Is settling for something comfortable really that bad?

January 29, 2020

3 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Lorenza's guy has slept in the same bed with her 4 nights and didn't make a move.

I think the psychology of these guys is something like: "She's a beautiful queen, I want to light her up, and I don't care what's in it for me beyond getting to admire her in all her radiance." That's pretty much what they told me.

It's also been over 2 years we've known each other

January 29, 2020

5 hours ago, Lorenza said:

Does happiness only rely on love? A man's love for a woman is the most conditional and temporary love there is. A pet probably loves you more purely than a man ever will

Ah contraire OP- I’m surprised you could say that after all you have said in this thread. You lack a great deal of self awareness. With all due respect to you if this man invested in a dog it sounds like it would cost him less and love him more than you ever will.

January 29, 2020

5 minutes ago, some_username1 said:

Ah contraire OP- I’m surprised you could say that after all you have said in this thread. You lack a great deal of self awareness. With all due respect to you if this man invested in a dog it sounds like it would cost him less and love him more than you ever will.

I'm talking out of personal experience, my own and those I know. My own father dumped my devoted mother and has been chasing women that treat him terribly for years now. It's my opinion. Too bad you got so offended and triggered, which "with all due respect" doesn't really cover up lol

January 29, 2020

Sorry to hear that. It can be hard to hard to believe what is outside of our experience. There really are some great men out there who do love as ‘unconditionally’ as I can imagine. My dad is one.

But yea, I feel like pets love everyone more ‘purely’. They are completely innocent...

January 29, 2020

4 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

I agree with this 100%. OP, there may be a lot of members here who may not agree with your viewpoint (myself included). But, if such an arrangement works for you (and for him), then you can ignore all the other advice and do whatever to your heart's content.

Then again, if this was a good arrangement, you wouldn't be asking "Is settling for something comfortable really that bad?" Do you even like this guy? I would say that I wouldn't want to be the person that someone else "settles" for. Most people don't. How would you feel if a guy "settles" for you?

Well I probably would have noticed if a guy settled for me. That's more rare however. I'm asking because I'm not sure if I want that by 100%

January 29, 2020

Just now, Cookiesandough said:

Sorry to hear that. It can be hard to hard to believe what is outside of our experience. There really are some great men out there who do love as ‘unconditionally’ as I can imagine. My dad is one.

But yea, I feel like pets love everyone more ‘purely’. They are completely innocent...

Great that you have an example of that then. Around me there's only broken marriages. My auntie was also dumped by her husband she's been with since highschool and now she has 5 cats, 2 dogs and a couple of rodents. Pets are the best. Their love is so simple-minded

January 29, 2020

37 minutes ago, Lorenza said:

Don't think that has anything to do with how many women graduate Uni. I have a degree in economics for example. Where I'm from more women than men are graduating uni as well. It's not about that.

Maybe in your country having a University degree doesn't mean a good paycheck. If a woman is financially secure why would she be looking for a man to pay her 'stuff' ?

January 29, 2020

11 minutes ago, Lorenza said:

Great that you have an example of that then. Around me there's only broken marriages. My auntie was also dumped by her husband she's been with since highschool

I have in my past a broken marriage with a man I was with since high school. Then I was in a relationship for a few years with a chronic cheater. I didn't lose faith in men and love for that, I kept working at finding the relationship I wanted. If ever him and I don't work then what? I am not made of sugar, I will survive and be just fine and I'll find love again. In life we are the stories we tell ourselves. Keep saying men aren't honest and aren't worth while and that's what you'll get. You shouldn't care what type of relationship you have around you, you should be goal oriented, you should work on what YOU want and the heck with what others have or not have accomplished.

Edited January 29, 2020 by Gaeta

January 29, 2020

4 minutes ago, Lorenza said:

I'm talking out of personal experience, my own and those I know. My own father dumped my devoted mother and has been chasing women that treat him terribly for years now. It's my opinion. Too bad you got so offended and triggered, which "with all due respect" doesn't really cover up lol

Hey, you’re the one who seems hurt/triggered enough to complain that a man’s love is less than that of an animal! I’m merely pointing out that if you can’t see the irony in you complaining about a man’s love being less than that of a pet while wondering about whether you can settle for him simply because he does stuff for you then that displays a great lack of awareness on your part.

The bit about your father is actually interesting- one could argue that you are displaying the same dynamic between yourself and this guy. Maybe something to think about there.

January 29, 2020

3 minutes ago, some_username1 said:

Hey, you’re the one who seems hurt/triggered enough to complain that a man’s love is less than that of an animal! I’m merely pointing out that if you can’t see the irony in you complaining about a man’s love being less than that of a pet while wondering about whether you can settle for him simply because he does stuff for you then that displays a great lack of awareness on your part.

The bit about your father is actually interesting- one could argue that you are displaying the same dynamic between yourself and this guy. Maybe something to think about there.

