Is he right to demand this?

[Lianna]

Boyfriend broke up with me one week ago over voicemail after we had an argument. We've had long distance relationship for a while, and it's been taking its toll. We'd decided before Christmas that I would come to him for a couple of weeks in late January. One of the reasons he was upset was that I was only able to come for 10 days due to work. He was very firm that we had agreed upon two weeks, so it was this or nothing at all. He also said I should tell work that I had promised my boyfriend and take the two weeks anyway, as he should be more important than my work. This made it boil over for me. After the phone call he sent me a voicemail where he said he'll never forgive me for not making him a priority and that he's ending the relationship for good.

Next day, I tried to call him a couple of times, but he didn't pick up the phone. I sent him a few messages which he ignored. I was devastated. Meanwhile, the situation at work sorted itself out, so I could have two weeks off. However, it was clear he didn't want to speak with me. I thought it was over for good and didn't expect to hear from him in a positive way again.

A couple of days later, my sister invited me for a long weekend in the beginning of February to get me out of the dark place I was in. I said yes. Then a week after he dumped me, I got a message from my ex where he asked if we could talk. I agreed. When we talked I understood that he wanted me back. 

He then expected me to still come to him in January. I told him that I could come within the next couple of days, but that I had agreed to go on a long weekend with my sister in February, so it would still only be 10 days. Or I could come for 14 full days after the long weekend. Whatever he preferred.

He said that going on the long weekend with my sister would be selfish of me. I tried to explain that I feel it's wrong to drop her now just because he decided to take me back. He stated that as I've said he's the most important person to me, I should put him and our relationship first and my sister should understand this. That I should tell my sister that the situation had changed. 

He gave me an ultimatum, either I drop the long weekend and come to him, or he won't have contact with me until we see each other in March. He kept saying I'm selfish and not putting the relationship first and that I'm hard to deal with. I feel like he's being so unreasonable. What should I do? Am I in the wrong here? I'm tempted to just skip the whole relationship at this point. 

[preraph]

He sounds like a jerk.  He's too bossy and controlling.  Why even bother?  You really want this guy to control your life from now on?

[Daisydooks]

52 minutes ago, Lianna said:

He gave me an ultimatum, either I drop the long weekend and come to him, or he won't have contact with me until we see each other in March. He kept saying I'm selfish and not putting the relationship first and that I'm hard to deal with. I feel like he's being so unreasonable. What should I do? Am I in the wrong here? I'm tempted to just skip the whole relationship at this point. 

Tell him to beat it. Dont see him in March either. I would honestly block him from everything and start moving on. 

This is toxic and the saddest part is you genuinely didnt know for sure that it was unreasonable. I'm glad you asked for advice because your gut is telling you something and you should listen. 

You couldnt pay me to go to see him if he treated me this way. Go have a tonne of fun with your sister. Cry. Laugh. Scream. Enjoy your time together. Forget this tool however. He will bring you down to a low you dont yet see. 

I have a feeling this isnt the first time hes been controlling and manipulative? 

Edited January 25, 2020 by Daisydooks

[Miss Spider]

I agree with the others. What a controlling jackass. Tell him “Bye, Felipe”

[preraph]

Controlling is abuse.  

[Mrin]

Move along. Totally unreasonable and honestly, abusive. 

[smackie9]

Yup he’s a jerk, kick him to the curb with the rest of the trash.

[Andy_K]

He's terrible, get rid.

But I'm concerned that you even need to ask this. You don't often get such 100% unanimous feedback here, so you need to consider why this answer isn't already obvious to you. Put yourself in the other position. Would you expect from him what he's expecting from you? If the answer is a clear 'No', then you two clearly aren't on the same wavelength, and anything you do to try to sustain a relationship like that is just swimming against the tide. It's a waste of energy, and ultimately unproductive. You can do better.

