Asayi Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 We’ve been dating for 5 months now and in the last few weeks, I’ve started to become insecure about his last relationship that ended one year ago. There’s nothing really that makes me doubt his feelings for me. He’s not in touch with his ex anymore and she lives far away (they had a long distance relationship). His family still has her in their social media and sometimes, they comment on her pictures (yeah I searched the ex.. guilty!). Also, I know my bf and his ex met during a trip and when I asked him yesterday what was the most beautiful destination he ever went, he answered the name of the place where he met her. And now, I can’t stop thinking about it and tell myself that the best place in the world he has ever been to is linked to his ex. I can’t shut that part of me that tells me that he’s nostalgic about his past and is only dating me because it was convenient or whatever. As for him, he never speaks about her. He’s focused on me, he puts efforts in the relationship and he says that he loves me. The past few weeks, he has been under a lot of stress (mainly because of family) and yesterday, he started tearing up a little while confiding me that he never had a stable family growing up and that he always kind of felt a void in his life because of that (his parents divorced 2-3 years ago, but there were always issues at his home) and he said that when he spends time with me, he’s so happy and that he doesn’t want to lose this relationship and me. He feels needy lately and he also told me that he wants to spend more time with me and deepen our relationship, but that he doesn’t want me to feel pressured or not comfortable about it. He kept apologizing for tearing up in front of me. Anyways, I’m a bit overwhelmed and I have all this thoughts and my own insecurities that make me close up while he asks me to open up more to him. I don’t why, but I second guess all the things he tells me or does for me. He wants me to talk more about my feelings and every time he tries to make me more open to him, I tend to do the exact opposite and go back to my shell. I don’t know how to trust him more. My family tells me that I’ve always been a little bit cold and aloof as a person, that I’m ‘mysterious’ loll. So it’s not just with him, but these days, I wonder what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I be vulnerable around people who matters to me? Why I’m obsessed about things I can’t control and overthink everything?
smackie9 Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 because it's natural to have these feelings when you start to fall for someone. They will evaporate in a month or so as your relationship progresses past the honeymoon stage. 1
scooby-philly Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 It's called "learned behavior". As we grow-up we learn behaviors, communication styles, defense mechanisms, in response to the people, environments, and moments we experience in our lives. If the rest of your family isn't cold and aloof then there's probably something (or a series of somethings) that happened to you that made you cut yourself off. And it doesn't have to be something bad like sexual or physical abuse or witnessing a shooting, etc. It could just be you always wanted to do X growing up, but maybe the first and second time you brought it up you parents shot you down in such a way that you stopped asking and then started to stop asking about other things in fear of getting that same reaction. I'm making this up obviously, but you get my point (and...you're parents may have just had a strong opinion about it or maybe were in a bad mood or stressed the day you brought it up, etc...they could be decent people) are psychological makeup is really complex. So to become more vulnerable and open you have to try. You at least recognize it as a problem. That's the first step in any 12-step program! Perhaps if you can afford it and have the time a professional counselor might help you explore why you are that way and help you come up with a plan to actually fix it. If that's not doable or not your thing, you can try yourself - you just have to learn to look at your feelings and say - no, I'm in control here. And trust me, a lot of people these days are not affectionate and vulnerable. Further, if you stay seeing this guy - just be careful that as you open up you don't get confused with his vulnerability issues either. I'll give you one example from my terrible dating record lol. My most recent relationship (5 months out now) was with a woman a lot younger than me. I'm 38 and she's 24...met I was 36 and her 22. Okay - don't give me grief here about the age thing - I thought she was like 26 or 28 when we first met and she thought I was like 30...anyway - she comes (and still lives with) a shame based, cold, somewhat toxic family. Her parents are immigrants so she ends up doing a lot of stuff for them since they don't speak great English nor have professional education/jobs. Her mom shames a lot and is angry because they're not rich (though they own a home in an NYC borough, which isn't too shabby) and is a drama queen and not nice, affectionate at all and her dad is an enabler and they don't have any sort of social life. So my ex was closed off with her emotions and also had a false front of being the "good girl" - suffice to say she wasn't/isn't. So there were times when I tried to get her to open up and she did, but as our relationship progressed and we avoided any rock bumps I think two things happened - she slipped back into her shell because there wasn't anything rocking her out of it and she is too young, immature, and not ready to address her own issues/wants and then I was having some problems and became a little needy for a few months last year and I think between her issues and me becoming even less like her cold, distant father, then she lost interest. Not to say it wouldn't have happened anyway or that it was meant to be - but just keep in mind for yourself OP, as you open up make sure what you share and process and what he shares and process don't get mixed up and down own his feelings. