Author Lorenza Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 But just to point out, I'm not lying or manipulating him. Even though a man's love is worth nothing, I don't want to decieve. It is how it is by nature - spreading genes to as many women as possible. Men aren't monogamous. That doesn't mean they deserve dishonesty. The guy knows how I feel
Els Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 Just now, Gaeta said: You're arguing with a bunch of westerners, we don't have the same views on love, relationships, finances in relationships, etc. You don't have to justify to us your choice. No, I'm Asian, and the OP's viewpoint is fairly common in my culture. I just have never seen it end with happiness. 1
Author Lorenza Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: You're arguing with a bunch of westerners, we don't have the same views on love, relationships, finances in relationships, etc. You don't have to justify to us your choice. Being from Eastern Europe doesn't make me another specie, Gaeta. I can still talk to westerners. Have lived in Scandinavia for 11 years
Author Lorenza Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 4 minutes ago, Elswyth said: Maybe you should stay away from men entirely if this is truly how you feel about them. I just don't find men loyal, especially nowadays. But i do like men. Especially the masculine ones. I want to be realistic
Gaeta Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 Just now, Lorenza said: Being from Eastern Europe doesn't make me another specie, Gaeta. I can still talk to westerners. Have lived in Scandinavia for 11 years I don't want you to stop talking to us lol. I was just explaining why your views on love are being debated by members. Also culture defines us a lot more than people realize it. 3
Els Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 3 minutes ago, Lorenza said: I just don't find men loyal, especially nowadays. But i do like men. Especially the masculine ones. I want to be realistic Of course there are disloyal men, just like how there are disloyal women. It's about the person you choose, not everyone with the same set of genitals is the same.
Gaeta Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 (edited) There is an American man on here who chose to travel to Philippines to find a wife. He will bring her back in North America and financially support her for the next 5 years, maybe all of his life. It's his choice, people can debate it, but at the end of the day it's his life. I don't see the difference with you. You want security over love. You posted here to justify to yourself it was ok to want what you want. I am telling you, it's your life, live it as you see fit. Find yourself a decent man that can give you the security you want. If it doesn't work you'll do like 50% of us and you'll leave. Edited January 29, 2020 by Gaeta 4
fishlips Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 My parents had an arranged marriage. I don't know if they were madly in love when they met, but after nearly 50 years when my dad died, my mom was shattered. They were definitely in love then. Since your culture is similar, yes it can work. However, you don't seem to think much of this man besides appreciating his money. You haven't said anything about his personality. Do you enjoy his company? If yes, then you might fall in love with him. If you don't feel anything at all, then it's not going to work. My parents may have been in love, but my dad's parents basically had no respect for one another and hated each other. If you don't like or respect this man, then don't marry him.
elaine567 Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 I believe that "love" tends to give woman (usually) the justification to put up with all sorts of negative behaviours from men. With out "love" to patch over the cracks, and make them feel better about sticking around, I think many woman can be very miserable. 1
Gaeta Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 If you chose a relationship of convenience, I think what is important is that you have respect for the man, for who he is and for what he has accomplished. If you look down on him I don't see how you could grow to love him, or the relationship could make it long term.
