Lorenza Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 A lot of women do that - choose a man they aren't crazy about, but who can grant them a comfortable life. Security and comfort over passion. Maybe that's not such a bad idea? There's a guy who's been doing me a lot of favors during the last few years and I can see how he could make my life so much easier. Which he doesn't seem to mind. He has paid my bills in the past, taken me on trips, fixed things at my place. He's been so extremely helpful during my move to another country (where he also lives). It's so difficult to find someone who will go to such lengths to take care of you. And he hasn't asked me for anything in return, ever - we have never had any physical contact, except for a few hugs while saying hello or goodbye. I am not attracted to him, though don't find him ugly either. It's just he's not the "come and conquer" kind of guy, isn't a quirky mysterious person I'm usually attracted to and is just calm, collected and available. I feel like I'm too afraid of passionate, overwhelming feelings anyway. Been single for 3,5 years, only a little romance last summer with another emotionally unavailabe guy. I'm more inclined towards staying single than diving into another love affair. Guys I'm usually passionate about just bring me trouble. I can't imagine someone handsome, quirky and fun driving for in total 11 hours just to pick me up so I don't have to take a bus. Or paying my rent so that I don't have to look for a rommate and can live alone for more months. Or moving my stuff to a new place completely on his own. I feel secure in his company. So I'm thinking instead of being single and weathering my storms on my own, why not have a companion? If he stuck around for so long and still wants to help me out with whatever I need help with, I don't he minds my lack of passion either. Or maybe some feelings might grow overtime. I found my first ex a bit repulsive when we used to be friends, but later on that changed completely. Most men are flaky, emotionally unavailable and low-investment nowadays anyway, so what the heck. 1
smackie9 Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 You will end up pining for someone else in due time. 7 2
RecentChange Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) Wow..... Well. What's in this for him? A woman who isn't passionate about him, but will tolerate him because he makes your life so much easier? Would you be able to pretend to love having sex with him? Do you think that because he pays for you, you will be willing to work out differences, be there for him when times are tough, and ignore any men who may enter your life that you are passionate about? Seems like an arranged marriage honestly, he does stuff for you.... And well you would have to do stuff for him in return. Personally I could never live like that. Passion and love are important to me and my fulfilment. I couldn't imagine having a passionless relationship that would withstand the test of time. Edited January 28, 2020 by RecentChange 10 2
fishlips Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 He sounds wonderful. Have you been on an actual date with him? Maybe if you look outside your "type," you might see him in a different way. If you have absolutely no attraction to him, though, and you know you never will, then don't go there. Both of you will end up getting hurt. 6
Woggle Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 Being the settle guy is one the worst positions a man can have in life. 7 3
Malin889 Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) He pays your rent and bills? I dunno, why would you let someone do that for you who isn’t your husband or long time significant other? It sounds fishy that he would want to do that without getting something from you. Don’t let a guy do that. If you are really into him, get together with him, but it doesn’t sound like you are. Edited January 28, 2020 by Malin889 2
Gaeta Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) You should find yourself a man in the middle with whom you can fall in love. Forget about being hit by lightning and heaven opening above you when you meet a man, that's nothing else but hormones and brain chemicals. You don't have to give up passion over security, you have to be smarter about what passion is. I was not passionate about my bf when I met him, but each time I met him I grew curious and interested, it was enough for me to pursue, and I fell in love with him as I got to know him, and passion followed. Edited January 28, 2020 by Gaeta 5
Ruby Slippers Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) I'm a true love dreamer all the way. However... Probably more than half the world's population are in similar arrangements and doing just fine. Most arranged marriages are more stable and last a lot longer than love marriages. As long as you're honest with him and he's OK with the dynamic, it's your choice. Edited January 28, 2020 by Ruby Slippers 3
Miss Spider Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: You will end up pining for someone else in due time. This... 2
The Outlaw Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 It's paving the way for an unhappy relationship/marriage. I don't think anyone should ever 'settle' for anyone no matter what's on the other end. Find someone that's compatible with you that completes you. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: You will end up pining for someone else in due time. So do many people who got together / married for "love." 5
Miss Spider Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) Sure , it could end up that way, but don’t start that way. If that’s the case, it’s less a matter of if than when Edited January 28, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
Author Lorenza Posted January 28, 2020 Author Posted January 28, 2020 Is there really something in the middle? Sounds like a fairy tale... Meeting someone who can give both security and passion - how often does that happen? I'm getting an impression that it never does. I'm seeing loving couples splitting left and right, after years of total devotion to each other. Not being crazy about a guy seems like an advantage nowadays. What's in it for him? I don't know, but it seems like he finds it worthwhile. Why is he around for 2 years now? No idea. But I'm not acting like a bitch either, not trying to use his kindness. He keeps on offering.
