cocopuffs239 Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 Tl;dr at bottom Been a long time since I posted here... So I met this girl like 3 years ago, in the process we became really good friends about 1-1 1/2 years in(like the kind that you talk/share about how you're both f**king someone else), so I got to see how she was with her bf/s.o. she had her moments of crazy. Speed forward she told me about 6 months ago she had feelings for me, at the time I had a crush on someone else(things didnt work out with the crush) so I told her to give me a lil bit of time for me to get over this other crush so I could consider dating her...she didnt take it very well had a break down about...eventually me and her start dating. Now to the problem I need advice for lol... It kind of started when she wanted me to delete the crush I had on my snapchat...I tried telling her I (at the time) hadn't spoken to the crush in 6 months, my crush was long out of my mind when she asked me to do such thing, I told her I don't delete people, also that I feel it's not my place nor hers to say who can and can't be on either of our social media.(her perspective was she felt her as a threat to our relationship because I needed time to get over her in the beginning) which I could understand but also made very clear I hadn't spoken to her in a long time and that I was over her....but w.e.... she works in a guys field and gets hit on constantly, she had 2 guys tell her they liked her which she told me. She also told them she was with someone and they still hit on her. So I said I'll delete her if you delete them, it turned into a huge deal that she didnt want to. Eventually we both agreed and deleted them. She has this issue where when she's upset she'll threaten to break up, iv talked to her about many times. My thought is you should be an adult and work through the problems instead of hitting the eject when your upset...told her that many times, so we fake"broke up" and she re added them to her social media...at that point I was like wtf? After talks she deleted them again. So the reason this break up happened was cuz I didnt see her on a day I never see her and the day before I cancelled plans with friends to see her cuz she really wanted to(so imo not a reason to throw a tantrum) Speed forward a few days, she threaten to break up I told her if she didnt want to be an adult and be a child I'd treat her like one. What I planned on doing was not seeing her every time she threatened to break up, and every time she did I wouldn't see her longer until she was completely out of my life. Now to the juicy part lol... Since I didnt see her say she came over yesterday demanding to go inside my house to talk, I said no I had to go to work, she got out of her car jumped in mine, pulled up her phone said look there was someone named Matt and she voice dictated a text "Matt can you come over to f*** me tonight" she then proceeded to rip my work papers, I said "wow were really over" and she then slapped me and walked away.... At this point she's blowing up my phone saying sorry she called me about 100 times (no exaggeration) she really seems sorry... What should I do? I told her i would be ok with fwb but not be together. I do care about her but don't want stuff like this to happen again and I could see it happening. Did I do the right thing by ending it? What can I do to make things better? Should I give her another shot? Should I stay fwb until I know it's ok to be together again? Should I end and never look back? Do you guys think I did the right thing? Tl;dr: girl acts crazy, she's deep in love with me, she does a lot of good for me (didnt really mention the good) I care about her as well, on the flip side she seems controlling and she can be verbally abusive and for the first time she was physical and slapped me over me kind of ignoring her for last couple days(been a rough couple weeks) what should I do?
AIJ Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 It sounds like you're both fairly immature. In all honesty, if I'd been asked to remove a former interest of mine whom I no longer talk to/care about to make my girlfriend feel more secure then I would have no issue in doing so. But everything following on from that just screams red flags. It isn't going to work now or in the future. Move on and don't look back. 1
Author cocopuffs239 Posted January 26, 2020 Author Posted January 26, 2020 9 minutes ago, AIJ said: It sounds like you're both fairly immature. In all honesty, if I'd been asked to remove a former interest of mine whom I no longer talk to/care about to make my girlfriend feel more secure then I would have no issue in doing so. But everything following on from that just screams red flags. It isn't going to work now or in the future. Move on and don't look back. I see...so you think it was wrong of me to ask her to delete the people that hit on her? And what makes you think it won't work in the future? Don't you think you should have confidence that your better than the last girl and shouldn't see her as a threat specially if I didn't speak to her? Or am I looking at it the wrong way?
