Girl wants to step back and slow down

[ctlguy]

I am trying to decipher the truth in whats going on with a girl I have been dating for 3 months. We are both 43 and she got out of a 6 year off and on relationship about 7 months ago. We started off and hit it off and things were great. We only spent 4 days a week together, sometimes 3 depending if she had her daughter on that weekend. It was super exciting for about 2.5 months and she always mentioned "cant wait to see your face Friday", "I miss you a lot". This was every day. There was even little subtle jokes about a future and we were thinking about and making plans in the future. Like 3-4 weeks or more out. Even the sex was very passionate and we never went a night without it. She has mentioned being scared of getting married again but at the same time saying "I could you every night forever". Well I think a brief mention about what I want in my future would be to get married eventually one day, but not at all directed at us. Merely in general. We spent 6 days in a row together and something switched. She admitted she is just spooked and we went too fast and should slow things down and take a step back. 

We really havent recouped after that much. We are seeing each other less and we have talked a few times about in depth and she is unsure if she can give me what I want which is a serious relationship that has the potential for long term. I get the whole "she is just not into you anymore" but there are many issues that she has with her kids (bi polar son), and she doesnt see how any man would want to come into that and she is afraid that I would see her issues dealing with them. 

Last weekend I went up there for the weekend and I wanted to get back to dating, so I text her "put on something nice" and went to a nice place to eat. That night was super passionate when we got home, and buy Sunday it was just cold feeling. She still wants to hold my hand, cuddle and says she enjoys being together but we bot can see/admit feelings have changed overall. She still is interested in how my day was and calls me babe/doll so it doesnt feel gone or dead but something tells me it is headed there after I just feel like I am the one trying and she doesnt have the desire. Basically her cup is getting filled and mine is getting empty, now I simply cant be myself.

Now we talked last night for 2 hours after she questioned whether should end it. Now its taking a further step back where dont have to spend every weekend togther but rather a 2 night a week for a night. She did mention that her daughter "doesnt like to share" and ask why does he have to spend time during my weekends, and I get her wanting to put her kids first. 

Now I am somewhat confused if it is she is just not into me anymore and doesnt see a long term thing, or is it her past bad relationships and wounds from it or a combo of both. 

Any feedback?

Edited January 24, 2020 by ctlguy

[Daisydooks]

Is there any reason to suspect the ex has been back around? 

[smackie9]

Rebound........

[Tamfana]

It's so hard to tell when one only side of conversations are described.  So for instance, if the relationship was one-sided and her affectionate words and texts weren't reciprocated, she's probably going to pull back.  It's like the driver/passenger analogy.  

But anyway, 3 months is a very common point at which people assess whether they want to continue, often just subconsciously.  

If you want to continue the relationship, check to see if you've been giving what you've been getting.  

Edited January 24, 2020 by Tamfana

[ctlguy]

1 hour ago, Daisydooks said:

Is there any reason to suspect the ex has been back around? 

I am pretty sure that’s not the case. Their relationship was bad and he cheated. She finally walked away because she knew she wanted more and her priorities changed on what she was looking for. Her GF would disown her if he was 

Edited January 24, 2020 by ctlguy

[ctlguy]

53 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Rebound........

I’ve given that a lot of thought. We are different and she was excited because of that. The whole I’ve never met a guy like you kinda deal, or no one has ever treated me this way which believe. Everyone of her friends hates all of her ex’s and said they loved me, adored us together (which she said 100 times) and that I was perfect for her and who she needs.

since her last relationships she has done a lot of souls searching about priorities in a relationship and has stated “quantity vs quality” speech. 
 

im leaning that way though 

[ctlguy]

54 minutes ago, Tamfana said:

It's so hard to tell when one only side of conversations are described.  So for instance, if the relationship was one-sided and her affectionate words and texts weren't reciprocated, she's probably going to pull back.  It's like the driver/passenger analogy.  

But anyway, 3 months is a very common point at which people assess whether they want to continue, often just subconsciously.  

If you want to continue the relationship, check to see if you've been giving what you've been getting.  

We both have each other equal and a lot of it. I would say her a little more. Now it feels one sided.

[preraph]

I think something happened during that six days.  She either started feeling smothered or like you or her or both were getting in too deep too fast, or even something trivial about you or something that happened that turned her off.  The longer you know someone, the harder it is to keep them on a pedestal, you know, because the pedestal person is the guy she hoped you'd be, but not the real guy that you are.  And vice versa. Slow it down a bit and see what happens.  

