Searching realities

[serene53]

Well, I am also looking for mutual attraction and have been living on my own for a long time. I get to date intelligent and slim guys, the attraction part is missing, though. I am living life with the possibility that I may remain on my own for good. And yet, I am not envious of anybody. You don't know what life has in store for them. They may suffer an illness, lose their beloved ones etc. 

Also, every time I am sick I see how good life is when I am healthy. I am changing things which are in my power, i.e. start a new hobby, meet new people etc.

Ultimately, no one knows what the future holds for anyone, so there is no use saying that it doesn't matter what you do. For one, it definitely helps to have positive thoughts as they cheer you up. Believing in something has a lot of power, be it only for the present  situation. If you ask yourself how to best come  to terms with life, what would be the answer?

[NuevoYorko]

10 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

You cannot tell me the blond athletic tall guy will struggle as much as that short stocky guy.

Sure if I wanted to date obese people I have no shortage of matches of those.

Are you telling me that every human you see who is not "beautiful" is paired up with an obese person?  Son, I'm afraid you're delusional.

And your aversion to "struggling" to get what you want when others have it easier?  That's a very entitled attitude and not one I can have an ounce of sympathy for.  It's up to you, of course, and it speaks volumes as to where you are in your social / dating life today.   

[jspice]

I’ve gone back to school for a second postgrad degree. The locals get federal loans and all kinds of scholarships. There’s not a single source of funding for me plus I pay more than double what they pay. 
 

I’ve tried several ways to get even a little bit of money to defray the cost. Nothing. 
I could sit back and complain about it and wait for someone to give me the same money the others get but where would that get me? 
 

at the moment I have three jobs and about to add a fourth, in addition to school work. I want this degree so I’m doing what it takes to get it. I’m just a number to them. They go on whether I’m there or not. 
 

You need to stop this. There are a plethora of reasons you don’t get dates, all of which are discussed here, none of which you accept. 
Yes, it’s your look. But looks are secondary to character. You’re judgemental, you don’t sound like a whole of fun, and you think you’re better than others. You’re stubborn. 
nobody cares if you can debate. I don’t want someone who’s going to argue every point I want to make. I also don’t want to watch you debate anyone else. 
 

You’ve gotten answers over and over but you want to sit back and wait for it to come to you ... in Camps Bay. 🙄
That’s not realistic, but you know that. 

[chillii]

5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Are you telling me that every human you see who is not "beautiful" is paired up with an obese person?  Son, I'm afraid you're delusional.

And your aversion to "struggling" to get what you want when others have it easier?  That's a very entitled attitude and not one I can have an ounce of sympathy for.  It's up to you, of course, and it speaks volumes as to where you are in your social / dating life today.   

 

Yep , bout it.

The really bizarre part is you'd be one of the few people za who can keep thread after thread going 20 pages over and over but beating the same drum, yet people keep trying.  That's a rare talent all it's own right there so ya should be able to get a woman to stick around.

 

 

 

 

Edited February 8, 2020 by chillii

[NuevoYorko]

Reading through this,  I'm getting the strong impression that you are harboring a pretty vicious hatred towards women in general.  You might want to work through that before you continue trying to get dates.  

[preraph]

20 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

You cannot tell me the blond athletic tall guy will struggle as much as that short stocky guy.

Sure if I wanted to date obese people I have no shortage of matches of those.

I wouldn't be too sure with your attitude. I think you'd be surprised to get rejected by quite a few fat women who value something more than looks once they talkef to you for a while.

Edited February 9, 2020 by preraph

[ZA Dater]

15 hours ago, preraph said:

I wouldn't be too sure with your attitude. I think you'd be surprised to get rejected by quite a few fat women who value something more than looks once they talkef to you for a while.

I have plenty of obese women keen to meet up in fact that's pretty much the only matches I get so that's pretty telling I think. They don't interest me so there is no point in having any conversation at all, however those in the past I chatted to all had lots of baggage.

[preraph]

As do you.

[ZA Dater]

On ‎2‎/‎8‎/‎2020 at 7:18 PM, NuevoYorko said:

Are you telling me that every human you see who is not "beautiful" is paired up with an obese person?  Son, I'm afraid you're delusional.

