Should I still worry about this guy or move on?

January 24, 2020

Hi, so I’m 21 and been talking/seeing this 23 yr old since December 21st. Ever since then, we’ve been talking everyday. We have met three times. I am a virgin, which I told him and I also asked what he was looking for after the first week of talking (to prevent being hurt). He said that he was open, that depending on the vibe he gets from someone, he’ll go from there. I told him I was looking for good vibes and ultimately a serious relationship. Ever since then, when we met, it has been intimate (making out and third base). He’s been hinting at sex, esp through messages. I told my friends how I was thinking of losing my v-card to him, but they told me to be careful. Not sure if he really likes me or just wants me for sex. I glanced at his Twitter and he likes mostly pictures of thick women (I’m on the petite side).

Anyways, he would always say “good morning” or “good afternoon” usually I ask about his day, work, make jokes, etc. I last heard from him on Wednesday when he replied like 6 hrs and told me had a long but good day: I was like, “ooh okay. That’s good at least.” And it’s been nothing since. He’s been active on social media and is usually the first to view my stories. I’m not sure if he is losing interest because he was also talking sexual this day & I replied mostly with humor. He also mentioned how I’m shy to always say stuff. I told him he was the reason. So I don’t know what to do. Some friends have told me to just leave him alone.

January 24, 2020

He probably is just looking for sex and sexting. Don't do it. He's definitely contacting other women and cooling off. Next.

January 24, 2020

3 minutes ago, preraph said:

He probably is just looking for sex and sexting. Don't do it. He's definitely contacting other women and cooling off. Next.

What I got out of it too. Whenever we last hung out, he was mostly on his phone and I could see it was a list. Like. I feel stupid for even thinking of losing it to him.

January 24, 2020

Well, don't we all. Just remember though that you don't even know him and all you really lost was the hope that it would turn into something worth having. You only really lost hope. Because he wasn't who you hoped he'd be. It's not easy to find a young man willing to wait for sex -- but remember, it's also not at all easy to find a young man in your age range who will be suitable for anything BUT sex such as a responsible focused monogamous relationship. Young men and women, most of them are going to want to multidate for some years. Whether you hold onto your virginity or not is up to you, but just know that young guys your age are probably not going to still be with you in five years' time, so you might want to enjoy youth for what it is instead of hoping it will be something it's not.

January 24, 2020

2 minutes ago, preraph said:

Well, don't we all. Just remember though that you don't even know him and all you really lost was the hope that it would turn into something worth having. You only really lost hope. Because he wasn't who you hoped he'd be. It's not easy to find a young man willing to wait for sex -- but remember, it's also not at all easy to find a young man in your age range who will be suitable for anything BUT sex such as a responsible focused monogamous relationship. Young men and women, most of them are going to want to multidate for some years. Whether you hold onto your virginity or not is up to you, but just know that young guys your age are probably not going to still be with you in five years' time, so you might want to enjoy youth for what it is instead of hoping it will be something it's not.

I hear you! And that’s part of the huge reason I want to lose it. Like I want to enjoy it, but it’s just finding someone who will actually not ghost me. Like I was contemplating with him until he pulled the fade. Not sure if it’s because I didn’t respond as sexual back to his sext, but I’ve been telling my best friends (they were against it) and also scheduled an appointment with my OBGYN for all my questions. So the fact that he can just do this now.. shows how he would have done it if I gave it to him (esp since I’m inexperienced)

January 24, 2020

Well, look, guys who want nothing but sexting and sex are just not worth it. You should be able to find some semblance of a boyfriend, but there is a lot of deception. If you're doing online dating, look for guys who put in their profile they're looking for a relationship. You'd probably be better off just increasing and nurturing a larger friend circle so you meet more guys through your friends organically there locally, and why I say that is because if they're in your larger friend circle, you will hear things about them, women telling you "All he wants is sex," or you will see if he goes out with the same woman over a period of at least a couple of months or if he just jumps around (he may do both and that's okay, but you have to know he even wants a real girlfriend and their actions you can see about whether they seem to do the girlfriend thing will at least tell you that.)

Trying to screen guys out who just want to use you at this young age, early 20s, you're just going to get fooled over and over, because believe me, they have lying down to a science. They quickly learn from others just what to say to get you to think they're sincere and give up sex. So only what you SEE them do with your own eyes, like keeping someone around for awhile or hearing about them from someone who knows them well is your best clue that they may be worth it.

And do NOT make the mistake of agreeing to be anyone's FWB at all. That's just a misnomer to make women feel like they actually have a friend relationship with a guy who only really wants sex. It's another lie. Don't fall for it. And don't sext or send any revealing photos. If he wants to see what you look like, he can take you on dates and get to third base and that gives you a chance to see if you even LIKE him. Don't just give these guys something to keep them flitting about you. If they're doing that to you, they're doing that to others too and all in addition to watching porn too much probably! Which gives them unrealistic expectations.

Go with guys who take you out, not try to keep you in on the couch or in the bed, and do things together so you can get to know them. Don't go to a guy's house (or your place) in the early days of dating because they think it means you are going to have sex with them.

