Magicmontazzle Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 No he is not right to demand this. He sounds like a boot. Break up with him. Him threatening you with a breakup and putting ultimatums on you is not Love. Be mindful when people accuse you of being something - often it is them holding a mirror up to themselves. He does sound very controlling. Be aware controlling behaviour only ever gets worse. Particularly if children and marriage gets involved. I was involved in my 20s with two guys like this. It can take a while for this behaviour to show and you feel you have invested lots of time, however, I have not regretted breaking up with them for one second.
Author Lianna Posted January 27, 2020 Author Posted January 27, 2020 Again, thank you everyone for your thoughts, it helps a lot. Update: he sent me a text this morning that he's blocked me for good on WhatsApp and that he has deleted all our chat history. He wrote that he will not pick up the phone if I ring him. That I've had my chance and that he was no longer my partner. It's baffling to me why he would even care to text me this? I'm just sad and fascinated at the same time that we can't have a respectful ending to the relationship. Just a couple of days ago he talked about wanting to marry me and that I was the love of his life. This man is 55 years old and I'm 34, I expected him to be more mature about it all. I'm considering trying to get my laptop back, but afraid of his reaction, so not sure if it's worth it. 1
preraph Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 I put "email" above and meant "a male relative." Sorry . Send a male relative over. Tell them what time he should get home from work or send them over before he'd leave and don't forewarn him and if it's a guy, he'll hand it over. If it's you, he won't and will just act like you want him and that's why you're there. I would not advise you do it yourself. I don't think police will go do it. Send your dad or brother or male friend over. 1
Calmandfocused Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 Ugh! What an utterly selfish, controlling boyfriend you have there op! Your post actually made my blood boil. The cheeky devil. Who the hell does he think he is? !!! i won’t repeat what others have said but I agree: manipulative, abusive and controlling with gaslighting and projection galore. Turn the ultimatum back on him. Say something like:” if you ever pull a stunt like this again mate, you’ll be history quicker than you can say “Bob’s your uncle”. Assert your boundaries op.
Calmandfocused Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 Ps. I’ve just read your update. He’s punishing you for not behaving exactly the way he wants you to be. It’s all mind games and just part of the abuse cycle. let him go. Find someone whose younger with more emotional maturity 2
MarieDuval Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 I'm with the others that has replied here. He's being unreasonable, controlling and very insecure. I was with a similar kind of man years ago. He was like Jekyll and Hyde, totally the man of my dreams one second and scolding me over seemingly small matters the the next. I remember always walking on eggshells, being so afraid that he would suddenly leave me or give me silent treatment if I didn't live up to his standards. That's not love. Let me guess, in the beginning he was prince charming, putting you on a pedestal and moved the relationship along at a lightning speed? Then, as he has you hooked, his true colours start to show. Trust me, these relationships only gets worse over time.
Author Lianna Posted January 29, 2020 Author Posted January 29, 2020 I'm so thankful for the thoughts and suggestions that I've got from you guys. You help me see the relationship for what it was. Yep, in the beginning when we just met he was almost too good to be true. Finally a man who wasn't afraid to commit and who talked marriage and babies on our third date. Most likely too much too soon. And now this. My brother is coming with me to pick up my stuff, or he might even go without me. We're doing it at the end of the week, just to give him some time to hopefully cool off a bit. I still have his apartment key, which I'm surprised he hasn't even asked for, but would never enter the apartment to get my stuff without him being at home. Not going to forewarn him though, and I don't feel bad about it as I'm blocked anyway. 1
