really disappointed by latest situation

[beentheredonethat77]

I had been talking to / flirting with/ coffee/had a drink dated quite a few times, with this man since early December.  All of his business trips hes been texting me constantly, calling moreso, voice notes.. pictures and saying 'you should come along to my next trip'.  When we first met early December he seemed beyond excited.. almost to the point of needy, although he wasn't.. he was just 'eager' as he put it.   He is a very busy business owner who travels a lot (but to places where there are no women like middle of desert saudi arabia).  He is extremely attractive so i was pretty excited about him in general and getting intimate with him when it happened -- he commented several times that the chemistry we shared was 'out of this world'.   Telling me i was the full package and remarking i was way out of his league.   What could go wrong right? lol. 

He was very forward sexually with his words... and i could feel his masculine energy.  Yet -- end of each date .. he just put me in a car and said something like 'you're so gorgeous.. damn, look at you ..".   Or something to that effect.  In other words -- flattering but didn't try to take it further physically (despite me being open and hinting we could go back to one of our places).  When i commented that he hadn't done anything he said 'we're just getting to know eachother".  I thought.. wow this guy is one of the good ones who doesn't just want to get laid.

He then comments that he wants to cook me dinner at his house for the 4th date.  I figure we'll definitely have sex then, so decide to just ask him casually if hes seeing other women (honestly expecting it was a 'no' -- because of how focussed he seemed on me.. it really felt to me like it was just 'us').  

So then he drops a bomb "yes, im seeing two other girls fairly long-term.. both of whom know of eachother and are fine... im not into labels so i dont call them girlfriends.. i just go with the flow and dont wish to focus on one woman. ".   He went on to say a few almost insulting things like "look, i will eventually be monogamous when i meet that person i want to be monogamous with... but for now my business is my top priority and in between i enjoy seeing women i connect with" ... wow.. Ouch.. i think? .. it was so weird, because the way he said it made it sound quite decent and respectful..almost.  .  Yes, its super early days i get it --but he didn't give me even a small sense that he is considering me for that monogamous relationship --  It was almost like.. 'so far i havn't.. so until then.. here i am to offer you a position on my date roster'.  Essentially admitted to being a plate spinner and being ok with it.

I was a little stunned, deeply disappointed and said "oh well thank you for your honesty.. thats not really something for me'.   I guess my ego wanted him to say "wait, what... well i dont want to lose you so..."

Nope.   He didn't lol.  He said "of course.. i'll always be honest if you ask.. im not going to hide anything".... I said "well can we be friends then?' .. He said "sure, it will be hard because im really attracted to you -- but i'd rather do that than lose you from my life as i feel a connection... so friends it is! "... .. just like that -- his communication has turned platonic.   

Anyway -- im still a little in shock mode because ive dated my fair share of player types but never saw this one coming.  The weirdest part is he still doesn't seem like a player to me...he still says he wont sleep with random women, he needs there to be something there and he definitely didn't try to have sex with me or push for that -- quite the opposite (even though his comments were overtly sexual / flirty).  Hes definitely not gay i feel confident of that -- but i am left wondering how i missed this and is this the new normal?  Apparenty, Attractive men dont need just one woman, they can have several for long-term girlfriends (although again -- he said he never uses labels so they wouldn't even be called that.. just 'girls hes seeing').   I wonder if this guy is just a jerk or if im just too old fashioned for this new dating world.

Edited January 24, 2020 by beentheredonethat77

[Daisydooks]

I am with you. I'd have been so turned off and would have blocked him. Yucky. Hahaha Why be friends? I'm confused. He isnt a friend. He is someone who sleeps around with women who arent you, and adds nothing to your life. His honesty is, well, honest, but gross. 

He doesnt use labels. I'm sure that works for him. Essentially he paired you in the group of women who he doesnt want to be with long term, and not marriage material. You're among the women he doesnt care enough about to see a future with. Great! *insert eye roll here*

Call me (and you) old fashioned but I find this so weird but I very much find multi dating so weird. Men definitely compartmentalize better than we do as women, but I've never understood dating multiple people at the same time and then wondering why you cant find marriage material when honest with everyone. Well, John, probably because Karen, Susan and Carol all know about one another and will never take you seriously so none of them will ever attempt to come out on top or give themselves to you fully, or provide you with a wife experience you would want to settle into. Why would any of them act like wife material to him? They have zero reason, much like you wouldn't either.  Even if you agreed to a FWB situation with him, he'd still never be able to view you as LTR or wife material because you're paired with a group of other women he also wouldnt marry.  None of the women he has met, including you, fit his ideal mold for "wife position" and he may not see why. Lol. Of course none of them are marriage material in his eyes. He is too focused on multiple women to take notice of just one for her to stand out amongst the rest. None of them care to engage him that way because he has made it clear what his boundaries are and they dont act like wives.  They act like FWBs. This is dating done backwards in my brain. 