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 He's opening up & you are getting scared. Unless he's a world traveler, the best place he's been so far may have been there but you two have worlds to explore together, 4
kendahke Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, Asayi said: I can’t stop thinking about it and tell myself that the best place in the world he has ever been to is linked to his ex. The best place in the world that he's been to SO FAR.... His life isn't over now that he's met you. You and he have every opportunity to find another place for yourselves that has nothing to do with his ex if you don't botch this up with your insecurity. He cannot spin the earth backwards to the moment before he met her, so there is nothing you can do but accept that he had a life--=and a love life at that--with someone else long before he knew you existed. It's unfair to hold a grudge against him for living his life prior to knowing you existed. There are exercises you can use to stop you from destructive thinking--put a rubber band on your wrist and everytime you go there, snap it. You'll train yourself to get a grip on that part of your thoughts. Because if you don't, you will bring about exactly what you wish to avoid at all costs. 4 hours ago, Asayi said: I don’t know how to trust him more. My family tells me that I’ve always been a little bit cold and aloof as a person, that I’m ‘mysterious’ loll. So it’s not just with him, but these days, I wonder what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I be vulnerable around people who matters to me? Why I’m obsessed about things I can’t control and overthink everything? You need to find a good therapist and work this out with them. He can't be that for you--he's got his own issues he needs to be working through with a therapist, too. Edited January 27, 2020 by kendahke 2
Author Asayi Posted January 27, 2020 Author Posted January 27, 2020 Thank you very much for your answers, it helps to understand things a little bit better. What @d0nnivain and @kendahke mentioned about us having a world to explore together and that there are a lot of new places to visit together reassures me somehow. I was stuck in my head in a past I can’t even control. And you’re right.. It’s unfair to hold a grudge against him for living his life prior to meeting me. We both have a lot of things to work on our own, but I feel like everyone on this planet does. I want us to grow together and build something strong and I believe he wants the same thing for us too. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 Look, I've been to famous restaurants and fabulous parties with exes. Those events do not determine the intensity of my affection for my exes. It's the day-to-day relationship that matters. I'm going to step outside the box here. Whenever I've gotten jealous like you seem to be right now ... I basically learned that it was me ... who wasn't that interested in the other person. By some twisted logic of avoidance and confusion ... I would feel distant from the person ... hearing about exes or whatever ... because i didn't have a good bond with the person. This guy got vulnerable with you, teared up ... said how good he feels with you ... and my sense: you are feeling distant. Either you don't really like him ... or you've got some serious emotional blocks. Really for blocks, therapy is the best route. But here's the thing ... we can be emotionally blocked ... AND actually not be that into someone. My gut points there in this case. I like you like him ... But I don't think you're all that into him. When we are not really into someone, the connection hangs by a thread ... and if you are unaware of your ambivalence ... then yes ... stories of old lovers will trigger you ... will pull on that thin thread. To me, the best antidote to jealousy is feeling deeply connected to your partner. So the blunt questions: Are you REALLY into this person? Overwhelmingly, passionately into him? 2
scooby-philly Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 47 minutes ago, Asayi said: Thank you very much for your answers, it helps to understand things a little bit better. What @d0nnivain and @kendahke mentioned about us having a world to explore together and that there are a lot of new places to visit together reassures me somehow. I was stuck in my head in a past I can’t even control. And you’re right.. It’s unfair to hold a grudge against him for living his life prior to meeting me. We both have a lot of things to work on our own, but I feel like everyone on this planet does. I want us to grow together and build something strong and I believe he wants the same thing for us too. Love is vulnerable. And vulnerability comes with risk. But both parties have to try....and to the point you brought up about his ex...remember....his answer could change if you asked a different question. Like...what was your fave place before that one...pr what places to do you want to go. Ask different questions and get different answers. 1
