miss2017 Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 (edited) I have posted here asking for advice before about my on-off relationship with this guy that ended badly last year. He asked me to marry him, gave me an engagement ring and then we had an argument and he left me on the spot and after 1 month was with a new woman. I was left heartbroken at the time and shut down emotionally to heal and recover. It took me several months but I have finally realised what happened, why I allowed him into my life and I feel stronger now and know the type of man/partner I want. So I met this guy on Tinder, we have many things in common and we are very sexually attracted to each other. We didn't do any sexting but we talked about how we feel about each other and wanting to take things further. I don't feel this guy is "the one" for a serious relationship, but the truth is, he is making me feel alive again! I have my sexual desire back and it feels soooo good! It makes me feel more alive and passionate about life feeling this sexual energy again, since sexual energy is life force energy. I just don't know though if I should go ahead and have sex with him. I mean, I really want it, and I feel I would like to be with a new man intimately since for a very long time I only had sex with my ex and got really physically attached to him, and being with another man would break that. It's just that I don't know if I can deal with the afterwards when we go back home and I don't have a relationship. I'm quite confused. What do you think? Edited January 25, 2020 by miss2017
rjc149 Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 It’s 100% up to you. There is nothing wrong with liking, wanting, or having sex for fun and nothing more. You are allowed to be a sexual person. 2
kendahke Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 The first thing is to get clear on what it is that you really want? And does it dove-tail with what this new guy on Tinder wants? There's nothing wrong with casual sex if you are very clear up front that you know that you don't want a relationship with the guy---and he knows you don't want a relationship with him nor he you. The problem is when your libido is talking you into something while you've got a fever for it and when the fever breaks, as all fevers do, can you be cool with having nothing to show for it? If you're confused, then that means that you've still got unresolved issues going on with regards to how your last relationship blew up and if this is an exercise in trying to replace your ex or is it truly you exploring sexual liberation. 1
alphamale Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 casual sex is mostly for the young, and it's totally overrated 1
Author miss2017 Posted January 25, 2020 Author Posted January 25, 2020 (edited) 24 minutes ago, kendahke said: The first thing is to get clear on what it is that you really want? And does it dove-tail with what this new guy on Tinder wants? There's nothing wrong with casual sex if you are very clear up front that you know that you don't want a relationship with the guy---and he knows you don't want a relationship with him nor he you. The problem is when your libido is talking you into something while you've got a fever for it and when the fever breaks, as all fevers do, can you be cool with having nothing to show for it? If you're confused, then that means that you've still got unresolved issues going on with regards to how your last relationship blew up and if this is an exercise in trying to replace your ex or is it truly you exploring sexual liberation. Well, we talked about what we are looking for, and both of us said we want a relationship and not just casual sex, but he is very lustful and I believe that that is what is driving him and it won't be anything else after that. I don't want a relationship with him because I don't see it with him, and also because he lives far away from me and we both have kids, so it would be a distance relationship most of the month, and I don't want that. No it is not to replace my ex at all. It is more to help me heal and move on, being with a different man than my ex. I was very shocked when I knew that my ex was with a different woman only a month after we broke up, as I could never do that after saying yes to marry someone. But now I feel ready to be intimate with another man and yes is about sexual and emotional liberation. Edited January 25, 2020 by miss2017
Miss Spider Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 Not my cuppa’, but a lot of people seem to like it. If he says he wants a relationship maybe tell him the truth that you don’t? Say you think you just want something casual(with him, but don’t say “with you”), so he’s clear. If he’s ok with it, go smash and dash. Be safe, have fun. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 (edited) STDs are on the rise in the hookup culture, there's no test for HPV in men, HPV can be transmitted via oral, and it can cause cervical cancer or even sterility. This is one of the main reasons I have no interest in casual sex. It's a losing game. Phone sex can be super fun and sexy, and it's totally safe. Edited January 25, 2020 by Ruby Slippers 1