SumGuy Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 The word settling means different things to different people. I found that when people say they don;t want to settle, and other push back, is when anything less than all their wants is settling. It doesn't seem there is any division between must have and nice to have. And maybe they must have all they say, but then fail to realize how tall of an order that is. Then it usually devolves into ones "league" which in my book really is that you are looking for "perfection" in someone else (that is asking for someone to have a large number of traits in combination that few have) but are not providing the same in return, essentially you are expecting the other person to settle for you. For me, I have certain core must haves, I try to keep them few and many are just baseline for a person who has it together. All the other stuff is nice to have, it all is about balance. If what is missing is core to you then settling can be hard and may never take. Certainly if what you believe is core to you is not core to most then listen to their thoughts but in the end it id what you value and want, not them, that matters. In these situations, that is where a trusted, insightful friend, or good therapist can help. Many of us have a hard time separating core needs from those that are not or are needs that arise from a dysfunctional view or experience. A good therapist can help one get past the need for things that are dysfunctional in how they pay out in your life. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: It will be very hard to find a man willing to support you financially in 2020 if you live in a western country. This is not true. Almost every man I've been involved with has told me that as long as I'm with him, I never have to work again if I don't want to, and they have enough money to pay for everything. That's never been enough for me, I'm all about true love, but in my experience, a solid provider is easy to find. 2 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, rjc149 said: However, if you need the handouts, and if he’s okay with being a sugar daddy and nothing more, then you better start putting out. The longer you kept taking without giving back, the more his expectations rise and the more his resentment explodes when you try to play the innocent deer in headlights as you sexually reject him . This is also not true. There are tons and tons of men who get off on supporting a woman financially even with nothing given in return. I lost count of the number of men online who have offered me lots of money for the most trifling of things, like normal pictures of me. I never went for it, not my thing. But there are lots of men out there just begging to be used. I think it's a kink called "financial domination." Edited January 29, 2020 by Ruby Slippers
spiritedaway2003 Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 (edited) 33 minutes ago, SumGuy said: For me, I have certain core must haves, I try to keep them few and many are just baseline for a person who has it together. All the other stuff is nice to have, it all is about balance. If what is missing is core to you then settling can be hard and may never take. Certainly if what you believe is core to you is not core to most then listen to their thoughts but in the end it id what you value and want, not them, that matters I agree with this 100%. OP, there may be a lot of members here who may not agree with your viewpoint (myself included). But, if such an arrangement works for you (and for him), then you can ignore all the other advice and do whatever to your heart's content. Then again, if this was a good arrangement, you wouldn't be asking "Is settling for something comfortable really that bad?" Do you even like this guy? I would say that I wouldn't want to be the person that someone else "settles" for. Most people don't. How would you feel if a guy "settles" for you? Edited January 29, 2020 by spiritedaway2003
rjc149 Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 (edited) The love a woman has for a man is just as conditional. All romantic love is conditional. Men who get complacent, clingy, lose their source of income etc. get cheated on or dumped almost as a rule. If he can’t remain the man she fell for, she will bail. Especially nowadays with less social stigma on divorce and single motherhood. If this guy knows fully well he’s forever confined to the friend zone, doesn’t mind, and keeps paying for your life anyways, then, I guess ride that gravy train as long as it goes. I do not, however, believe that’s the case as you see it. He’s trying to court you and show you his provisional abilities, hoping he will win you over with patience and generosity. I know that financial security is much more of a determining factor when choosing a male partner in Eastern Europe, it’s an integral part of their dating culture and in other societies with endemic poverty. It’s just tough to make a judgement call on whether you should stop using him, whether he should stop eagerly letting himself be used, or whether you can, and are willing, to be romantically won over by his money. Edited January 29, 2020 by rjc149
rjc149 Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 17 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: This is also not true. There are tons and tons of men who get off on supporting a woman financially even with nothing given in return. I lost count of the number of men online who have offered me lots of money for the most trifling of things, like normal pictures of me. I never went for it, not my thing. But there are lots of men out there just begging to be used. I think it's a kink called "financial domination." Well, at first they just want a picture.
Gaeta Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 24 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: This is not true. Almost every man I've been involved with has told me that as long as I'm with him, I never have to work again if I don't want to, and they have enough money to pay for everything. That's never been enough for me, I'm all about true love, but in my experience, a solid provider is easy to find. Must be typical of where you're from. Where I am from women don't want to be maintained. They want a pay check and financial independence. We've actually beat men in that department, we have more women than men graduating Uni and more women than men on the work market. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 7 minutes ago, rjc149 said: Well, at first they just want a picture. Lorenza's guy has slept in the same bed with her 4 nights and didn't make a move. I think the psychology of these guys is something like: "She's a beautiful queen, I want to light her up, and I don't care what's in it for me beyond getting to admire her in all her radiance." That's pretty much what they told me.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 Just now, Gaeta said: Must be typical of where you're from. Where I am from women don't want to be maintained. They want a pay check and financial independence. We've actually beat men in that department, we have more women than men graduating Uni and more women than men on the work market. It's probably related more to my family of origin dynamic and the way I present myself. I've always supported myself 100%, but in romance I present as pretty traditional, old school, feminine, etc., just like my mom and older sisters always have. I can't tell you how many men have raved simply about the fact that I wear skirts/dresses on dates. I look around and see all these women in nice restaurants in jeans. My femininity brings out their masculinity and really turns them on. It's a Western phenomenon that women are beginning to outpace men in academic and career achievement. But there are those traditionalists among us who gravitate toward a strong masculine/feminine duality. I'll also add that I'm quickly evolving my thinking on this matter, becoming a more empowered woman. But there's that streak in me that will always appreciate the energy of a strong masculine/feminine duality.