It seems to be more normal from what I gather, but not many people seem to be happy doing it. You see it a bit on here (find a few posts about dating multiple people to see what I mean,) and no  one who is multi dating seems to enjoy it a whole lot. Some stand by their choices, but it works for so few people. I find it gross and wouldnt accept it. 

Beyond that, his "honesty" was disgusting to hear out loud and I cant blame you for feeling a bit punched in the gut. I need a shower now. 

Edited January 24, 2020 by Daisydooks

[fishlips]

I think it's weird that he dates multiple women, yet doesn't want to have sex. What does he want exactly?

Oh well, you know it's not what you want, so move on. You can always find someone else. He said it himself that  you are attractive, so you will.

[beentheredonethat77]

Daisydooks, you summed it up so perfectly i wish i could send him your post lol.. I know he'd look at it though and the words 'wife' 'marriage' and 'seriously' would put him into cardiac arrest -- he wouldn't even read the rest.   

Oh and my offer for friendship was me thinking he'd balk at the friendzone and also to change the status of our relationship immediately so that i was no longer in the 'potential harem candidate' category. 

His honesty did gross me out (and it was almost a bit self-righteous -- like 'im an honest guy... not like all those lying liars').. and thank you for putting a word on it -- 'gross' sums it up.  I did feel sort of dirty even being a part of the whole equation, especially with the knowledge he'd been interviewing me for a position in his harem all this time.   Stupidly, i thought we may have an adult relationship that included monogamy soon.    I dont judge morally -- moreso, like you said, just having someone say so bluntly that i wasn't good enough to be wife material.   I wont say LTR, as i think he'd be ok with that.. as long as i didn't mind sharing him with 'Jenny' and 'Karen'.. ewww lol.   If i played my cards right i was signing up to be a sister wife.

Also, i think the other two were giving him the 'wife experience' as he seemed to refer to them so favorably as though they were really 'amazing, generous sweet women'.   I think i said 'awww..isn't that lovely'. steeped in sarcasm.  I was still shocked.   

This dating game is not for the faint of heart -- my self esteem has taken a beating for sure.

 

 

Edited January 25, 2020 by beentheredonethat77

[alphamale]

boy this guy could have taught me a few things

[beentheredonethat77]

Alphamale, at first i thought he was a game player because he kept doing the PUA moves like 'negging' -- always pointing out things on me when he saw me like 'whats that mark here' or 'you have a thread coming out of this top, you're a mess girl haha" -- type thing.  Which worked in making me nervous.

Anyway, when it occurred to me that he was following from some sort of master pick-up artist book, the type that talks ruining a woman's self esteem in order to make her more vulnerable   -- but i think this is actually just who he is.   

[Foxhall]

8 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

He is a very busy business owner who travels a lot (but to places where there are no women like middle of desert saudi arabia).  He is extremely attractive so i was pretty excited about him in general and getting intimate with him when it happened -

there is always a catch isnt there,

if your not prepared to settle for an ordinary Joe Bloggs, this is the type of obstacle you run into,

cant have it all honey

[Ellener]

8 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

im still a little in shock mode because ive dated my fair share of player types but never saw this one coming.  The weirdest part is he still doesn't seem like a player to me...he still says he wont sleep with random women, he needs there to be something there and he definitely didn't try to have sex with me or push for that -- quite the opposite (even though his comments were overtly sexual / flirty).  Hes definitely not gay i feel confident of that -- but i am left wondering how i missed this and is this the new normal? 

I met someone like this about two years ago too, the perfect man. Except he isn't...I just took it so far then shut it down. He knows where I am. 

I don't think people want the same kind of relationship any more, they want to keep their options open.

Pseudo-relationship.

[smackie9]

Hah I saw it coming when I read the first line that either he was seeing other women or married. Too good to be true seems to be the remark? This guy is a real peach lol.

[SumGuy]

Yeah sounds like he is only into FWB, even though he is very picky who those friends are.   Frankly if the women he is seeing are older not surprised, as found they too already have a life set up they don;t want to disrupt with a relationship.  The world is full of emotionally unavailable people.  His real girlfriend is his work.