Author Asayi Posted January 28, 2020 Author Posted January 28, 2020 1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said: Look, I've been to famous restaurants and fabulous parties with exes. Those events do not determine the intensity of my affection for my exes. It's the day-to-day relationship that matters. I'm going to step outside the box here. Whenever I've gotten jealous like you seem to be right now ... I basically learned that it was me ... who wasn't that interested in the other person. By some twisted logic of avoidance and confusion ... I would feel distant from the person ... hearing about exes or whatever ... because i didn't have a good bond with the person. This guy got vulnerable with you, teared up ... said how good he feels with you ... and my sense: you are feeling distant. Either you don't really like him ... or you've got some serious emotional blocks. Really for blocks, therapy is the best route. But here's the thing ... we can be emotionally blocked ... AND actually not be that into someone. My gut points there in this case. I like you like him ... But I don't think you're all that into him. When we are not really into someone, the connection hangs by a thread ... and if you are unaware of your ambivalence ... then yes ... stories of old lovers will trigger you ... will pull on that thin thread. To me, the best antidote to jealousy is feeling deeply connected to your partner. So the blunt questions: Are you REALLY into this person? Overwhelmingly, passionately into him? Your point of view is really interesting and it makes me question a lot. Not about my feelings for him because I truly care about him and I do love him, but I hold back A LOT. I think a lot with my head and I’m very careful. 2 years ago, I promised myself that I would only fully give myself to someone who wants and proves me that he wants to be there for the long haul (aka my future husband). I guess it’s my way of avoiding being hurt, but the downside is that I am distant and I know it affects my boyfriend who’s already so attached and invested in me. I am too, but probably less than him. Maybe I think about all the worst case scenarios just so if anything really happened, it wouldn’t hurt as much. Maybe it’s a self defense mechanism, I really don’t know... The therapist is a good idea and I’d consider it. Also, I’m going through major professional changements in my life. I’m done with my studies and I’m now figuring things out with my career and it’s a lot of stress. I think a lot about my future and my life. I feel like time is running so fast and it’s all so real and scary. 1 hour ago, scooby-philly said: Love is vulnerable. And vulnerability comes with risk. But both parties have to try....and to the point you brought up about his ex...remember....his answer could change if you asked a different question. Like...what was your fave place before that one...pr what places to do you want to go. Ask different questions and get different answers. I asked him other questions to which he gave me different answers, but it stuck in my head. He thought that I asked because I wanted to travel with him and I told him it’s not for that specific reason and then he proceeded to talk about us, his fears, him not wanting to lose me and he became vulnerable. I admire him for being able to do that. I told him. He thought he was weak, but he’s way stronger than me who hides behind a wall of ice.
scooby-philly Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 Then proceed slowly, with as much vulnerability as you can muster, and see what happens.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 12 hours ago, Asayi said: We’ve been dating for 5 months now and in the last few weeks, I’ve started to become insecure about his last relationship that ended one year ago. There’s nothing really that makes me doubt his feelings for me. He’s not in touch with his ex anymore and she lives far away (they had a long distance relationship). His family still has her in their social media and sometimes, they comment on her pictures (yeah I searched the ex.. guilty!). Also, I know my bf and his ex met during a trip and when I asked him yesterday what was the most beautiful destination he ever went, he answered the name of the place where he met her. And now, I can’t stop thinking about it and tell myself that the best place in the world he has ever been to is linked to his ex. OK, what if he came home tomorrow and told you that he'd re-thought things, and that the actual most beautiful destination he ever went to was the grocery store that's two neighborhoods over from your neighborhood (NOT the one with the really nice checkers, and the best prices on TP... but the ratty one, on the other side of the railroad tracks... with the giant pile of Presto Logs by the entrance). Would that make you feel any better??? (of COURSE the most beautiful destination cited by most people is gonna be someplace from a trip they'd been on. And just HOW many trips does one tend to have to choose from??? His having cited that particular spot has a strong chance of being wholly accurate {as the most beautiful he's ever been to) even if I went there and measured on your behalf) (secondly: even if he's been on 17 trips... there are likely only 2 or 4 which could possibly rate that title) (and I'm just guessing that his answer is more probably accurate than is your doubt (or your sense OF his reasoning). )
