Gaeta Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 1 hour ago, Lorenza said: Well I don't know if you noticed but i specified that it's not money in itself, it's making me feel safe and that I feel like everything's gonna be ok in his presence. It's not how you explained it in your first post. You were talking about the convenience of someone paying you stuff. My bf is a regular guy with a regular paycheck. He makes less than me but he still makes me feel secure because l know if something unexpected happenned to me or if l'd lose my work l know he would take that 2nd job or 3rd one to carry me through a bad phase. 2
Author Lorenza Posted January 30, 2020 Author Posted January 30, 2020 Just now, Gaeta said: It's not how you explained it in your first post. You were talking about the convenience of someone paying you stuff. My bf is a regular guy with a regular paycheck. He makes less than me but he still makes me feel secure because l know if something unexpected happenned to me or if l'd lose my work l know he would take that 2nd job or 3rd one to carry me through a bad phase. Paying for things is definitely a big plus. But people on the thread got an idea that it's a way for me to survive which it isn't. Knowing he could help me out financially when I'm trouble (which has happened) and maybe treat me to things I shouldn't splurge on as middle class professional, is nice. It's a part of that sense of security
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 Then you want a normal caring bf. Don't every good bf help their gf in moments of need and spoil them with gifts once in a while?
Author Lorenza Posted January 30, 2020 Author Posted January 30, 2020 7 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Then you want a normal caring bf. Don't every good bf help their gf in moments of need and spoil them with gifts once in a while? Not in my experience. Nobody has been such an angel to me yeah I had men giving me gifts and taking me out, buying me fancy clothes or taking me on trips, but not helping out to this extent. Very few are willing to actually put effort
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 Buying you fancy clothes and taking you on trips isn't loving you if you're struggling with paying your utilities. Read Happy Lemming last thread. His girlfriend is on low income and he pays her car insurance and a couple of other bills. To me that's really loving and caring for someone. It's a matter of finding a man with a good soul. 2 1
Author Lorenza Posted January 30, 2020 Author Posted January 30, 2020 12 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Buying you fancy clothes and taking you on trips isn't loving you if you're struggling with paying your utilities. Read Happy Lemming last thread. His girlfriend is on low income and he pays her car insurance and a couple of other bills. To me that's really loving and caring for someone. It's a matter of finding a man with a good soul. Yes that's what I meant 1
VioletVelvet Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 Everyone feels like there's gotta be passion to have a great relationship and I call bulls***. Being with someone whose company you enjoy is the most important thing. Comfortable is good. I mean, if he repulses you then that's another matter. I think it was Toni Morrison who said something like, I don't trust hot feelings anymore. 5
introverted1 Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 16 hours ago, Lorenza said: It doesn't always mean a good paycheck, no. But a man paying for your stuff isn't a means to survive either. It's just a desirable trait in a man, as gender roles are way more traditional. For me it's a sense of security which at the moment feels more important than anything else. I do have a job, I've moved back to my home country and landed a good one with my degree and language knowledge. So while I'm poor at the moment, I won't be soon. I have just started. But having someone who can catch me if I fall... That would be more valuable than having someone who gives me butterflies. Ok, it's not only that I like about this guy either. We can have good conversations. I admire his capability to solve problems. And emotional maturity. I won't repeat what others have said, but I will point out that life is rarely as planned as we would like it to be, and it isn't static. What happens if this guy loses his job? Gets sick? Will you be prepared to support him, care for him? Or will you leave him once he is the one who needs catching from a fall? 4
Author Lorenza Posted January 30, 2020 Author Posted January 30, 2020 Just now, introverted1 said: I won't repeat what others have said, but I will point out that life is rarely as planned as we would like it to be, and it isn't static. What happens if this guy loses his job? Gets sick? Will you be prepared to support him, care for him? Or will you leave him once he is the one who needs catching from a fall? Don't think that would happen. He has good insurance, savings, property
introverted1 Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 14 minutes ago, Lorenza said: Don't think that would happen. He has good insurance, savings, property Anyone can get sick or have an accident and be unable to work. Not sure how old you or he are, but it would be very rare for there not to be unexpected bumps in the road of life. 3
Author Lorenza Posted January 30, 2020 Author Posted January 30, 2020 37 minutes ago, introverted1 said: Anyone can get sick or have an accident and be unable to work. Not sure how old you or he are, but it would be very rare for there not to be unexpected bumps in the road of life. Not sure why there's a need to think about all the "what ifs". If you're asking if I'd support the guy financially, the answer is no. Emotionally - sure. 1
Silver_star Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 I know your questions are more about you and whether or not being with him would be settling or not because you haven't been wildly attracted to him and hes not your usual type. What about him though? Do you know he would be interested? I am assuming because he is in your life and doing you alot of favors he has at least thought of you that way, but again maybe he thinks of you as a little sister? Do you know how you would cross over from friends to more? Are you willing to lose him as a friend if things don't go well?