[NomiMalone]

OP, I’m with you. I wouldn’t be ok with that’s sort of set up either, and would’ve walked away. 

Makes me wonder how many women have said no to that guy previously. Or have said yes and then left him when they realised they just really couldn’t do it. 

Edited January 25, 2020 by NomiMalone

[Miss Spider]

Wow... well at least he was upfront and honest, I guess 

[chillii]

Of course he's obviously not gay , just taking his time getting to know you a bit first , see if you'll slot in with his other two and lifestyle , first. He's not gonna risk messing that up unless your right for the gig,

One woman's enough trouble alone , ya not gonna juggle 3 unless it all fits together nicely .

Edited January 26, 2020 by chillii

[SummerDreams]

To be honest I don't know why people seem surprised by this behavior. I mean, women for decades show that they want to be free spirits, to date and have sex without commitment, they don't care about marriage etc and here now we are "mad" with a guy who takes what women offer. I find this a bit hypocritical. If a woman is searching for a serious relationship she should make this fact clear from the start. I know that most men will run for the hills but who cares? These men were not for a serious relationship anyway, so I see this as a good filter to throw away unsuitable people and keep the suitable ones. This way you don't waste your time with men who just want to have fun nor are you blindsided when they claim you are Number 3 in his dating list and he doesn't see you seriously.

[beentheredonethat77]

16 minutes ago, chillii said:

Of course he's obviously not gay , just taking his time getting to know you a bit first , see if you'll slot in with his other two and lifestyle , first. He's not gonna risk messing that up unless your right for the gig,

One woman's enough trouble alone , ya not gonna juggle 3 unless it all fits together nicely .

So much wasted due diligence on his part; this would make sense if what he was offering was a highly attractive, coveted proposition.   With his looks and business success, i deemed him highly attractive before i knew id' be sharing him -- once i was aware of his structure, his stock in my mind went south quickly.. the more people buying in the more his value was diluted.   He's worthless at this point.   For all intents and purposes deleted, but ill take a week to get over the disappointment.    My lesson: ask much earlier his general ideology on dating, not in a needy way but in a 'want to make sure we are aligned in general values before wasting time' way. . 

[beentheredonethat77]

9 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

To be honest I don't know why people seem surprised by this behavior. I mean, women for decades show that they want to be free spirits, to date and have sex without commitment, they don't care about marriage etc and here now we are "mad" with a guy who takes what women offer. I find this a bit hypocritical. If a woman is searching for a serious relationship she should make this fact clear from the start. I know that most men will run for the hills but who cares? These men were not for a serious relationship anyway, so I see this as a good filter to throw away unsuitable people and keep the suitable ones. This way you don't waste your time with men who just want to have fun nor are you blindsided when they claim you are Number 3 in his dating list and he doesn't see you seriously.

I agree with you, however i think from our many hours of discussions about our families/ parents' marriages etc, it was quite clear i was more traditional in nature (and he never hinted otherwise himself until much later).   We both talked in detail about the 50 plus years both our parents had celebrated in their marriages and the beauty of these relationships.  What you describe is a very free-spirited approach that i definitely dont portray, im quite old fashioned/traditional in most areas of my life, and he knows this -- the idea that i'd be seeking a sort of fluid / no rules arrangement would not be something he'd expect from me im sure.   I think he knew what he was doing -- he had me hooked emotionally by the time he broke it to me.  

 

Still, we never had sex.. so i'll give him that credit.. he didn't tell me after sex.  Though, he didn't enjoy me asking particularly -- i think he'd hoped id keep my mouth shut and he could feign ignorance for as long as possible .. "you never asked".   But i did ask of course, so that put an end to that.   Still, respect to him for being honest. 

Edited January 26, 2020 by beentheredonethat77

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

im quite old fashioned/traditional in most areas of my life

And that is what he wanted.
Many men are not looking for promiscuous women, crazy women, women who bring trouble to their door, they are looking for straightforward quality woman, but some guys also want to have a little harem of these quality women, one woman is not enough. 
He doesn't want the kind of woman who is going to be sleeping around, he wants one who is true to him.
He thus doesn't want the type of woman who is into casual dating, he wants a "relationship" kind of woman.
He identified you as someone that would fit very well into his life.
He just needed to get you so attached to him, you would agree to almost anything, including tolerating his other women...

