Searching realities

[ZA Dater]

14 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

If that were true, you’d be having more success in dating. Instead, almost all of the woman here have agreed you could do with some improvements  and almost all have agreed on the exact things (style and expression). From what I’ve seen from your posts, you’re  pretty  picky, but a woman that wants a man to put more effort into his appearance than taking some #4 clippers to his hair is not worth your time. Just seems like excuses not to try. Sorry. I really agree with the others that it boils down to attitude .

So tell me this. At what point do I draw the line, I like my current hairstyle so what you advocate is changing it to something I probably wont like because well a lady will talk to me because she likes my hairstyle? Overly simplistic I know but you get the point.

So I walk around in clothed I don't like with a hairstyle I don't like because well ladies will suddenly fall over their feet to talk to me? I have been down this road once before and the ROI was zero. If a hairstyle and a clothes style is enough to get me rejected then yes some posters are right I probably don't want and should not be playing this game called dating but if this be true it further proves me point that ladies are as superficial as men. I once went out with someone who dressed like Marilyn Monroe, a style I don't particularly like and it wasn't contemporary but I didn't reject her because of it. Once again it would appear there are dual standards at work here.

I am the last person to give up and the first person to volunteer so trying is not really the issue, the issue is what to try to bring a CERTAIN positive result, at this point I am not too interested in playing outlandish odds, I'd actually like something that works as opposed to doing what I have been doing, which is to try many a thing with no specific purpose and no real idea as to how that specific thing is going to bring me success.

I'd like to think I am articulate and can talk on a variety of topics but this is tempered by the fact on go on date after date and find zero common ground, so that particular skill is rendered irrelevant. Ok so you should make them laugh, that's very hard for me to do but I do try with little success, one should be fun, I pretty much fail at this before I even start, my demeanour is serious which again doesn't seem to help much, I try lighten up but I suspect this comes across as false. I try project some confidence despite the fact I don't have a lot when it comes to dating.

Not really too sure which attitude I should have, the grovel one, the well I should be so lucky she goes out with me even If I don't find her attractive. I am thankful I don't need to endure the destructive relationships some of my friends have to put up with.

[clia]

It’s the same as always with you, ZA Dater.

People make suggestions as to things you can change that might improve your chances to get a date or meet someone – whether to your looks, personality, activities, the type of women you are pursuing, etc.

You push back and argue why should you have to change yourself?  You take extreme positions (e.g., why should I have to get a haircut that I don’t like or wear clothes I don’t like) rather than considering that maybe there is a middle ground (e.g. you can find a different hairstyle that is more stylish that you also like or you can find clothes that are more stylish that you also like).  It's like you are purposely being obstinate.

Well, you don’t have to change.  But what you are doing IS NOT WORKING and has never worked.  So, you can either keep doing things the same way and continue as you are, or you can change something and see if that helps your situation.  Those are your choices, and you seem adamant that the first choice is the only one because why should you have to change anything, the women you meet should just give you a chance!  Well, it’s YOU -- not the women -- who are on this site creating thread after thread complaining about how you can’t find someone and can’t get a date, yet for some reason you stubbornly refuse to do anything about it.  So, what kind of advice are you looking for?  The problem here is with you, not with the women, so the solution is going to be with you, not expecting the women you meet to magically change their views/feelings about you.         

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, clia said:

It’s the same as always with you, ZA Dater.

People make suggestions as to things you can change that might improve your chances to get a date or meet someone – whether to your looks, personality, activities, the type of women you are pursuing, etc.

You push back and argue why should you have to change yourself?  You take extreme positions (e.g., why should I have to get a haircut that I don’t like or wear clothes I don’t like) rather than considering that maybe there is a middle ground (e.g. you can find a different hairstyle that is more stylish that you also like or you can find clothes that are more stylish that you also like).  It's like you are purposely being obstinate.