Beendaredonedat Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 (edited) Quote What should I do? How about you break up with her and never talk to her again. Then start your inner reflection to figure out why you needed to ask this question to a forum full of strangers when the answer is obvious to any one who actually has a good sense of self and is confident in their own value. This so called relationship is a disaster of toxic quagmire. Surely you know this??? Get out and stay out. If you can't get over your addiction to her drama then get yourself the professional advice as it will give you proof that you need more help than a forum board of laymen strangers can provide. During your inner reflection you should ask yourself why you would want to be with a chica that texts another guy to come **** her. Good grief! Edited January 26, 2020 by Beendaredonedat 1
preraph Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 So was your crush a business associate? Because if hers are business associates, it might not even be possible for her to delete them. Business associates often schmooze each other too, though there should be boundaries. She just got good and mad at you and had a little tantrum. I mean, she did wait for you forever being in love with you and you not choosing her, so she's invested more. And you're fooling no one. You are clearly leaving the door open for that crush, no matter if you are contacting her or not. I do agree that it's important that you come up with rules about social media together and agree on them and both adhere to them. But while doing that, just remember that if someone wants to cheat, no amount of monitoring will stop them. I doubt she wants to cheat (or at least before the blowup) because she was into you. I mean, depending on her work environment, there's ways to handle these guys she works with, but I'm telling you, the woman is often the one to lose her job if the men there get mad at her. She's in a male field, so she has to learn to deal with it. She can do it with humor and just more or less lightheartedly making fun of them without being cruel about it. I was in a male field a long time too and had to develop a smart mouth but keep smiling. My personal approach was to make them think I was probably more than they could handle anyway, sometimes. Other times, I just smarted off to them, like "You wish," or "How is your wife? I really like her."
Author cocopuffs239 Posted January 26, 2020 Author Posted January 26, 2020 To beenderedonedat: I understand what you mean, but that's exactly what this fourm is for to have an open talk about breaks and break ups. I also understand what you mean about her saying she's gonna f**k someone else...Im confident she just says it to get a rise and not cuz she's actually going to go f**k someone, either way it's very disrespectful.
Author cocopuffs239 Posted January 26, 2020 Author Posted January 26, 2020 (edited) 25 minutes ago, preraph said: So was your crush a business associate? Because if hers are business associates, it might not even be possible for her to delete them. Business associates often schmooze each other too, though there should be boundaries. She just got good and mad at you and had a little tantrum. I mean, she did wait for you forever being in love with you and you not choosing her, so she's invested more. And you're fooling no one. You are clearly leaving the door open for that crush, no matter if you are contacting her or not. I do agree that it's important that you come up with rules about social media together and agree on them and both adhere to them. But while doing that, just remember that if someone wants to cheat, no amount of monitoring will stop them. I doubt she wants to cheat (or at least before the blowup) because she was into you. I mean, depending on her work environment, there's ways to handle these guys she works with, but I'm telling you, the woman is often the one to lose her job if the men there get mad at her. She's in a male field, so she has to learn to deal with it. She can do it with humor and just more or less lightheartedly making fun of them without being cruel about it. I was in a male field a long time too and had to develop a smart mouth but keep smiling. My personal approach was to make them think I was probably more than they could handle anyway, sometimes. Other times, I just smarted off to them, like "You wish," or "How is your wife? I really like her." No my crush wasnt business related, just a girl I knew, at that time I had no idea my "friend" had a crush on me. She waited about a month before I felt ready so it wasn't a long time, but maybe she liked me for longer so it might of tormented her more than I seem to see. Well being honest I'm the type of person once I drop you your gone, I didn't expect my crush to contact me but I was still amicable with her, like I said I haven't