Suicide...

[Torn Up]

For those of you who read my post "I knew better," you know my story, the circumstance surrounding the relationship I had with a MM. And you also know I have broken it off with him, however...he has been very persistant in pursuing our relationship.

 

I have basically let him know that I am not willing to remain in a relationship with him, especially after that long night when I learned the truth from his wife.

 

He has continued to send me emails, leaving small gifts and notes on my desk at work, leaving things on the windshield wiper of my car.

 

Okay, 3 days ago he sent an email to me saying he understands my feelings, asked me to forgive him for the pain he's caused me, and went on to say that his love for me is genuine, that he was willing to give up everything in his life for me.

 

Then, in this email, he said something that struck a nerve in me. Said, "I will not bother you anymore. I have made a plan for myself but don't desire to go into it this morning. I only want to settle my affairs, like property, cars, and other things. I won't be around long so I need to take care of this." He continued on saying how much he loves me, how bad he wanted to have a future with me.

 

This email bothered me. I didn't quite know what he meant about "settling my affairs," and "I won't be around long."

 

So I contacted him, asking him to elaborate on what he meant by that. He said it didn't matter, didn't want to discuss it. We finally agreed to meet and talk over a cup of coffee.

 

Turns out he planned to...in his words, "check out." He had a plan (and I must say, it was well thought out). He had letters written to various people in his life, me included, with his last wishes and personal messages. When I asked him why he would want to do such a thing, he said it was many things. Said, "the love of my life (me) tells me to f*** off, the job is driving me nuts and I don't think I can take it much longer, and I'm miserable with my wife, she is making my life hell, and my daughter won't speak to me, she hates me. So there's nothing for me anymore."

 

We talked for quite some time. He finally agreed that he wouldn't go through with it, but says he is not happy with his life.

 

I honestly don't know what the hell to do anymore. I mean, I know that getting out of this relationship was the right thing to do, but I now worry about him carrying out his "plan." He has asked me to keep it to myself, which I have done so far. But now I'm wondering if I should share it with somebody on a professional level. Perhaps a clergyman...don't know.

 

I tell you, this has been more drama than I can handle...and it just keeps getting worse.

 

Like I said...a part of me just wants to run away and not look back.

 

~Torn~

[legrtova]

 

Like I said...a part of me just wants to run away and not look back.

 

Oh girl, DO IT!

Call his wife, inform the hospital or call suicide line, but get OUT! He is trying to make you feel guilty, why else would he tell you about it if he REALLY meant it?! I'm not saying that he wouldn't go through with it, but doesn't that tell you that is just selfish? He doesn't care about you or his family, he only cares about his own pain. I would make sure he is safe and run as fast as I could!

This is tough, I really feel for you!

I hope you get through this!

L.

[lynnered]

Do U think he is making this up to keep U around?

Some may think me heartless,but i think if someones going to kill themselves ,they will do it most times,but those who cry ,"IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF"are drama (not all so dont jump on me for this)

I have a friend who everytime her &boyfriend got in a fight would write a note talk of jumping off a bridge,come on ,it got so old when shed call me I almost told her to do it!

Im again sorry if i sound harsh but only from what i read(i dont know him or U at all)i think hes full of it,sorry.

[Barby]

Since (as none of us do) I don't know either of you personally either....my two cents (which aren't worth much but here ya go...) is that I would be concerned!!!

 

I agree that usually those who cry "I'm going to kill myself"

are "usually" full of BS....but he showed you letters to loved ones, has considered finances, his family's future, ect, ect.

 

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear or going to help ease your mind any........but I think he could be capable of doing this. Most who cry wolf don't go to this extreme. He sounds very depressed and feeling like there is no out!

 

I doubt it is a ploy to get you back or make you feel guilty since he did NOT blame it on the break-up with you. He admitted that it compiled to the rest of his failings and un-happiness in life but didn't blame it soley on that.

 

In some ways I think he came to you looking for help, looking for the "magic" solution that obviously no one will be able to give him. Maybe he came to you feeling that you were the only one who could truly understand him?!?!

