why do I feel so bad?

[inglorious]

Sorry for the vague title and this long post,  I hope someone can bear with it and if possible help me as I feel such anguish right now.

I'm middle aged bloke and been in a relationship for 9 years which eventually settled into a FWB thing because in all that time we never made a big life plan, co-habited, etc.  Just spent mutually available free time sharing friendship, company and intimacy.

In the last year or so,  I started feeling distant.  Like it had run it's course with nowhere to go. How long can FWB last?   We hit a plateau and never moved forward, I guess neither wanted to risk going "all-in" so we kept our independent lives and shared the time we had available.  We were ok with this for a long time.  Eventually emotional apathy set in with me.  I could no longer keep my feelings in sync.  The more emotionally invested I was, the more down I would be in the time spent apart so I think I would detach a little to compensate.

I felt guilty about being distant so recently we talked where I owned up about this and as there was no quick fix in sight, I proposed that we took the 'WB' out of the FWB and stay platonic friends.  I really love and respect this woman.  We have shared a lot of life journey and wouldn't want to lose her completely from my life if possible. We live in different towns and the logistics and pattern of time shared was becoming a tyranny.  I had fallen out of love with the relationship, but not her.

I was clear that this change would be indefinite with no expectation over what happens in the future.  i.e. the end of that kind of relationship.  My F agreed and was in fact relieved.  She recognised same, that being physical didn't feel as right as it used to from her POV.   Often we would have such limited time to share that sex felt like "ticking boxes".  We agreed that if we were ever to resume being lovers,  it would have to be a different relationship with purpose and direction.  With no expectation about that ever happening, we agreed to stop the routine,  have more time to get on top of our respective lives and spend quality time together as friends albeit less frequently.  I came away sure that we were on the same page.  (it was a bit like re-negotiating a contract)

Soon after I found myself in a situation where I became intimate with someone else.  I don't know if it was the novelty, a built up debt of unfulfilled needs, rebound, experimenting with my new freedom,  but I indulged that intimacy.  (no specifics)

Following day,  I am now beside myself with feelings of guilt and anguish.  My mind tells me that I have broken no rules but I still feel terrible, like I have betrayed myself.  This has taken me completely by surprise as entered into that intimate situation eyes-open thinking it was a positive thing for me, but in retrospect I feel so bad.

Why do I feel like I have cheated?  Has it taken this to discover that I am still very confused about my feelings for my friend and may have made the wrong choices concerning her?  Are my choices still sound and its just because I stupidly acted too quickly?  Although timing was dumb luck,  why was I so quick to seize it?  I know that a big part was letting go and fulfilling what felt like an overdue need whilst feeling free to do so?  to be clear I don't mean getting off,  I didn't,  it was the warm fuzzy around it I was high on.      

I don't expect anyone to be able to answer for me,  but I'd be most appreciative of your thoughts as they may help me work through this.
 

Peace and Love

[FMW]

You've had a relationship with your "friend" for 9 years, one that has included more than friendship even though you never made a formal commitment like living together or marriage.  You are still emotionally attached to her.  That's why you are experiencing these confusing and difficult emotions.

Sit with these feelings for a while and you'll get a better handle on what they mean.  FWIW, it doesn't sound like your your relationship with your friend is one that is meant to be "the" relationship for either of you.  Nine years is a long time - it is what is is.  The intimacy you shared along the way was real, but limited.  Don't get confused by that.  You both recognized that something was missing and so it isn't surprising that either of you would be tempted to try out other people to find that missing ingredient.  

Many relationships have expiration dates, I think that's what happened in this situation.  Your heart and your emotions just haven't quite caught up yet.  

[kendahke]

13 hours ago, inglorious said:

Why do I feel like I have cheated? 

because you know deep down that you shared something with someone else and didn't arse yourself to do the tough emotional work to get the both of you to the point where this experience could be shared with her.

Quote

a built up debt of unfulfilled needs... I indulged that intimacy. 

and you also know she is going to be greatly hurt that you have given someone else this "in" and not her, friend or no.

Deciding to forgo communication leads to stagnation--and nothing lives in stagnation.

Edited January 26, 2020 by kendahke

[Ruby Slippers]

You were with the other person to take care of physical needs, but underneath all that were emotional and other needs. It sounds like those weren't being fully met with the previous woman, but probably some of them were. 

Forgive yourself for your mistakes and missteps and let it go. Then you can start to heal and move forward.