sabopper Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 Matched on hinge beginning of January I’m F21, he’s 25 and hit it off really well. Been hanging out and no complaints, I’m actually scared because of how nice he’s been treating me & he’s already admitted he really really likes me. He’s insanely open about how into me he is and how he’s scared about being vulnerable also. Last night while we were together we were talking about how it makes me anxious in the beginning if I don’t hear from him and I get work and life get busy. But just a “hey I’m having a long day hope yours is well” something along those lines is all I really need as reassurance. It’s the next day (today) and he didn’t even text me until 6pm when I reached out to tell him hey this is sorta what I was talking about. He apologized.. things felt sorta iffy and he told me he was pretty high (weed). Not thinking anything of it, I was asking if he still wanted to have a sleepover tomorrow night (we haven’t had sex or a sleepover yet) he was like “well I want us to go out to the bars together before we hang” and I said “I sorta told you a couple times I didn’t wanna do that tomorrow.” I told him that when we were at dinner last night and when we texted before we slept. And he went “well sleep on it and lmk” I’m always down to go out, but I wanted our first night in together to not be sloppy off alcohol or tired coming home at 2am. Idk maybe I’m lame for that but whatever we have going feels so good and new & I was looking forward to it. He just kept trying to push it and I started snapping. It just felt s***ty that he couldn’t grasp what I was trying to explain. He then started sassing me pretty hard and saying I was making it such a big deal and yelling at him (this was over text and I wasn’t even using caps lock or anything lol) but I just wanted him to understand I wanted things to be special and cute and I expressed that in so many ways I was getting frustrated. He then said “you are cute, except when you’re mad at me. It can still be a special night, we’ll figure it out tomorrow.” And then left me hanging when I replied with “I’m not mad.. I was just excited and I got bummed out for a second when going out seemed more important” I guess maybe I’m being dramatic sure, but my feelings are valid. And I’m not gonna stop a guy from going out if that’s what he wants. I guess I’m trying to spend time with him because I’ll be slammed with studying soon, and I know I don’t have the opportunity to sleep there coming up. We obviously hadn’t had any arguments and I haven’t opened myself up and been vulnerable to a guy in almost two years. I don’t know how to do this anymore. I’m scared he’s just gonna not text me tomorrow and make me do the reaching out, and I don’t wanna do the fixing every time we’re upset with each other. It’s such a dumb and silly argument I know, I guess I just wanna know how any of you would proceed with this tomorrow. I hate going to bed upset with someone, and i hate that he just left me hanging. But I can’t expect everyone to handle things like me. Someone pls tell me where I went wrong. I know he had a long almost 12 hour day at work and maybe I picked bad timing with everything. I just didn’t think it would result in this.
Art_Critic Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 By proceed tomorrow you mean you are going out to the bars.. Because figure it out tomorrow is meaning he isn't changing and he is expecting you to compromise. there is no reason this early in dating to be having power struggle fights. I would just go out with him and do what he wants to do then afterward pay attention for more yellow flags because in my mind it is a yellow flag that he isn't comprimiding and basically forcing it in you. 1
elaine567 Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 My guess he needs to get drunk/high in order to sleep with you. That isn't as bad as it sounds. I am not suggesting you are not hot or sexy enough. He probably just feels under pressure to "perform" and doing that stone cold sober may be stressing him out. He maybe feels he needs some Dutch courage... Then again he may be one o these guys who needs to "party" all the time and anything else is " boring". If he uses a lot of weed, you may find you need to explain yourself a lot quite regularly... 2
smackie9 Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 (edited) Ya he needs liquid courage to "perform". IMO you shouldn't "plan" the special moment, because this crap seems to happen. You should just let it happen organically, in the heat of passion, etc. Setting a place, date and time takes the magic out of it and adds unnecessary pressure. Edited January 25, 2020 by smackie9 3
ExpatInItaly Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 You've know this guy, what, 3 weeks? You're treating this like it's already an established relationship and getting ahead of yourself, emotionally-speaking. You two still hardly know each other, and you're already giving him the gears about not texting enough and not doing enough to make your first sleepover "special and cute." Too many expectations, too soon. Give him the chance to show you who he is, rather than who you want him to be. You may be compatible, you may not. Take a deep breath. Relax. Don't try to pressure it to be something more than it is right now. 5
smackie9 Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Give him the chance to show you who he is, rather than who you want him to be. You may be compatible, you may not. Take a deep breath. Relax. Don't try to pressure it to be something more than it is right now. "he’s already admitted he really really likes me. He’s insanely open about how into me he is and how he’s scared about being vulnerable also". This^^^ is why she thinks he already has. TBH I think he's blowing pot smoke up her #$$ 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 Once a woman starts in on the nagging and mothering, things start to go into a downward spiral fast. You either need to accept him for who he is, or find someone who is more into the same things you are.