 

I hope you tried to make him realize the devastation his suicide would have on his friends/family......most of all his daughter!!! I can't even begin to imagine how it would destroy her life....she would most likely live with extreme guilt, knowing her "not talking" to him added to his contemplating/(or actually) commiting suicide...it would probably destroy her totally!!!

 

 

I agree that you need to inform someone.....first and foremost his wife....she needs to know in order to (hopefully) aid him in getting the help he needs. Since you know you're done w/him romantically....out of pure human compassion (and the friend that you'd been to each other) telling her/and whoever else (clergyman, ect) you feel the need to....you'll be knowing that you've done what you can and the rest will be in God's hands! I'm sorry you've been put in this spot!!

[newbby]

actually thinking that those who talk of suicide are doing it for the drama only is wrong. usually those who talk about it are suicidal for most of the time but keep it to themselves, they talk about it either because they have reasons, such as family that keep them from actually doing it, or they want to know that if they do do it everyone will be okay without them. people talking about suicide should never be taken lightly, usually.

however, in this case, i dont know if its a case of the persistence of a mm gone too far or not. as the way he has done it and told you about it, is a bit extreme. i had an ex who did this, and actually attempted it, but it was a half hearted attempt if you know what i mean. it really doesnt sound like it is serious though, usually i would say someone had more mental torture than that to drive them to suicide, not oh the love of my life doesnt want me etc

i think yes, call his wife, anonymously and tell her, or any other of his family that you know of, and then get out of his life, completely. if it is all just manipulation, then that is the ultimate.

[Maria46]

Torn,

 

I have read your other post and seems to me that he is just another cheating man, with the same stories of their terrible marriages.

 

I believe this last stunt is to get your attention. The poor me game.

 

But I agree with Barby about contacting his wife or clergy about this. Do not let him make you feel guilty. You are not responsible for his actions.

 

You should not have been put on the spot like this!

 

Take care!

[Outcast]

It is always a mistake to judge people talking about suicide to be playing stunts. As someone else said, this guy has thought it through too carefully for it just to be a stunt. Absolutely contact as many of his associates, friends, family as you can and put them on alert.

[wahaha1]

just my 0.02

 

remember the story about three little pigs? even he brings this thing (suicide) up for the second or third time, you should treat this matter seriously. Look for help from professionals and bring him to psychological conselling, he looks like in serious depression and definitely need attention from people.

 

If you still care about him but decided to leave him, I would say don't leave him at this time, try to encourge him and get him back to his normal life, then leave him at that point.

[newbby]

because he is possibly suicidal does not mean she has to stick around him though. she does need to alert somebody though. i agree that talking about suicide does not mean somebody will not go through with it. it is a myth. theres a great site (i cant remember the address) about suicide, and there is no evidence to suggest that people who talk about it never do it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Said, "I will not bother you anymore. I have made a plan for myself but don't desire to go into it this morning. I only want to settle my affairs, like property, cars, and other things. I won't be around long so I need to take care of this." He continued on saying how much he loves me, how bad he wanted to have a future with me.

 

Turns out he planned to...in his words, "check out." He had a plan (and I must say, it was well thought out). He had letters written to various people in his life, me included, with his last wishes and personal messages.

 

Ah, you got to love passive aggressive emotional blackmail. It really does the trick too. It accomplished exactly what he intended it to do:

 

I mean, I know that getting out of this relationship was the right thing to do, but I now worry about him carrying out his "plan." He has asked me to keep it to myself, which I have done so far.

 

He has caused you to question doing the right thing for yourself, and he will no doubt continue to chip away at you until he has you so obligated to his happiness and his very LIFE that you have no choice but to come back. Note how he has now obligated you to keep this secret. He is dumping the responsibility for his life on your shoulders.

 

Instead of working to fix the problems in his life would rather hijack someone else's life by holding them squarly responsible for what he lacks the spine to fix himself. All of his problems are fixable. He just has to be willing to fix them. Right now, he'd rather play victim and martyr - and worse yet, make you responsible for that by playing the 'suicide card'.

 

But now I'm wondering if I should share it with somebody on a professional level. Perhaps a clergyman...don't know.

