d0nnivain Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 He may just be curt & impolite. I'm a bad texter but I always say thank you. I couldn't be with somebody who is unappreciative. 1
fishlips Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 He doesn't seem to be showing much interest. You can't get to know someone if you just see them every once in awhile. Sorry if you already answered the question, but is this long distance? If not, then I would find someone else who is more available emotionally. If this is long distance, then the not seeing each other thing is more understandable. 1
Author TaintedLuv Posted January 27, 2020 Author Posted January 27, 2020 30 minutes ago, fishlips said: He doesn't seem to be showing much interest. You can't get to know someone if you just see them every once in awhile. Sorry if you already answered the question, but is this long distance? If not, then I would find someone else who is more available emotionally. If this is long distance, then the not seeing each other thing is more understandable. We’re about 25 minutes apart. I live in the city and he’s in the suburbs. I know that’s also a concern for him but I wouldn’t be in the city long term anyway.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said: Ime if they want to find time they will. I was dating an MD who was also a nationally touring musician who also had a daughter and I never waited around for a text or date. I think that’s often used as a excuse from people who just want to keep you on their line. Whenever I ignore texts and come back I say it’s because I was crazy busy, but the truth is I could have found time to text back. You know you’ve done it too This. I've had relationships mostly with men who have demanding careers and plenty of responsibilities. The ones who are really interested have always found time to spend with me and keep in touch. If you have to wonder "is he into me?", most likely he's not. 2 1
OpenBook Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 5 hours ago, TaintedLuv said: He didn’t ask me ahead of time. He asked me that same afternoon. I would’ve said no but why stay home purely based on principle instead of seeing someone I like? Because you have to train him! Don't tell him what to do. But you have to be crystal-clear where YOU draw the line. Otherwise he will take you for granted and assume you are willing to always be available for him. And I don't like the way he shuts down the communication when you try to bring the subject up. Clearly he is not into verbal communication. You have to show him by ACTION, not words or conversations, what you are willing to tolerate. When he asks at the last minute, turn him down! Say you're busy and can't! And leave it there. He'll get the message. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 I don't believe in "busy." I really don't. I dated a woman with grown kids who yes was always "busy." If you have to ask if someone is "disinterested," then move on. This person isn't for you. The foundation of a relationship is feeling connected and appreciated and people at startups working 20 hours a day will still manage to make clear to a romantic interest that they are thinking of them. If he can't make you feel appreciated and thought about ... and prioritized ... move on. 1 2
I'veseenbetterlol Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 6 hours ago, TaintedLuv said: I’m not looking for a constant chain of communication but I really can’t read him in terms of his interest. You don't need any signs really. There is a gut feeling w/this type of thing. Every time I sensed disinterest, the guy was disinterested. I struggled picking up on it cause ultimately I didn't want to know the truth. If you feel disinterest on his part, he isn't interested, doesn't matter what he says. Actions speak louder then words. He can tell you how much he likes you, but if barely texts then he isn't. 3
preraph Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 Those touring musicians have all kinds of time on their hands when they're traveling though.
Daisydooks Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, TaintedLuv said: I just wish he was a bit warmer when we’re communicating and that’s why I feel like I can’t read him. What is he like in person? When I met my fiance, I met him online. We lived an hour apart so we had weekends to be together. Usually Saturday day, night and Sunday day were spent together. I was busy and didnt have time to go out all the time to look for someone but wanted to settle down. I was a manager for a large company and working overtime most of the time, but also started my own business 6 years ago this year!! (Now working full time from home.) My fiance was working 50 hours a week and commuting, and was also busy 2-3 hours before bed because he was in school as well. We also both had cats to feed, so going anywhere immediately after work was inhumane to them. We needed to make sure home was ok before venturing out on dates. Haha. He is no longer in school and isnt spending 3 hours a day commuting to work. Needless to say, we both had things to keep us busy. I think because of our distance, it was important to communicate daily. Had we loved closer, we may have been able to see one another maybe one