Toomuchloveornot Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 I've been dating someone for almost 6 months. After the first or second month, he started saying he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and marry. FYI, we are both in our 60's but he is close to 70 and I am not. He is a great guy and has many qualities I've been looking for including being similar to me in terms of finances, religion, interests, values and the like. It's taken a long time to find him since I was widowed over 8 years ago. He said he wants to be with me (marriage) because he's never felt so loved and been so in love. Also, we live a distance from each other and he is getting ready to retire and is lonely all week without me. Problem is that I want more time (and I realize all I need to do is set a boundary) but the issue is he can be controlling. For example, he will tell me what to do instead of asking. Example: He will tell me how to do something I already know how to do or "you should brush your teeth at least 2 minutes" and then buys me a timer and puts it next to my toothbrush. Also, he shows his affection a lot and some may say it's over the top. He met my sisters and they told me he should not be so overly affectionate with me. For example, if we are walking he may stop to kiss me and even if I'm sitting behind him in the car he will reach out behind him to hold my leg. Does any of this sound like red flags?
BaileyB Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) Considering that my partner just told me that he throws the excess tea leaves out in the garburator - not emptying them into the garbage like I do because in his opinion, it’s easier... I would say that it’s not always controlling. My partner is just set in his ways and he has a slightly over-inflated ego sometimes. I remind him that there is more than one way to do something and we move on... I would say, it has only been six months. The fact that he was professing love after just a month or two is a little worrisome... but some men, particularly older men, really NEED that partner (my father being one!). Give it more time and see where it goes. It’s nice that he is excited about your relationship but I wouldn’t be rushing to move in together. And if you do move in together, protect your assets and be sure you are legally protected. Best wishes. Edited January 28, 2020 by BaileyB
Miss Spider Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 I think if you have to ask if it’s a problem it probably is. If you feel like he is a bit controlling, you’re probably right. He does sound that way. Timer next to the toothbrush is pretty weird. But (and I have problems with this too) you have to set boundaries and draw the line yourself sometimes. Or he may not know. This may be his way of showing affection and concern ? 2
The Outlaw Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 Six months is too soon and you need to weigh your options and set boundaries before you make any decision.
Asayi Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 I don’t find him controlling or overly affectionate based on what you wrote. If he touches you in an inappropriate way or tried to control major areas of your life, then I would be concerned, but it doesn’t seem to be the case. As for the marriage subject, it depends on so many things... Six months isn’t unreasonable to talk about it in my opinion. Some people propose after few weeks or even days in some extreme cases! As long as you both share fundamental values and love each other, then I don’t see the issue in your circumstances. You’re both adults and you seem to have things figured out each on your own. What holds you back?
lana-banana Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) Do you have examples besides the toothbrush thing? By itself it could just be a quirk. If it extends to how you dress or what you do, then yeah, that's controlling. The biggest red flag to me is that peoole close to you have concerns. Our friends and family want to see us happy, and they won't speak up unless they are truly convinced. They also can almost always spot things we can't. Even if you have that one miserable person who's always a pessimist, don't ignore a chorus. If multiple people in your life think he's clingy and overly possessive they're probably right. Edited January 28, 2020 by lana-banana
smackie9 Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) No his affection is pretty normal because you are going through the honeymoon phase of your relationship. If you were in your 20's no one would ever bat an eye at it, but since you two are in your 60's it's almost taboo to show so much affection. As for him "telling you what to do" you better snip that in the bud fast. Every time he does it you stop, point it out, and tell him you don't like being talked to that way. Then correct it by telling how he should ask not tell. Work on that and see if there is any difference. My husband does that to me once in awhile and I just chew him out for it. As for getting married/living together.....don't do it. You can't possibly know someone in 6 months. If you get married, have a prenup to protect your assets. Take your time and THINK. Edited January 28, 2020 by smackie9 2
Daisydooks Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 14 hours ago, Toomuchloveornot said: I've been dating someone for almost 6 months. After the first or second month, he started saying he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and marry. FYI, we are both in our 60's but he is close to 70 and I am not. He is a great guy and has many qualities I've been looking for including being similar to me in terms of finances, religion, interests, values and the like. It's taken a long time to find him since I was widowed over 8 years ago. He said he wants to be with me (marriage) because he's never felt so loved and been so in love. Also, we live a distance from each other and he is getting ready to retire and is lonely all week without me. Problem is that I want more time (and I realize all I need to do is set a boundary) but the issue is he can be controlling. For example, he will tell me what to do instead of asking. Example: He will tell me how to do something I already know