[ctlguy]

2 minutes ago, preraph said:

I think something happened during that six days.  She either started feeling smothered or like you or her or both were getting in too deep too fast, or even something trivial about you or something that happened that turned her off.  The longer you know someone, the harder it is to keep them on a pedestal, you know, because the pedestal person is the guy she hoped you'd be, but not the real guy that you are.  And vice versa. Slow it down a bit and see what happens.  

Yea that is what I am going to try. She wants to take a step back and take it slow and “let things happen naturally again”. 
 

I think partially she gets smothered out of fear from her past and enjoys it from a distance. Time will tell if this taking it slow doesn’t progress anymore 

[ctlguy]

3 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

I think that she was probably trying too hard to make something happen but really just isn't feeling it. Sometimes a woman will meet a guy that, "on paper" seems like the perfect guy for them, so they try to make it work. Things don't always pan out. 

Very true. I wish I could pin point it but I’m not even sure knows what happened or why it turned off 

[Ruby Slippers]

I think the best thing you can do is back off and see how much interest she shows from there. If you're really the guy for her, she'll make that clear. If you're not, you'll soon know and can move on.

I'm considering giving things a second chance with my recent ex, going out to dinner tonight. If we do, I'm pretty sure I'll pull back quite a bit this time around. Last time we got too intense too fast, which created problems. I want to pull back not because I don't love him, but because I really do and don't want things to get messed up again.

[ctlguy]

Just now, Ruby Slippers said:

I think the best thing you can do is back off and see how much interest she shows from there. If you're really the guy for her, she'll make that clear. If you're not, you'll soon know and can move on.

I'm considering giving things a second chance with my recent ex, going out to dinner tonight. If we do, I'm pretty sure I'll pull back quite a bit this time around. Last time we got too intense too fast, which created problems. I want to pull back not because I don't love him, but because I really do and don't want things to get messed up again.

That sounds familiar! I think we both are tip toeing not wanting it to.

 

She did just text me “I’m really looking forward to seeing you tonight” 

 

good luck with tonight!!! 

[Daisydooks]

Just now, ctlguy said:

I am pretty sure that’s not the case. Their relationship was bad and he cheated. She finally walked away because she knew she wanted more. 

I was in that situation myself, so I totally get it but always worth asking when we are delving into these topics  I didnt start dating right away though and met my fiance almost 2 years after leaving my ex. I dated a few guys in between to get my feet wet but nothing grew beyond 3 dates before I ended it. It sounds like you may be the rebound guy. Had I dated anyone within 4 months of leaving my ex, I'd have also put them on a pedestal because no one has ever hurt me as badly as he did, but it wouldnt make them the right fit for me long term. I had no business dating after 12 years together.  I had never even lived alone until we split. I LOVED IT. I didnt think I would, but I really did. I loved having only my personal responsibilities and no one elses, I loved not being with anyone, I loved just enjoying my friends, and genuinely enjoyed my quiet time. She may feel she hasnt had enough time alone to process this break up with her ex and needs to get her bearings straight. She may not even have any idea what's wrong because her head is clouded by him, you and her kids needs. 

 I knew in my head immediately it was over once I knew of his infidelity however my heart needed some time to catch up as I was still devastated for a long time. I didn't want to start over. I wanted him not to be an a**h*** who cheated  

I say pull a 180. Give her the space she needs. Dont beg for her time or mention how things have changed. It will push her away further and just annoy her. If you're not capable of that, it is ok, but you make your choices and she makes hers. She will just seem bothered by you if you do. I dont mean be cold with her, but dont be so available to her. 4 days a week is a lot of time to spend spend someone right off the bat. Somewhere during that 6 day stint, something happened I suspect that triggered her to feel as she does though. 

If he isnt in the picture it just sounds like she jumped head first into this without first looking for rocks below. It doesnt necessarily mean you've done anything wrong whatsoever which is the hard part. All you've done on your end is progress naturally, the way you saw fit, because you were ready to and felt she was, too. I feel for you, but I'd pull back as asked of you, see your friends and family a bit more to keep busy and let her miss you a wee bit. Things could turn around, or she could decide she doesnt want this. Forcing the matter and having "talks" in the first 3 months would have had me running for the darn hills though so be patient with her  if its within your ability to. 