had spoken to her but she worked at a place I went to often, but Iv been avoiding going for a while now cuz she works there. In other words I never expected to be with my crush after I stop perusing she was just there, but my gf had brought her up way more than I ever even thought of her she was practically dead to me as a romantic interest. She definitely shot down her coworkers, she told me all the time what was going on, I'm sure she liked the attention but don't think she's one to insinuate anything with them. But I felt like her co-workers shouldn't be on social media anyways, it also upset me they hit on her, and since she wanted someone off my snap I figured I should be able to ask the same( even tho I think neither should be able to tell the other who they can have on social media) Thanks for replying prerahp, what would u do in my situation? Edited January 26, 2020 by cocopuffs239
preraph Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 (edited) If she is shooting those guys down, to me, that's what matters. As long as she isn't somehow encouraging them. I mean, I would hate people I work with to be on my social media, but these days, it depends on the culture at the workplace. Sometimes it's necessary to keep clients or bosses happy. You haven't any threat by these guys, but she does know you were crushing on this woman. The other thing I would do as for the "good ol boys" in her business is I would be going up there and being visible and taking her to lunch or picking her up after work and going to any parties where partners are allowed (it's not always allowed, of course, where clients are involved.) I would make myself visible. One bad thing about texting is the receptionist, the Gossip Central of the office, doesn't know what's going on. In the pre-texting, pre-email days, you had to call the receptionist to talk to your partner, and then it was a very efficient system of her letting anyone interested know that she seemed to be "very taken." You might also send flowers or just get a bouquet and take them over at lunch, just to show these weasels what they're up against. And don't presume she really enjoys it. It can be very irritating to put up with. If I were you, I'd block this woman and make it all go away. And here's why. You're not seeing her anyway. If something happens to your relationship, you know where to find her. And thirdly, presuming the crush ever warmed up to you, you being faithful to your woman would only make her respect you more. Knowing you were watching her the whole time is giving her a bad impression, If she's paying attention. Edited January 26, 2020 by preraph
scooby-philly Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 Okay, What we need to focus on here is her behavior and yours. First - there's no reason to keep a former crush on social media. Even if you claim to have been over her 6 months or 6 years, if you weren't platonic friends first and still see each other in friends' zones (like at a bar, at someone's house/family party, trips, etc) then you need to delete them. It's an emotional crutch. And be mature and honest about it with yourself first. Second, if anyone, especially early on in the relationship crosses one of the big "no-no" lines - then you do not respond to them at all, let alone in kind. If she asked you to delete this crush, which, by the way, how did she find out about it - oh wait, I re-read your post and yeah - yeah - you knew she was crazy before dating her. Do you think you're some sort of wild animal tamer?, and then proceeds to tell you about any potential suitors of hers, say goodbye. Nothing you say will change her and most likely what you say will only be hurtful and disrespectful and beneath you. Now - onto her behavior. Run. Block her, don't respond to her. If she shows up somewhere in person call the police. If she keeps bothering you get a restraining order. I've been with a psychopath for a year before. It was crazy and I was even stupider and more empty of self-worth than she at that point for sticking around so long. A few key bullets: You made a mistake by not deleting your crush and being honest with yourself and to her about it before you tried dating her. But she probably (assuming) she snooped on your phone or something to know you were still connected to the crush. No one tells their S/O - even in a great relationship that will last till death - about people hitting on them. Especially folks around them all the time like a co-worker. If someone keeps hitting on you and you're in a relationship and love the person and are sane, you address it. If she didn't know how or nothing changed, only they does she need to alert you. No sane person does the whole "bargaining" thing. If she was normal, the minute you said delete them and you'll delete your crush, she'd be gone because if you liked her and were ready for a relationship, she