Author sabopper Posted January 25, 2020 Author Posted January 25, 2020 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: "he’s already admitted he really really likes me. He’s insanely open about how into me he is and how he’s scared about being vulnerable also". This^^^ is why she thinks he already has. TBH I think he's blowing pot smoke up her #$$ Ya, I’m not doing this on my own and it’s not one sided. He’s already brought up Valentine’s Day several times and I’ve even said we don’t need to do anything too crazy for that since it’s still really new. I’m not really jumping the gun on my own, it’s sort of going both ways. But yeah we probably should take it slower.
Author sabopper Posted January 25, 2020 Author Posted January 25, 2020 (edited) 48 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: Once a woman starts in on the nagging and mothering, things start to go into a downward spiral fast. You either need to accept him for who he is, or find someone who is more into the same things you are. I’m accepting of who he is. We partied last weekend, and went out and got drinks the other night. I love going out don’t get me wrong, but I just wasn’t really in the mood to be out until 2am for once but we talked and he wasn’t even thinking about it like that all. I explained more in another reply. Edited January 25, 2020 by sabopper
Author sabopper Posted January 25, 2020 Author Posted January 25, 2020 4 hours ago, Art_Critic said: By proceed tomorrow you mean you are going out to the bars.. Because figure it out tomorrow is meaning he isn't changing and he is expecting you to compromise. there is no reason this early in dating to be having power struggle fights. I would just go out with him and do what he wants to do then afterward pay attention for more yellow flags because in my mind it is a yellow flag that he isn't comprimiding and basically forcing it in you. Yeah he FaceTimed me when he woke up. He wanted to go out somewhere that has a dj show that goes from 10-4am. So I was under the impression he wanted to be out insanely late and I’m just feeling blah about being out all night. He just wanted to be out until 11, which I was fine compromising. I just thought he’d wanna party late from where he was saying he wanted us to go. Which I should’ve asked but didn’t think about. And I apologized for being so hard headed about it
elaine567 Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 I think planning sex is a very bad idea, unless you are maybe married with kids and need to arrange sitters... You are young, you need to go where the mood takes you... 1
Author sabopper Posted January 25, 2020 Author Posted January 25, 2020 Just now, elaine567 said: I think planning sex is a very bad idea, unless you are maybe married with kids and need to arrange sitters... You are young, you need to go where the mood takes you... Yeah definitely makes sense. It was more so to me about just chilling w his dog and watching a Netflix doc and seeing where the night goes bc that what we had already talked about, not necessarily was saying ok were having sex at 10:30. But it comes off weird and too much so I get where I could’ve been wrong with how I worded things
d0nnivain Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 There were a number of points where this went wrong. 1. You haven't even known this guy for 20 freakin' days. It's way too soon for you to need anything from him. You should not be anxious if you haven't heard from him. You went 21 years without him. How can you be anxious now barely 21 days in to knowing him if you don't hear from him? Daily contact is for well established relationships of several months or more. Your request for contact reassuring you of anything screams clingy & insecure. 2. The idea that you are "scared" because he's being nice breaks my heart. Of course he's being nice. This is all new & you two are strangers. It's the honeymoon phase & everybody is on their best behavior using their company manners. If this is a new experience for you, what kind of awful people were you dating before you met him? Yikes. 3. You tried to have an emotionally laden conversation over text with a guy you knew was in an altered state (high on weed). I can't even begin to explain to you how many different kinds of wrong that was. First never ever have emotional conversations over text. Leave texts for short, factual messages -- I'm in the booth in the back or Have a nice day. Emotional conversations need face to face communication. 4. I'm seeing a guy who is more about the party then the people. Being high & wanting to go out before going home with you. You are absolutely within your boundaries to want sex to be meaningful not drunken or tired but when he wasn't agreeing to that you needed to drop the subject & re-evaluate this stranger. You may be on different pages here. You can't force him to change any more then he can force you into a drunken hook up. Face it. This fledging romance has already hit the rocks. What's the point of trying to hang on? 2