how to do or "you should brush your teeth at least 2 minutes" and then buys me a timer and puts it next to my toothbrush. Also, he shows his affection a lot and some may say it's over the top. He met my sisters and they told me he should not be so overly affectionate with me. For example, if we are walking he may stop to kiss me and even if I'm sitting behind him in the car he will reach out behind him to hold my leg. Does any of this sound like red flags? The way he shows affection is probably a facet of his love language. He greets you with physical affection because he himself needs it. Understanding your different love languages is huge and you may differ there. It doesnt mean things are doomed, but definitely needs more understanding on your part and his. It just means you may be different in what you require and what he requires I would be so annoyed by the father role he seems to want to take on. That needs nipped in the bud. Yesterday. Does he seriously not think you know how to brush your teeth for 2 minutes when you're 60+? Clearly you have made it this far in life, doing basic daily tasks, and more, without his help, I assume with teeth intact. Remind him of that. You do not need to be told how to manage basic daily tasks. In fact, you have done them all by yourself for your entire life. In this case, I would have thrown the timer out in front of him and said sternly, "I have made it to 60 without a timer and a reminder from my mate as to how to do the most mundane, basic, daily tasks like brushing my teeth and your behaviour is utterly offensive. I appreciate you want to help, but it is annoying and frankly offensive you feel the need to play the role of my father. While we are at it, I also know how to zip up my own coat, put my own mittens on and tie my own shoe laces perfectly fine without help. Please have more respect for me. I am your equal and your partner, not your child. Stop treating me like one, before I find being single much more appealing." This behaviour is much more alarming to me than touching your leg. My fiance and I aren't overly affectionate outside the confines of our home. No kissing or hanging off one another in public. We hold hands sometimes, but most times we dont. Little gentle touches here and there are where we are comfy in public. With that said, if we are driving and have friends in the car, I wouldn't feel any way about him squeezing my thigh or holding my hand, or brushing my hair off my face. It would be normal for us so I personally dont find it over the top. You might not be used to public displays of affection and it is ok to say something if it makes you uncomfortable. One thing we dont do in public is kiss or hang off each other and both find it rather icky. A quick little thigh squeeze wouldnt make me feel a way though. Neither of us grew up in home where our parents did this either. We both come from homes with loving and united parents who remained married, who showed affection, but did so softly. My mom became a widow at 65, so I definitely see her dating in the future and I can only hope she does I just hope she finds someone who adores her and respects her the way she deserves. She has said she will never get married again, and never live with anyone again, but love does funny things to us! Haha I just want her happy, comfy and safe and not with someone who stresses her out and demeans her. I say talk to him openly, even if it is hard to do for you. You will be so glad you did. Maybe he feels he is being helpful and since you havent said anything, he doesnt see an issue. Make it well known you need a partner and not a father and it is sincerely turning you off.
Daisydooks Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 Also, you can spend forever together. It doesn't mean you have to cohabitate soon or at all. I wouldn't move in with anyone unless I'd known them YEARS. Months into dating, there is no way in hell I would consider this. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 I don't think the talk of marriage is a red flag. From what I've heard and read about men, they generally know pretty fast if they're in love and see long-term potential. As for nitpicking you on your grooming habits, etc., I'd tell him you appreciate his concern, but want to manage your own routines and give him the timer back or just put it out of your space. As for the affection, it's really none of your sisters' business how you express affection to each other, as long as you're comfortable with it. If you need more time and space, just communicate that.
scooby-philly Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 I'm only 38 so I can't comment from an age perspective as I don't have any close family that age that's married except my parents and they have always been incompatible as a couple. That said, I think there's 3 separate questions here: 1. The level of his PDAs 2. His talk of marriage so early 3. His "controlling" nature. Was he married before? How along ago was he with someone. If he's a high touch love language and has either been single WAY TOO long or just recently after 20+ years of marriage (or more) he may just be lonely and would explain #1 and #2. It's your determination as to what you need and accept and what you can give him regarding #1. That is an easy conversation. For #2 - that's a little disconcerting. I would really dig into his past to figure out where that is coming from. Even at that age people can be unhappy with themselves and try to fill in the gaps in their souls with other people. But you need to find out more to understand where he's coming from. He could simply know exactly what he wants - but I'd still tread carefully. #3 - That's a personality trait that at that age, he will never change. If it's limited to a few things and you can grin and bear it because you like/love him than hey - no one's perfect. If he's like that in too many aspects or you can't simply grin and bear it and you try to address it and it doesn't work you may have a barrier to a relationship here. Try seeing him in as many different contexts as possible to gauge if he's like that in just a few areas or overall. Do not get married, do not move in together till you sort these 3 things out in detail!!!