wouldn't have had to ask you. No one threatens to break up. That's what people from shamed based families, often with issues of abandonment, or a lack of love and care from parents, does. There's only one time to put up with it - the first time. The second threat and you walk away for good. That behavior is reinforced over years and takes years to fix. You're job is not to fix a potential or current SO. They have to want to fix themselves and she doesn't even seem to recognize it as a problem. If it's compounded with her adding others back to her social media then that's a reason to absolutely end things and never speak with her again. You don't threaten anyone else. If you feel like you're and adult and their a child, then they are and/or you're a self-righteous ass. In this case you're right, but you don't say it. You simply move on. You're trying to fix her behavior. You can't. And it's not your job. And you deserve better. Your one line about "so the reason this break up happened was cuz I didnt see her on a day I never see her and the day before I cancelled plans with friends to see her cuz she really wanted to(so imo not a reason to throw a tantrum)" is confusing. Try breaking your thoughts out here. You enabled her absolute worst craziness to come out. She feels emboldened to walk all over you. Time to say goodbye. She threatens you with having sex with someone else - goodbye. She's blowing your phone up because she realizes she may have finally crossed a line of no return with you. Now, crazies can go both ways. She could be gone in a heartbeat or doing what's she doing now. Minus all the other craziness, if a relationship got bad, someone acts in the middle. Crazies act on one extreme. Under no circumstances do you become a FWB or enter back into a relationship with this woman. Toxic behavior does not change overnight and it rarely changes at all. Count it as a lesson learned and move on. 1
Author cocopuffs239 Posted January 26, 2020 Author Posted January 26, 2020 1 hour ago, preraph said: If she is shooting those guys down, to me, that's what matters. As long as she isn't somehow encouraging them. I mean, I would hate people I work with to be on my social media, but these days, it depends on the culture at the workplace. Sometimes it's necessary to keep clients or bosses happy. You haven't any threat by these guys, but she does know you were crushing on this woman. The other thing I would do as for the "good ol boys" in her business is I would be going up there and being visible and taking her to lunch or picking her up after work and going to any parties where partners are allowed (it's not always allowed, of course, where clients are involved.) I would make myself visible. One bad thing about texting is the receptionist, the Gossip Central of the office, doesn't know what's going on. In the pre-texting, pre-email days, you had to call the receptionist to talk to your partner, and then it was a very efficient system of her letting anyone interested know that she seemed to be "very taken." You might also send flowers or just get a bouquet and take them over at lunch, just to show these weasels what they're up against. And don't presume she really enjoys it. It can be very irritating to put up with. If I were you, I'd block this woman and make it all go away. And here's why. You're not seeing her anyway. If something happens to your relationship, you know where to find her. And thirdly, presuming the crush ever warmed up to you, you being faithful to your woman would only make her respect you more. Knowing you were watching her the whole time is giving her a bad impression, If she's paying attention. Thats definitely something she brings up, she thinks that me having my old crush on social media was worse than her having her co-workers on there. IV thought about it before, I did when she would tell me about what the guys were doing, it definitely made me a little jealous which I'm sure would be normal, I had plan to send flower etc etc. I'm guessing she didn't like it in the sense of her being interested, but I always feel flattered when I get hit on or complement but I'm a guy maybe to a girl it gets annoying? Yes the crush has been deleted for a while ago, it was her re adding her co-workers that was the catalyst for us fighting again over, I told her to delete them cuz I still had my old crush deleted and she thought it wasn't fair... Thanks for the advice
preraph Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 Sounds like you'll work it out. Yes, it's not exactly apples to apples because you had the crush and these are just buttheads she has to put up with through work! What you said about you'd be flattered instead of annoyed, yeah, guys are more that way, seems like, but it can get real old to women at work, and doesn't sound like she's looking for anyone to replace you. I'd make peace.