[Ruby Slippers]

Good luck to you, too! Here's the thing: the best man for her (and for me) will win

[Daisydooks]

29 minutes ago, ctlguy said:

I’ve given that a lot of thought. We are different and she was excited because of that. The whole I’ve never met a guy like you kinda deal, or no one has ever treated me this way which believe. Everyone of her friends hates all of her ex’s and said they loved me, adored us together (which she said 100 times) and that I was perfect for her and who she needs.

since her last relationships she has done a lot of souls searching about priorities in a relationship and has stated “quantity vs quality” speech. 
 

im leaning that way though 

No she hasn't. She has been out of a 6 year relationship for 7 months and with you for 3 of them. She wasn't soul searching. She was merely attempting to keep her head above water. Read that again. Lol. 

Deep soul searching doesn't happen in 4 months nor will it happen in 7 months after being with someone that long through a bad relationship that also included cheating.  I am proud of her for leaving his ass! That was an amazing start towards her happiness. 

It doesn't mean you're doomed, but she is clouded in her judgement if she feels she has done *deep* soul searching in this timeframe after what it sounds like she has been through with him (hell and back.) 

Edited January 24, 2020 by Daisydooks

[Miss Spider]

I would say you came on too strong and she lost interest. She is looking for something else out there, but she didn’t want to completely cross you out. Now she is questioning her decision as she feels she’s stringing you along. Her feelings are less and less since she came to the conclusion you’re too much. I think you should begin to move on, as hard as that is. 

[Daisydooks]

@Ruby Slippers

@ctlguy

I wish you both tons of luck!!! Tread carefully and know your worth. Xo

[ctlguy]

3 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

No she hasn't. She has been out of a 6 year relationship for 7 months and with you for 3 of them. She wasn't soul searching. She was merely attempting to keep her head above water. Read that again. Lol. 

Deep soul searching doesn't happen in 4 months nor will it happen in 7 months after being with someone that long through a bad relationship that also included cheating.  I am proud of her for leaving his ass! That was an amazing start towards her happiness. 

It doesn't mean you're doomed, but she is clouded in her judgement if she feels she has done *deep* soul searching in this timeframe after what it sounds like she has been through with him (hell and back.) 

I guess I say that in the sense of for the last year or even more things were doomed and wasn’t feeling it. Which is a red flag to me! How someone can be off and on for 6 years in a bad relationship is beyond me. I think she enjoyed the “emotional distance”. 

[elaine567]

Sounds like a classic rebound. 
She comes out of a bad relationship and finds you.
She slots you directly into the slot her ex filled. (ie the slot without the fighting and the off and on, the one when it all was perfect and she loved him so much..)
She feels good, but you feel even better.
It is all feels so right, you feel loved and adored. The sex is great.

BUT whilst you are falling deeper, she is waking up to reality.
You suddenly realises  you are not her ex, you are some guy she clung to when she was all mixed up, upset and lost.
I guess that realisation came in that 6 days you spent together.
Now she starts wondering who you really are and she doesn't really feel it any more.
She will dump you, or things will get so bad you will dump her.

Too many swoop in to save others from bad situations with exes, but the hurt person has had no time to grieve and get over it, so it all goes pear shaped fairly quickly.
6 years in a toxic off and on damaging relationship will not solve itself in a matter of months.
 

[ctlguy]

15 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Sounds like a classic rebound. 
She comes out of a bad relationship and finds you.
She slots you directly into the slot her ex filled. (ie the slot without the fighting and the off and on, the one when it all was perfect and she loved him so much..)
She feels good, but you feel even better.
It is all feels so right, you feel loved and adored. The sex is great.

BUT whilst you are falling deeper, she is waking up to reality.
You suddenly realises  you are not her ex, you are some guy she clung to when she was all mixed up, upset and lost.
I guess that realisation came in that 6 days you spent together.
Now she starts wondering who you really are and she doesn't really feel it any more.
She will dump you, or things will get so bad you will dump her.

Too many swoop in to save others from bad situations with exes, but the hurt person has had no time to grieve and get over it, so it all goes pear shaped fairly quickly.
6 years in a toxic off and on damaging relationship will not solve itself in a matter of months.
 

I don’t disagree with you on that. I just don’t want to throw it away right now that she is trying. She earlier told all the things she loves about it.

i am going to give it to Valentines Day to see how she responds to it. I think I will know 100% by then if I need to walk. 