JTSW Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 17 hours ago, Asayi said: He’s focused on me, he puts efforts in the relationship and he says that he loves me. 17 hours ago, Asayi said: he said that when he spends time with me, he’s so happy and that he doesn’t want to lose this relationship and me. 17 hours ago, Asayi said: he wants to spend more time with me and deepen our relationship You've got a really great guy here. 17 hours ago, Asayi said: I can’t stop thinking about it and tell myself that the best place in the world he has ever been to is linked to his ex. 17 hours ago, Asayi said: I don’t why, but I second guess all the things he tells me or does for me. 17 hours ago, Asayi said: I don’t know how to trust him more. 17 hours ago, Asayi said: I’ve always been a little bit cold and aloof as a person 17 hours ago, Asayi said: Why I’m obsessed about things I can’t control and overthink everything? 17 hours ago, Asayi said: I’ve started to become insecure about his last relationship that ended one year ago. And this is why you are going to lose him. I suggest therapy. 2
Caauug Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 16 hours ago, Asayi said: when I asked him yesterday what was the most beautiful destination he ever went, he answered the name of the place where he met her. And now, I can’t stop thinking about it and tell myself that the best place in the world he has ever been to is linked to his ex. He REALLY messed up here!!! Yes, everyone has a past but no one wants to here about it after the discovery. He has to learn to suppress talking about his history before/with you, you may have to lighten up on the history questions to not hit your insecurities. 16 hours ago, Asayi said: I can’t shut that part of me that tells me that he’s nostalgic about his past and is only dating me because it was convenient or whatever. As for him, he never speaks about her. He’s focused on me, he puts efforts in the relationship and he says that he loves me. Of course he will nostalgic of his past, who isn't? We all like to remember the good times. Even when you are picking the eyes out of a dead relationship years later... Yes, he is dating you because it is "convenient or whatever". He tried the LDR with his ex and it didn't work. There is no point banging your head against a wall trying that again, "Let's try a local girl" next time, that's you!!! 17 hours ago, Asayi said: The past few weeks, he has been under a lot of stress (mainly because of family) and yesterday, he started tearing up a little while confiding me that he never had a stable family growing up and that he always kind of felt a void in his life because of that (his parents divorced 2-3 years ago, but there were always issues at his home) and he said that when he spends time with me, he’s so happy and that he doesn’t want to lose this relationship and me. Men get judged on how they are handling stress, showing his vulnerabilities by tearing up and opening up is NOT what you wanted/needed to see at this point or maybe any point in the relationship. This is not good.... Remind him you need him to be strong and as solid as a rock!!!! 17 hours ago, Asayi said: He feels needy lately and he also told me that he wants to spend more time with me and deepen our relationship, but that he doesn’t want me to feel pressured or not comfortable about it. He kept apologizing for tearing up in front of me. Crap!!! What is he doing to you??? He feels "Needy"!!!! "He kept apologizing"??? Is this REALLY what you want your life partner to be doing/showing to you? 17 hours ago, Asayi said: Anyways, I’m a bit overwhelmed and I have all this thoughts and my own insecurities that make me close up while he asks me to open up more to him. I don’t why, but I second guess all the things he tells me or does for me. He wants me to talk more about my feelings and every time he tries to make me more open to him, I tend to do the exact opposite and go back to my shell. I don’t know how to trust him more. You would be "Overwhelmed" with all this going on, and that would explain "Make me close up"... I like that, you say "I don't know why" and two lines down you state "I don't know how to trust him more".... Asked and answered by you!!! 9 hours ago, Asayi said: Your point of view is really interesting and it makes me question a lot. Not about my feelings for him because I truly care about him and I do love him, but I hold back A LOT. I think a lot with my head and I’m very careful. 2 years ago, I promised myself that I would only fully give myself to someone who wants and proves me that he wants to be there for the long haul (aka my future husband). You "Question a lot", "Hold back A LOT", and "I think a lot with my head". If this is Mr.Right should it be this hard??? He is not showing the "Proves me" part is he? You require more don't you? 9 hours ago, Asayi said: I guess it’s my way of avoiding being hurt, but the downside is that I am distant and I know it affects my boyfriend who’s already so attached and invested in me. I am too, but probably less than him. I am reading this more as "You trying to avoid hurting him"? You know what is/should be coming... 