Author cocopuffs239 Posted January 26, 2020 Author Posted January 26, 2020 1 hour ago, scooby-philly said: Okay, What we need to focus on here is her behavior and yours. First - there's no reason to keep a former crush on social media. Even if you claim to have been over her 6 months or 6 years, if you weren't platonic friends first and still see each other in friends' zones (like at a bar, at someone's house/family party, trips, etc) then you need to delete them. It's an emotional crutch. And be mature and honest about it with yourself first. Second, if anyone, especially early on in the relationship crosses one of the big "no-no" lines - then you do not respond to them at all, let alone in kind. If she asked you to delete this crush, which, by the way, how did she find out about it - oh wait, I re-read your post and yeah - yeah - you knew she was crazy before dating her. Do you think you're some sort of wild animal tamer?, and then proceeds to tell you about any potential suitors of hers, say goodbye. Nothing you say will change her and most likely what you say will only be hurtful and disrespectful and beneath you. Now - onto her behavior. Run. Block her, don't respond to her. If she shows up somewhere in person call the police. If she keeps bothering you get a restraining order. I've been with a psychopath for a year before. It was crazy and I was even stupider and more empty of self-worth than she at that point for sticking around so long. A few key bullets: You made a mistake by not deleting your crush and being honest with yourself and to her about it before you tried dating her. But she probably (assuming) she snooped on your phone or something to know you were still connected to the crush. No one tells their S/O - even in a great relationship that will last till death - about people hitting on them. Especially folks around them all the time like a co-worker. If someone keeps hitting on you and you're in a relationship and love the person and are sane, you address it. If she didn't know how or nothing changed, only they does she need to alert you. No sane person does the whole "bargaining" thing. If she was normal, the minute you said delete them and you'll delete your crush, she'd be gone because if you liked her and were ready for a relationship, she wouldn't have had to ask you. No one threatens to break up. That's what people from shamed based families, often with issues of abandonment, or a lack of love and care from parents, does. There's only one time to put up with it - the first time. The second threat and you walk away for good. That behavior is reinforced over years and takes years to fix. You're job is not to fix a potential or current SO. They have to want to fix themselves and she doesn't even seem to recognize it as a problem. If it's compounded with her adding others back to her social media then that's a reason to absolutely end things and never speak with her again. You don't threaten anyone else. If you feel like you're and adult and their a child, then they are and/or you're a self-righteous ass. In this case you're right, but you don't say it. You simply move on. You're trying to fix her behavior. You can't. And it's not your job. And you deserve better. Your one line about "so the reason this break up happened was cuz I didnt see her on a day I never see her and the day before I cancelled plans with friends to see her cuz she really wanted to(so imo not a reason to throw a tantrum)" is confusing. Try breaking your thoughts out here. You enabled her absolute worst craziness to come out. She feels emboldened to walk all over you. Time to say goodbye. She threatens you with having sex with someone else - goodbye. She's blowing your phone up because she realizes she may have finally crossed a line of no return with you. Now, crazies can go both ways. She could be gone in a heartbeat or doing what's she doing now. Minus all the other craziness, if a relationship got bad, someone acts in the middle. Crazies act on one extreme. Under no circumstances do you become a FWB or enter back into a relationship with this woman. Toxic behavior does not change overnight and it rarely changes at all. Count it as a lesson learned and move on. Thanks Scooby for throughly commenting lol.... I understand, she's (my old crush) been deleted for a while now..she found out cuz she asked if I didn't and I'm usually one to be honest even if it bites me in the a$$ Lmao yea she would tell me about her flings, during certain points I was like omg that was a crazy move on her part, but always supported her choices, and said u acted crazy or did this cuz ur trying to prove a point which at the time she was definitely trying to get her old fling to understand something. The animal tamer got me I told her I wanted to know if they where since I figured if she didn't, she would almost be hiding it and I'd feel like she was hiding something That's something she said, she said I should've deleted her the moment she asked, I thought it was the right thing to do since I had issues with her co-workers hitting on her She comes from a good family but she didn't like her parents too much since they restricted her a lot ( just trying to be good parents) and she rebeled over it Yea me calling her a child doesn't help lol even if she was acting like one. What happened was that I had plans sat but she wanted to see me so I cancelled my plans to see her. Then the next day she asked to see me and I said no cuz I was busy and she threw a tantrum over it. Yea sometimes she does walk all over me or tries too, I agree no one should threaten to f*** anyone else. in a relationship, I feel there's no room for threats Her problem too is that she doesn't know how to talk to me, most of the time she goes from 0 to 100 instead of talking to me normally and telling me her problems and y she's upset Again thanks for you input
Beendaredonedat Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 3 hours ago, cocopuffs239 said: To beenderedonedat: I understand what you mean, but that's exactly what this fourm is for to have an open talk about breaks and break ups. I also understand what you mean about her saying she's gonna f**k someone else...Im confident she just says it to get a rise and not cuz she's actually going to go f**k someone, either way it's very disrespectful. You are fooling yourself if you unable to see that her doing what she did (re texting another guy to do her) speaks to her immaturity, her lack of boundaries, her disrespectfulness in general, her petulant and vindictive nature et al. All of those negative attributes of her personality point to her being a p-poor life mate in general. You not seeing that and getting yourself away from her says a lot about your ability to be a good partner yourself. I'm sorry to be so blunt but people who are healthy emotionally and psychologically and are actually ready to be in something healthy and serious with someone would run from the likes of her like their arse was on fire. Think about that!