[salparadise]

2 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

To be honest I don't know why people seem surprised by this behavior. I mean, women for decades show that they want to be free spirits, to date and have sex without commitment, they don't care about marriage etc and here now we are "mad" with a guy who takes what women offer.

I was thinking the same. Women are used to being in control of the accept-reject-sex-commit equation because they own the vagina. They feel free to test drive for a month or whatever and then say "eh, thanks for the ride but I'm not buying... still taking applications." This approach works for attractive women dealing with average men, the usual scenario. But, the tables get turned when you're talking about a very attractive man with money and game... a five percenter type, the kind that makes women wet. He gets to call the tune because he has options everywhere he looks. Instead of OP simply seeing this as another guy hoping to get lucky , she's all confused because he couldn't care less about the magic veejay (he gets all he wants, whenever he wants), and if she wants a test drive she can fill out an application do so on his terms. Shocking!

I went out with a woman about a year ago, after she had cancelled on me once already and changed her mind. She was semi-attractive and fairly intelligent... but there was something I could not put my finger on that I didn't feel good about. So a few days later she texts and is pushing for another date. I told her thanks, but no thanks. You'd have thought I kicked her dog or something... she said nobody had ever turned her down before when she offered them a chance. This is the usual paradigm...  

[preraph]

For all you know he could be married. I think I would just write him off as a weirdo at this point. All that flattery is suspect. You could always run a background check on him and see what you find out.

[smackie9]

Ya it seems he was looking for a "type" and used the hook you emotionally player tricks. Smart girl!

[SumGuy]

I do think he should have mentioned this sooner, made it very clear he is not looking for a relationship because no matter what he says, when he has two women he already sees, it's clear he is not looking for a relationship and his reason the the one to commit to hasn't come up yet...well having two FWB is no way to go about it.   His actions drown out his words.   He needs to stop pretending he is offering anything or is about anything more than a good time.  He also has to be smart enough to know that us is going to be very rare indeed someone looking for a LTR is going to agree to being woman #3.  Sounds like he has concocted and elaborate smoke cloud around his actions so he can believe his sh*t don't stink.

Long way of saying, his situation is so not what most are looking for that he needs to be upfront in his profile or on the first date what his situation is.  SO it is not so much how he is living, to each their own, its the lack of honesty as he knows most  women looking for a LTR would not go on a second date, or even first, if they knew his true situation.

Despite his demeanor, he knew he was leading you on and trying to play you, the good news is he did refrain from sleeping with you, that at least is honorable.

[preraph]

Yes, he's clearly not looking for one right relationship.  He's looking for as many as he can have at the same time.  

[Miss Spider]

6 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

  I think he knew what he was doing -- he had me hooked emotionally by the time he broke it to me.  

 

Still, we never had sex.. so i'll give him that credit.. he didn't tell me after sex.  Though, he didn't enjoy me asking particularly -- i think he'd hoped id keep my mouth shut and he could feign ignorance for as long as possible .. "you never asked".   But i did ask of course, so that put an end to that.   Still, respect to him for being honest. 

I see what you are saying, and I’m not trying to defend him, just trying to propose an alternative theory where he wasn’t trying to be a player. It seems from the original post he explained he’s not poly, but sort of multi-dating openly. He said that he was open to a monogamous relationship. Maybe he was trying to figure out if you’re the right fit and didn’t want to close that door. He also knew there was a possibility you’d find this unattractive but chose to be honest anyway? Which would be a good thing, in a way. This is all assuming he wasn’t playing some weird PUA game that works on a subset of women. Also assuming that your theory is not correct that he was intentionally dragging it out to get you hooked. Which may be. 

Edited January 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[scooby-philly]

Not going to judge the guy and we'd need 4 or 5 pages of info on here (i mean webpages) to discern what's really going on with him. But at the end, it doesn't matter. You know what you want and he doesn't fit the bill. Yes, either you need to be upfront and plainspoken about what you want and he could have been more forthcoming. It does sound like he's a master emotional maniuplator, but guess what - you're moving on and he can do whatever he wants and suffer or enjoy whatever he makes of things in life!

[Calmandfocused]

There’s a lot of congratulatory references here to the fact he was honest with you when you asked him a direct question.

However in my view he wasn’t honest with you from the start. He mislead you purposely to get you into position ie: to emotionally hook you so you’d accept any scraps of attention he’d offer you. His defense would have always been: “but I was honest with you” ........ 

His intentions aren’t honourable op. I don’t believe he’s a honest man. I think he’s manipulative.

You don’t need friends like him.