Daisydooks Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 (edited) On 1/26/2020 at 4:40 PM, Lianna said: Thanks everyone for your input. I just got off the phone with him. It was two hours of him telling me I'm mean, selfish and calculated. He called me a dog running after my sister and my parents whenever they throw a treat in the air. That I behave like a child. I said I wanted to keep it in a respectful tone, but he attacked everything that I said. When I cried, he said that he's the victim, not me and that I should stop feeling sorry for myself. Immediately after the phone talk he wrote that my true character was revealed and that he will never speak with me again, and before I could say something, he blocked me. He still has my stuff, my computer among other things. I don't even know how to get it back now. Please look up the term "gaslighting." This man is sick, twisted, nasty, mean, abusive and manipulative. Run, dont walk. Cry alone in your bed, come here to post, but for the love of everything holy, do not speak to him another day. Im appalled. If you are worried about your computer, youre not concerned enough about your mental and physical state. Who gives a s*** about your computer. Save up and get a new one. Nothing is worth communicating to him again. You don't communicate anyhow. He yells and talks at you. If your brother can pick it up, great but dont go at all. Not with him or alone. Someone who gaslight you, often love bombs as well. Marriage and babies 3 dates in should have been a red flag Edited January 29, 2020 by Daisydooks 1
preraph Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 Sorry it all went south, but I think you are better off this way. Go pamper yourself a bit and remember he's the one who lost a prize. 2
smackie9 Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 Just walk away. He's gonna hold your stuff, so he can have more opportunity to abuse you. Not worth it. 1
Author Lianna Posted January 30, 2020 Author Posted January 30, 2020 Small update: he unblocked me tonight and sent me a message that "it's not too late". And not a word about being sorry for the way he spoke to me. Not that I would have taken him back anyways. What a joke. I'm finally starting to see how utterly delusional he is. I'm not even keen to get my laptop back at this point. This has been a huge wake up call for me. Thank you to everyone who opened my eyes to what this relationship was: miserable and unhealthy. 2
Noproblem Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 (edited) Sisters come first! End of the story Show him the door! I don't believe in long -distance relationships Don't lose many good years of your precious life on a man/women behind a screen..... Edited January 30, 2020 by Noproblem
Noproblem Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 On 1/27/2020 at 1:34 PM, Lianna said: Again, thank you everyone for your thoughts, it helps a lot. Update: he sent me a text this morning that he's blocked me for good on WhatsApp and that he has deleted all our chat history. He wrote that he will not pick up the phone if I ring him. That I've had my chance and that he was no longer my partner. It's baffling to me why he would even care to text me this? I'm just sad and fascinated at the same time that we can't have a respectful ending to the relationship. Just a couple of days ago he talked about wanting to marry me and that I was the love of his life. This man is 55 years old and I'm 34, I expected him to be more mature about it all. I'm considering trying to get my laptop back, but afraid of his reaction, so not sure if it's worth it. Omg.. That is very immature, Plus, you can be with much younger guy than him, 21 years difference is too much. 10-15 max
stillafool Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 22 minutes ago, Lianna said: Small update: he unblocked me tonight and sent me a message that "it's not too late". And not a word about being sorry for the way he spoke to me. Not that I would have taken him back anyways. What a joke. I'm finally starting to see how utterly delusional he is. I'm not even keen to get my laptop back at this point. This has been a huge wake up call for me. Thank you to everyone who opened my eyes to what this relationship was: miserable and unhealthy. This time block him from contacting you. 1
spiderowl Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 His behaviour is abusive, as many other posters have pointed out. This is only the start: if you get more involved with him, his controlling behaviour will take over your life. Seriously, he is toxic. He has insulted you, blamed you, threatened you with abandonment, cut you off, accused you of being selfish - you name it! He has done everything possible to try to get you to give in to his controlling demands. Thankfully, you are questioning his behaviour, though you are still letting him have chances to speak to you and hurt you. Think about this: does he make you feel happy, loved, cared for, joyous, inspired, protected, supported? I think probably not. Trust your feelings - if he is making you cry and feel pain and despair, he is not a guy who understands what love is. He has no empathy, just a desire to control. I hope he is long distance. I suspect that when you do dump this guy, he will do his level best to regain control of you - by emotional blackmail, contacting you when you have refused contact, maybe even threatening or stalking behaviour. Be sure to protect yourself and talk to friends about the situation if he does not go quietly. 2
fishlips Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 I'm glad you saw how horrible he was before you ended up marrying him. After you get your stuff, block him and don't look back. If your relatives can get your stuff without your being there, that would be best. 1 1
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