Well, you don’t have to change.  But what you are doing IS NOT WORKING and has never worked.  So, you can either keep doing things the same way and continue as you are, or you can change something and see if that helps your situation.  Those are your choices, and you seem adamant that the first choice is the only one because why should you have to change anything, the women you meet should just give you a chance!  Well, it’s YOU -- not the women -- who are on this site creating thread after thread complaining about how you can’t find someone and can’t get a date, yet for some reason you stubbornly refuse to do anything about it.  So, what kind of advice are you looking for?  The problem here is with you, not with the women, so the solution is going to be with you, not expecting the women you meet to magically change their views/feelings about you.         

I am looking for ladies to actually tell me what they want and what matters to them! So far I get the distinct impression hair style and clothes rank pretty much neat the top of that list but I may be wrong. I have asked this question and seemingly nobody is prepared to commit themselves to an answer. Everyone says I am wrong and looks don't matter, so ladies do looks matter does the awkward guy get the same chance as the funk hunk guy? Do tell.

You forget I changed to this on the "well it will help you" it hasn't so no I wont be lining up again for more of the same. I like how I look, I like my hairstyle and my clothes and if women don't like it well then my superficial point is perfectly illustrated. A lot of this is me proving that ladies are as superficial as men, even more so in fact. They just hide behind BS like "the strongest, for the strongest kids" and more what just amounts to mumbo jumbo. Ladies rejecting people on HEIGHT, not on honesty, not on lack of a decent job, no on lack of ambition but HEIGHT. I'd say on the scale of actual important things this doesn't rank anywhere but then again I am not so geared toward the superficial.

The problem might be me but mot me alone. I have had perfectly decent dates, conversation was good and STILL I was rejected for reasons unknown, so tell me how that's me, oh perhaps she didn't like my golf shirt colour, my bad. I can go and sit in a bar, guess what I get no attention, the loud mouth with his mates gets plenty, YET it will be those same ladies crying "he just used me for sex", honestly what did they expect? There are millions of good guys being worked over by ladies, many on this forum YET ALWAYS its the guys fault, ALWAYS, not ONCE have a read anyone actually saying "oh she was rude".

So yes I harbour a certain degree of realism, I can go toe to toe with those fun guys and for the most part make many of them looks very intellectually wanting, but what do I achieve doing that, nothing really because ladies will still go running for them. Honestly many of us here would take greater value of ladies were more honest. Call me ugly, I don't care, call me arrogant, I don't care, frankly call me anything, chances are I have heard it before but the irony is those who sat those things open themselves up to scrutiny.

I am not being obstinate and every changes including me, my experiences don't though, the fundamentals don't either, the fundamental that many ladies crow on about equal rights but still expect men to make the first move, why if everyone is so equal. I have seen guys get rejected, they were for the most part over ambitions, many people here say everyone is given equal chance HOW MANY have practiced this? How many? I actually have, I have been out with moms, over weight shy ladies, stunning athletic ladies, hugely successful business ladies, average ladies, people I didn't find attractive, people I had nothing in common. HOW many ladies have done the same?

The advice I am looking for is not theory, its about what ladies have ACTUALLY done, what they ACTUALLY think. I am happy to be proved wrong but none of the experiences I have had have proven me wrong, its variations of the same nonsense over again, whether I go looking like clown or go looking like an exec the result is the same, I talk about them they don't ask me anything, there is never any interest, no real "lets get to know him". Its just a time filler I think for many of them. I try hard to plaster over the things I am not good at however its NEVER ever good enough. I try the advice given her and the results are never better, I am not meeting any better people, getting any better matches and frankly when someone says getting a hair cut and new style of clothes will solve all this I take it with a mountain of salt.

 

[elaine567]

Your profile is your advert to the world.
You seem to want to present yourself as a classy articulate guy looking for an above average woman, a woman who you can discuss serious subjects with.
i am not going to pick apart the pic, but nothing to me on that pic gives any indication of who you claim to be.
It is a small pic, but blowing up the image you look to me pretty disgruntled too. That is not an image you want to portray.
You need to sell yourself better and present a classier image, if you want to attract classier women.
 