Ms.Jade Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 (edited) I used to do friends with benefits when I was younger. It's fun for awhile until some one eventually catches feelings and 9 times out of 10 it usually happens. If you're the type to get emotionally attached to a guy then I will say avoid it altogether so you don't end up being heartbroken. If you do it, I advise no sleepovers, keep kissing and cuddling to a minimum to avoid potential feelings developing. SAFE SEX always because if he's down for casual sex don't be surprised if he has other partners for casual sex. Edited January 25, 2020 by Ms.Jade
alphamale Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 35 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: Phone sex can be super fun and sexy, and it's totally safe. that's like a pizza without sauce and cheese 2
Ruby Slippers Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 ^ Not for me, and probably a lot of women. It's the taste of pizza without the fat and calories
greymatter Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 1 hour ago, alphamale said: that's like a pizza without sauce and cheese Agree. 1
mark clemson Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 2 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: STDs are on the rise in the hookup culture, there's no test for HPV in men, HPV can be transmitted via oral, and it can cause cervical cancer or even sterility. While this is all true and a genuine risk, there is a vaccine for HPV now. Not sure about efficacy in adults, but that would be a thing to discuss with one's doctor (if interested).
basil67 Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 The vaccine prevents infection. But it's not a cure for someone who's already infected. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 And it doesn't always work. Casual sex is not a good bet for women. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 Im getting the feeling you are looking for a self esteem boost from it...Probably not a good idea, as there is so many ways that can turn out putting you in a worse spot than when you started... Otherwise as an adult do as you please... TFY
smackie9 Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 Don’t do it. You are the type that has their heart set on a relationship. Having casual sex will have you feeling empty afterwards. Your emotions with his guy is misleading you. 3
Andy_K Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 To play devil's advocate a bit... if you're unsure about this now, the only way you'll really resolve that confusion is by trying it and seeing how it works for you. Maybe you'll find it's great. Maybe one/both of you end up hurt and regretful. Either way, your mind will be clear in the future and you'll no longer expend energy trying to figure out whether or not you want it.
Author miss2017 Posted January 26, 2020 Author Posted January 26, 2020 5 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said: Im getting the feeling you are looking for a self esteem boost from it...Probably not a good idea, as there is so many ways that can turn out putting you in a worse spot than when you started... Otherwise as an adult do as you please... TFY Absolutely not. My self-esteem is really good now as I have been taking good care of myself and it doesn't depend on anything external. It's more to do with sexual liberation from my previous relationship, and also with wanting sex of course. As I said before, I was very attached to the guy I was together with last year and at the time I couldn't imagine being intimate with any other man in the world. I just wanted him. And now I feel that I need to have a sexual experience with another man in order to break free from that from the past and move on.
Author miss2017 Posted January 26, 2020 Author Posted January 26, 2020 26 minutes ago, Andy_K said: To play devil's advocate a bit... if you're unsure about this now, the only way you'll really resolve that confusion is by trying it and seeing how it works for you. Maybe you'll find it's great. Maybe one/both of you end up hurt and regretful. Either way, your mind will be clear in the future and you'll no longer expend energy trying to figure out whether or not you want it. Yes we are planning on getting together next weekend, and both have said without any expectations of having sex. We are just meeting and spending some time together and see how we feel. So, no pressure. If I still want it at that time, and he wants it too, then I'll do it.