And your aversion to "struggling" to get what you want when others have it easier?  That's a very entitled attitude and not one I can have an ounce of sympathy for.  It's up to you, of course, and it speaks volumes as to where you are in your social / dating life today.   

You know exactly what I am saying but simply choose to adopt the most radical point of view for emphasis. Many people struggle, millions do in fact, millions die alone, millions never find love, many resort to being virtual hermits. I suppose you will go on and tell me that's their problem alone and the that the world of dating is all champagne and oysters.

Not sure where you get entitled from, I am just making a very logical point, the better looking you are the better choice you have, of course I suppose you can choose to force yourself to like what you don't, convince yourself you can do no better, convince yourself its ok and well my argument that people do this is supported by the huge number of people who divorce. I don't like the choice I have because I know there is better, how to get better is a mute point really.

 

[ZA Dater]

On ‎2‎/‎8‎/‎2020 at 8:27 PM, jspice said:

at the moment I have three jobs and about to add a fourth, in addition to school work. I want this degree so I’m doing what it takes to get it. I’m just a number to them. They go on whether I’m there or not. 

You need to stop this. There are a plethora of reasons you don’t get dates, all of which are discussed here, none of which you accept. 
Yes, it’s your look. But looks are secondary to character. You’re judgemental, you don’t sound like a whole of fun, and you think you’re better than others. You’re stubborn. 
nobody cares if you can debate. I don’t want someone who’s going to argue every point I want to make. I also don’t want to watch you debate anyone else. 

You’ve gotten answers over and over but you want to sit back and wait for it to come to you ... in Camps Bay. 🙄
That’s not realistic, but you know that. 

Good of you I can admire a never give up approach, its exactly the approach I follow in life

Which is exactly what I did with dating. I threw what I had with it, created profile after profile, pointed out what I was good at, what I liked and had to offer, played on the positive and yet...basically never got any attractive matches. Sure I once did actually meet someone at an event but was too stupid/inexperienced to pick up the hints she apparently was sending out, I know this because she matched with me a day later on a dating site. We chatted but as usual never went anywhere and never met up either.

Its easy for you to tell me what you don't want but what do you actually want? Look I am realistic I stand absolutely NO chance of ever actually spending time with people I do find attractive and I need to live with this reality each day, sure I can see that attractive person but I know she wont ever choose me for all the reasons you list and more besides, I cant change the very fundamentals that are me, I do enjoy debating, I don't drink, I do enjoy intelligent conversation, I don't enjoy small talk, I do enjoy movies, I don't enjoy sci-fi, I love fast cars, I don't enjoy traffic, I always look for the next challenge and rarely celebrate a success and I do enjoy current affairs. I have watched people and yes its made me jaded because frankly I don't match up and wont ever match up so all I continually do is try and do the impossible when it comes to dating because as with most aspects of life I try to do the impossible/very difficult which is why when people say to me "well settle for her" it doesn't sit so well because its not only I don't want that, I also don't want easy either.

I don't doubt that if I did find some success I'd probably find the whole thing rather underwhelming but by the same token if I don't try I don't know. Truthfully I grew up thinking many things which all proved to be wrong, never more so than when it came to dating.

Someone said I look at mutual interests, this is simple because in my mind there needs to be some common ground, you all forget you are talking to someone who has never dated, never bought any non family a gift, never been on holiday with anyone but family, someone who hasn't really had much affection ever shown toward him, someone who had some pretty bad dating experiences but no good ones to offset them. However, I am also someone who likes helping, like giving, likes giving advice, is hugely loyal, is very supportive, very good at dealing with conflict. SO in my mind I have good qualities but they are not sellable qualities, the lack of fun well blame that on pretty much having very few friends and interests which never ever synched with those around me.

I regret a lot and the things that keeps me awake: the thought I wasted my life, never had any real connections with women, could never really experience those things, everything with dating is a struggle and I just never ever, no matter what I do seem to get any better at it, nor do I get any better experiences.

So yes I read this advice and then try and relate it to my life and it never quite fits no matter how I try and fit in and apply it because I always get the sense I am being judged, the awkwardness shows, the inexperience shows and I am pretty much done before the person even gets to know me and you know what I understand that, there are lots of guys to choose from, none have my issues and all mostly offer more so here I sit lamenting: a life wasted and unchangeable decisions made.