Author Toomuchloveornot Posted January 28, 2020 Author Posted January 28, 2020 Other examples: He will tell me if he doesn't like an article of clothing even if I don't ask; he has told me I should put my cat to sleep since the cat is old and has been clawing me a lot (which is true and it's pretty bad) and he has offered to go to the vet and take care of it for me; and also told me to go to the dermatologist for the scratch marks and some other spots he sees (he is a dentist).
Ruby Slippers Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 3 minutes ago, Toomuchloveornot said: Other examples: He will tell me if he doesn't like an article of clothing even if I don't ask; he has told me I should put my cat to sleep since the cat is old and has been clawing me a lot (which is true and it's pretty bad) and he has offered to go to the vet and take care of it for me; and also told me to go to the dermatologist for the scratch marks and some other spots he sees (he is a dentist). On all those issues, I'd say, "Thanks for your opinion," then continue to use my own judgment about what to do. If it really bothers you, I'd tell him I appreciate the thought, but please refrain from telling me what to do and trust my judgment. He sounds a bit overbearing, but I think that in his mind, he's "trying to help." Just let him know it's appreciated but not helpful. 3
scooby-philly Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 OP, With that additional info it sounds like he's pretty set in his ways. I'm all for candid conversations in a relationship - but if he's close to 70 and used to just speaking his mind like that (and often probably based on some 50/60 year old standard or taste he's never questioned) and you're not comfortable with it - then it may be worth looking at what you're getting from this new relationship. You family is allowed to offer their opinion on things. And sometimes they can be coming from a place of what they like or prefer or based on how they think they know you. At your age though, unless you've been hiding a lot of your personality and they're being kind about it - it's worth noting their opinion and taking them into your evaluation of the guy/situation.
lana-banana Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 25 minutes ago, Toomuchloveornot said: Other examples: He will tell me if he doesn't like an article of clothing even if I don't ask; he has told me I should put my cat to sleep since the cat is old and has been clawing me a lot (which is true and it's pretty bad) and he has offered to go to the vet and take care of it for me; and also told me to go to the dermatologist for the scratch marks and some other spots he sees (he is a dentist). Telling you he doesn't like your clothes? Asking you to see a dermatologist? Offering to put your cat to sleep??? Yeah, this is over the line. If he can't respect your opinion and autonomy then he can find a doll to dress up and order around. 1
Els Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 16 hours ago, Toomuchloveornot said: After the first or second month, he started saying he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and marry. Kind of red flag IMO. 16 hours ago, Toomuchloveornot said: Problem is that I want more time (and I realize all I need to do is set a boundary) but the issue is he can be controlling. For example, he will tell me what to do instead of asking. Example: He will tell me how to do something I already know how to do or "you should brush your teeth at least 2 minutes" and then buys me a timer and puts it next to my toothbrush. Yeah, this is also bizarre. 16 hours ago, Toomuchloveornot said: Also, he shows his affection a lot and some may say it's over the top. He met my sisters and they told me he should not be so overly affectionate with me. For example, if we are walking he may stop to kiss me and even if I'm sitting behind him in the car he will reach out behind him to hold my leg. This would not be a problem at all for me, but if you've told him you're uncomfortable with it and he still does it, total red flag. 1
smackie9 Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 OK you got me at "he will put my cat down" kick him to the curb! 1
Gaeta Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) 17 hours ago, Toomuchloveornot said: Some people will never understand the difference between love and infatuation. It's his case. You make him feel all tingling inside so he concluded he 'loves' you, but you and I know that 'love' is much more than just those butterflies. Real love is found after the butterflies have calm down, that's why it's important to date for 1 + year, ideally 2 years before making a life time commitment to someone. Lonely all week without you sounds needy. Often needy people also will express feelings very early in the relationship, it's caused by their emotional dependency. They want to 'secure' you in a relationship asap to fill that void. Him being a dentist it makes sense he's being a pain in the neck about your teeth. I work in finance and I can be a pain in the neck to my boyfriend when I see him put money on his credit card even though he has 0 as a balance. My boyfriend pretty much smiles and do as he wishes......so should you. Bf is in his 50s and he is very affectionate, he's the type to kiss me in public, holds my while he drives, he even carries my purse when we shop!! This is who he is. The only red flag I see with your guy is him wanting to rush the dating steps. Just don't do it. Give yourself a full year before talking 'moving in' together. Edited January 28, 2020 by Gaeta 1
