TaintedLuv Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 There seem to be numerous threads that ultimately spell out “he’s just not that into you” but my question is at what point does one distinguish disinterest from someone having a busy lifestyle? I recently started seeing a man who has a busy work schedule, a child he shares and coaches her team at school several nights a week. He barely reaches out. I may be get one text a day and responses are delayed. Never an ongoing convo. Last week, he told me he wanted to pursue this but the texting has not changed. This past weekend he assumed we were spending our Saturday night together but he never even asked in the first place. I responded to his “where are we going tonight?” with “Oh I didn't realize we were hanging tonight. You've been kinda distant all week.” which he then simply said ”I’m not distant. i just dont do the constant conversation thing.” Fair enough and I wasn’t trying to say I need constant texting but how little is too little if you never get to know one another and only see each other once a week and maybe every other weekend? It seems like he shot down my attempt to open up the dialogue on how we communicate and assumed I was being needy. I’m not looking for a constant chain of communication but I really can’t read him in terms of his interest. 1
elaine567 Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 Dating is designed to find compatibility. You want some attention and to actually feel like you are dating someone. He is too busy to date you or even speak to you or think about you. = INCOMPATIBLE 5 1
scooby-philly Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 OP, I would have to say - decent men - when shown interest in by a woman - will show INTEREST BACK. All caps to emphasis - there's no beating around the bush. Maybe he's busy right now, maybe there's personal stuff going on, maybe he's stressed over something. Nevertheless one of the hallmarks of a great relationship is good communication and transparency. Even though you're just starting out, there's appropriate levels of communication and transparency. Even if it's too soon to tell you why he may be busy or stressed or dealing with something personal, he can still tell you that "I'm stressed over something at work" or "I'm busy these days with x,y,z," and then he would apologize. You don't make it too easy on someone till they've earned that "free pass". Sure, he could bounce back to a more "normal level" soon - but if he was really smitten with you and had communication skills, he'd let you know. At this point if you are capable of more emotionally and expect better for yourself and a relationship you're in - I'd have a quick chat - figure out what's going on and tell him what you want/need. If he doesn't respond in a suitable manner, move on!
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 Ask yourself: is he making time for you, or just fitting you in when it's convenient for him? 3
preraph Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 You get to know each other on your dates and leave texting for making dates. If you talk about everything on text, your date will be boring because there won't be anything left to talk about and it will just be repetitious and tedious. There's nothing wrong with what he's doing except he might have forgotten to ask you out, going by what you said. But if he did make a date for Saturday, just because you hadn't heard from him through the week doesn't mean it's off! He's very busy with work and a kid and school activities. He doesn't have time to chitchat on text. A LOT of people don't like that and find it a big waste of time and don't like being interrupted because someone won't terminate the conversation and just wants to keep it going. 2
Author TaintedLuv Posted January 27, 2020 Author Posted January 27, 2020 1 minute ago, preraph said: You get to know each other on your dates and leave texting for making dates. If you talk about everything on text, your date will be boring because there won't be anything left to talk about and it will just be repetitious and tedious. There's nothing wrong with what he's doing except he might have forgotten to ask you out, going by what you said. But if he did make a date for Saturday, just because you hadn't heard from him through the week doesn't mean it's off! He's very busy with work and a kid and school activities. He doesn't have time to chitchat on text. A LOT of people don't like that and find it a big waste of time and don't like being interrupted because someone won't terminate the conversation and just wants to keep it going. I have a busy schedule myself. I work full time. I’m in grad school. So I’m not looking for 247 texting. He didn’t ask me ahead of time. He asked me that same afternoon. I would’ve said no but why stay home purely based on principle instead of seeing someone I like? Part of me wants to appreciate that he does reach out daily but other times, I feel like he’s breadcrumbing me. 2
preraph Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 (edited) I agree asking that same afternoon is lame. But what's that got to do with texting? Just tell him, so are we making Saturdays our date night on a regular basis? That would be fine, but if not, please just give me at least a couple days' notice so I don't make other plans. You don't have a kid. Kids keep you from being organized, basically. You are afraid to plan something for yourself because at the last minute, you find out your kid needs to be somewhere or you have to watch them. But yeah, if he doesn't plan it, you can't either. Still hasn't anything to do with texting. He's using his time to get things done. If he texts people all week, he won't have any time for a date! Edited January 27, 2020 by preraph 1
stillafool Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 Why not have a phone call during the week instead of continued texting? You can say a lot more and clarify plans for any upcoming dates. 3
Author TaintedLuv Posted January 27, 2020 Author Posted January 27, 2020 3 minutes ago, stillafool said: Why not have a phone call during the week instead of continued texting? You can say a lot more and clarify plans for any upcoming dates. I wouldn’t mind but now I’m a bit apprehensive to bring up anything. I tried to open it up over dinner so there would be no miscommunication and he was like “I said what I said” and shut it down. If he’s on the road often then I agree, why not call for a few minutes and catch up and make plans for the week/weekend? He mentioned to me that most women he’s dated felt that he was “indifferent” so perhaps that was his way of setting my expectations low but I do agree with them! In the past, it’s been crystal clear if a man is interested in me. I just don’t want to jump to conclusions before I let it go.