[d0nnivain]

He's rather entitled & completely inflexible.  You can't build a future with somebody so selfish.   You can't just tell your job that your BF wants you to take 2 weeks off

[Lianna]

Thank you so much for all the feedback guys! I really appreciate it as my eyes are really clouded in this relationship. It's not the first time we have a similar sort of situation. I feel something is off, yet I'm so easily being sucked back into the relationship as he can be totally loving and sweet.

He said to me that if it was his sister, she would totally understand, and if my sister doesn't, then she's as selfish as me. That I'm a raisin picker, wanting to have the cake and eat it too. If I make a decision without consulting him, he goes on about how decisions need to be made together in a relationship and that I'm most likely too selfish to be in one. I should add, there is quite an age gap between us, which stupidly made me look up to him sometimes.

I'm supposed to ring him tonight and am already dreading it. He sent me a voicemail beforehand "in preparation" for our talks, where he more or less implicitly said that he'll dump me if I don't drop the weekend trip with my sister. Also implying that my ex didn't have a spine (he doesn't know him and I never said one bad word about him), but that he was not afraid to stand up to me and go his own way. I was in a healthy long relationship before I met my current boyfriend and he likes to bring up how amazed he is that I managed to be in a five years long relationship with someone being such a selfish person that I am.

I'm just confused why I feel so sad and low at the thought of him dumping me, when really I should be happy about it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Lianna said:

I was in a healthy long relationship before I met my current boyfriend and he likes to bring up how amazed he is that I managed to be in a five years long relationship with someone being such a selfish person that I am.

Girl. This is emotionally abusive, manipulative malarkey. 

You need to get away from this man. He is not a good guy. 

Edited January 26, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[FMW]

I agree with everyone else.  Dump this guy.  Yikes.  

[preraph]

So don't let him dump you. Lock his phone number and his email and block him on your social media and you dump him instead. You don't even need to talk to him. He knows he's a jerk and he knows what you're disagreeing about. Block the crap out of him and leave it blocked and forget about him. 

[smackie9]

That's his game girl....to pound your self esteem down so you will go crawling back to him...that is so mentally abusive. He wants you to feel bad, he diverts blame and manipulates you. Don't talk to him anymore...break those chains and block/delete.

[preraph]

You'll feel much better if YOU do the dumping.  It's a lot more empowering that stewing because someone did something unfair to you and then dumped you.  He might learn something from the experience.  

[kendahke]

21 hours ago, Lianna said:

One of the reasons he was upset was that I was only able to come for 10 days due to work. He was very firm that we had agreed upon two weeks, so it was this or nothing at all. He also said I should tell work that I had promised my boyfriend and take the two weeks anyway, as he should be more important than my work.

He can not be serious!!!!!

Your job will hoist the bird up the mast at both you and him if you breathed any of that to them--and would he then support you and let you move in with him til you found suitable employment after that debacle?

22 hours ago, Lianna said:

What should I do?

Dump him and block him from all communications. He's going to emotionally beat you up if you continue to expose your soft underbelly to him like you've been doing.

Are you going to like the person you're going to have to become in order to be with this clown?

[OatsAndHall]

You're feeling the way you do because he's gaslighting you and others left and right. By turning his bad behavior back on you and your sister, he's making you question yourself and you actions which is keeping you attached. It's not difficult to get sucked in when someone is manipulative like this as you continually view yourself as at least partly to blame for all of their garbage.

[Lianna]

Thanks everyone for your input. I just got off the phone with him. It was two hours of him telling me I'm mean, selfish and calculated. He called me a dog running after my sister and my parents whenever they throw a treat in the air. That I behave like a child. I said I wanted to keep it in a respectful tone, but he attacked everything that I said. When I cried, he said that he's the victim, not me and that I should stop feeling sorry for myself. Immediately after the phone talk he wrote that my true character was revealed and that he will never speak with me again, and before I could say something, he blocked me. He still has my stuff, my computer among other things. I don't even know how to get it back now. 