Author miss2017 Posted January 26, 2020 Author Posted January 26, 2020 4 hours ago, smackie9 said: Don’t do it. You are the type that has their heart set on a relationship. Having casual sex will have you feeling empty afterwards. Your emotions with his guy is misleading you. I have my heart set on a relationship and will always have, because that's what I want. But that doesn't mean just with anyone. I don't feel like being in a relationship with this guy. I do like him and feel very sexually attracted to him, but I don't feel anything that tells me we would be great in a serious relationship. So no, I won't feel empty afterwards because I know exactly what this is.
elaine567 Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 1 hour ago, miss2017 said: I have my heart set on a relationship and will always have, because that's what I want. But that doesn't mean just with anyone. I don't feel like being in a relationship with this guy. I do like him and feel very sexually attracted to him, but I don't feel anything that tells me we would be great in a serious relationship. So no, I won't feel empty afterwards because I know exactly what this is. I get that you don't see this going anywhere and that is fine. You are somewhat in control. This guy wants to sleep with you and that is validating. You decide if you take this further or not. It is a bit of ego boost. Your ex and you will then be quits. BUT what happens when you have an apparently great time together and he then ghosts you or does a fast fade or tells you he doesn't want to do it again or he treats you almost like an escort. Where is your carefully built up self esteem then? 1
smackie9 Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 7 hours ago, miss2017 said: I have my heart set on a relationship and will always have, because that's what I want. But that doesn't mean just with anyone. I don't feel like being in a relationship with this guy. I do like him and feel very sexually attracted to him, but I don't feel anything that tells me we would be great in a serious relationship. So no, I won't feel empty afterwards because I know exactly what this is. I know you know what this is, but it's the fact you come here asking about it....the temptation is strongly there, and I got the impression from your post you are worried that you will get too caught up in it, hence my remark about your emotions misleading you.
Author miss2017 Posted January 26, 2020 Author Posted January 26, 2020 5 hours ago, elaine567 said: I get that you don't see this going anywhere and that is fine. You are somewhat in control. This guy wants to sleep with you and that is validating. You decide if you take this further or not. It is a bit of ego boost. Your ex and you will then be quits. BUT what happens when you have an apparently great time together and he then ghosts you or does a fast fade or tells you he doesn't want to do it again or he treats you almost like an escort. Where is your carefully built up self esteem then? Yes that's the feeling I have, me having sex with another man will be a bit of a "rite of passage" where me and my ex will then be over. I hate the fact my ex was the last man I kissed and the last man I had sex with. Truly hate it. Well, if he ghosts me or does a fast fade or tells me he doesn't want to do it again, then I'll just carry on with my life. He is not the only guy I am talking to. I have been talking to another guy (no sex related) and am really enjoying it. I also have a coffee date with another guy in two days. So, it wouldn't be the end of the world if the guy I have sex with does that. Maybe I'll be sad for like 20 minutes if the sex was good, and that's it. Wish him well. And if he treats me almost like an escort, then I won't see him again. Simple. As I said, my self-esteem does not depend on what other people do or don't do. It comes from me, from inside. So it wouldn't affect it. Anyway, we did some sexting this morning and he blatantly asked me if I swallow... don't know why, but I felt put off by this. Not by the swallowing thing, but by the question. I didn't like it. So I'm not sure if I want to go on with this.
Author miss2017 Posted January 26, 2020 Author Posted January 26, 2020 (edited) 29 minutes ago, smackie9 said: I know you know what this is, but it's the fact you come here asking about it....the temptation is strongly there, and I got the impression from your post you are worried that you will get too caught up in it, hence my remark about your emotions misleading you. I'm not worried I'll get too caught up in it. I believe that when we have sex with someone, we re taking in that person's energy (especially for women). If their energy is not good that will affect you in a bad way. And since my break-up I worked hard to take myself to a very good place and I don't want to f*** that up. That's my concern. Edited January 26, 2020 by miss2017 1
kendahke Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 This On 1/25/2020 at 3:18 PM, miss2017 said: I don't know if I can deal with the afterwards when we go back home and I don't have a relationship. has nothing to do with 22 hours ago, miss2017 said: yes is about sexual and emotional liberation. You don't need a relationship to have sexual and emotional liberation. Just go out and get you some and leave it at that. But your comment on 1/25 sounds like someone who is really after a relationship and is talking herself into ignoring that--which seems to be what Smackie is getting at.
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