[clia]

 

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I am looking for ladies to actually tell me what they want and what matters to them! So far I get the distinct impression hair style and clothes rank pretty much neat the top of that list but I may be wrong. I have asked this question and seemingly nobody is prepared to commit themselves to an answer. Everyone says I am wrong and looks don't matter, so ladies do looks matter does the awkward guy get the same chance as the funk hunk guy? Do tell.

Looks do matter, but different women are attracted to different things.  You need only look around you to figure that out.  You see fat men, short men, ugly men, average men, men with beards, men without beards, nerdy men, muscular men, handsome men, etc. ... all with women.  There's no formula.  In your photo, you look like you stepped out of 1955, have a pack of Marlboro's rolled up in your shirtsleeve and are ready to rumble.  If you think presenting yourself in a white undershirt and jeans is good enough, then that's your prerogative.  But most women who are at all into fashion are not going to find that an attractive look.  But some women won't care.  One of your main problems, IMO, is that the way YOU are does not jive with the kind of women you are trying to attract.  

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You forget I changed to this on the "well it will help you" it hasn't so no I wont be lining up again for more of the same.

Changed to what?  

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I like how I look, I like my hairstyle and my clothes and if women don't like it well then my superficial point is perfectly illustrated. A lot of this is me proving that ladies are as superficial as men, even more so in fact. They just hide behind BS like "the strongest, for the strongest kids" and more what just amounts to mumbo jumbo. Ladies rejecting people on HEIGHT, not on honesty, not on lack of a decent job, no on lack of ambition but HEIGHT. I'd say on the scale of actual important things this doesn't rank anywhere but then again I am not so geared toward the superficial.

People are entitled to be as superficial as they want.  You, too, are superficial -- that's been evidenced in all of your past threads.  

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The problem might be me but mot me alone. I have had perfectly decent dates, conversation was good and STILL I was rejected for reasons unknown, so tell me how that's me, oh perhaps she didn't like my golf shirt colour, my bad.

I, too, have had dates that seemed great and then was rejected.  That's a normal part of dating.  

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I can go and sit in a bar, guess what I get no attention, the loud mouth with his mates gets plenty, YET it will be those same ladies crying "he just used me for sex", honestly what did they expect? There are millions of good guys being worked over by ladies, many on this forum YET ALWAYS its the guys fault, ALWAYS, not ONCE have a read anyone actually saying "oh she was rude".

What are you even talking about/  Millions of good guys being worked over by ladies?  What?  Yes, people can be a**holes on both sides, both men and women.  What does that even have to do with anything?  I'm sorry that the mousy guy at the end of the bar drinking a glass of water by himself is ignored while the loud mouthed guy with his friends gets attention.  Doesn't that seem kind of obvious to you?  

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So yes I harbour a certain degree of realism, I can go toe to toe with those fun guys and for the most part make many of them looks very intellectually wanting, but what do I achieve doing that, nothing really because ladies will still go running for them. Honestly many of us here would take greater value of ladies were more honest. Call me ugly, I don't care, call me arrogant, I don't care, frankly call me anything, chances are I have heard it before but the irony is those who sat those things open themselves up to scrutiny.

I thought we established in your previous threads that you are not fun and you do not like to have fun?  So what do you mean you can go toe to toe with those fun guys?  We've gone over this in your other threads, but most women are looking to have a fun time when they go out on a date, not to be put through an intellectual interview., which is what you seem to want.   

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I am not being obstinate and every changes including me, my experiences don't though, the fundamentals don't either, the fundamental that many ladies crow on about equal rights but still expect men to make the first move, why if everyone is so equal. I have seen guys get rejected, they were for the most part over ambitions, many people here say everyone is given equal chance HOW MANY have practiced this? How many? I actually have, I have been out with moms, over weight shy ladies, stunning athletic ladies, hugely successful business ladies, average ladies, people I didn't find attractive, people I had nothing in common. HOW many ladies have done the same?

 

Yes, a lot of women out there like men who exhibit masculine qualities, like pursuit.  A lot of women like a man who is confident enough to make the first move.  That's life.  You can keep complaining about how it's not fair and how you shouldn't have to make the first move and all of that, but it's not really going to get you anywhere.  It's nice that you've gone out with different types of people -- again that sounds like normal dating to me.  Women do it, too.    