[OatsAndHall]

4 minutes ago, Lianna said:

Thanks everyone for your input. I just got off the phone with him. It was two hours of him telling me I'm mean, selfish and calculated. He called me a dog running after my sister and my parents whenever they throw a treat in the air. That I behave like a child. I said I wanted to keep it in a respectful tone, but he attacked everything that I said. When I cried, he said that he's the victim, not me and that I should stop feeling sorry for myself. Immediately after the phone talk he wrote that my true character was revealed and that he will never speak with me again, and before I could say something, he blocked me. He still has my stuff, my computer among other things. I don't even know how to get it back now. 

 

Even money says he'll be trying to contact you soon. He's playing a typical gaslighter game; he's trying to make you feel like the villain in the hopes that he can weasel his way back in and get his way. Block everything but ONE email address. Send him an email with a list of your things in his possession and tell him you want to find a way to get them back. It sounds like you two live a considerable distance apart so offer to pay for the shipping. If you don't get your stuff back, take him to small claims court.

[BaileyB]

If it’s a choice between your sister and this man that you are having to make, I would most definitely chose your sister.

[preraph]

He should give your computer back to you but I don't know if it's worth it. That's probably what emboldened him to block you because he knows you want that computer back. How about you send e-mail relative over to get it? 

[d0nnivain]

Presumably you know where he lives & you have mutual friends.  Give him time to pout.   If he doesn't unblock you in a few days show up there to get your stuff

[kendahke]

Tell the police that he has your possessions and won't give them back--see what they tell you to do.

[d0nnivain]

Don't waste police resources as your opening gambit.  Call from somebody else phone.  Get a mutual friend to recover your stuff.  Go over there.  

[scooby-philly]

As a good, decent, caring man I would agree with everyone on this thread - get rid of him.

 

Now normally I don't rush to judgment as we only here one side of a story on this forum and often there's not enough context about a relationship or the "other person" given up front in a post (though some people are really good at giving enough detail) to make a sound judgment about an entire relationship. However a few things jumped out at me (keeping in mind we're assuming what you shared to be accurate and truthful):

• He broke up with you via voicemail. If you're both over 22/24 you don't do that. It's okay to text or call someone (or email) when you're first getting to know them. To me, anything after 3 months, at definitely at 6 months or more - that sh!$ deserves in person
• He doesn't see that the situation with your situation is his fault. It would be one thing to ask you to cancel if he feels bad about the whole thing. Telling you to cancel with your sister or he'll leave means he doesn't recognize he caused the original problem leading to this situation
• He's made abandonment threats several times. To me, that's a no go. Automatic goodbye at any point in the relationship, unless there's only been one instances and there's a long, healthy discussion about the consequences of doing it again and you (the one threatened) think they're capable of sticking to it. People in love and with healthy egos, emotional maturity, a balanced life, a heart full of kindness, and empathy do not threaten to abandon people in their lives. Sure, you can tease someone "if you don't do the dishes there's no "snack" later"...lol. But even too much of that isn't healthy - but threatening to abandon an entire relationships is immature, emotionally unstable, and ridiculous. If you chose to enter into a relationship and you hit 6 or more months, it's your responsibility to help make it work
• He's insulted you. Now, we all lose are cool and get angry at times. But if there's a pattern to him attacking you (verbally) and insulting you - not what you did or did not do but your personhood - that's rude, ignorant, and demonstrates either he doesn't fully love you (because we accept our loved ones flaws if we're mature and healthy) or he's got issues of his own that he hasn't addressed.

 

Those 4 things combined warrant you ending this. I would advocate, if you care about him and there's some redeeming qualities to him, to break up in person, lay out what I just told you and tell him you hope he fixes those things and meets someone great in the future. Then you can walk away with a healthy and clear conscience and you know you tried your best.

 

Sorry for your pain and suffering.

 

Lesson learned - age does not equate maturity. Making assumptions like that leads to heartbreak. I know, I'm 38 and got dumped 5 months ago by a 24F. I thought she was mature for her age when I first met her - but I confused her lack of a social life and the way she love bombed me in the beginning with her being emotionally mature and healthy. Surprise! Not saying that you can't date someone older - but age doesn't necessarily translate to a better "catch"...