What Kind of Role Should I Be Playing Here?

[YourFavouriteWeapon]

Okay, I am in a situation where I really don't know what I should do and I know I can only get the proper advice and expertise here, so here I am. Promise I will try to keep this short:

I am 29 years old and work at a middle school as a teacher assistant and assist different classrooms. The focus here is on a teacher in one of those classrooms who I''ll refer to as Jenna. Jenna is also 29 years and was in a 7 year relationship which recently ended due to being given an ultimatum of choosing between boyfriend or parents. Jenna had asked for my expertise at work when she was given this ultimatum and I had given her my honest input, which is irrelevant. However, over the weekend after the breakup occurred, she messages me on Facebook telling me things had ended; she was obviously distressed and drinking, which is understandable. Being that I went through an ending of a 4-year relationship, I wanted to help her cope and continued talking that her that night. I gave her my number to end the conversation since it was late at night. The following morning, she texts me in distress but we didn't text long. Later at night, we talk more and she asks if she can call me, which I said yes to. We end up talking for 3+ hours and most of the conversation involving us just talking about normal stuff, getting to know each other more. The same thing happens again the next night and the whole week, we end up texting quite frequently. 

I realize how manipulative her previous partner was and how poorly she was treated, however I can tell that this is what she was used to and never really realized how poorly her ex was to her and how undervalued she was. She has low self-esteem which she had told me and I was surprised because she is very good at her career, beautiful and dresses very well, social, and has a fun personality. It makes sense to me as many of her responses seemed to indicate and show her low self-esteem. But I've been there before, low self-esteem and confidence. Now I am very confident and comfortable with who I am, I see my worth. Now, the next day it hits me that I have feelings for her as I notice how nervous I begin to get around her and just feel attracted to her naturally, I could feel the chemistry. And none of this was the plan, I didn't plan to develop feelings for her at all. I figured she could tell there was more between us than just friendship and that I was crushing on her. As we text, I tell her I am crushing on her because it seemed obvious but she had no clue. I find out the feeling is mutual and that she also feels chemistry between us when we are with each other. But she also just got out of a 7 year relationship and needs time to heal so we agree that the chemistry between us isn't going anywhere. I told her don't force the healing process at all and that we are always friends regardless. I'm not putting my eggs all in this one basket, but I would really like to end up in a relationship with her.  

Which leads me to my question: Now I'm not banking on this because it could be a while before she heals and if I don't want to waste time on something that isn't for happening for sure. While I may be looking into too much, I don't know how I should act and talk with her since I don't want to worsen my chances with her when she does heal.  I could be thinking too much, but this is a situation that I have never been in before. If I've left anything out or need to clarify, please let me know. I could use any insight in this as I am quite lost. 

[Foxhall]

1 hour ago, YourFavouriteWeapon said:

She has low self-esteem which she had told me and I was surprised because she is very good at her career, beautiful and dresses very well, social, and has a fun personality.

nice catch potentially for you here,

the low self esteem even is a positive in my book because it creates vulnerability which makes it easier to connect,

keep in contact casually over the next few weeks, a walk and a coffee perhaps each week,continuing to bond

let it come together naturally, 

Personally Id focus on winning this woman over, id put on hold looking for other women and I would actually put my eggs in this basket,

you will probably sense when she is ready to take it further, you never know could happen sooner too with valentines day on horizon

 

 

 

[Interstellar]

Do women need time to heal if Ryan Gosling asked them out?
I’d continue dating other women.

[Lotsgoingon]

Waiting rarely works ... when it works, it's completely accidental ... so happens you meet someone and you feel chemistry but both of you are dating others ... both of you later break up and end up together ... that can work ... but planned waiting almost never works.

For one, it's not guaranteed that she will "heal." ... Two, you point out that she has serious self-esteem issues? Nothing to suggest she'll instantly heal from low esteem. That requires serious, serious work.

But I feel for you ... I once fell in love with someone when I became their confidante and emotional caretaker ... totally snuck up on me ... and hurt like all when it was clear she had no

such feelings for me. You want to avoid the rookie mistake I made and many others make. Caretaking ... being cared for emotionally by another--who might help us heal---does NOT lead to romance. 

Attraction leads to romance. Being emotionally cared for leads to a thank you--sometimes!

I would pull back from some of the caretaking. This woman sounds needy and with bad boundaries--like you'll take up hours of your time and won't necessarily be any further along because of it.  And the more you make room for her and sacrifice to listen to her through her pain, the more attached you'll become, the stronger your crush will become.

 

 

[Redhead14]

First of all, you are not her therapist so don't try to develop a relationship with her based on what your psychological evaluation of her is.  Two people who have become bonded in the way you two have, usually, develop feelings for each other and it's called trauma bonding.  Drawn close/closer by sharing difficulties or being "there" for each other.  This is rarely an ideal situation for basing a real romantic relationship.  You're taking on a nurturing role and that rarely changes as things develop. Get out of her head and stay in yours.  Don't let this drain you.

If she is going to "heal", she needs to do that on her own.  If you're doing the caretaking, she won't draw from her inner ability to take care of herself.  Her core seems to be in tact as as you say she has a good career, is well-dressed, is social, etc.  She is not as damaged as your evaluation suggests.  It's true that people do hide behind masks sometimes, but for you to really know what's going on, you'd need to be spending some significant time with her.  And, if she is "hiding behind a mask" and doing so well outwardly while having serious "issues" with esteem, you may not want to know what's behind it all.  For now, on the surface, it appears that she does 'care' for herself. 

Right now, you are just her friend and you should keep it that way if you really care for her and want to see her come into her own more.  Sit back a little with this one.  Calling you when she's drunk and lamenting her issues about her history and her ex, etc., sounds more like manipulation rather than developing feelings for you.  "Oh poor me.  Please take care of me".  Let her get over her ex.  7 years is a long time and the grief will take a long time to process.  If anything, she is using you as her emotional tampon to deal with her ex issues, etc.  and will drop you when/if someone else comes along.

 

 

 

Edited January 28, 2020 by Redhead14

[Lotsgoingon]

Redhead is right here ... and I'll add ... You should NOT assume she is fully done with her ex. People with bad boundaries and bad esteem ... have a hard time separating cleanly and maturely and working through grief in a healthy way. 

All her ex has to do is put in a phone call ... put on somewhat of a nice voice ... and trust me: you'll be getting a call from her describing her night out and reunion with the ex (even if it's not a full reunion.) Likely there is a lot more drama to come. 

Do not assume things are over with her ex. 

[scooby-philly]

I agree with previous posters...

You can play her friend and help her heal or you can try to date her. You really can't be both. 

Furthermore, as someone else pointed out, you don't instantly recover from low self-esteem. So...that will be potentially a downfall for your relationship if you chose to pursue her that way. 

Additionally, while it's not easy to separate your feelings - can you ascertain if you are attracted to her simply because she's the first person to lean on you like this?

If you want to pursue her romantically, yes, dial back on the "girlfriend" support for her emotionally and see how she responds and what happens.

[smackie9]

OK before you dial back or whatever, it would be best to explain why to her, before she assumes the worse.

[alphamale]

On 1/27/2020 at 7:03 PM, Interstellar said:

Do women need time to heal if Ryan Gosling asked them out?
I’d continue dating other women.

excellent analysis interstellar