elaine567 Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 Are you two having sex? If so, then this once a week, every second weekend get-togethers may suit him just fine... 1 1
Author TaintedLuv Posted January 27, 2020 Author Posted January 27, 2020 Just now, elaine567 said: Are you two having sex? If so, then this once a week, every second weekend get-togethers may suit him just fine... We have, yes.
d0nnivain Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 He's busy not disinterested You have expectations that you can develop a relationship over text. Divest yourself of that notion immediate. Still you get a text per day. That is a lot for a busy person. You are being unreasonable expecting some long drawn out conversation via text. You want attention from him in a way he doesn't have time to give you. That said, you are right about the Saturday plans thing. I always functioned like this. In the beginning, you do not have a date unless you made plans in advance. At some point the default switches to you have standing plans for the weekend unless told otherwise in advance. Re open the conversation with him. Tell him that you prefer he make plans with you in advance but if he doesn't you will feel free to make other plans. 1
Author TaintedLuv Posted January 27, 2020 Author Posted January 27, 2020 5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: He's busy not disinterested You have expectations that you can develop a relationship over text. Divest yourself of that notion immediate. Still you get a text per day. That is a lot for a busy person. You are being unreasonable expecting some long drawn out conversation via text. . Did you read anything I read? I don’t expect that AT ALL but if you can’t see each other that frequently then yes I expect some type of communication like a text or phone call. 1
preraph Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 Seriously, don't kill the buzz exhausting conversation over text! Keep it in person so you can see his reaction to things and he can see yours and most of all, so you have something left to talk about when you see each other and can really have a good visit and not just hop in bed and that become the routine.
preraph Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 3 minutes ago, TaintedLuv said: Did you read anything I read? I don’t expect that AT ALL but if you can’t see each other that frequently then yes I expect some type of communication like a text or phone call. Well, it sounds like you're not a good match then. Because busy adults with priorities like kids just don't have time to waste like that. And he doesn't enjoy that and neither do a lot of people. I like to get "a" text from a friend, but then I answer and go back to what I'd doing and become annoyed when I hear another text come in and then another.
d0nnivain Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 You are grumpy at me because you think I didn't hear you when you said you don't want a long drawn out conversation. But I think you do. This man said he wants to work things out with you. Why don't you believe that? If it's because the texting didn't change, which is what you said, then you do want more communication then you are getting. If this is going to work you are going to have to be specific. Would you be happy if you had a phone call between dates? If so, tell him exactly that. Don't just say you want more be specific. 1
lana-banana Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 45 minutes ago, TaintedLuv said: In the past, it’s been crystal clear if a man is interested in me. This is the key. If it's not crystal clear to you that he's interested, there's a very good reason. This guy's minimal effort and his total lack of empathy---"I said what I said", rather than even a basic "oh, I'm sorry that I made you feel that way"---are not good indicators of interest or even basic human consideration. I think you're correct to assume that his comment about indifferent women was a matter of expectation-setting. If you're not okay with being treated like this then you should drop it, because it's not going to get better. 3 1
stillafool Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 1 hour ago, TaintedLuv said: He barely reaches out. I may be get one text a day and responses are delayed. Never an ongoing convo. Last week, he told me he wanted to pursue this but the texting has not changed. This^ OP makes it seem that you do want a long ongoing convo by text. He doesn't seem to like that so you should suggest phone calls to him.