preraph Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 I'd rather have to work two jobs than to submit to sex with someone I wasn't attracted to, but to each his own. I mean, that WOULD be the job. Eventually his pride would make him expect more reciprocation from you in all ways after the newness wore off. 2
Miss Spider Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 30 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: Lorenza's guy has slept in the same bed with her 4 nights and didn't make a move. I think the psychology of these guys is something like: "She's a beautiful queen, I want to light her up, and I don't care what's in it for me beyond getting to admire her in all her radiance." That's pretty much what they told me. Hahaha yeah right. It’s all rooted in sex at the end of the day. 4
BaileyB Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 25 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: It's a Western phenomenon that women are beginning to outpace men in academic and career achievement. But there are those traditionalists among us who gravitate toward a strong masculine/feminine duality. I tend to agree Ruby, I think family of origin has a definite influence. Personally, I was raised by two parents who were true partners in providing for the family. This was my model. And yet, my parents most definitely maintained traditional roles in the family. I see that when I expect certain things of my partner and he says “why do I always have to be the driver?” (For example, and the answer is - because the husband/father usually drove in my family). There was a strong masculine/feline duality between my parents, but they both worked and they combined their pay (they both earned commission) to meet the financial obligations for the family. They also instilled an appreciation in their children that education and the ability to support one’s self and one’s family was not only a necessary reality of life, but a worthy goal to which one should aspire. As to preraphs comment, I too would rather work two jobs that have to be in a relationship that is unfulfilling because I was unwilling/unable to support myself. I have a cousin who has never worked since the day she married - even after her husband lost his job when they had four children to support... That didn’t motivate her to update her resume and use the university degree that she had earned all those years ago... She is in a miserable marriage and there is now financial stress... that is truly my definition of hell. No love, no money, no options, no happiness. 4
rjc149 Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 (edited) 36 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: Lorenza's guy has slept in the same bed with her 4 nights and didn't make a move. I think the psychology of these guys is something like: "She's a beautiful queen, I want to light her up, and I don't care what's in it for me beyond getting to admire her in all her radiance." That's pretty much what they told me. I think his psychology is one of these, or a blend of them: 1. ”I would never disrespect a woman by showing sexual interest, true love and marriage must come first.” 2. “What if she rejects me? What if I lose her? What if I can’t perform? I’ll just wait for the right moment to make my move, to tell her how I truly feel, until then I’ll make her feel as comfortable and appreciated around me as possible.” 3. “I like penis.” I suppose Lorenza will find out in due time. Edited January 29, 2020 by rjc149
Author Lorenza Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 2 hours ago, rjc149 said: I think his psychology is one of these, or a blend of them: 1. ”I would never disrespect a woman by showing sexual interest, true love and marriage must come first.” 2. “What if she rejects me? What if I lose her? What if I can’t perform? I’ll just wait for the right moment to make my move, to tell her how I truly feel, until then I’ll make her feel as comfortable and appreciated around me as possible.” 3. “I like penis.” I suppose Lorenza will find out in due time. well he's quite liberal so I can't see why he wouldn't chase penis if that's what he's into. Spending over 2 years doting on a woman doesn't seem productive lol
Author Lorenza Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: Must be typical of where you're from. Where I am from women don't want to be maintained. They want a pay check and financial independence. We've actually beat men in that department, we have more women than men graduating Uni and more women than men on the work market. Don't think that has anything to do with how many women graduate Uni. I have a degree in economics for example. Where I'm from more women than men are graduating uni as well. It's not about that.
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