Oscar1993 Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 I literally feel so childish posting this on here, but the place where I work. Is pretty big and it's not the sort of place where everyone chats to each other, people tend to stick to their own department and don't really mix outside of this, hence I have no idea how to start chatting to this guy. I can't just go up to his desk etc because that would be totally awkward. Anyway, I heard a couple of months back through a friend of a friend that he liked me, I was in a messy situation so couldn't take anything any further, but I knew who he was and had already thought he was attractive. Since then, I have bumped in to him a couple of times, he's held the door open for me, visa versa, just little things like that, but we've never actually had chance to chat. We bump in to each other rarely. However a lot of times when I make drinks/take lunch etc at work he also follows to the canteen and I don't think it's a coincidence. I was considering emailing my number to him, but is this too forward? And what if I have got it all totally wrong and he has a girlfriend now? Or wait until we bump in to each other again and try and start a conversation but this is not very often at all so could be months ago. Obviously I've looked him up on social media but he doesn't have any. If he did that would make things much easier. I like him a lot but I don't even know him. I just want a chance to get to know him but don't even know how to go about it!
d0nnivain Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 Just say hi in the canteen. Work up to something banal like nice weather or do you think it will ever stop raining? What you say initially doesn't matter as long as you start the conversation 2
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 If you can afford to be without this job, then by all means approach him. 1
preraph Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 It sounds like you have no idea whether he's already attached or not. You know being attached won't stop the majority of guys from flirting or looking or whatever. So you can't assume anything. like you said you don't even know him so you really don't know whether you like him or not. It sounds like it's physical attraction at this point. What you need to do is find out more about him by just saying hi and chit chat and see if that goes anywhere over time and you can find out what his situation is. Don't do anything as obvious as sending him your number. He may be married with three kids. if he's so attractive that you think you like him without even knowing anything about him that he for sure probably already has a girlfriend or boyfriend. 2
alphamale Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 2 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: If you can afford to be without this job, then by all means approach him. I would agree with this^^^ BUT if you really really really want to meet him plan an afterwork happy hour at a local watering hole, make sure all depts. are invited. I will bet that he will come.
mortensorchid Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 I have said this before, and I will say this again for your own protection : Coworkers are NOT friends. It's easy for you to think that they are because you will spend more time with them than you will with anyone else. And you think that since you are all there in your same work setting that you are there for the same purpose which is to work and earn a living. Not true. Most everyone comes to work to get away from whatever's going on at home. They're miserable and hate each other and stab one another in the back. And yet, since humans are social creatures, we look to others in order to fulfill our want and need for companionship. And I have encountered some very lonely people in my day as well which is extra sad, but I digress ... Never look to have your companionship or sexual needs met from a coworker no matter what the situation is or is not. It's lonely to be an adult, but part of being an adult is to keep your coworkers at bay from interfering and making you just as miserable as they are. You'll be happier if you keep your distance from them and this guy, even if he's a prince. Because if and when something goes south, you will never live it down. I am speaking from much experience. Please reconsider this situation. 3 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 If I wasn't an idiot today and realized before it was too late that today's Sunday and not Saturday, I'd presently be at a baby shower for my former coworker's first grandchild. I haven't worked there since 2012 and we are still great friends. I respectfully disagree with you, MO, that colleagues can't be friends. 3 1
Andy_K Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 On 1/26/2020 at 5:22 PM, mortensorchid said: I have said this before, and I will say this again for your own protection : Coworkers are NOT friends. It's easy for you to think that they are because you will spend more time with them than you will with anyone else. And you think that since you are all there in your same work setting that you are there for the same purpose which is to work and earn a living. Not true. Most everyone comes to work to get away from whatever's going on at home. They're miserable and hate each other and stab one another in the back. And yet, since humans are social creatures, we look to others in order to fulfill our want and need for companionship. And I have encountered some very lonely people in my day as well which is extra sad, but I digress ... Never look to have your companionship or sexual needs met from a coworker no matter what the situation is or is not. It's lonely to be an adult, but part of being an adult is to keep your coworkers at bay from interfering and making you just as miserable as they are. You'll be happier if you keep your distance from them and this guy, even if he's a prince. Because if and when something goes south, you will never live it down. I am speaking from much experience. Please reconsider this situation. I'm not sure where you work, but I'm pretty glad I don't work there... 2
mortensorchid Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 23 hours ago, Andy_K said: I'm not sure where you work, but I'm pretty glad I don't work there... I have a story to tell of this how and why. About 15/20 years ago I was working in a call center in corporate America when this woman returned from being on medical leave. Tensions went from 0 to 100 when she returned. One day they called a staff meeting and it escalated into a huge, screaming, caddy fight between everyone in the entire department with her conducting it like an orchestra. I did not participate in it, I had no beef with anyone and I had been there for barely 2 weeks. Did they not have anything better to do than scream at each other over caddy comments and "you said this", and "you did that"?! Later that same day I was in the breakroom, eating lunch and minding my own business when this woman approaches me. She asked what did I think about the meeting today? I said I would rather not talk about that, thank you. She then said "Do you want to know what people say about you? Name says you're not that smart and you're a brat". I was bowled over. How could someone be so cruel? If we were in junior high school maybe that's acceptable but damn it I was 32 and this woman was in her late 40s. I said "No thank you". Then she walked off. Granted, this woman was a rare breed to be sure. She was angry, jealous, rotten and spoiled to the core to do something so terrible to someone. She also had come back from brain surgery and had sort term memory damage. She couldn't work a customer service job on the phone and asked me what my name was at least 20 times later. Eventually she didn't return. I stayed at that job for 2 years and went to another. Then, someone told me, she came back. She was jot fired, she quit but had now returned. A week or two later she called in absent saying her son had had an accident and broke his foot. He was going into surgery soon. They said ok best of luck hope it's successful. And she never returned. True story. 1 1
BrennaR Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 Interesting situation. I've never gone through with approaching work crushes with an exception of one time, where it was a project that ended and we stayed in touch (so a couple years later). It was still a disaster and I wish I had never gotten involved. I think it's best to stay professional with all work related folks. This would be my sage 40 year old's advice.