extra night a week. Probably not on most weeknights. There werent enough hours in the day. Every morning he messaged to say good morning. Like, every single morning for 5 years when we didnt live together and every single night. Never missed a single day. He always messaged in the day to see how my day was going and still does on days I'm working outside the home. Heck, when I'm in the basement working and hes upstairs working, he will still text me! Hahahaha My ex was the opposite. He would put his phone down somewhere in the house for 3 hours before considering looking at it to check for a message or send one. He just wasnt that type and rarely cared to sit on his phone even if he wasnt busy. There were many reasons we werent together. Communication was a huge reason. There were a lot of "symptoms" that were toxic, but it came down to not taking the time, not communicating, mixed with addiction on his part and cheating in year 12. We didnt grow together and ultimately made choices that ended us. With this said, my fiance and I do not like to sit on the phone and hear one another breathe, so conversations on the phone are usually to make arrangements quickly, not to discuss anything of substance like I would with my girlfriends who now live further away. I can blab with them for hours! Hahahaha What is he like though? Obviously you see something in him when you're together. What is attractive about him? Tell us what you do see outside of someone who doesnt really text much. That alone isnt a deal breaker but lack of communication and shutting you down isnt healthy either. I just dont want to say "run" if there is a reason to stay Edited January 28, 2020 by Daisydooks 1
Author TaintedLuv Posted January 28, 2020 Author Posted January 28, 2020 1 hour ago, Daisydooks said: What is he like though? Obviously you see something in him when you're together. What is attractive about him? Tell us what you do see outside of someone who doesnt really text much. That alone isnt a deal breaker but lack of communication and shutting you down isnt healthy either. I just dont want to say "run" if there is a reason to stay He’s warmer in person. He’s intelligent, well spoken, mild tempered, devilishly handsome. We have different interests but enough common ground to hold conversations. He’s a bit reserved which leads me to question if it’s just his personality or he’s not into me. He never ignores me exactly but never says hello, good morning or goodnight etc. Just sends a random text once a day and sometimes doesn’t respond for 12-24 hours or disappears during our limited exchanges. Never calls. I’m not sure why I’m still drawn since on the surface he’s not showing me much interest but maybe this is all he has to give right now.
Daisydooks Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 45 minutes ago, TaintedLuv said: He’s warmer in person. He’s intelligent, well spoken, mild tempered, devilishly handsome. We have different interests but enough common ground to hold conversations. He’s a bit reserved which leads me to question if it’s just his personality or he’s not into me. He never ignores me exactly but never says hello, good morning or goodnight etc. Just sends a random text once a day and sometimes doesn’t respond for 12-24 hours or disappears during our limited exchanges. Never calls. I’m not sure why I’m still drawn since on the surface he’s not showing me much interest but maybe this is all he has to give right Do you guys go out anywhere or do you guys spend time at home? Just wondering if he is into this only for sex.
Author TaintedLuv Posted January 28, 2020 Author Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) 24 minutes ago, Daisydooks said: Do you guys go out anywhere or do you guys spend time at home? Just wondering if he is into this only for sex. We always go out first. We dated briefly (like two weeks) about a year ago and it was a bit of the same but we discussed it and I blatantly asked what he wanted before we saw each other this time around because I don’t want anything casual and he said he was going through some things and was stressed so it fizzled and he wasn’t giving me what I needed anyway. He simply said he wanted to make sure we’re compatible since I’m a “city” girl and after the first night he said he thinks we are and wants to “make a go of this”. We were even supposed to go on a double date this weekend but timing didn’t work out. This is why I’m confused with this one opposed to the more cut and dry situations I’ve had. Or maybe I’m just in denial... Edited January 28, 2020 by TaintedLuv
Ruby Slippers Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 You feel like he's breadcrumbing you because he is - throwing just enough little crumbs on the trail to keep getting something from you with minimal effort. I think this behavior demoralizes a woman and decreases her glow. I think you deserve better. 4
elaine567 Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 6 hours ago, TaintedLuv said: ... devilishly handsome This is why you put up with him. He is a "catch". Only he isn't, not at all. 5 hours ago, Daisydooks said: Just wondering if he is into this only for sex. I would guess it is. He puts in the bare minimum to get that. 5 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: I think this behavior demoralizes a woman and decreases her glow. Exactly. Everyone likes to be wanted, feeling unwanted takes the gloss off of everything. 2 1