elaine567 Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 1 minute ago, smackie9 said: OK you got me at "he will put my cat down" kick him to the curb! Same here. Partners are not in any position to suggest that anyone puts down their beloved pet. 1
Gaeta Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 1 hour ago, Toomuchloveornot said: Other examples: He will tell me if he doesn't like an article of clothing even if I don't ask; he has told me I should put my cat to sleep since the cat is old and has been clawing me a lot (which is true and it's pretty bad) and he has offered to go to the vet and take care of it for me; and also told me to go to the dermatologist for the scratch marks and some other spots he sees (he is a dentist). So he's blunt, can you live with that side of him? Remember it's only been 6 months, he's supposed to be at his best behavior. This side of him may get more imposing with time. If you are a type of woman capable of holding her ground maybe, you know yourself.
Gaeta Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: Partners are not in any position to suggest that anyone puts down their beloved pet. Depends. If it's suggested with love and compassion. If the animal is old and sick, if he suffers but I am too emotionally involved to make the right decision, I think it would be acceptable if a partner suggested it's time to consider... I don't think it was done in that perspective with OP though.
smackie9 Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 If your kitty is acting out, take kitty to the vet for further consolation. It might be as simple as changing it's food or litter or something in the house is stressing it out. maybe it doesn't like your BF.
d0nnivain Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 He's opinionated that is for sure. If you are OK with it, fine. If it's bothering you it won't get any better.
Redhead14 Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 It's not so important that he tells you to brush your teeth for 2 minutes and sets a timer. What's important is how he responds to you when you tell him you appreciate his concern and thank hm, but you don't need to be told how to brush your teeth and that you wish he wouldn't do that anymore . . . 3
Lotsgoingon Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 Commenting on a woman's outfit without being asked, what rock has he been hiding under for the past 50 years? Telling you to go to the dermatologist to improve your skin ... what kind of cave beneath the big rock has he been hibernating in? Absolutely he's controlling (and controlling doesn't have to be malicious to be thoroughly annoying and disrepectful). And every time he offers an unwanted suggestion, he's treating you like you're an idiot. He's actually not seeing you ... at this point, he really should be studying you and figuring out how you think and how you approach the world. He's jumped past that ... and is on some preprogrammed formula. You are a woman. Therefore I get to tell you all the ways I know how you should act in the world. I'm for dumping a guy like this ... Yes, I'm an extremist on boundary crossers (people repeatedly offering unsolicited intrusive advice) because I put up with too many such people throughout my life and my tolerance these days is at zero. (And if I didn't set a hard boundary early, NONE of these people ever adjusted. None!) But ... in defense of my position (that you should promptly dump him) consider this. A sharp guy would have noticed your flat reactions already, right? Would have noticed your silences ... and noncommital responses after his suggestions. Would have noticed your lack of enthusiasm for his "brilliance." You wouldn't even have to be all that sharp to notice this. His blindness to your cues and reactions ... tells me that he lacks a certain social skill and depending on what you want ... won't be able to read when you're in distress ... when you're uncomfortable ... when you're unhappy ... and God knows ... he won't be able to constructively react if you are in a difficult period. Here's a middle ground if you think I'm an extremist which I am ... Pick up a moment and to tell him you want NO MORE suggestions. Spell them all out. You don't sugarcoat this at all--you want to mention every annoying instance. Otherwise, he sounds like the kind of person who if you only mentioned say two of his annoying moments, he won't reflect and figure out that all those other moments fit in the same category as controlling. You can speak in a calm voice ... with a relaxed facial expression. But you got to show him where the boundary is that he is crossing. Might as well do that now, because if you don't you're going to end up resenting and hating him anyway.
Recommended Posts