mortensorchid Posted February 4, 2020 Posted February 4, 2020 On 1/30/2020 at 10:10 PM, BrennaR said: Interesting situation. I've never gone through with approaching work crushes with an exception of one time, where it was a project that ended and we stayed in touch (so a couple years later). It was still a disaster and I wish I had never gotten involved. I think it's best to stay professional with all work related folks. This would be my sage 40 year old's advice. I had a crush on someone I worked with about 6 years ago and was shot down. While I may not have approached things the best way possible and whatever else, it turned out to be a major turning point moment and it really hurt me. Ever since then there has been a black cloud hanging over me of "nobody wants me", "you're too old", "everyone thinks you're stupid", etc. Not saying the same will happen to any one of you reading this,but be warned.
Twizzlestick Posted February 4, 2020 Posted February 4, 2020 Leave a blank piece of paper saying “are you single by any chance? X 07#########” And don’t leave your name . As a single guy I can promise I would text out of sure curiosity. Prob is if he snoops around the office workers to find out the number ha! in all seriousness date at the office if you can shrug off the awkwardness if it goes wrong. It can make for very long shifts!
BrennaR Posted February 4, 2020 Posted February 4, 2020 38 minutes ago, mortensorchid said: I had a crush on someone I worked with about 6 years ago and was shot down. While I may not have approached things the best way possible and whatever else, it turned out to be a major turning point moment and it really hurt me. Ever since then there has been a black cloud hanging over me of "nobody wants me", "you're too old", "everyone thinks you're stupid", etc. Not saying the same will happen to any one of you reading this,but be warned. I’m really sorry to hear that. Have you tried talk therapy? It’s really helped me get out from under the black cloud. Setbacks are far less triggering when you’re taking care of yourself emotionally.
Ellener Posted February 4, 2020 Posted February 4, 2020 13 minutes ago, BrennaR said: I’m really sorry to hear that. Have you tried talk therapy? It’s really helped me get out from under the black cloud. Setbacks are far less triggering when you’re taking care of yourself emotionally. It's true @mortensorchid I get in a right state with my anxiety disorder sometimes and the answer is always- back to therapy ( I have this great guy now, inexpensive and really good ) and holistic self-care. I was at work a few days ago and this guy has taken to hanging out on his breaks by where I work, so we socialise a bit. I'm not very flirty in those situations deliberately, it's a goldfish bowl! but another lady came and jumped in my seat the moment I got up and I realised oh dear, I'm stepping on someone's toes here! This is just a part-time temporary gig for me so no major problem if things turned ugly. And both of these people are super nice so that's unlikely. But if it were an important job to me ( and maybe even if it wasn't ) I don't want to spill out relationship stuff at work, or be uncomfortable or make other people uncomfortable at work. That's why it's a boundary for me, and probably other people too: no dating colleagues. Hope you figure it all out for you. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted February 5, 2020 Posted February 5, 2020 (edited) Let things emerge ... next time you say hi to him show some little bit of enthusiasm and see what happens. Heads up: I've worked at places where people dated and were still kind and reasonable with each other. Others here have clearly had different experiences.In fact, it's only been through reading comments against dating at work here on this forum that I even thought twice about this issue. There were at least six couples that met at work and got married (and one or two more might be slipping my mind). It was a workplace that just brought together people with similar interests, education levels, political views, religious views, same age range. Also: this job wasn't really competitive--and there was no real back-biting (I know that's unusual). To excel at this job, you didn't need to step on anyone else's toes. So all the dating was pretty much very serious. I'm talking six married couples (and I think I'm forgetting one or two) out of maybe 75 employees at the time. The only relationship at the job that went haywire was when someone was dating a married boss. The secret got out and the lower level person was extremely embarrassed. The twist: the boss was already having a fling with a different employee. The gossip certainly spread about the married boss, but everyone pretended they didn't know anything. Edited February 5, 2020 by Lotsgoingon
mrs rubble Posted February 5, 2020 Posted February 5, 2020 Years ago I had a crush on the courier at my work, I managed to find his phone number and sent him a flirty text, he replied, we bantered a bit and had a fling. It was never awkward, we never dated, just had fun. He left a few years later and shifted overseas, we're still friends. He sends me jokes still to this day.
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