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The advice I am looking for is not theory, its about what ladies have ACTUALLY done, what they ACTUALLY think.

About what? 

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I am happy to be proved wrong but none of the experiences I have had have proven me wrong, its variations of the same nonsense over again, whether I go looking like clown or go looking like an exec the result is the same, I talk about them they don't ask me anything, there is never any interest, no real "lets get to know him". Its just a time filler I think for many of them. I try hard to plaster over the things I am not good at however its NEVER ever good enough. I try the advice given her and the results are never better, I am not meeting any better people, getting any better matches and frankly when someone says getting a hair cut and new style of clothes will solve all this I take it with a mountain of salt.

I've said this to you before, but my personal opinion is that your picker is off and you are going for the types of women who are never going to go for you or give you what you want.

Edited February 4, 2020 by clia
Formatting

[SumGuy]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

The advice I am looking for is not theory, its about what ladies have ACTUALLY done, what they ACTUALLY think. 

I believe a lot of actual ladies have spoken up here, so you have been given what they have actually done and think.   When they tell you how to make your profile better they are telling you what women like them actually want and think. 

My examples are from actual experience (so what ladies have actually done) as well as my discussions about what ladies think is from actual conversations (so what ladies actually think).  Even more so the way I see it (my theories) and approach (putting them into practice) actually works, certainly to the degree you are looking for.

Or I could just agree with you and say women only care about  looks, in that case I say hit the gym.  When you doctored your photo to give yourself abs that worked.  That is not theory, but the results of your experiment.

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, SumGuy said:

 

Or I could just agree with you and say women only care about  looks, in that case I say hit the gym.  When you doctored your photo to give yourself abs that worked.  That is not theory, but the results of your experiment.

All that did was prove my theory correct that looks are all that matters. I could not care less about abs and other nonsense, why because even those better matches were not exactly gym ladies themselves. 

The bottom line is guys are being told by ladies to do things yet when when we do them the results are exactly the same, I have been for makeovers, bought clothes I don't like or feel good in, been to places I don't like and what benefit has that been. Nothing at all. 

 

[ZA Dater]

15 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Your profile is your advert to the world.
You seem to want to present yourself as a classy articulate guy looking for an above average woman, a woman who you can discuss serious subjects with.
i am not going to pick apart the pic, but nothing to me on that pic gives any indication of who you claim to be.
It is a small pic, but blowing up the image you look to me pretty disgruntled too. That is not an image you want to portray.
You need to sell yourself better and present a classier image, if you want to attract classier women.
 

Again my point is illustrated. I can write the most articulate profile I can imagine and nobody reads it anyway.....so which matters more, the picture or the profile? I was looking right into the sun in that picture but I'd say is fairly representative of all my pictures so I guess the criticism stands. My question is, when you read what I write there is a better representation of who I am but that hardly seems to matter. I have been on dates where there is just nothing, no good reason I should have gone to begin with.

My question to you is, when you go on dates are you actually excited to go on them? What is the attraction to the meet the person, their appearance or what you get out of the communication? Am I wrong to be un interested in not bothering to go on dates where I do get positive vibes from one or the other of the above two? A good case in point was someone I chatted to for hours, she really liked me then saw a picture and complete ghosting occurred. So clearly looks mattered more, which is why I keep singing this same song because it would appear this is fairly universal.

Its not even classier I want, I just want to connect with them on some level but even that's is proving very hard to do, case in point I was chatting to an Australian, she laughed my sense of humour but after two weeks of this I was pretty bored, I was always the one initiating conversation and basically haven't heard from her since, she had a lovely personality but if I have to wait 3 weeks to meet someone my enthusiasm wanes quickly. Then I ask myself, sure you meet her and then what? There isn't huge common ground so what do I do then?

I just never get reciprocated interest, its me doing all of it all of them time and to me that's wrong.