I wasn't acting hurt or triggered, just telling how I see it. Disappointment is probably the right word. Nah I wouldn't say I displaying the same dynamic as my father. I've been on the other side of the spectrum more than enough, with guys who treated me horribly and I was the one jumping through hopps for them. It kinda feels like it's eye for an eye out there in the dating world.
It's not only that this guy does stuff for me. It's also how I feel in his presence, which I wrote also in his thread. I feel safe with him. Like nothing bad can happen to me.

January 29, 2020

18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Maybe in your country having a University degree doesn't mean a good paycheck. If a woman is financially secure why would she be looking for a man to pay her 'stuff' ?

It doesn't always mean a good paycheck, no. But a man paying for your stuff isn't a means to survive either. It's just a desirable trait in a man, as gender roles are way more traditional. For me it's a sense of security which at the moment feels more important than anything else. I do have a job, I've moved back to my home country and landed a good one with my degree and language knowledge. So while I'm poor at the moment, I won't be soon. I have just started. But having someone who can catch me if I fall... That would be more valuable than having someone who gives me butterflies. Ok, it's not only that I like about this guy either. We can have good conversations. I admire his capability to solve problems. And emotional maturity.

January 29, 2020

23 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Keep saying men aren't honest and aren't worth while and that's what you'll get.

And if I may say, the pain of loneliness can be just as hard as any pain that can result from a failed relationship. Relationships are always a risk. And nobody moves through this life without suffering loss, disappointment, and pain. If you do, you are not really living.

Also, decisions made from fear are not generally good decisions.

January 29, 2020

15 minutes ago, Lorenza said:

I wasn't acting hurt or triggered, just telling how I see it. Disappointment is probably the right word. Nah I wouldn't say I displaying the same dynamic as my father. I've been on the other side of the spectrum more than enough, with guys who treated me horribly and I was the one jumping through hopps for them. It kinda feels like it's eye for an eye out there in the dating world.
It's not only that this guy does stuff for me. It's also how I feel in his presence, which I wrote also in his thread. I feel safe with him. Like nothing bad can happen to me.

That’s better - in this response and the one below you are starting to flesh out that there is more to it than the security, I guess you need to be the judge of whether that is a good basis for a relationship though.

You should just be very careful about making a decision to pursue this guy as it should be as much about him as about you if you are the one essentially “deciding” how this plays out. From what you have said it’s hard to understand what his thought process is- if he shares a bed with you without making a move that really makes it difficult to understand what his “end game” is here. Either way, I’m sure somewhere inside him there are feelings on some level for you and so being respectful and appreciative of what he has done for you so far would (to my mind) involve treading very carefully with the prospect of settling. I’m sure none of us would ever like to be told or made to feel like our partner settled for us for comfort over real “love” and it’s hard to be confident that this wouldn’t manifest at some point down the line with one hell of a fall out.

But hey, if he is able to keep things platonic by sharing a bed with you and keeping his hands to himself maybe he could even handle you being direct with him that you are looking for a relationship with him based more on “convenience” (for want of a better word) but only you can really judge that.

January 29, 2020

6 hours ago, Lorenza said:

I just don't find men loyal, especially nowadays. But i do like men. Especially the masculine ones. I want to be realistic

Yeah, but you don't have to have a man to carry on your life. Especially the way you feel about them why would you want one?

January 29, 2020

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Must be typical of where you're from. Where I am from women don't want to be maintained. They want a pay check and financial independence. We've actually beat men in that department, we have more women than men graduating Uni and more women than men on the work market.

I think western women are raised to be able to take care of themselves and be a partner in marriage. We enjoy making and spending our own money. It's a good thing to know you can support yourself if your partner leaves you. I wouldn't have it any other way because it allows us to chose for love not because we need someone to take care of us.

January 29, 2020

I would honestly be a little creeped out by a hetero guy who did more for me than a typical friend but didn’t make move for years and years, myself. I wouldn’t go on vacations etc with them and share a bed, no way. I would think they weren’t interested in me so much as my skin. xD it’s just a weird dynamic to me , but I get some people are about it

January 29, 2020

19 hours ago, Lorenza said:

Well he isn't finding anyone. We had way less contact during the second half of 2018 and first half of 2019. I'm not trying to act in any certain way actually. Not trying to pretend or be sweet to him

Currently he isn't looking for anyone. He won't be if he thinks you care for him. Even if he isn't looking right now, settling is not fair for him.

January 30, 2020

If the arrangement works for the both of you and you both can be content, why not? There's nothing wrong with companionship--as long as you both are good without passion, go for it. Sometimes, comfortable companionship with someone you can share day to day life with is preferable to being on a crazy emotional roller coaster with someone who constantly has you guessing about where they're coming from.

I think with some women who do this, especially at a young age, they eventually start with the GIGs and their dissatisfaction for their circumstances grow.