 

YES

 

There is no better way to deal with a passive aggressive threat than to take yourself out of the position he puts you in, and get him the help that he REALLY needs. Even if his suicide threats are empty ones - the very fact that he would do this suggests that he needs some serious help. The next time he threatens suicide call the authorities, report his actions, and give them background on his past threats. He'd surely get the help he needs.

 

Perhaps that is what will shake him up to work on the rest of his problems as well.

[lindya]

I pretty much agree with most of what's been said before on this thread. I think when someone is outlining a suicide plan, you should assume that they're serious. It's a myth that people who are going to do it just do it. Often there will be failed attempts in the past or a history of depression. Some people might talk about it because they're trying to let loved ones know that there is nothing that can be done. Nothing anyone can do to talk them out of it. An attempt to prevent those left behind from saying "If only she/he had talked to me".

 

It does sound, as LB says, as if this guy's telling you more in an emotional blackmailing sort of way - but whatever his motives are, the best way to respond is to assume that he means to carry out this plan and that relevant people should be informed of this. I don't actually know what the ethics of this are, but I wonder if you could write to his doctor (assuming you know who his doctor is) advising him/her about this disclosure.

 

It's a problem, but it's a problem that's separate from any relationship you've had with this guy. It sounds as if there are many things about his life that he isn't happy with right now, and it also sounds very much as if he is in need of some professional help.

[lynnered]

Still it is not her problem pass him off to W ,preacher ,police whoever ,

NOT HER PROBLEM!

[newbby]

no sorry, still dont neccessarily agree.

he may have asked her to keep it to herself bcause he thinks that some other people getting involved will only make the matters in his life worse and more unbearable than they already are. i think it is not a matter to opinionise on. nobody really knows the inner workings of a person or what drives them to suicide. THIS does not mean that she has to be responsible for him, but she does need to alert somebody. deciding on the best person is trickier.

maybe his family is the best option. or somebody impartial like the clergy...

[whichwayisup]

The best thing you can for you is to stay away from him and say goodbye. I hope he gets some professional help. HE needs it.

[Outcast]

I doubt anybody thinks she should continue a relationship with him but that does not mean she should ignore or dismiss his talk of suicide. It's a simple matter to contact a few people and tell them about it.

[Torn Up]

Ah, you got to love passive aggressive emotional blackmail. It really does the trick too. It accomplished exactly what he intended it to do:

 

I had to post a reply to this, LB, because your advice was equivalent to a slap in the face at a time I needed it...like a voice of reason in the midst of chaos. But I have had time to mull this over and find myself disgusted with it all. His "suicide" plan was well thought out, and his "settling of affairs" was given careful consideration...right down to the date of his, and I quote... "execution." But now that the panic (on my side) has lifted, I'm in a better place to sift through it all and reach a sound decision. In a nutshell, I feel this latest stunt was a manipulative attempt to play on my guilt....and by God, it worked for a short time. But this guy is somewhat impulsive - his emotions and plan of actions tend to jump all over the map and I'm tired of it and him. Sick of the drama, sick of his whining, sick of his "poor pitiful me" song and dance. So I have decided that the next time he elects to whip out the "suicide" card, I will inform him that I have no choice but to take his threat seriously and will be notifying the appropriate parties (including his wife) of his intentions in order that he receive the help he needs. If his threat is nothing more than a ploy to keep me as an emotional hostage, best believe he'll decide to scratch this "act" from his routine - pronto! On the flip side, if his threat is serious, if he is truly capable of carrying out his plan, then contacting the appropriate parties is the best step for me to take. I do care about this man...despite his many faults he does possess good qualities as well and I do not desire to see him harmed in any way. But the weight he placed on my shoulders is not mine to bear and is grossly unfair to me. I can not, WILL not allow it.

 

I want to thank everybody who responded to my post. I appreciate the advice offered to me. This is a VERY emotional time for me and I regret that I've placed myself in a situation that has brought me more misery than joy. I regret that this little "affair" has caused so many people pain, and I can assure you that it'll NEVER happen again.

 

I have a feeling I'll be hanging out on this board for awhile. It's going to take me quite some time to heal from this...although I don't know that I'll ever completely overcome it.

 

~Torn~