thefooloftheyear Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Lorenza said: What's in it for him? I don't know, but it seems like he finds it worthwhile. Why is he around for 2 years now? No idea. But I'm not acting like a bitch either, not trying to use his kindness. He keeps on offering. You are dragging him along with a carrot and stick.... If he's the type that hasn't had a lot of sex in his life, he'll drag his nuts over broken glass to get it...And that is essentially what he's doing..,, Your situation sounds a lot like my buddies...He's been chasing this woman for years...She gave him a little sex a few times so he is stupid enough to keep cracking that rock....She leads him around like a little puppy...Its terrible.. Its a situation that benefits you more than him.. have you had sex with him? TFY Edited January 28, 2020 by thefooloftheyear
RecentChange Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 7 minutes ago, Lorenza said: Is there really something in the middle? Sounds like a fairy tale... Meeting someone who can give both security and passion - how often does that happen? I'm getting an impression that it never does. I'm seeing loving couples splitting left and right, after years of total devotion to each other. Not being crazy about a guy seems like an advantage nowadays. Well.... It depends, what do you mean by "security"? For me, it means knowing that he loves me, me for me. Even my dark secrets, things I am ashamed of etc. He accepts and loves me - and I feel the same about him. I feel secure in his arms - it's a place of emotional security for me. But I am a modern woman, I don't need anyone to pay my bills or make sure I have a roof over my head. I am more than capable of doing that myself - and I like that kind of security - knowing that I am self reliant. And knowing that we are together because we choose to be, not because we have to be. Sure loving couples sometimes split, but I don't know that a couple without passion, nor romantic love would be any more likely to stick together... Couples that stay in love stay together, and I guess you could say couples where one partner doesn't have the financial means to leave also stay together. Do you want children? Do you want him to be the father of your children? 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 2 hours ago, smackie9 said: You will end up pining for someone else in due time. Bingo! If you settle for someone, one day you could meet someone who you like more. You'll never be happy in your relationship. Besides I would never want someone to just "settle' for me, that isn't fair. You aren't gonna give him a chance to find someone who really loves him because you pretend to care for him. 2
lana-banana Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 I almost settled for a man who was very much in love with me as well as handsome, smart, kind, etc. It wounded me inside. He never made me laugh, not once, and every time I heard a song about true love I felt like I would throw up. I remember sitting on the couch at a party, with him, and that obnoxious Matchbox 20 song came up with the chorus "and everyone here is thinkin' 'bout somebody else..." and I honest to goodness thought about running out the door. I would lie awake in bed next to him and think about how I'd inevitably have a bored housewife affair at age 42. Don't do it. Don't settle. When actual true love comes into your life you can move heaven and earth for it, and you'll be glad you did. But life is too short and relationships are hard enough to stay with someone you don't utterly adore. 5 1
elaine567 Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 3 hours ago, Lorenza said: here's a guy who's been doing me a lot of favors during the last few years and I can see how he could make my life so much easier. Which he doesn't seem to mind. He has paid my bills in the past, taken me on trips, fixed things at my place. He's been so extremely helpful during my move to another country (where he also lives). It's so difficult to find someone who will go to such lengths to take care of you. "Acts of Service" is I guess his love language... Or someone is paying him to be nice to you - your Dad maybe or your Mom...