 

[elaine567]

29 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I have plenty of obese women keen to meet up in fact that's pretty much the only matches I get so that's pretty telling I think.

Yes it tells you where you are in the league of desirability. Unfortunately many who struggle, will click on everyone, so thinking you are some sort of a pin up to struggling women is probably not true.
BUT saying that
The bare bones of your looks are fine,  stop  blaming your looks, that isn't the issue.
The presentation is just not good enough for the kind of woman you aspire to.
If that is the best pic you have then...get some better pics, professionally taken if necessary. Outdoorsy, smart casual and formal. Give an insight into your life and who you are and what she can expect if she dates you.
Sell yourself. 

For instance blue eyes are great, many women love blue eyes,  the eyes are the window to the soul, but we can't even see your eyes in the pic...

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

 Many people struggle, millions do in fact, millions die alone, millions never find love, many resort to being virtual hermits. 

MOST people struggle.  SOME people make a career of it, and blame it on the "unfairness" of the world, and believe that everyone else has it better.  Generally speaking, people with this type of attitude are not very appealing regardless of what they look like.   

I suppose you will go on and tell me that's their problem alone and the that the world of dating is all champagne and oysters.

No I won't.  There are many people not only "struggling" but SUFFERING in the world of dating and out of it, including attractive looking people, fat women and women in general.  You are self absorbed to a herculean extreme and not interested in other people.  That's one of the reasons you fail to connect.  

Not sure where you get entitled from, I am just making a very logical point, the better looking you are the better choice you have, of course I suppose you can choose to force yourself to like what you don't, convince yourself you can do no better, convince yourself its ok and well my argument that people do this is supported by the huge number of people who divorce. I don't like the choice I have because I know there is better, how to get better is a mute point really.

I've discussed this with you before.  You speak of women as if they are products and you are the consumer.  That's entitled.  Maybe you can "get better" if you do some internal work on yourself.  Meanwhile, as a divorced person and friend of other divorced people (including my ex wife), I can assure you that most divorces don't occur because the people involved could have "got better" in the looks department, or any other department.  Divorces are complicated.  You'd have to posses some basic interest in how human relationships work in order to get this. Meanwhile,  maybe it would be a good learning experience for you to try to date some of these horrid fat ladies you're always insulting on here.  I predict that you'll have the same experiences with them as you have with the gorgeous hotties you pursue.  You need to be likable for people to like you - even fat people.

\

Quote

 

 

Edited February 9, 2020 by NuevoYorko

[ZA Dater]

32 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Yes it tells you where you are in the league of desirability. Unfortunately many who struggle, will click on everyone, so thinking you are some sort of a pin up to struggling women is probably not true.
BUT saying that
The bare bones of your looks are fine,  stop  blaming your looks, that isn't the issue.
The presentation is just not good enough for the kind of woman you aspire to.
If that is the best pic you have then...get some better pics, professionally taken if necessary. Outdoorsy, smart casual and formal. Give an insight into your life and who you are and what she can expect if she dates you.
Sell yourself. 

For instance blue eyes are great, many women love blue eyes,  the eyes are the window to the soul, but we can't even see your eyes in the pic...

I have done the professional formal picture thing...I match with exactly the same people over and over again. I have tried the bio thing over and over again so the reality is I don't think OLD will work for me at all, sure I met two nice people last year but none the prior year at all so. I put some of the best pictures of me on my profile and its always the same.

Even pictures I think are good, the casual type of picture don't really work, I don't enjoy pictures either so that does not help matters.

I can say this, it must be great to have mutual attraction.

[jspice]

Precisely! You haven’t been successful at dating! But you pooh pooh everyone’s advice and they’ve all been in successful relationships. So why not just start afresh and try again? 
For what it’s worth, I agree with you that dating and life coaches are crap. 

There is something missing in you, something you need to fix. Not to date but for your own sake. It took me a long time to find the right psychologist  I went to a few and the last one just got me .

 

You try something once and throw your hands in the air, “This is rubbish! It doesn’t work!”

If you like debating, join toastmasters  don’t join it to meet anyone. join it because you like it. I don’t like science fiction. In fact, I think movie dates are the worst things ever. I like trying new foods.

 

I’ve always dated men who love movie dates and have very basic food tastes. But they try my cooking and end up loving whatever I make. I’ll go to the movies with them and I have found a few I didn’t quite mine. Even enjoyed some. 
 