Author TaintedLuv Posted January 27, 2020 Author Posted January 27, 2020 (edited) 25 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You are grumpy at me because you think I didn't hear you when you said you don't want a long drawn out conversation. But I think you do. This man said he wants to work things out with you. Why don't you believe that? If it's because the texting didn't change, which is what you said, then you do want more communication then you are getting. If this is going to work you are going to have to be specific. Would you be happy if you had a phone call between dates? If so, tell him exactly that. Don't just say you want more be specific. I’m not sure why that is. I guess because the limited texts can sometimes come off as curt which makes me wonder but at the same time maybe, it’s just how he texts and it’s nothing personal. I’m trying to not mess this up by jumping to conclusions. I like the fact that he’s not available every other weekend. It leaves me time to focus on what I do in my free time. Maybe he’s just a bad texter? I just wish he was a bit warmer when we’re communicating and that’s why I feel like I can’t read him. Edited January 27, 2020 by TaintedLuv
Author TaintedLuv Posted January 27, 2020 Author Posted January 27, 2020 29 minutes ago, preraph said: Well, it sounds like you're not a good match then. Because busy adults with priorities like kids just don't have time to waste like that. And he doesn't enjoy that and neither do a lot of people. I like to get "a" text from a friend, but then I answer and go back to what I'd doing and become annoyed when I hear another text come in and then another. So the only people who’s time is valuable are the ones with children? The fact that I don’t have my own children doesn’t make me any less knowledgeable on how much work raising them entails.
preraph Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 (edited) No, not saying that, but the people who have the hardest time organizing because of all the variables are people with children. We're all busy. You have to realize his kids are probably texting him constantly interrupting him too, and his ex and maybe his employer. He's probably very sick of all the interruptions, and I just don't see why you don't think that's reasonable. No one has to keep up a text conversation just because they're dating. It's important leading up to dating, but after that, it's superfluous. Not everyone can text at work either. Edited January 27, 2020 by preraph 1
smackie9 Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 disinterest or not, you date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. He's lazy, busy, forgetful, not concerned about effort...this is not how you want to be treated right? Pretty simple. 6
Author TaintedLuv Posted January 27, 2020 Author Posted January 27, 2020 21 minutes ago, lana-banana said: This is the key. If it's not crystal clear to you that he's interested, there's a very good reason. This guy's minimal effort and his total lack of empathy---"I said what I said", rather than even a basic "oh, I'm sorry that I made you feel that way"---are not good indicators of interest or even basic human consideration. I think you're correct to assume that his comment about indifferent women was a matter of expectation-setting. If you're not okay with being treated like this then you should drop it, because it's not going to get better. Valid points. I made him breakfast and gave him a ride back to his car and I didn’t even get a “thank you”. I definitely don’t want someone who isn’t excited at the prospect of getting to know me and developing a relationship and this all seems like it’s heading towards the wrong direction. 3
smackie9 Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 (edited) 6 minutes ago, TaintedLuv said: Valid points. I made him breakfast and gave him a ride back to his car and I didn’t even get a “thank you”. Epic fail....the "Oh I forgot..." that's disinterest. Edited January 27, 2020 by smackie9
Miss Spider Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 (edited) Ime if they want to find time they will. I was dating an MD who was also a nationally touring musician who also had a daughter and I never waited around for a text or date. I think that’s often used as a excuse from people who just want to keep you on their line. Whenever I ignore texts and come back I say it’s because I was crazy busy, but the truth is I could have found time to text back. You know you’ve done it too Edited January 27, 2020 by Cookiesandough 6
Recommended Posts