[some_username1]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I didn't mean "bad luck" to you.   I don't wish that on anyone because it will always come back to me.  I really meant "good luck" with what you're trying to do. 

Lorenza your posts are coming off as a bitter woman who has not gotten the men she wanted and now has decided to punish "a man" for what other men didn't do.  I could be wrong but this is the way you are sounding.  You also seem like you want LS to challenge your decision to use this man because you know it isn't right and you know he is not who you want.  I know you've been hurt a lot.  Maybe you will grow to love this man.

 

Some astute observations although I disagree with the “wants to be challenged” bit because OP is getting defensive and catty when challenged . Unless of course she is simply playing ‘agent provocateur’ and getting enjoyment out of taking a position that most would take issue with? Wouldn’t surprise me.

Either way there seems to be a surprising lack of empathy in this thread for the guy involved. Probably a classic thread where if you switch the gender attitudes would be a lot different towards a man who was sponging rent money and lifts from a woman but giving nothing in return. We can’t really know his motivations, to be fair, but if there is any sort of romantic intent he is going about it totally the wrong way and given his generosity probably deserves to, at the very least, have his financial generosity more appreciated. OP comes across like she takes it for granted that his money is there to subsidise her life when she needs it because she lives beyond her means even though they are in no form of relationship.

 

Edited February 1, 2020 by some_username1

[Lorenza]

You all think he's providing for me, but it's not true he paid my bills twice when i had a huge debt for my pet's surgery, took me on a trip and done various acts of service like driving me and helping out with stuff which he offered completely on his own during the years. Also my way of thinking isn't weird here where I come from. None of you would have given me hell if i was muslim, i suppose? and how i am supposed to react when people on here call me a prostitute, although i never even kissed the guy. Anyone would get defensive, or do you all like to be called that way? 

[Lorenza]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I didn't mean "bad luck" to you.   I don't wish that on anyone because it will always come back to me.  I really meant "good luck" with what you're trying to do. 

Lorenza your posts are coming off as a bitter woman who has not gotten the men she wanted and now has decided to punish "a man" for what other men didn't do.  I could be wrong but this is the way you are sounding.  You also seem like you want LS to challenge your decision to use this man because you know it isn't right and you know he is not who you want.  I know you've been hurt a lot.  Maybe you will grow to love this man.

 

How am I punishing this man? He comes to me on his own. I was expecting some advice on how to think about the situation and maybe even how to grow to like someone who's so good to me, but ended up being called a prostitute. Yes I am disappointed by men and their love cause I continue seeing bad examples of it, but that doesn't mean I'm the devil you all portrayed me as. 

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, Lorenza said:

He comes to me on his own. 

It doesn’t mean that you have to accept the money, free trips, and other things he is offering...

Its like a political candidate who accepts gifts from potential donors/lobbyists - they generally want something in return, it’s pretty naive to assume that they don’t and that the gifts were offered out of the goodness of their heart... And the statement, “He gave these things to me because he wanted to and I didn’t think there was anything wrong with accepting the gifts/money/travel that were freely offered” doesn’t really hold up when caught. 

Not saying that you are doing anything “wrong,” just saying that accepting these things from a man doesn’t feel good for most of us, for good reason. This is an ethical decision.

But at the end of the day, it’s your life. It’s your decision. 

Edited February 1, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

45 minutes ago, Lorenza said:

I was expecting some advice on how to think about the situation and maybe even how to grow to like someone who's so good to me. 

And you have gotten advice on how to think about this situation. Some say, depending on your stage of life and what you value in a relationship, you can settle for security without love. Just, be prepared to offer more to this man in return because right now, this seems to be a fairly one sided relationship. And most seem to agree, if you don’t have romantic feelings for this man after all this time, it is unlikely that you can develop them. Personally, I say relationships are hard enough... While I may not “like” my partner everyday, it’s the fact that I love him to keeps us together. Best wishes.

[some_username1]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

It doesn’t mean that you have to accept the money, free trips, and other things he is offering...

Its like a political candidate who accepts gifts from potential donors/lobbyists - they generally want something in return, it’s pretty naive to assume that they don’t and that the gifts were offered out of the goodness of their heart... And the statement, “He gave these things to me because he wanted to and I didn’t think there was anything wrong with accepting the gifts/money/travel that were freely offered” doesn’t really hold up when caught. 

Not saying that you are doing anything “wrong,” just saying that accepting these things from a man doesn’t feel good for most of us, for good reason. This is an ethical decision.

But at the end of the day, it’s your life. It’s your decision. 

Yeah it’s just good social skills and social awareness at the end of the day. When I was younger I would think nothing of people paying for me because it just didn’t come into my thinking. As I’ve grown up I’ve learned that it’s good manners not to have any of it now unless I have asked the person involved literally a thousand times if they really want to pay for whatever, even as simple as a drink when I have no money and, regardless of gender, there are a lot of people who seem to share this outlook which is why I file it under “good social skills and awareness”. It’s generally not considered desirable in society (it seems to me) to have a laissez-faire attitude to being paid for by somebody who is not your partner.

[Lorenza]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

And you have gotten advice on how to think about this situation. Some say, depending on your stage of life and what you value in a relationship, you can settle for security without love. Just, be prepared to offer more to this man in return because right now, this seems to be a fairly one sided relationship. And most seem to agree, if you don’t have romantic feelings for this man after all this time, it is unlikely that you can develop them. Personally, I say relationships are hard enough... While I may not “like” my partner everyday, it’s the fact that I love him to keeps us together. Best wishes.