[ZA Dater]

15 hours ago, clia said:

I, too, have had dates that seemed great and then was rejected.  That's a normal part of dating.  

What are you even talking about/  Millions of good guys being worked over by ladies?  What?  Yes, people can be a**holes on both sides, both men and women.  What does that even have to do with anything?  I'm sorry that the mousy guy at the end of the bar drinking a glass of water by himself is ignored while the loud mouthed guy with his friends gets attention.  Doesn't that seem kind of obvious to you?  

I thought we established in your previous threads that you are not fun and you do not like to have fun?  So what do you mean you can go toe to toe with those fun guys?  We've gone over this in your other threads, but most women are looking to have a fun time when they go out on a date, not to be put through an intellectual interview., which is what you seem to want.   

Yes, a lot of women out there like men who exhibit masculine qualities, like pursuit.  A lot of women like a man who is confident enough to make the first move.  That's life.  You can keep complaining about how it's not fair and how you shouldn't have to make the first move and all of that, but it's not really going to get you anywhere.  It's nice that you've gone out with different types of people -- again that sounds like normal dating to me.  Women do it, too.    

About what? 

I've said this to you before, but my personal opinion is that your picker is off and you are going for the types of women who are never going to go for you or give you what you want.

What is you ratio of rejections to successes? The only obvious part is once again the judgement passes is completely superficial. As the fun guys, many I have found to be fairly apathetic because they are so insular, their knowledge of the world around them is limited so when they sit and try debate, I enjoy a good debate but in all honestly these sorts of guys end up looking quite silly indeed. But hey they are fun, who cares of you bf doesn't know where Palestine is or who is the UK prime minister. So yes they can drink and carry on and laugh, seemingly this impresses ladies no end so I don't bother competing with that, why should I to be honest. The crux of their argument is "well you might know more than me but I will get laid and you wont" which is suppose is true but if I had to choose I'd still prefer to have the knowledge over getting laid.

What is fun, nobody answers that question either, to me its body surfing a great wave, a nice lunch or dinner, a nice road trip, its not going to sit in some bar, dancing or worse still going to some music festival.

So you tell me what sort of women I should go for? Bearing in mind its become very clear to me that men must put in ALL of the effort, women put in nothing, texting is also apparently too much trouble unless the guy texts first.

Why do I look for the people I do, because I just want a good experience once, I know exactly what I want, once I get them I doubt I could be bothered with chasing women at all. I could very easily get that experience if I paid but there is no accomplishment in that at all. I cant say the person actually liked me and that's what I boils down to, I simply want to for ONCE have mutual attraction, that's all I am looking for.

[chillii]

Forget bars and festivals , your not gonna find your lost cat at the dog kennels are ya. The girls going for those guys wouldn't even be into you anyway or probably you them either, so they're totally irrelevant . She probably won't even be there in the first place let alone all over those guys. And the type of woman l'd meet at a math lecture is 99% sure gonna bore me to tears too, but someone else will love her. 

For sure if still do you wanna get anywhere you've not only gotta hone in your picker , a lot , and focus on the type of girl that might actually suit you but you've gotta start looking in the right places too.

[ZA Dater]

5 hours ago, chillii said:

Forget bars and festivals , your not gonna find your lost cat at the dog kennels are ya. The girls going for those guys wouldn't even be into you anyway or probably you them either, so they're totally irrelevant . She probably won't even be there in the first place let alone all over those guys. And the type of woman l'd meet at a math lecture is 99% sure gonna bore me to tears too, but someone else will love her. 

For sure if still do you wanna get anywhere you've not only gotta hone in your picker , a lot , and focus on the type of girl that might actually suit you but you've gotta start looking in the right places too.

Where would the right place be? I have asked this question and I get answers like "bookshop", "store", 'coffee shop". I have ladies very uninterested in cold approaches, the BEST way it would seem is to have lot of friends and meet someone that way, I don't have lots of friends so that's not an option and the friends I do have there are options there. Seemingly here its either bars, club, festivals and sport.

