Lovely2222 Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 I’m 27 and he’s 28 and we’ve been going out for a little over a year. Recently he’s been distant and then broke up with me. It’s because he’s stressed over his parents divorce. Although they have been divorced for a few years now, his mom moved back in with his dad and since he lives with his dad, there has been constant tension in the house and his mom causes him to lose sleep. He said he isn’t in a place to strengthen our relationship and just wants to be alone. Said he is lost and doesn’t have energy for us if we fight or whatever. We don’t really fight just have little tiffs here and there. I know he still loves me. When we broke up I didn’t really put up a fight. I text him and he responds cordially, just not how he use to. I want to give him space but I also want to ask advice on what I should do. I really miss us and want to be there for him and save this relationship.
basil67 Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 I'm sorry Lovely, but I think the reason he gave you for breaking up isn't true. If he really wanted to be with you, he'd move out from his unfortunate living situation so that he'd be in a better frame of mind to be with you. You make the right decision to not argue against his decision to end things. Now it's time for you to move on as well. While you don't have to go no contact if you don't want, please do stop reaching out. 4
Author Lovely2222 Posted January 28, 2020 Author Posted January 28, 2020 2 minutes ago, basil67 said: I'm sorry Lovely, but I think the reason he gave you for breaking up isn't true. If he really wanted to be with you, he'd move out from his unfortunate living situation so that he'd be in a better frame of mind to be with you. You make the right decision to not argue against his decision to end things. Now it's time for you to move on as well. While you don't have to go no contact if you don't want, please do stop reaching out. Thanks for your response. Yeah I get how it may seem. He did brought that up. He said he’s stuck bc he did have plans on moving out, but then changed his mind bc he didn’t want to leave his dad and brother to deal with the mom.
basil67 Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 So he chose them over you. It's not good Lovely. 1
scooby-philly Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 People chose who and where to spend their time/energy on. It's not his job to save his family - assuming his brother is at least 14 if not way older since he's 28 - but unfortunately your ex has chosen to try to be the savior. I'm sorry for your pain but you can't fix this and you have to recognize you deserve better. I can relate to your suffering - my ex was a little younger than you (and yes, I'm 38) and she was stuck in a toxic family/home life and didn't have the experience or courage to live her own life so rather than try with me she dumped me - so remember, you are worth someone committing to you and building a life WITH YOU. You are worth it!!! We all are!
ExpatInItaly Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 I am also not convinced he's being totally honest about why he's ending it. No doubt Mom has brought stress back into the household, but to the point where he cannot have a relationship? I'm not so sure I would buy that. He may indeed be feeling the strain but if he can't cope with a relationship while his Mom is around, he is in no way ready for an adult relationship anyway. He might have other reasons for wanting to end it that he's reluctant to be honest about. You mentioned that he told you that he "doesn’t have energy for us if we fight." You describe them as tiffs, but how frequently was this happening, and about what? And when did he start to distance himself? The bottom line is that, unfortunately, he doesn't want you to be there for him, and you can't fight for a relationship when the other party has already stepped out of the ring. 1
scooby-philly Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 @ExpatInItaly - He may well be hiding something but I can tell you from personal experience, while it seems odd, people can end up choosing to play rescuer to someone else - like family - over a loving, decent relationship. While it doesn't make sense to you, it does to them and that's the point. And regardless of the reasoning, as we both agreed, the bottom line is he's not committing to her so it's time for her to move on.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 4 hours ago, scooby-philly said: @ExpatInItaly - He may well be hiding something but I can tell you from personal experience, while it seems odd, people can end up choosing to play rescuer to someone else - like family - over a loving, decent relationship. I know that from personal experience as well. I've been there. I'm simply not entirely convinced that's the the whole story in this case. 2
schlumpy Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 If you want him back the best course of action is to maintain No Contact and if he does start coming around make him earn the right to be with you again. It's the only way to maintain your dignity and self worth. Don't stay in limbo. Move on with your love life by dating others. Those are your best options. Your worst choices are to camp out in front of his door or stalk him which will do nothing to promote your emotional recovery. I suggest you print out his stupid reasons for breaking up and post them around your home where you can read them every day. That should help you. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 He could have chosen to stay with you as an outlet for his stress, a place to escape when things got bad at home. Instead, he cut you -- the seemingly good part of his life out. That doesn't bode well. You can't fight for this relationship. There is nothing to fight for. He made a decision. All you can do is respect that. If you chase him, you will drive him farther away. Live your life. Forget him. If by some chance he comes back if you are free & still interested you can determine at that time whether he's worth the risk that he won't flake & break your heart again. By then you should be over him enough not to care what he does. For now your only priority has to be your well being, which means not debasing yourself begging him for another chance. 1
2BGoodAgain Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 are you sure that's the reason he broke up? if anything, you want people close to you to be near you when you go thru something like being fraught by their parents divorce. it feels more like an excuse he made up so you wouldn't fight him on the "why".
notbroken Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 No. You should move on and find someone that can lead their own life. Your time is always better spent with someone new that can love you than someone who has shown they don't. You'd always doubt him in the back of your mind. I'm sorry, but it is over - and if it is not it should be. Good luck.
scooby-philly Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 Weighing in again. I agree with most posters. I don't think, but he could be, he's using this as an excuse. But the reason doesn't matter. If he is lying, he isn't worth it. If he isn't - mature, healthy, and emotionally available adults lean on friendships/relationships when life gets hard. So many people today don't know that's the true meaning of a real friendship or relationship. If he cuts and runs now - imagine what would happen when life got REALLY hard at some point. My most recent ex didn't want the stress of a relationship as her masters/doctoral program increased. But guess what, that's when you need someone the most. But she's from a cold, in-affectionate, and shame based family whom she still lives with and who do everything for her, and I made it too easy for her during the relationship and too easy for her to walk away. So... learn from this and be happy that you discovered this now rather than 6 months or 6 years down the road. If you're fully committing to something/someone you want that person to be able to fully commit to it as well and as I said previously, a lot of people who go through a dysfunctional childhood where they weren't allowed to express emotions and they where ashamed of their family and blamed themselves for the dysfunction, they end up having to choose - family or themselves and it sounds like this guy chose his family.
Author Lovely2222 Posted January 31, 2020 Author Posted January 31, 2020 Thank you all for your comments. Yesterday we talked and I told him how I felt. He reiterated the fact that he was not ready to be married not loved me anymore and wants to be alone. So I have no choice but to let him be and I will continue living my life. It will be hard considering all I’ve been through even before him. But I know I’ll eventually move on and find someone that wants to be with me 100%. 2
kendahke Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 You can't fight for someone who has to be dragged kicking and screaming back into what they've said they don't want to be in. Until he changes his mind of his own volition, you're going to have to accept that this is how things are going to be.
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