Seriously, I’m telling you what you need to do. After this I won’t comment on another thread of yours.

You need to retrain your brain. 

1. Get off dating apps and sites. Stop looking for 6 months.

2. Get online and find a good psychologist. These days you can find reviews for anything online. What do you need? Psychologists have different specialties. Read about what they do. Pick a few that stand out to you. Go and see them. Choose one that feels like a fit. Not one who’s going to agree with you but one who will challenge you. 
be prepared to be in it for the long haul.

 

3. Stop looking for women in bars and clubs. Just stop.

i don’t drink. None of my friends drink really apart from an occasional glass of something. And none are so childish as to pressure anyone to drink. Even when we were at varsity, nobody got fall down drunk.

 

4. Expand your horizons. I don’t hang out in Camps Bay precisely because it’s a weird drink/ party vibe. I do love the beach and there are beautiful sunsets. But you don’t have to be at a bar to enjoy it. 
 

5. Choose better friends. The ones you have now are idiots. In high school I won a general knowledge contest. I beat out the entire school. My friends still remember that and cheer for me. I’d long forgotten it. They don’t try to change me. They can dance so well. I have two left feet. 
I have had to let go of many “friends” too when I realised they didn’t have my best interests at heart. 
 

6. Be somebody that other people want to be around. Not necessarily to date. Stop being condescending about fat women, single mothers and any other group you deem below you. It’s rude.

 

7. Stop complaining. It’s unattractive. There are a thousand men who don’t want me. I move on. 
 

You can continue to”lament” your life or you can pull your finger out, dare to do things differently and start living.

 

[ZA Dater]

11 hours ago, jspice said:

Precisely! You haven’t been successful at dating! But you pooh pooh everyone’s advice and they’ve all been in successful relationships. So why not just start afresh and try again? 
For what it’s worth, I agree with you that dating and life coaches are crap. 

There is something missing in you, something you need to fix. Not to date but for your own sake. It took me a long time to find the right psychologist  I went to a few and the last one just got me .

 

You try something once and throw your hands in the air, “This is rubbish! It doesn’t work!”

If you like debating, join toastmasters  don’t join it to meet anyone. join it because you like it. I don’t like science fiction. In fact, I think movie dates are the worst things ever. I like trying new foods.

 

I’ve always dated men who love movie dates and have very basic food tastes. But they try my cooking and end up loving whatever I make. I’ll go to the movies with them and I have found a few I didn’t quite mine. Even enjoyed some. 
 

Seriously, I’m telling you what you need to do. After this I won’t comment on another thread of yours.

You need to retrain your brain. 

 

 

I am going on a date a friend of mine is setting up with an au pair. I might as well go and see what comes of it, on the face of it she is more my non party type of person and I have had some interaction with her before, she has a masters degree so is pretty smart it would appear. Most of what you say is right, there is no argument against it, I will however not do the shrink idea, I have been to them and honestly the most worthwhile time I had with one was a date I went on with one!

You right I probably need to find a more balanced life which people actually like. I am torn really about what I actually want.

My Camps Bay quip was more because I wanted to illustrate a point, I don't generally go out at all. I have done my time going out on my own, its not a very pleasant experience.

 

[Envy123]

I tend to attract women who I am not attracted to. It may seem like I'm going for women who are way better looking than me, but no, I get rejected by women who I think are on my attraction level and accepted by women who I think are on a higher level.

All of this just tells me that compatibility is not based on looks, but demographics/personality instead. I come across as the "free spirit" type, so I attract the "free spirit" type. But I do not travel as much as the women I am trying to attract and they likely don't see the compatibility with me.

 

[thecrucible]

I agree with @jspice. You sometimes have to take a break to freshen things up. 

Looks don't matter btw. No one is saying that you have to date someone you're unattracted to. Good looking women experience plenty of struggles too. I don't count myself among them anymore as I've put on weight. When I was slimmer and more attractive, I may have had more choice of dates but I had some bad experiences with guys too.

I guarantee that it's the attitude that turns people off more than anything. Practice some more positivity with people platonically too and you'll be surprised at the different it makes to how you connect with others. Loosen up a bit, be less serious and let them see your fun side. You said you don't do small talk but when done right, small talk is a great way to start building a connection.