[rjc149]

Sounds to me like it's too much, too soon. It doesn't sound like there's enough space in your budding relationship for attraction to bloom. You've only been dating 3 months. There should be some space, some mystery, some missing. There is none of that. She knows she's got you. That's killing the attraction. 

2 hours ago, ctlguy said:

She still is interested in how my day was and calls me babe/doll so it doesnt feel gone or dead but something tells me it is headed there after I just feel like I am the one trying and she doesnt have the desire.

Women will usually continue stringing you along with lip service and token displays of affection after their attraction to you has begun it's decline. You already sense a hollowness, a lessening, trust your instincts on that. Sometimes they're lining up your replacement, sometimes they're not 100% committed to letting go and they want to keep you there for validation, but they won't throw out their only pair of shoes. 

Sounds like you're doing most of the pursuing, and this is starting to drive her away. Strong confident men with options don't chase. On a fundamental level, your greater pursuit of the relationship communicates neediness and this is turning her off and causing her to instinctively evade you. For every action their must be an equal and opposite reaction. You cannot move in the same direction on anything. She moves closer, you move closer. She moves away, you move away. She goes quiet on you for a few days, give her the silence and let her reach out to you when she's ready. You need to reciprocate whatever she does equally. 

Don't bring this up to her. Don't have "talks" about the sense you're getting about the relationship. Don't talk about the relationship. It's 3 months old, it doesn't require talks. Try to cut back to only seeing her once/week. Reach out to her once/week to set up the meet, but don't keep texting her and bantering with her in the downtime. Start taking a little longer to respond to her. Don't engage in long text chats or phone conversations. Spend time with her in person, and when not in person, create some space for her attraction to regrow. 

And prepare yourself for the possibility that there is another man in the background. 

Edited January 24, 2020 by rjc149

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Try to cut back to only seeing her once/week.

She has already suggested that basically.
My guess is that if he steps back, she won't be doing any chasing...

[ctlguy]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

I would say you came on too strong and she lost interest. She is looking for something else out there, but she didn’t want to completely cross you out. Now she is questioning her decision as she feels she’s stringing you along. Her feelings are less and less since she came to the conclusion you’re too much. I think you should begin to move on, as hard as that is. 

Actually it was more than her than anything 

[ctlguy]

28 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Sounds to me like it's too much, too soon. It doesn't sound like there's enough space in your budding relationship for attraction to bloom. You've only been dating 3 months. There should be some space, some mystery, some missing. There is none of that. She knows she's got you. That's killing the attraction. 

Women will usually continue stringing you along with lip service and token displays of affection after their attraction to you has begun it's decline. You already sense a hollowness, a lessening, trust your instincts on that. Sometimes they're lining up your replacement, sometimes they're not 100% committed to letting go and they want to keep you there for validation, but they won't throw out their only pair of shoes. 

Sounds like you're doing most of the pursuing, and this is starting to drive her away. Strong confident men with options don't chase. On a fundamental level, your greater pursuit of the relationship communicates neediness and this is turning her off and causing her to instinctively evade you. For every action their must be an equal and opposite reaction. You cannot move in the same direction on anything. She moves closer, you move closer. She moves away, you move away. She goes quiet on you for a few days, give her the silence and let her reach out to you when she's ready. You need to reciprocate whatever she does equally. 

Don't bring this up to her. Don't have "talks" about the sense you're getting about the relationship. Don't talk about the relationship. It's 3 months old, it doesn't require talks. Try to cut back to only seeing her once/week. Reach out to her once/week to set up the meet, but don't keep texting her and bantering with her in the downtime. Start taking a little longer to respond to her. Don't engage in long text chats or phone conversations. Spend time with her in person, and when not in person, create some space for her attraction to regrow. 

And prepare yourself for the possibility that there is another man in the background. 

 

I am going to see. We are way past not texting all day. If I dont respond and text once a week. Way passed that. 

 

[ctlguy]

19 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She has already suggested that basically.
My guess is that if he steps back, she won't be doing any chasing...

She actually suggested seeing each other 3 days a week but not at once. She has done the initiating on seeing me tonight, but yes I am going to simply let her want to see me. She knows it feels one sided and if she has the desire then she will have to come to the table. However......I have a hunch that it may go that route.