Blind-Sided Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 I've read through this thread, and I'm with Elaine on this one. OK, I'm a busy "Professional" who travels, and is single with 2 kids. My custody order is 50%, but my 13 yo doesn't like the underhanded stuff her mother pulled, and so I'm really about 80% with her. I also have personal interests and hobbies. AND... even with all that... I still find time to send a txt, Snapchat, or a call to my friends. (heck, I've got lunch scheduled with a friend today) They know that I may be with a kid... or may be sitting in a meeting, or on a plane somewhere... and I generally won't respond right away... but I will respond when I get a chance. I understand that some people are more reserved, or say they aren't into "Tech"... but honestly, anyone who uses that as an excuse is just selfish. I'm not saying this guy isn't into you, but as above... he's putting in the minimum about of effort to "Have a GF". At this point, if you want it to continue, the two of you need to sit down and have a talk on the expectations of communication. I'm sure he doesn't want to be bombarded with messages... but he should have enough "Desire" in the relationship to want to return a message in a reasonable amount of time. Finally... It doesn't sound like you have been dating all that long... and he shouldn't expect you to just be with him on a Sat night after not talking all week. That's an expectation for an established relationship. So, to answer the question of "Is he just not into me"... I don't think that's the case. But, his self interest, and lack of interest in others is probably why he was single. 1
beentheredonethat77 Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) 18 hours ago, TaintedLuv said: I wouldn’t mind but now I’m a bit apprehensive to bring up anything. I tried to open it up over dinner so there would be no miscommunication and he was like “I said what I said” and shut it down. If he’s on the road often then I agree, why not call for a few minutes and catch up and make plans for the week/weekend? He mentioned to me that most women he’s dated felt that he was “indifferent” so perhaps that was his way of setting my expectations low but I do agree with them! In the past, it’s been crystal clear if a man is interested in me. I just don’t want to jump to conclusions before I let it go. I have never bought the too busy excuse. I know many CEOs, with families and kids, sick parents, and positions on boards and they STILL have time to message their wives and other loved ones. Its BS --- He has time to sit on the toilet, grab his phone and write "cannot wait to see you Saturday... you have no idea how much ive been thinking about you" ---or right before he goes to bed / wakes up .. whenever. He told you he has a pattern of appearing indifferent as a fact and an observed pattern by his exes.. hes no fool, he knows this isn't desirable in a relationship. He didn't state it as an issue he wants to resolve. This tells me he's letting you now 'this is how i am.. take it or leave it'. If he is really super busy, fine, then at least he could have listened to you without shutting you down and assure you that he'll try to make an effort. I think his reaction to you when you shared your issue says more than the issue itself. I'd go quiet for a month and be super busy yourself.. see if he misses you. If he doesn't step up, then time for you to be 'indifferent'. Edited January 28, 2020 by beentheredonethat77 3
Zippy2000 Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 18 hours ago, d0nnivain said: He's busy not disinterested You have expectations that you can develop a relationship over text. Divest yourself of that notion immediate. Still you get a text per day. That is a lot for a busy person. You are being unreasonable expecting some long drawn out conversation via text. You want attention from him in a way he doesn't have time to give you. That said, you are right about the Saturday plans thing. I always functioned like this. In the beginning, you do not have a date unless you made plans in advance. At some point the default switches to you have standing plans for the weekend unless told otherwise in advance. Re open the conversation with him. Tell him that you prefer he make plans with you in advance but if he doesn't you will feel free to make other plans. Hang on a moment! No one is that busy. Im sticking up for the OP. When someone says they are busy. We`ll they`re never too busy to take a piss or go and take a dump and text while sitting on the bog. The OP is right to ask the question. They guy isn't interested. He has been honest by saying he doesn't do text conversation then maybe they should switch to just phoning each other. Im busy too. I work in a call centre so I can answer my phone but I still find the time in my lunch break to shoot off a message. I contact my mum, my friends and the woman Im interested in and thing off. OP, to answer your question. How do you gauge disinterest? Ive always said this before and I ll say it again. its in their ACTIONS. lack of texting as an action equals disinterest.