January 30, 2020

3 hours ago, Lorenza said:

Great that you have an example of that then. Around me there's only broken marriages. My auntie was also dumped by her husband she's been with since highschool and now she has 5 cats, 2 dogs and a couple of rodents. Pets are the best. Their love is so simple-minded

Certainly a shame, I don't know if using a man will break the cycle, but perhaps it will.

Personal experiences, and the relationships our parents model for us really do affect our future relationships whether we like it or not.

Perhaps you subconsciously went for men like you dad - and hence found the same results. Perhaps your grandfather was the same, and his two daughters found themselves in the same boat (just a guess).

My dad is a wonderful man, really can't say enough good things about him, and the 35+ year marriage he and my step mother have is beautiful (oh and she is the one that was the high earner with a PhD).

My brother and his wife have been happily married for over 25 years.

My sister and her husband for 23 and counting.

My husband and I have been together for 19 and counting.

We all have healthy strong relationships, and I can thank our parents (his were married 40+ years till death) for being role models.

Sounds like you haven't had much in the way of a good model of what a love based marriage can look like.

If you feel like you can be genuine to this, and make it work, and you feel it's honest and fair to him, and that being financially taken care of is that important to you....

Well I guess put in the work to make this work. Do you have any positive examples or this sort of relationship that has worked? Could they be a role model for you?

January 30, 2020

My dad and my mum are married for 30+ years and still relatively happy together. I don't know if they're "in love" in a romantic sense, but they certainly do love and care for one another.

But, while financial security was a factor, my mother wasn't exactly just picking the man who bought her the most things or who could afford to do so. They got together when they were students and my dad had nothing. He had only just started work when they got married.

I think there's a big difference between financial security being one of the factors, and the way you're viewing relationships, OP. Yes, it's probably not a great idea to marry a man who has never held a job for more than a month and is living with his mom at 30, and most of us do require that the man is at least employed and able to support himself. But there is so, so much more to selecting a partner than "how willing he is to spend money on me".

January 30, 2020

13 hours ago, Lorenza said:

My own father dumped my devoted mother and has been chasing women that treat him terribly for years now. It's my opinion.

A note on this, You have to judge carefully unhappy couples around you. Your mother may have been devoted to your eyes but you didn't go to bed with them every night. There was many things between them you were not aware of.

January 30, 2020

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

My dad and my mum are married for 30+ years and still relatively happy together. I don't know if they're "in love" in a romantic sense, but they certainly do love and care for one another.

But, while financial security was a factor, my mother wasn't exactly just picking the man who bought her the most things or who could afford to do so. They got together when they were students and my dad had nothing. He had only just started work when they got married.

I think there's a big difference between financial security being one of the factors, and the way you're viewing relationships, OP. Yes, it's probably not a great idea to marry a man who has never held a job for more than a month and is living with his mom at 30, and most of us do require that the man is at least employed and able to support himself. But there is so, so much more to selecting a partner than "how willing he is to spend money on me".

Well I don't know if you noticed but i specified that it's not money in itself, it's making me feel safe and that I feel like everything's gonna be ok in his presence. There were other generous guys I've gone out with in the past one or two years and them paying for everything didn't mean much to mean and I cut the contact quite early.

Edited January 30, 2020 by Lorenza

January 30, 2020

If you read him your opening post and he is OK with it, then sure, go for it.

January 30, 2020

7 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

If you read him your opening post and he is OK with it, then sure, go for it.

Do you tell people the exact things you say to others about them? The things you say to your girlfriends?

I told him I don't feel any romantic feelings but appreciate having him in my life and that he has helped me a lot. No need to tell every little detail I'm thinking. Too much honesty is neither kind nor smart.

January 30, 2020

After marriage and seeing what was left out there now, and in losing all faith at the time in anything marriage love passion devotion , l thought about what your saying myself.

l thought wtf , why not and l met some nice women too that would've been happy to. One had 5 houses, and she was so damn cute , l might've even loved her one day, but it was nothing like that for me at the time. We wouldn't have even had to work and we;d' make a great team too. Another owned her house, had a monster camper and wanted to travel the country together , money invested, great girl too , and a brilliant cook haha, bonus , she wanted to do something. but again although l liked her a lot too , no love in that way or much attraction again. but both these two would've been loving loyal , great and lasting partners . There was a third one too , man she would made the best wife a man could ask for but l'd ask myself , why can't l love any of them , just do it , f@ck it all who cares anymore , and l could at least love her for who she was and what were were together , is that so bad, probably out last anyone else anyway. ! buttttt, l just couldn't go for it.

Your sitch , strange how he's done all these things for so long , but yet hasn't tried and wanted more . Haven't read the whole thread but has he ever ? lf he hasn't maybe he just has no interest in more or you in that way himself either,

Edited January 30, 2020 by chillii

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