I like the political analyst I met last year, unfortunately she didn't like me, I liked the horse riding instructor and ditto, my point is the only way to access people is via OLD and everyone knows the problems with OLD. I would have been very happy to spend more time with either of those ladies but they didn't want to so. Which is where I get irritated because I get the most unattractive matches virtually throwing themselves at but the ones I actually like aren't interested at all.

In both of those case a lack of experience pretty much killed it, the one lady had the good grace to actually tell me that "it would seem you don't know how to date" and for that she gets me respect. I can admire such honesty.

 

 

[chillii]

The right places , l dunno , you can figure that out you know best what your into and what your type of people do.. But you can keep using date sites too just look more at what they're about in their profiles and whether that suits you or not, look for people that suit you.The matches thing l still never get what people are banging on about with those , back when l was using a date site l never even looked at the matches they sent me most of them were ridiculous. l set the search thing up to what l like and looked through profiles and galleries myself and found my own and contacted those.

Wouldn't put much in that cold approach thing that rarely amounted to anything for me either back when. Most of the women round the forum too seem to say they'd prefer to be a little bit familiar with a guy first anyway so it'd better at least just meeting them somehow and at least a bit of convo first  l mean that can happen out and about sure but it's pretty rare unless it;d be a guy that goes looking for it . l dunno , social situations or some of those events you do or, what about some of the meetup things people talk about any of those around .

As far as her liking you , well we all face that , women too, it's pretty common for everyone to be pretty keen on someone sometime but they just don't like ya back happens to all of us. l know you get more than you share but that's even more reason why you have to look at the right types

 

Edited February 5, 2020 by chillii

[Foxhall]

Yes agreeing that finding the right places is important,

bars and so on are clearly not your scene, so getting to an environment where you feel more comfortable for a start,

business starts ups- how to be an entrepreneur, you could even set up a meetup group on the basis of that,

I suppose a lot of "rejection" from our female friends does scar or can scar a man mentally, you understandably get sucked into a negative mindset,

I imagine your main problem is you sabotage yourself in female company, you start talking about women in a negative way, your body language appears unhappy, in the back of your mind you have been rejected in the past so you expect that to be the case again,

you perhaps take it a step further and start talking about yourself in a negative way, telling them youve never had a women before and similar remarks,

women are a lot more ruthless or devious than guys really- a lot less tolerant- -so anything negative and its bye bye.

all positivity- how well your life is going/ how you have built up your business, everything is great,

then listen to the woman, what are her interests, what does she enjoy, hopefully you will find some common ground then and maybe someone you will want to see again,

"saying nothing negative to a woman, all positivity next time.

 

 

[ZA Dater]

9 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Yes agreeing that finding the right places is important,

bars and so on are clearly not your scene, so getting to an environment where you feel more comfortable for a start

I suppose a lot of "rejection" from our female friends does scar or can scar a man mentally, you understandably get sucked into a negative mindset,

I imagine your main problem is you sabotage yourself in female company, you start talking about women in a negative way, your body language appears unhappy, in the back of your mind you have been rejected in the past so you expect that to be the case again,

so anything negative and its bye bye.

all positivity- how well your life is going/ how you have built up your business, everything is great,

then listen to the woman, what are her interests, what does she enjoy, hopefully you will find some common ground then and maybe someone you will want to see again,

"saying nothing negative to a woman, all positivity next time.

 

I try this with every date, unless I really don't like the person then I do self sabotage it which happens often really. I have no idea where the right places are to meet people, I like cars, ladies, don't, ultimately none of my interests are ones which appeal to ladies at all. The VAST majority of ladies do like going out they do like clubs, they do like bars so honestly I reduce my pool by 95% by not going to those places.

Sure, its bye because ladies can choose, some guys can too but how many really can get who they want? I try sell myself on dates but there is never really any glue to bind things together, I have such an odd life story that most cant relate to much that I say which is yet another problem add shyness, add inexperience and add awkwardness and its no surprise my dates go nowhere.