9 hours ago, Asayi said: Also, I’m going through major professional changements in my life. I’m done with my studies and I’m now figuring things out with my career and it’s a lot of stress. I think a lot about my future and my life. I feel like time is running so fast and it’s all so real and scary. This is about "YOU", and you must sort this out before you can think about "Us". You have/beginning a career, you will have goals and asperations within your career. Is your BF part of this? (Big Question) He may say yes, but if you think ahead on where you want to be in say 5yrs. will he fit in? Will he fit where you want to be in 5 yrs.? Remember the golden rules: Guys never want the girls to change but they always do. Girls always want the guys to change but they seldom do. Your above statement could mean heaps as in social status for you and him, will he measure up? Yes it will matter to you and him. 9 hours ago, Asayi said: I asked him other questions to which he gave me different answers, but it stuck in my head. He thought that I asked because I wanted to travel with him and I told him it’s not for that specific reason and then he proceeded to talk about us, his fears, him not wanting to lose me and he became vulnerable. I admire him for being able to do that. I told him. He thought he was weak, but he’s way stronger than me who hides behind a wall of ice. I will work backwards on this quote, "Wall of Ice", this is you working out if he is "Future Husband" material.... Why open and invest yourself if he is not Mr.Right??? He is stronger but is he strong enough? Not by being "Vulnerable" and talking about his fears/losing you. And last, he assumed your question was on travel, he is not picking up your train of thought.... As the old saying goes.... He's not lickin' what your spittin'..... You are giving lots of reasons to say he is not Mr.Right for you at this point in time. Remember it's not about him, it is about YOU as it is YOUR life. YOU need to pick someone that is right for YOU. The last thing you want for yourself is a big white wedding then three years down the track sharing yourself between a BF and a blue pill sucking hubby with a bub that looks like both.
JTSW Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 Just now, Caauug said: He REALLY messed up here!!! Yes, everyone has a past but no one wants to here about it after the discovery. He has to learn to suppress talking about his history before/with you, you may have to lighten up on the history questions to not hit your insecurities. The conversation was nothing to do about his past. They discussed the most beautiful place he has been and stating a certain place has no association with the ex. It has nothing to do with his ex. He doesn't care about his ex.
Caauug Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 19 hours ago, Asayi said: His family still has her in their social media and sometimes, they comment on her pictures (yeah I searched the ex.. guilty!). Also, I know my bf and his ex met during a trip and when I asked him yesterday what was the most beautiful destination he ever went, he answered the name of the place where he met her. 4 minutes ago, JTSW said: The conversation was nothing to do about his past. They discussed the most beautiful place he has been and stating a certain place has no association with the ex. It has nothing to do with his ex. He doesn't care about his ex. What ever you think, I read it another way..... I have been wrong before...
JTSW Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 Just now, Caauug said: Crap!!! What is he doing to you??? He feels "Needy"!!!! "He kept apologizing"??? Is this REALLY what you want your life partner to be doing/showing to you? So it's a crime to be a little sensitive and emotional due to a bad upbringing? This guy has nothing wrong. He's done nothing to warrant being torn apart like this. 1
Caauug Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 3 minutes ago, JTSW said: So it's a crime to be a little sensitive and emotional due to a bad upbringing? This guy has nothing wrong. He's done nothing to warrant being torn apart like this. WTF??? It has nothing to do with him!!!! Get your head around that. It has to do with her and her view of him. For the most part men are not to show weakness (dating phase)…. He is showing heaps, not what she wants to see!!!
JTSW Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 Yes, this isn't about him. This is about her issues with finding fault in everything. 1
fromheart Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 20 hours ago, Asayi said: . He wants me to talk more about my feelings and every time he tries to make me more open to him, I tend to do the exact opposite and go back to my shell. The only problem is this, he's killing the relationship with this nonsense. Trying to get another to fill a gap only you can fill, is the death of intimacy. It shouldn't be up to the woman to tell a man what to do. Puts her in a maternal/sisterly role, which again is a passion killer that you may never recover from. However, the damage has already been done. Tell him to stop being so F'ing needy, because you love him. If he understands this, he's a man.
