OLD: how to keep the spark going for weeks before meeting?

[Lotsgoingon]

You can reply to him rejecting the coffee meeting ... and doing so with confidence.

Look, I am traveling an hour.  I've been anticipating meeting in person and spending some time with someone who is now mostly a voice/text. 

I assume we both are mature. I don't bite, and I assume you don't bite. So we'll handle whatever comes up ... and if we don't have the romantic chemistry thing, we'll deal. But I don't want to meet with the assumption that we might not like each other. 

I'd like to stay with our original idea. 

That's a confident message. You're saying I don't need you to be happy, but I have been looking forward to meeting you. So you're honoring your feelings and anticipation ... and not starting off by twisting yourself into doing something you don't want to do. 

The key for a confident message is to keep focus on what YOU want and what you think, not criticizing the other person directly.  You're also making clear that you don't want to be jerked around, and you're doing that without apology.

There is no begging in the words above. 

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 1/28/2020 at 11:38 AM, babybrowns said:

Hello, I would love some advice please regarding online dating. I’m talking to someone who lives a few hours away from me and we have set up a meeting for 3 weeks’ time when I’ll be in that part of the country.
 

We are texting a lot but I am concerned that the momentum might get lost by the time we actually meet in person.  Would anyone please be able to advise any tips on how to keep the ‘spark going’ until then?

Many thanks

 

 

I don't think you need a "spark"  (as IF fate is outside of your combined hands, and in the hands of some mythical Cupid )

 

Focus instead on developing conversation NOW... so that when you evolve to meet, you can sit there (observing how surprising  it is ) that you know  the various topics you can talk about.

 

When the day arrives, do what you can to give him a sense of what you'll be wearing, and what color your handbag is... etc...   and get him to give you details of what he'll be wearing, etc.

Do what you can to bring one another's expectations right in line with exactly who will show up in front of their eyes on meeting day.

 

For now... just... conversations about life.

 

 

[preraph]

You have no idea if there will be chemistry with this person until you meet them, so don't go building up some false intimacy. just keep in touch and don't overshare so you have something to talk about when you meet.

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I‘m 30 years old and he is 29. I like a man who is confident and mature, but his attitude of ‘what if it doesn’t go well!’ seems to be lacking in confidence and perhaps maturity. 

He’s being realistic - you are strangers. Don’t write the poor guy off before you even meet him. 

[babybrowns]

Thank you guys for your replies. Yes it would have nice if we had stuck to our original plan for lunch, but I can imagine that if there was no actual chemistry, it would have been quite an awkward ‘waiting for the main course’ and who’s paying the cheque at the end etc. We have decided on coffee, a safe option for a first date.

He’ll be driving and I’ll be taking the train to this halfway town. I was thinking about which train times to book and I asked him if a couple of hours’ meeting time sounds good to him, he’s like “that’s kinda short isn’t it?” which in a way goes against his initial fears of what if it doesn’t go well. He then joked ‘I guess we can make an early departure if need be!’. I’m not too sure how I feel about his sense of humor with regards to this first date. I’m planning on not texting him too much until the day. Indeed one can’t tell what it’s going to be like until meeting in person.

[preraph]

Don't make too much of that comment. He is nervous the same as you are but at the same time he's hopefully you'll really hit it off and want to spend time together, but he's being realistic and will be open to whatever.

[Hopeful30]

If there truly is a spark, you don't need to work on it. It will come naturally. On the contrary, the momentum and excitement should build until your meeting. If it fizzles quickly, the trip may not be worth your while.

[Mystery4u]

11 hours ago, babybrowns said:

He’ll be driving and I’ll be taking the train to this halfway town. I was thinking about which train times to book and I asked him if a couple of hours’ meeting time sounds good to him, he’s like “that’s kinda short isn’t it?” which in a way goes against his initial fears of what if it doesn’t go well. He then joked ‘I guess we can make an early departure if need be!’. I’m not too sure how I feel about his sense of humor with regards to this first date. I’m planning on not texting him too much until the day. Indeed one can’t tell what it’s going to be like until meeting in person.

Why are you putting a time limit on your first date? That's so off putting. You don't need to ask how long you are going to spend together. Book any ticket and worst case you just get another train when you are ready to leave.

You two are micro managing this first date way too much. Just arrange a time and place to meet, doesn't need to be for anything specific like just coffee or just lunch. Just meet and go with the flow!

[Miss Spider]

Meeting him in like 5 min....so Nervous 

[preraph]

Cookies, there's nothing wrong with smiling and telling the guy, "I'm kind of nervous!"  It would probably put him at ease too.  

[Miss Spider]

3 hours ago, preraph said:

Cookies, there's nothing wrong with smiling and telling the guy, "I'm kind of nervous!"  It would probably put him at ease too.  

Ty yes I had my date with him. I was not attracted to him.:( there was no chemistry for me...

 

sigh

[preraph]

Well maybe next time.

[Interstellar]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

Ty yes I had my date with him. I was not attracted to him.:( there was no chemistry for me...

 

sigh

Hmm, didn’t you see his picture?

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Interstellar said:

Hmm, didn’t you see his picture?

It’s interesting you bring that up. I did. In his pics, I thought he was cute, but I knew it was one of those that could go either way. He is almost outside my usual type physically/just on the edge of being attracted to him in his pics, but I thought that it might work in person. His personality really pulled it over for me. He was very witty and we clicked in our text exchange. But unfortunately, it didn’t translate well IRL at all. He didn’t really have a vibe I was into. Didn’t like his voice much. And his appearance to me was like the worst version of what the man in the pics could have been while still being an accurate portrayal. Just was not feeling it. The way he carried himself or anything. 
 

So we met at the arcade and we talked and played games. Then we had dinner. Then he asked what else I’d like to do so I said can we go to your place and watch documentaries. I knew he lives with roommates and he doesn’t have a room set up yet. So it would be his roommates and us and no privacy but that was fine. It was really crappy weather out.  
 

Everything  was going ok until he put his arm around me on the couch and I realized that he might want to kiss and I have 0 attraction to him. So I said I needed to get back to my dog. He walked me to my car and said he had a really great time and I said “sorry I would kiss, but I don’t want to get you sick” (I’ve legitimately had a cold)  and he said that’s fine and would like to do this again sometime and please text him when I got home. I said ok I will but I won’t and never plan to. Sigh 

[Fletch Lives]

Well if you have to work harder at keeping interest, maybe that should be a clue that you are going about it the wrong way. Most long distance relationships don't work. I'd suggest dating locally.