Sure, I am fairly bitter and in my view I have plenty of reason to be, its hugely irritating to look at my life at nearly 36 and realise I have never experienced what 99% of people have. Why cant I find mutual attraction, why do I get these terrible matches, why do dates that go well never translate into anything more. I ask myself these questions often, retreat to the fact I am good person in my own mind but that's usually scant consolation.

What do I pick? Do I just simply force myself to like someone I don't if she likes me, to me that's the very definition of desperation. Do I try force myself to accept I wont ever find anyone attractive who is interested in me, in which case I might as well just give up and go down the pay road based on the fact I'd have exhausted most ides of actually trying to find someone normally.

I don't think there is anything off with me but the fact remains I grew up thinking a certain way about dating, everything I believed has proven to be completely wrong. In some respects I think I am being punished for not actually making more of the opportunities in had in senior high because when I look back I haven't really had any ladies chase me since then.

 

[basil67]

Seeking to connect over interests is one of the things you’re doing wrong.  The other thing you’re doing wrong is summing up women as just liking bars and clubs.   Sure, many do enjoy that, but they also have personal interests.   Back to my first sentence, mutual interests can be useful for making an initial conversation.  I can have a conversation about V8 Supercars, but I’ll use it as a tool to find other discussion points.  

If you were to meet me, you’d discover that I like domestic arts (quilting, dressmaking, corset making, papercraft) genealogy, history and going clubbing with goths (sober) and dance to goth music.  You could ask about these topics, but you need to have a conversational skill set which will get you further than hobby small talk and into casual conversation.  

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Seeking to connect over interests is one of the things you’re doing wrong.  The other thing you’re doing wrong is summing up women as just liking bars and clubs.   Sure, many do enjoy that, but they also have personal interests.   Back to my first sentence, mutual interests can be useful for making an initial conversation.  I can have a conversation about V8 Supercars, but I’ll use it as a tool to find other discussion points.  

If you were to meet me, you’d discover that I like domestic arts (quilting, dressmaking, corset making, papercraft) genealogy, history and going clubbing with goths (sober) and dance to goth music.  You could ask about these topics, but you need to have a conversational skill set which will get you further than hobby small talk and into casual conversation.  

Agree and that's the thing I can have a decent conversation on dates, that's not an issue. I just get nowhere. If there is no mutual interest then why would I want to spend time with the person? Again another thing is there is never interest in me....not even a question.

What it feels like is I put in all the effort but get nothing out because she wasn't interested from the outset, here I mean there is never much of an interest in friend either but I suppose people don't join dating sites to find friends.

For example your interests would make it possible to have a conversation, most dates I go on, these people apparently don't have any interests.

I always get the sense when I go on a date I am being rated against that persons pre conceived ideas which is fine because we all do that to some extent but I guess I am just so far away from what people are used to that well I become instantly unappealing, that's a very difficult problem to try and solve. Again I need to figure out how to

1: get decent matches

2: actually have people interested in me.

I need 2 because its IMPOSSIBLE to make someone like you, they either do or they don't.

[Miss Spider]

6 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Agree and that's the thing I can have a decent conversation on dates, that's not an issue. I just get nowhere. If there is no mutual interest then why would I want to spend time with the person? Again another thing is there is never interest in me....not even a question.

What it feels like is I put in all the effort but get nothing out because she wasn't interested from the outset, here I mean there is never much of an interest in friend either but I suppose people don't join dating sites to find friends.

For example your interests would make it possible to have a conversation, most dates I go on, these people apparently don't have any interests.

I always get the sense when I go on a date I am being rated against that persons pre conceived ideas which is fine because we all do that to some extent but I guess I am just so far away from what people are used to that well I become instantly unappealing, that's a very difficult problem to try and solve. Again I need to figure out how to

1: get decent matches

2: actually have people interested in me.

I need 2 because its IMPOSSIBLE to make someone like you, they either do or they don't.

Well people like people due to certain characteristics they see in or project onto the person, so it stands to reason that if you can exhibit these things you can “make” someone like you. But  you won’t take the advice about what interests women because it’s changing yourself too much and you don’t want to change. So yea, it’s all moot. 