Yeah and those I took to heart. But there were some nasty ones. 

[Lorenza]

57 minutes ago, some_username1 said:

Yeah it’s just good social skills and social awareness at the end of the day. When I was younger I would think nothing of people paying for me because it just didn’t come into my thinking. As I’ve grown up I’ve learned that it’s good manners not to have any of it now unless I have asked the person involved literally a thousand times if they really want to pay for whatever, even as simple as a drink when I have no money and, regardless of gender, there are a lot of people who seem to share this outlook which is why I file it under “good social skills and awareness”. It’s generally not considered desirable in society (it seems to me) to have a laissez-faire attitude to being paid for by somebody who is not your partner.

Well, I needed the help, so I accepted it. Seems counterproductive to not accept it when you really need it, it's suggested at a person's free will and especially when nothing is asked in return. None of you even got an idea that the guy actually is just a good person and helps out a woman in need completely selflessly despite the outcome of getting me or not. If you so hate my bitterness about men, why do you all assume the worst about his intentions aka getting me to bed. So don't mesh him with the rest of the men either then. 

Edited February 1, 2020 by Lorenza

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, some_username1 said:

Yeah it’s just good social skills and social awareness at the end of the day. When I was younger I would think nothing of people paying for me because it just didn’t come into my thinking. As I’ve grown up I’ve learned that it’s good manners not to have any of it now unless I have asked the person involved literally a thousand times if they really want to pay for whatever, even as simple as a drink when I have no money 

Or, you reciprocate later... it’s the kind and thoughtful thing to do. 

You don’t see many one sided relationships because people generally don’t like to give without receiving something in return. After a while, it tends to build resentment as one begins to realize that another person is taking advantage of their generosity. 

Edited February 1, 2020 by BaileyB

[Lorenza]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Or, you reciprocate later... it’s the kind and thoughtful thing to do. 

You don’t see many one sided relationships because people generally don’t like to give without receiving something in return. After a while, it tends to build resentment as one begins to realize that another person is taking advantage of their generosity. 

I can't recipricate if the person doesn't take it. He didn't even accept my invitation to stay the night at my place and slept at the bus station, despite me insisting, cause he didn't want to cause trouble. Also he didn't accept any money for gas several times. Another thing, he kinda ignores questions about himself and only wants to hear about me 

[Lorenza]

For those who wonder, I didn't end up starting a rl with this guy. Emphasized it to him that we can only be friends. I decided that id rather fall in love or just remain single which ive been since 2016 

[stillafool]

On 1/30/2020 at 8:32 AM, Lorenza said:

Paying for things is definitely a big plus. But people on the thread got an idea that it's a way for me to survive which it isn't. Knowing he could help me out financially when I'm trouble (which has happened) and maybe treat me to things I shouldn't splurge on as middle class professional, is nice. It's a part of that sense of security 

A second job can also give you that security.  Don't look for men to subsidize your income.

[stillafool]

On 1/30/2020 at 9:32 AM, VioletVelvet said:

I think it was Toni Morrison who said something like, I don't trust hot feelings anymore. 

 

Yeah but she was like in her 60s when she said that and most women that age don't trust hot feelings anymore.  It's different when you're 21.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Lorenza said:

For those who wonder, I didn't end up starting a rl with this guy. Emphasized it to him that we can only be friends. I decided that id rather fall in love or just remain single which ive been since 2016 

What changed your mind?

[Fletch Lives]

To ensure the best chance of a relationship surviving, you should be in love. Relationships require work, and love is payment for that work. Without payment, people want to quit - and when it comes to relationships, that spells breakup or divorce.

A marriage of convenience is a bad idea. Never settle.

[2BGoodAgain]

if you can accept such a life, then do it.

just remember, if you know you have a weakness for a certain type of men... just b/c you may now be OK with not having that, doesn't mean you won't be ever...

perhaps get therapy so you can manage this weakness better so you can protect this potential new relationship.

there will be two advices given to you.

1) you are weak for that type of men... so if you start this, you'll cheat on the nice guy or you'll end up hurting the nice guy b/c you'll end the relationship b/c your feelings are temporary.

2) you are weak for that type of men, but you've had enough bad experiences that your decision for the nice guy will be a long term thing.

The thing is... think about the nice guy... instead of thinking about what he can do for you.... think about what you can do for him... ask the REAL question: ARE YOU GOOD FOR HIM?

There are no certainties in life... but you can minimize the damage, sometimes... so be honest with yourself and ask yourself... are you good for him?

Good luck to you... i hope you find your answers.

[simpycurious]

2 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

To ensure the best chance of a relationship surviving, you should be in love. Relationships require work, and love is payment for that work. Without payment, people want to quit - and when it comes to relationships, that spells breakup or divorce.

A marriage of convenience is a bad idea. Never settle.

I agree Fletch (you also made a couple of funny movies...lol).  What's the point in settling:  won't you always wonder "what if"??

 

[Miss Spider]

2 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

To ensure the best chance of a relationship surviving, you should be in love. Relationships require work, and love is payment for that work. Without payment, people want to quit - and when it comes to relationships, that spells breakup or divorce.

A marriage of convenience is a bad idea. Never settle.

Good way to put it