Author Lorenza Posted January 30, 2020 Author Posted January 30, 2020 1 minute ago, Silver_star said: I know your questions are more about you and whether or not being with him would be settling or not because you haven't been wildly attracted to him and hes not your usual type. What about him though? Do you know he would be interested? I am assuming because he is in your life and doing you alot of favors he has at least thought of you that way, but again maybe he thinks of you as a little sister? Do you know how you would cross over from friends to more? Are you willing to lose him as a friend if things don't go well? Can a man do so much for a woman and think of her as his little sister? But if he does then it's even better
Silver_star Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 It's possible. Depends on the man. It is more possible that he likes you, but has he ever told you that or asked you out ? You said if he thinks of you as his sister that is "even better". Even better than what? Sounds like you don't like the idea of having a more physical relationship with him. Do you want a physical relationship with anyone? Sounds like you don't need to change a thing, because the current situation is working for you. You are already reaping the benefit of his favors without the physical. 1
NuevoYorko Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 I haven't read this whole thread, so forgive me if this has already been said: Yes, "settling" is always bad. A relationship will never be right if one of the people goes into it looking at the other like, "I SETTLED for you." OTOH if your values morph to a place where the idea of comfort becomes a priority and very attractive, and you choose it over "earth shattering" or whatever, you will not be "settling."
VioletVelvet Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said: OTOH if your values morph to a place where the idea of comfort becomes a priority and very attractive, and you choose it over "earth shattering" or whatever, you will not be "settling." 100% You're not settling if your chosen partner offers the things that are important to you, even if they are not what you used to think you wanted.
chillii Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 7 hours ago, introverted1 said: I won't repeat what others have said, but I will point out that life is rarely as planned as we would like it to be, and it isn't static. What happens if this guy loses his job? Gets sick? Will you be prepared to support him, care for him? Or will you leave him once he is the one who needs catching from a fall? Yeah , exactly what l was thinking . Always ironic to hear women talk about this stuff , yet complain in other threads if heaven forbid , he might need her help and support once in awhile, or doesn't have retirement or God knows what else the horror .!!!!!
chillii Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 6 hours ago, Lorenza said: Not sure why there's a need to think about all the "what ifs". If you're asking if I'd support the guy financially, the answer is no. Emotionally - sure. The mind boggles , lovely. 2
chillii Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 5 hours ago, Silver_star said: It's possible. Depends on the man. It is more possible that he likes you, but has he ever told you that or asked you out ? You said if he thinks of you as his sister that is "even better". Even better than what? Sounds like you don't like the idea of having a more physical relationship with him. Do you want a physical relationship with anyone? Sounds like you don't need to change a thing, because the current situation is working for you. You are already reaping the benefit of his favors without the physical. Yeah , l asked the same. l don't think he's even interested in more or something should've come up. Could be more just has a soft spot for her as a friend or yeah sister type thing or something. Could be he's the one that does want the real thing , but with someone else not op .
Woggle Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 You don't need the movie version of passion because you should never chase a fantasy but you need to be in love with a person and find them attractive in order to have a happy relationship that lasts.
Els Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 12 hours ago, Lorenza said: Paying for things is definitely a big plus. But people on the thread got an idea that it's a way for me to survive which it isn't. Knowing he could help me out financially when I'm trouble (which has happened) and maybe treat me to things I shouldn't splurge on as middle class professional, is nice. It's a part of that sense of security I think this is fair. The main reason you're getting so much flak (from the reasonable posters, anyway) is that your opening post seems to convey that the money is ALL you care about. Generally, it's quite normal for people to be put off by someone who's in a relationship SOLELY or mainly for a superficial reason that has nothing to do with who that person is inside. If you actually care about having a good, nourishing, mutual relationship with a man, and financial security is one of the boxes, that's fine IMO. 1
ljwentworth32 Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 yes because you will bore of them and want a man/woman of better quality. comfort is good but it leads to complacency. there is no challenge there. no excitement. 1 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 I equate "being comfortable" with "settling" initially, but it can easily indicate a relationship where one is truly satisfied and there is a feeling that the search is over....aaaaahhhhh... I don't need the excitement of a younger 40-something...just turned 51 and prefer the ladies between 45-53...fit...and rock stars in the bed! That's being comforable. 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 On 1/28/2020 at 12:00 PM, Lorenza said: Is settling for something comfortable really that bad? Well in those terms it is practically a prescribed suggestion for many women who have lived patterns of abuse at the hands of their lovers. "When you see/sense someone to whom you are REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEally attracted... that's the time to RUN the other way!!" (so begins the advice of Dr. Drew to many who have a history of abuses at the hands of their partners) it goes on: "... find someone to whom you are marginally attracted at first... take your time, get to know them... and let them grow on you..." as that will be much safer. SO... on the broad scale... you already know the answer to your question. 1
Author Lorenza Posted January 31, 2020 Author Posted January 31, 2020 26 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: Well in those terms it is practically a prescribed suggestion for many women who have lived patterns of abuse at the hands of their lovers. "When you see/sense someone to whom you are REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEally attracted... that's the time to RUN the other way!!" (so begins the advice of Dr. Drew to many who have a history of abuses at the hands of their partners) it goes on: "... find someone to whom you are marginally attracted at first... take your time, get to know them... and let them grow on you..." as that will be much safer. SO... on the broad scale... you already know the answer to your question. Men I'm attracted to are usually low comittment/investment, emotionally unstable a**h***s who use all the excuses in the world to not treat me well. So I do feel like I need to run away from anyone I'm really attracted to. I can see this guy rowing on me though. Been thinking that the lack of attraction could be due to nothing ever going forward. I remember being very confused in the beginning, which was over 2 years ago.
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