stillafool Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 18 hours ago, TaintedLuv said: I wouldn’t mind but now I’m a bit apprehensive to bring up anything. I tried to open it up over dinner so there would be no miscommunication and he was like “I said what I said” and shut it down. If he’s on the road often then I agree, why not call for a few minutes and catch up and make plans for the week/weekend? He mentioned to me that most women he’s dated felt that he was “indifferent” so perhaps that was his way of setting my expectations low but I do agree with them! In the past, it’s been crystal clear if a man is interested in me. I just don’t want to jump to conclusions before I let it go. This was your warning to not go forward with this guy. when he shut you down with the "I said what I said" he was basically treating you like a child. Followed by the "indifferent" comment would prompt me to show him what real indifference looks like. 3
Author TaintedLuv Posted January 28, 2020 Author Posted January 28, 2020 45 minutes ago, stillafool said: This was your warning to not go forward with this guy. when he shut you down with the "I said what I said" he was basically treating you like a child. Followed by the "indifferent" comment would prompt me to show him what real indifference looks like. The silly part is when I play the slow response game, I get texts back almost instantaneously. I hate games though. I also like open communication and if he’s already shutting that down then how can we address real issues later on? I think I may actually curb my interest and stop responding for a day or two and see if he notices. My guess is that he’ll just not bother anymore which says enough. We’ll see. 1
stillafool Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 You should not contact him for a while unless he contacts you first. Like, the next 5 times or so. Just go on about your life and work and see what happens. 1
Author TaintedLuv Posted January 28, 2020 Author Posted January 28, 2020 25 minutes ago, stillafool said: You should not contact him for a while unless he contacts you first. Like, the next 5 times or so. Just go on about your life and work and see what happens. I almost never initiate contact. It’s always him but now I will also slow down my response time even more. 1
SumGuy Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 22 hours ago, TaintedLuv said: I wouldn’t mind but now I’m a bit apprehensive to bring up anything. I tried to open it up over dinner so there would be no miscommunication and he was like “I said what I said” and shut it down. If he’s on the road often then I agree, why not call for a few minutes and catch up and make plans for the week/weekend? He mentioned to me that most women he’s dated felt that he was “indifferent” so perhaps that was his way of setting my expectations low but I do agree with them! In the past, it’s been crystal clear if a man is interested in me. I just don’t want to jump to conclusions before I let it go. Certainly some incompatibility in relationship styles here, am more in your camp. Frankly I've kids and my own business etc. and if you really have it together you make time for the things you love. I'm certain if he had an ongoing business relationship with a client he wouldn't leave meetings to last minute or fail to confirm ahead of time. My bar for communication is very low as grew up in the age way before cell phones and e-mail, yet a confirmation a day or tow ahead, or up your communication some at a convenient time at the request of your girlfriend/boyfriend is important for a relationship. It's about caring about the other person;s love language and making simple reasonable adjustments for it. In large part IMO it comes down to attachment style, he's more avoidant, don't discount others saying he is indifferent. If it got to the level he mentioned it he is, very. Not that he doesn't enjoy being with you, but that is because you are great to be around. Others will enjoy being with you to. He is interested in what he can get from you, the enjoyment (and I don;t mean just sex), but he is not interested in you...because you wants more communication and he won't even entertain a conversation about it. Now all of that can be lived with and people can change or adjust if they care, relationships are about that. I don't think that is the case here. If a woman said to me "I said what I said" to shut down the conversation (I assume you brought it up in a mature, non accusing, lets talk manner) that would spell the end for me. It's disrespectful and a clear signal he is never going to change, in fact may get worse, and does not want to communicate. The excuse will always be I told you how I am, I told I was indifferent,...basically I gave you fair warning I'm all about me and my way. I value communication in a relationship, so such an attitude is a no go for me. It's basically his way or the highway. I say take the highway. Lastly, for me a relationship where I was apprehensive to bring up such a thing is not one to be in. This just a basic communication style thing where both parties can adjust without major disruption or life altering or expense or compromising on values or morals or politics, etc. etc. If you don't feel comfortable talking such a simple and basic thing (and rightly so from his reaction) there will never be open, safe communication here. 1
2BGoodAgain Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 what's important isn't the amount of texts/convo/calls/talks... what's important is... is that ENOUGH for you? Sure, the other side could make time... i still believe it. But you really have to ask if this is enough, b/c it may not change even IF you two get into a relationship. Can you change enough for him? presuming it goes anywhere. mebbe he's not the talking type? or constantly talking? you have to meet up with him to see what kind of person he is.. and then make a determination if this is enough for you? or if it isn't. 1
SumGuy Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 3 hours ago, TaintedLuv said: The silly part is when I play the slow response game, I get texts back almost instantaneously. I hate games though. I also like open communication and if he’s already shutting that down then how can we address real issues later on? I think I may actually curb my interest and stop responding for a day or two and see if he notices. My guess is that he’ll just not bother anymore which says enough. We’ll see. I would move on. Sure if it fits for what YOU want go out with him, but don't wait for him, don't expect him to change no matter what you do. You certainly shouldn't have to play games. If your in the mood to do so start looking again. If he contacts you then you can decide if you go out with him if you haven't met anyone else. For me it would be over unless there was some come to Jesus moment with an apology and a real change in behavior. If you have decided it's over the next time he contacts you just let him know you are looking for someone who is not indifferent and who is open to communication. If he tries to talk you out of it and explain away your reasonable views, you know what to say "I said what I said" 1 1
Author TaintedLuv Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 So I haven’t heard from him since Monday and I had initiated the texts that evening. Aside from that, nothing since we parted ways Sunday morning. I feel like a fool once again. I just don’t get why men lead women on when they have no intentions of following through. Part of me wants to say my piece because I don’t think it’s right but he obviously won’t care either way.
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