Author sabopper Posted January 25, 2020 Author Posted January 25, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: There were a number of points where this went wrong. 1. You haven't even known this guy for 20 freakin' days. It's way too soon for you to need anything from him. You should not be anxious if you haven't heard from him. You went 21 years without him. How can you be anxious now barely 21 days in to knowing him if you don't hear from him? Daily contact is for well established relationships of several months or more. Your request for contact reassuring you of anything screams clingy & insecure. 2. The idea that you are "scared" because he's being nice breaks my heart. Of course he's being nice. This is all new & you two are strangers. It's the honeymoon phase & everybody is on their best behavior using their company manners. If this is a new experience for you, what kind of awful people were you dating before you met him? Yikes. 3. You tried to have an emotionally laden conversation over text with a guy you knew was in an altered state (high on weed). I can't even begin to explain to you how many different kinds of wrong that was. First never ever have emotional conversations over text. Leave texts for short, factual messages -- I'm in the booth in the back or Have a nice day. Emotional conversations need face to face communication. 4. I'm seeing a guy who is more about the party then the people. Being high & wanting to go out before going home with you. You are absolutely within your boundaries to want sex to be meaningful not drunken or tired but when he wasn't agreeing to that you needed to drop the subject & re-evaluate this stranger. You may be on different pages here. You can't force him to change any more then he can force you into a drunken hook up. Face it. This fledging romance has already hit the rocks. What's the point of trying to hang on? Ok response to 1. Totally get that, but I’m the only one who’s texting him things about being scared and liking me. He already has previously stated he enjoys spending time with me and wants to see where things go with me. He’s said to me also he feels like he’s potentially getting played. I’m not the only one acting like this. 2. yeah I’ve been in some s***ty ass relationships/flings in the past and so has he. I’m trying to work on being more open in the future and not letting the pest control me but it’s hard when something new is around and you’re genuinely enjoying it. 3. I didn’t realize talking about plans was wrong to do when he was high before it got out of hand. It just sort of kept going and yeah I should’ve been the first to say, let’s just talk tomorrow but I didn’t. Your comment about things being factual and not emotional I agree with, but sometimes it happens and I should work on not doing things abruptly over text. 4. I party a lot, like a lot. I was in a bad car accident Tuesday and being out on the roads or out late is making me ancy. I didn’t express that to him until we talked this morning and I probably should’ve said it earlier. I don’t think he wasn’t agreeing to having sex sober, he’s told me we don’t even need to have sex until I’m comfortable with it. There’s a lot more to it then I wanted to write in this post. We ended up FaceTiming and I apologized for how I acted and as did he. It went perfectly fine and we figured it out. I don’t really think it’s hit the rocks. If that’s how you see things when s*** just sorta hits the fan for a second then we differ there. Edited January 25, 2020 by sabopper
ExpatInItaly Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 It's good that you two worked it out, OP. Just remember to keep some perspective here. He's still practically a stranger to you. You're attaching a lot of emotion to this already and letting your anxiety creep in, so it would be wise to dial back your expectations a bit and let things unfold more naturally.