Author cocopuffs239 Posted January 26, 2020 Author Posted January 26, 2020 34 minutes ago, Beendaredonedat said: You are fooling yourself if you unable to see that her doing what she did (re texting another guy to do her) speaks to her immaturity, her lack of boundaries, her disrespectfulness in general, her petulant and vindictive nature et al. All of those negative attributes of her personality point to her being a p-poor life mate in general. You not seeing that and getting yourself away from her says a lot about your ability to be a good partner yourself. I'm sorry to be so blunt but people who are healthy emotionally and psychologically and are actually ready to be in something healthy and serious with someone would run from the likes of her like their arse was on fire. Think about that! I agree with everything you said.she definitely is vindictive when she told me her self that cuz I hurt her she wanted me to hurt just as bad. Also agree that it makes her a bad life mate in general, I think its cuz she has a mental image of how things should be when sometimes its not like that, so she overreacted in a bad way....sucks cuz I like the girl but I know she has issues, she's been in bad relationships/abusive before and I think that's what's made her like this..
Beendaredonedat Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 Do yourself a favor and get yourself away from her. You can rehab from your addiction to her through cold-turkey, zero contact withdrawl. There is a far better, good woman that you'd be proud to introduce to your family and friends for you out there. This chica is bad news all around and needs to be in therapy to help her get past herself and what the abuse in her life has made her become. You can't help her with that.
Author cocopuffs239 Posted January 26, 2020 Author Posted January 26, 2020 I also want to add that I'm not perfect. we havent gone on an actual date since we've been together (3½ months, known her for 3 now?) I'd say that's both our faults though, I never really courted her right from the start cuz I was still getting over crush, so It was her who initiated it by telling me she liked me, so that kind of isn't something I can change anymore same with missing her birthday which was a huge deal to her :/...I have gotten a little complacent with her sometimes but I try and keep up. I've said a few rough things to her but never been verbally abusive and almost never curse at her That's as far as the line goes...besides that I'm A+ as bf
Author cocopuffs239 Posted January 26, 2020 Author Posted January 26, 2020 17 minutes ago, Beendaredonedat said: Do yourself a favor and get yourself away from her. You can rehab from your addiction to her through cold-turkey, zero contact withdrawl. There is a far better, good woman that you'd be proud to introduce to your family and friends for you out there. This chica is bad news all around and needs to be in therapy to help her get past herself and what the abuse in her life has made her become. You can't help her with that. Thanks do you think it's a bad idea to still be fwb?
Author cocopuffs239 Posted January 26, 2020 Author Posted January 26, 2020 3 minutes ago, Mrin said: Don't stick your D in crazy. so you think no fixing, have you dated anyone "crazy"?
Beendaredonedat Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 1 hour ago, cocopuffs239 said: Thanks do you think it's a bad idea to still be fwb? That is a horrible idea. You need to get her out of your life in all ways so you can rehab from her she is your drug right now and you can't quit smoking if you keep having a drag off of a cigarette.
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