Author Asayi Posted January 28, 2020 Author Posted January 28, 2020 I see that people have shared opinions on my situation (which is perfectly fine). I don’t think my bf is needy, but he has been insecure lately (he told me about his insecurities himself). He has been raised to be a ‘though man’ and to keep his emotional side for himself, but he’s a really sensitive guy who cares a lot and it was the first time that I’ve seen him tear up like that in 5 months. Well he did become a little bit emotionally in the beginning when he told me about his family, but it wasn’t like that. I don’t judge him for having emotions and feelings. I’m not really into crying people (I basically never cry in front of people myself), but I respect those who are able to show how they feel and as long as he doesn’t start tearing up for nothing, then I’m fine with it. For his ex, for my own sanity, I chose to let it behind and trust that he’s with me now because he genuinely wants to. I feel like he’s trying to distance himself from me since Sunday. I know it’s my fault. He wants me to include him more in my life. I’m throwing a little game evening with friends this Friday and I asked him last week or 2 weeks ago if he wanted to come and he said yes. Other than that, I don’t know what to do. I’m like frozen.
scooby-philly Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 3 hours ago, Caauug said: WTF??? It has nothing to do with him!!!! Get your head around that. It has to do with her and her view of him. For the most part men are not to show weakness (dating phase)…. He is showing heaps, not what she wants to see!!! um....yeah - if you want to be (if you're a man) or you only want to date (if you're a woman) an alpha male - then I feel sorry for you.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 OP, you say you "respect" him for opening up about his painful family past. OK, respect is one thing, feeling comfortable with such emotional is a different thing. Were you able to comfort him? Hug him? Settle into listening to him? Rub his back, let lay in your lap? ... Were you emotionally comfortable with his opening up. In a good relationship ... yes, people go deep at some point ... and if the relationship works, the other partner will comfort the person in pain. Not just "respect" them, but emotionally, gently take care of them for awhile. Did you do that? I don't ask in accusation. I'm simply trying to figure out what's going on. You admit that you are emotionally blocked and so I'm trying to fill in some gaps so I can make a constructive suggestion.
Author Asayi Posted January 28, 2020 Author Posted January 28, 2020 3 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: OP, you say you "respect" him for opening up about his painful family past. OK, respect is one thing, feeling comfortable with such emotional is a different thing. Were you able to comfort him? Hug him? Settle into listening to him? Rub his back, let lay in your lap? ... Were you emotionally comfortable with his opening up. In a good relationship ... yes, people go deep at some point ... and if the relationship works, the other partner will comfort the person in pain. Not just "respect" them, but emotionally, gently take care of them for awhile. Did you do that? I don't ask in accusation. I'm simply trying to figure out what's going on. You admit that you are emotionally blocked and so I'm trying to fill in some gaps so I can make a constructive suggestion. Physically, it was a bit impossible to do all of the things you mentioned (we were in a restaurant and he was sitting in front of me). I hold his hand/arms and listened to all the things he had to say and he kept apologizing and I asked him to stop apologizing for that. I also told him that I admire his vulnerability and that it makes him a strong person. I think I was able to comfort him because after that, he was okay and he thanked me + he told me he felt better now. And then we went for a walk and it was a beautiful moment where we were just as always (laughing together, being affectionate, talking about other stuff, teasing each other, being comfortably silent together). But once I went back home, I had this feeling.. I don’t know how to explain it. It hurts me to hurt him like that. I don’t want to lose him either and I feel like I’m screwing things up just because of who I am.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 You know ... if you're going to be vulnerable with a partner, you just gotta do it. Doing it and then apologizing ... doesn't really work. This is from his end. What happens is you, the listening partner, usually just have to be kind and supportive ... but when someone apologizes (discounting the importance of their own pain) ... you have to be supportive of that too ... and that gets exhausting. It's like you have to take care of a little kid ... who is crying and feeling embarrassed about crying. He should just share or not share ... don't share and apologize for sharing or apologize for getting choked up. So how about you getting vulnerable and telling him about your jealousy and insecurity? I usually wouldn't advise that ... but in this case, I think this relationship will fall apart anyway because you've got your uncomfortable feelings ... That discomfort and jealous will find its way toxically into the relationship ... so maybe just take a chance and be transparent ... just an experiment ... share your jealousy with him ... See if he can soothe you ... You've clearly got work to do in relationships ... But this could be a nice little start. 1
JTSW Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: so maybe just take a chance and be transparent ... just an experiment ... share your jealousy with him ... See if he can soothe you I completely agree with this. Maybe she needs him to put her mind at rest and then maybe she can relax and enjoy the relationship. 1
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