[ZA Dater]

6 hours ago, thecrucible said:

I agree with @jspice. You sometimes have to take a break to freshen things up. 

Looks don't matter btw. No one is saying that you have to date someone you're unattracted to. Good looking women experience plenty of struggles too. I don't count myself among them anymore as I've put on weight. When I was slimmer and more attractive, I may have had more choice of dates but I had some bad experiences with guys too.

I guarantee that it's the attitude that turns people off more than anything. Practice some more positivity with people platonically too and you'll be surprised at the different it makes to how you connect with others. Loosen up a bit, be less serious and let them see your fun side. You said you don't do small talk but when done right, small talk is a great way to start building a connection.

I don't have a fun side. Looks seemingly don't matter to good looking people because as you mentioned you had more choice which basically underlines the point I am trying to make. On reflection I think I am just a person who doesn't really connect.

[Miss Spider]

Dating a super good looking guy who is not fun at all sounds pretty dreadful. . I think that you might be an exception in that you don’t care if a girl is no fun /super serious. Most people want to be around people who amuse them. For anything more than a hook up, at least. Sad, but true. It might be a problem

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Dating a super good looking guy who is not fun at all sounds pretty dreadful. . I think that you might be an exception in that you don’t care if a girl is no fun /super serious. Most people want to be around people who amuse them. For anything more than a hook up, at least. Sad, but true. It might be a problem

I have no doubt its a problem a fairly fundamental one at that. I don't think I am that good looking either, no better and nor worse than everyone else I guess in that regard. Honestly I don't know what fun would be. Sure I can do dry humour but that's a difficult sell for most.

Fun for me is catching a great wave, enjoyment is a nice sunset, fun can be a conversation, I have no doubt fun could be a holiday with someone you get along well with, exploring new places.

You make a good point though, maybe its this which prevents any sort of connection. I am extremely set on trying to accomplish certain things which I guess makes me intense, what would be nice is for someone to bring an add on to my life, be it an interesting interest, a different point of view but this seems quite hard to find.

The reality for me is stark, I am trying to sell attributes nobody is interested in and trying to get attributes EVERY guy seems to want, I do describe dating as window shopping which I guess is true for me because deep down I know I can probably talk to that pretty lady I see at the coffee shop but the reality is I know I have nothing she will want when I look around at what others offer. For most of my life my goal has been to be my own person which I suppose was a mistake, I'd have been a lot better at dating if I had chosen to fit in.

 

[Pat77]

You just need to lighten/loosen up a little.. I understand you’re  not gonna change who you are completely.. I’m not saying become the life of the party guy but try to lighten up and find humor in some things.. Don’t be so serious all the time..Nobody wants to be around someone who’s serious and on edge all the time..

[ZA Dater]

On ‎2‎/‎14‎/‎2020 at 5:46 PM, Pat77 said:

You just need to lighten/loosen up a little.. I understand you’re  not gonna change who you are completely.. I’m not saying become the life of the party guy but try to lighten up and find humor in some things.. Don’t be so serious all the time..Nobody wants to be around someone who’s serious and on edge all the time..

I do try.

However after this latest date I think I am just going to cut my losses with the whole thing called dating and just move on. I don't feel well suited to it at all and this latest experience has me really thinking there is just no way I can ever find the type of person I actually like.

Ultimately there are things in life I want more than dating.

[Miss Spider]

You’ll be back to dating. I feel the same way >no way I can ever find the person I like so why try< but sooner or later I’m back trying. It’s like a mental illness. Deep down we need this 

Edited February 17, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

You’ll be back to dating. I feel the same way >no way I can ever find the person I like so why try< but sooner or later I’m back trying. It’s like a mental illness. Deep down we need this 

I just feel very down today for a whole variety of reasons. Its very hard to describe but its as if the realities of life all conspired to hit me on the same day and I truly realised how little control we actually have over what happens. When it comes to dating I can actually look back on quite a few nice experiences which aren't really dates, the time I spend with K, for whatever I have or haven't done in life so far I am lucky to have someone like that around.

All I can do each day is try be a better me.

[Miss Spider]

Sorry you’re feeling down. I understand. Who is k? Could a case of unrequited interest be holding you back? 

 

Edited February 17, 2020 by Cookiesandough