LWinter Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 Hi guys I think I have a problem that barely anyone will be able to understand since I myself know that it doesn't make sense yet I know you'll bear with me here and can maybe help me sort this through. I recently had sex for the first time but it wasn't with the girl that I love but with someone else, some girl I'm not even paticularly close with. I'm still surprised it happened because I had no intention of letting it happen but I did. I guess alcohol, depression and loneliness don't mix well. I guess I sound quite calm but I don't feel that way. I feel terrible. I feel like I cheated on my ex girlfriend. It doesn't make sense bc you can't cheat on someone that you're not in a relationship with. But I still love her and that's why to me it feels like cheating. I already f***ed up everything between us and now I can add this to the list. I don't know what to do. This is exactly why I broke up with my ex in the first place because I'm depressed and destructive and do stupid s*** and I didn't want her to suffer because of that. Yea I know I'm single and can technically do what I want but it doesn't feel that way to me. I feel like s*** because of what I did.
mark clemson Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 You sound young. I would file this under "moved on to a new girl before you were really emotionally ready". Aka a "rebound". Our limbic system (emotional centers in the brain) tends to go on a much slower timeline than we'd like it to. In the future, you'll realize that sometimes you need to process the end of the old relationship for a while until you feel truly ready for a new one. If you don't do that (and you're the emotional type) the new relationship often doesn't feel "right". For now, "what's done is done". No need to beat yourself up too much over a mistake that, as you were single, is really only affecting you. Love, dating, and romance take a bit of getting used to. 3 1
major_merrick Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 Yep. Rebound. You went in for sex without feelings while still having feelings for your ex. You didn't cheat. Just relax, and do it again until the pain stops. 1
Daisydooks Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 Dont be so hard on yourself. I'm more concerned with the comment that you ended things to save her from your poor choices. Can you expand on that? Do you feel you have an understanding of why you're doing that? What examples of this behaviour can you share? Let's try to help ya It's over with the ex. Thats ok. You had sex with someone new. That's also ok. What's not ok is knowing you sabotage things and make poor choices and not trying to figure out why. 1 1
Author LWinter Posted January 28, 2020 Author Posted January 28, 2020 i don't know how i can ever move on from her when i still love her the same. is that childish and pathetic? i guess it is. when i broke up with my ex i probably was very depressed. i didn't realise back then that that's what it probably was. that and ptsd. i had just gone through something very traumatic and i thought i could handle it but evidently i didn't. looking back i see all the signs but back then it was just chaos in my mind and thinking that i was hurting her and that i was holding her back. i was scared of making the same mistakes my parents did and destroying her life. my father was emotionally abusive and sometimes physically aswell. my mother was an alcohol with borderline personality disorder. i know what it's like being with emotionally unstable people who can't control their emotions. i know what it feels like to constantly be afraid that they might end up hurting themselves. i couldn't let that happen to her. and my self esteem was non existent and i was convinced i didn't deserve someone like her anyway. that's why i pushed her away.
mark clemson Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 Is therapy helping with your family of origin issues? If you're not in the mood to "move on" then this might be a good time to get yourself help for your psychological state (resulting from family issues) before you move on romantically. No point in starting new relationships if you're not really ready if "casual" isn't an enjoyable thing for you (at the moment).
2BGoodAgain Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 believe it or not, .... when a person feels they're not good enough for someone else and ends it.... they want that other person to convince them that they're really good, and it isn't so bad, etc etc etc.. blah blah blah. you might find this hard to believe, but as much as you may have convinced yourself and others that you're not good, and that's why... in reality, you think you're better... you need an audience to tell you that you aren't that bad, that you're better than good... i could be wrong... i'd highly recommend you get therapy so you can unpack this complex character flaw within you. you might be surprised by what you find out, and it may lead you to a better, happier life. right now, you're not good for anyone... not b/c you aren't good, but b/c you are messed up inside... in your perception and need for affirmation that is beyond normal. go help yourself by figuring out why you do what you do. it'll help alot. for you and also by not messing up anyone you're with. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 Definitely a lot of confused convoluted thinking going on. Example: when i broke up with my ex i probably was very depressed. i didn't realise back then that that's what it probably was. that and ptsd. i had just gone through something very traumatic and i thought i could handle it but evidently i didn't. looking back i see all the signs but back then it was just chaos in my mind and thinking that i was hurting her and that i was holding her back. What's up with the "probably depressed." Own it or don't own it. "I was probably depressed" makes no sense. Are you hedging because you're embarrassed to say you were depressed? Why didn't you go to therapy when you were depressed? And go to your GP? And then after saying you didn't realize you were depressed and in ptsd ... you say you had gone through something traumatic ... OK, something traumatic ... = need to go to therapy and or get on medication. Period! What you're saying is "I had a major heart attack, but I didn't think I needed to go to the doctor." Before you can love someone and love yourself, you need to get more clear on all of this. Once you do ... you'll be able to decide who you love and who you don't. I highly recommend therapy to help you unpack a lot of confusing feelings.
JTSW Posted February 5, 2020 Posted February 5, 2020 Hi, firstly no it's not cheating. Secondly, what exactly did you do to mess everything up with her? It honestly sounds like you shouldn't be in any relationship at all while you have so many personal issues. Have you gotten any help with your depression etc? What has caused it?
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