mark clemson Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 There is nothing wrong with settling for "pretty good" IMO. There is something wrong with settling for truly "meh". A bit hard to tell which this is for you. (Side note: I liked how I could agree with both RS's and C&D's points above + lots of good points all around...) 2
spiritedaway2003 Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, The Outlaw said: It's paving the way for an unhappy relationship/marriage. I don't think anyone should ever 'settle' for anyone no matter what's on the other end. Find someone that's compatible with you that completes you. ^^^ This. I don’t think relationships need crazy fireworks but “settling” is something else altogether. Just from your description of him, it seemed like he IS a very nice guy but you are just meh about him. If you are settling for him, you are going to miss your chance at meeting someone who is more compatible with you. And it’s also not fair to him either. Unless you have romantic feelings for him, I personally won’t go there and string him along. It’s a recipe for heartbreak. I need love and passion in a relationship so I’d want to be with someone I have romantic feelings for. I’d rather stay single (and I am comfortable with being single) than be unhappy in a bad or a “meh” relationship. But that’s just me. Edited January 29, 2020 by spiritedaway2003 3
K.K. Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 1 minute ago, spiritedaway2003 said: Unless you have romantic feelings for him, I personally won’t go there and string him along. It’s a recipe for heartbreak. I think so too. Plus, when you have to have sex with him, you’re going to want to barf and hang yourself in a closet. Every.Single.Time. 2
scooby-philly Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 To me it's not a question of "passion" first versus growing into passion. Some people are born and conditioned to be one way, some the other. Some are one way and switch to the other. Some are okay and content with a little bit of both. We can't explain nor try to dissect why we are attracted to certain people or certain things. That's life and the beauty of it. But you're trying to rationalize something. How did that thought even enter your mind if you're a passion seeker and you never had any passionate feelings for him? I mean, let me put it to you this way....I just responded to another thread where a woman basically called a guy she was dating unattractive. Would you date someone you found unattractive? Would you want to be dating someone to find out they called you unattractive to someone or a group of strangers on the internet? If you had come on in two months and said - hey - I'm normally a passionate woman and I've found myself attracted to a guy who's more stable and relaxed than I'm usually attracted to - that would be a sign of you maturing and changing. Right now, you're looking for a security blanket and probably subconsciously know he'd fall for you if you asked. If that's your style and you're okay with it and you don't string him on in terms of making him feel any different than you feel about him now - then go for it. Otherwise, just let him be a friend and return his favors to you by finding him someone that's passionate about him.
Author Lorenza Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 5 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said: You are dragging him along with a carrot and stick.... If he's the type that hasn't had a lot of sex in his life, he'll drag his nuts over broken glass to get it...And that is essentially what he's doing..,, Your situation sounds a lot like my buddies...He's been chasing this woman for years...She gave him a little sex a few times so he is stupid enough to keep cracking that rock....She leads him around like a little puppy...Its terrible.. Its a situation that benefits you more than him.. have you had sex with him? TFY Nope, as I said, there was never anything physical between us. Not even holding hands. He hasn't initiated either
Author Lorenza Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 5 hours ago, RecentChange said: Well.... It depends, what do you mean by "security"? For me, it means knowing that he loves me, me for me. Even my dark secrets, things I am ashamed of etc. He accepts and loves me - and I feel the same about him. I feel secure in his arms - it's a place of emotional security for me. But I am a modern woman, I don't need anyone to pay my bills or make sure I have a roof over my head. I am more than capable of doing that myself - and I like that kind of security - knowing that I am self reliant. And knowing that we are together because we choose to be, not because we have to be. Sure loving couples sometimes split, but I don't know that a couple without passion, nor romantic love would be any more likely to stick together... Couples that stay in love stay together, and I guess you could say couples where one partner doesn't have the financial means to leave also stay together. Do you want children? Do you want him to be the father of your children? I do want someone who can help me out financially. I feel comfortable letting a man do that and will always prioritize the one who can pay for things without me even needing to ask. Don't about being a modern woman anymore, not that my way of thinking is very modern anyway. It would be nice if that generous guy I'd end up with was also someone I could fall in love with, but if it isn't... well, it is way easier being loved than to love, isn't it? Children is one sphere I'm "modern" about - I don't want them
Author Lorenza Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 4 hours ago, lana-banana said: Don't do it. Don't settle. When actual true love comes into your life you can move heaven and earth for it, and you'll be glad you did. But life is too short and relationships are hard enough to stay with someone you don't utterly adore. The thing is when a woman is ready to move heaven and earth for a man, he will stop appreciating her in no time. I look around and see men doing everything for women who don't have to move a finger. Isn't life too short for heartbreaks though? When you utterly adore him and he just replaces you with someone who can make him chase?
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