d0nnivain Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 (edited) I'm sorry you were in a car accident. I'm glad you are OK enough to type & you think you are up for physical stuff with your BF. Less then a week after the accident, it doesn't sound so bad, or at least the car did it's job. Conversations can get out of control & if he's saying all these sweet / vulnerable things to you I can see you wanting to follow his lead. Just stop doing it through text message. Falling in love is heady stuff. But it's just too soon & creates a false sense of intimacy with zero foundation. If he's spinning this romantic yarn, you need to dial it back & apply the brakes. He's either a player who will say anything to get in your pants or he's clueless about what it takes to sustain a relationship. Either way, that makes him a bad prospect for a relationship. If you really want this to move forward try this instead. Back off the texting. Adopt a que cera, cera attitude. Go out partying with him tonight if you are physically up for it. Make sure you can get home safely without him. Stick to your guns & no drunken / tired sex. Next weekend invite him over for Sunday brunch complete with Bloody Mary's or mimosas. . . then see where nature takes you for a bit of tipsy but not drunken afternoon delight. He gets his liquid courage & you get something more romantic / less sloppy in an environment you control. I'm all for working things out in a good relationship but this level of disagreement, anxiety & lack of compassion for your accident less then a month in is not a good relationship IMO. Edited January 25, 2020 by d0nnivain
Lotsgoingon Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 (edited) Your strategy is off ... Telling someone that you're scared and vulnerable and that you need X to be secure ... no, that doesn't work early on. Now, spelling out your needs is better than not ... but YOU have to take care of your own needs. I think you're committing too soon ... thinking that the relationships is, as others have said, further than it is. He doesn't text you ... then pull back and don't reply immediately when he does finally text you. He doesn't reach out as you want, then he's not the guy for you. Ignore words ... of course, I'm slightly exaggerating here ... but only slightly. "I'm into you" really means nothing. You want someone who is into you and who treats you as you want to be treated. You getting scared so soon means you probably need to slow down ... And stop explaining. Just say, "No, I don't want do to x." Period! You have your strong preferences. State them plainly. Just say "no." Not, no, I don't wanna do this because I have this fear ... no, just say "no. I don't want to go out to a bar. I'd rather do this." If the relationship is going to work, it has to fit around how you are, right now. Announcing your fears is taking yourself out of the game. One, a new person doesn't want to hear about our relationship fears. Two, so what that you have these fears! He's not supposed to just change how he is to deal with your fears. You want to find someone who makes you feel comfortable--in actions--not just words. Actions. It's really hard to do this, but you have to not chase when someone is standing at a distance. If they don't reach out to you, leave them alone. You are an adult. You can control the pace. Anything you don't want to do--especially at the start--DON'T do it. Pace the relationship so that you are not afraid. Bottom line ... I don't think this guy is for you ... You are running from that conclusion, which seems pretty obvious ... in the early days, if a couple can't get in sync on just going out, trust me, there are bigger problems in store ... People are at their most charming, most accommodating at the start. If things don't feel comfortable at the start, back off, leave him alone. So what you're doing wrong is ... you're assuming this thing with him SHOULD work. No ... that's what dating is about--to see if it things work with a different person. The answer so far to me, is "no." Things aren't working. He's not meeting your standards. Back off. A person should be able to meet your standards early on ... without you having to tell your life story, without you having to reveal all your pain from previous relationships. You bring up your pain ... only after you feel secure ... and know that this is a person you can trust. Edited January 25, 2020 by Lotsgoingon 1
scooby-philly Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 OP, If you've never been truly vulnerable with someone before it can cause problems the first time you open up. If someone didn't grow up that way (and trust me, more than 50 or 75% of people do) for those who want to open up, it usually happens 18-24 - either in college or just after as you establish yourself. So you (and maybe he) are emotionally bombing each other early on and both of you don't know how to handle it. THat's fine and that doesn't spell the end of a budding relationship. Just slow things down and talk things out and take a break from the future planning and stuff and just get to know each other. It sounds like you both realized where the recent convo went wrong and apologized - which is a good sign for your both. Ignore the people making rude comments about him - he may just have been dying to go out or he may have really wanted to see this dj or whatever. You realize you could have asked him "can we not stay out too late" instead of "let's not go out at all". And seems, from what you describe, that he realizes that he was putting way too much pressure on you to adapt. He could have also been more descriptive of what he wanted to do and why and for how long. Now - one last note - stop the whole planning sex thing. I know it's a high as you haven't done it with him yet. But besides potentially putting him in a place where he feels he has to perform, it also doesn't do anything for you emotionally. If you're planning the first round of intercourse, what happens at 6 months? 6 years? Great sex is often spontaneous. From a man's perspective - if I really like someone (or love them when it gets to that stage) and we were out doing x, y, or z and my partner/gf/wife came up to me and sex - let's head home I want you to f*** me for an hour, or starting rubbing me in public then unless it was something like a broadway play or something where we spent a decent amoutn of money and was an "experience"...I'd be hotter than hell and not care about staying out any later. Be more spontaneous with that sort of thing and it will make him feel wanted instead of feeling pressured.
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