Edited February 6, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[preraph]

He's what is known in psychology as a help-rejecting complainer. Just posted a link to the psychology today article about it right here under this same topic, In Search Of. 

[chillii]

The reason l'd say things in common are so important with za , is that he doesn't like this that or anything else, and he's rigid and uptight and extremely straight living , so he's gonna need someone a bit like minded, like living , or nothings ever gonna get anywhere. So things or more so thoughts you could say , feelings , views in common are the best and most obvious / logical way of finding someone that fits.

At least some of that's important for any relationship or how the hell you even gonna exist together but much more so for someone like za.The average women is just gonna do what they all keep  doing. For example l live an unusual life and l'm an unusual person , so is my gf and so was my ex w, wouldn't last 5mins or her with me either with some stock run of the mill type. No brainer.

Edited February 6, 2020 by chillii

[serene53]

I very much doubt that the appearance is the issue here. I very much dislike the overall negativity. Also talking about the women. It is not helping. I get a lot of men who only want to date me for sex. However, it is the majority and not all men.

A date with you doesn't promise to be fun as you rant all the time. If you want to succeed with anybody you need to stop generalizing, stop portraying yourself as the victim of whoever. Try to find humor in your life, don't take everything so seriously. That is attractive. It is enough to make a living, you need not make a fortune. You may notice how lucky you are altogether. Appreciate your health etc.

It may also help to find out what you like. That will give you an air of fun. Perpetual complaints will not get you a partner. 

As I like reading I just talk to men who are reading a book. You can also find something as an excuse to start talking to someone.

[Interstellar]

I have a buddy, and he has this skin condition that’s all over his face and entire body. He was born with it. He’s a heckuva guy, he’s got a great personality and funny. He’s real tough and confident on the exterior but also a really nice guy. But he doesn’t let it affect him on the inside. He’s always positive. Sure, people may look at him and be grossed out by him but he’s probably used to it and it doesn’t bother him. You can’t tell me that your situation is worst than him. And oh, he’s also short. Probably 5’5. But his personality is 6’5. He has every reason to throw in the towel. What you need is an attitude adjustment. Your mindset is holding you back tremendously, and that reflects on your personality. Let the ladies talk about themselves, they go into a trance when they talk about themselves anyway. So be curious, and throw in a funny once a while. And don’t forget to open doors, pull chairs, etc...for them

[NuevoYorko]

Yup.  Looks are all that matter.  Just take a look around you on any given day.  The only people who are together are gorgeous. Especially at Walmart.  All the not gorgeous people are single.

Brilliant observation.  Keep up the good work.

[ZA Dater]

On 2/6/2020 at 9:12 PM, Cookiesandough said:

Well people like people due to certain characteristics they see in or project onto the person, so it stands to reason that if you can exhibit these things you can “make” someone like you. But  you won’t take the advice about what interests women because it’s changing yourself too much and you don’t want to change. So yea, it’s all moot. 

Why should I change when the results will be the same. What people aren't understanding here is I am using OLD, so I can have whatever personality but it doesn't matter. 

I have changed style, changed hair, tried to project positivity but it's always the same net result. They are not interested in me. So because of that I have two choices.

1: feel terrible about it and feel worthless.

2: don't care about it and carry on even though I know the problem won't go away.

All I am really chasing is mutual attraction, nothing else. However it would seem good conversation and I have had a good few does not actually lead to any sort of attraction.

[ZA Dater]

On 2/7/2020 at 7:26 AM, NuevoYorko said:

Yup.  Looks are all that matter.  Just take a look around you on any given day.  The only people who are together are gorgeous. Especially at Walmart.  All the not gorgeous people are single.

Brilliant observation.  Keep up the good work.

You cannot tell me the blond athletic tall guy will struggle as much as that short stocky guy.

Sure if I wanted to date obese people I have no shortage of matches of those.

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Sure if I wanted to date obese people I have no shortage of matches of those.

But you don't want to.  So yes, this is a case in point that looks matter.   What we put out is what we get back - it's Karma