You want to be looking at his ethics on all fronts because they will reflect his ethics with you as well, so if he's, for example, always lazy or making excuses not to go to work or school or lying to people, eventually that will be turned on your as well if it isn't already. Look for general good ethics. Ethical people aren't as likely to just use you.

Look for a guy who is helpful in that offers you a ride when you're having car trouble or brings you soup when you're sick, because that shows someone who does care.

Good luck.

January 24, 2020

1 hour ago, faithandfood said:

I glanced at his Twitter and he likes mostly pictures of thick women (I’m on the petite side).

Petite is your height (short). Petite sizes go up to plus sizes as well. So your body may be his type. Petite girls can be thick or overweight also.

Edited January 24, 2020 by stillafool

January 24, 2020

Don't worry about what HE likes. Worry about what you like. At your ages, he may be having sex with literally anyone who will, regardless of type.

January 24, 2020

To me, this guy was very clear from day one about he wanted. He made it all about sex right from the start and never lead you astray on that. You may not have wanted to see it because you're considering sex yourself now at 21.

Whatever you saw between the lines was what you wanted to see because you like him. I mention this not to come down on you but I know you are inexperienced and this is the behaviour of men who are only looking for sex. Not one behaviour you have shared about him made me believe he wanted anything but sex. He was trying to bed you before date 4. Come on girlfriend! Haha

If he is getting to third base with you by the third date, and has made no mention of being exclusive with you, made no plans for you to meet his friends and family, hasnt found anything nice whatsoever or been kind, he is showing you exactly the kind of man he is. I don't understand the comment above about this is what men do and they lie to sound sincere. This guy was pretty direct about sexual things right off the bat and did not lie one bit about it. Women just dont want to open their eyes.

We as women need to watch men's actions. They speak louder than words do. His actions, never would have made me think we wanted anything but sex and I don't know why anyone here would expect that his behaviour was anything but a man wanting sex. He didn't do a single thing that would lead anyone of us to believe that he was into her at all for anything other than that. He was pretty obvious about it and wanted to bang a virgin. But he realized that wasn't going to happen, things fizzled out and he faded.

As a side note to another comment here, petite is small. As in a petite figure. I have never once heard anyone describe a 250lb 5'1" woman as petite. I now understand why men in OLD are so God damn confused though. Lol! Petite isnt just height. There isnt anything wrong with being big or being small. We all fit with someone in this world and all are beautiful and add value. I will not be convinced an obese women is petite because she is short though. That is outrageous

January 24, 2020

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Petite is your height (short). Petite sizes go up to plus sizes as well. So your body may be his type. Petite girls can be thick or overweight also.

Petite is usually used to describe someone slim.

Edited January 24, 2020 by faithandfood

January 24, 2020

2 hours ago, preraph said:

Well, look, guys who want nothing but sexting and sex are just not worth it. You should be able to find some semblance of a boyfriend, but there is a lot of deception. If you're doing online dating, look for guys who put in their profile they're looking for a relationship. You'd probably be better off just increasing and nurturing a larger friend circle so you meet more guys through your friends organically there locally, and why I say that is because if they're in your larger friend circle, you will hear things about them, women telling you "All he wants is sex," or you will see if he goes out with the same woman over a period of at least a couple of months or if he just jumps around (he may do both and that's okay, but you have to know he even wants a real girlfriend and their actions you can see about whether they seem to do the girlfriend thing will at least tell you that.)

Trying to screen guys out who just want to use you at this young age, early 20s, you're just going to get fooled over and over, because believe me, they have lying down to a science. They quickly learn from others just what to say to get you to think they're sincere and give up sex. So only what you SEE them do with your own eyes, like keeping someone around for awhile or hearing about them from someone who knows them well is your best clue that they may be worth it.

And do NOT make the mistake of agreeing to be anyone's FWB at all. That's just a misnomer to make women feel like they actually have a friend relationship with a guy who only really wants sex. It's another lie. Don't fall for it. And don't sext or send any revealing photos. If he wants to see what you look like, he can take you on dates and get to third base and that gives you a chance to see if you even LIKE him. Don't just give these guys something to keep them flitting about you. If they're doing that to you, they're doing that to others too and all in addition to watching porn too much probably! Which gives them unrealistic expectations.

Go with guys who take you out, not try to keep you in on the couch or in the bed, and do things together so you can get to know them. Don't go to a guy's house (or your place) in the early days of dating because they think it means you are going to have sex with them.

You want to be looking at his ethics on all fronts because they will reflect his ethics with you as well, so if he's, for example, always lazy or making excuses not to go to work or school or lying to people, eventually that will be turned on your as well if it isn't already. Look for general good ethics. Ethical people aren't as likely to just use you.

Look for a guy who is helpful in that offers you a ride when you're having car trouble or brings you soup when you're sick, because that shows someone who does care.

Good luck.

Thanks so so much preraph. Always enjoy your insight with problems like these. You’re right. I’m going to a birthday dinner for one of my friends tomorrow so hopefully that should be fun. And I met him through one of my good friends. Even that night we met, he was like, did Ariel say anything about me? So I haven’t asked her about him at all since. Would it be too late if I did though? Her boyfriend is one of his best friends.

January 24, 2020

2 minutes ago, faithandfood said:

Thanks so so much preraph. Always enjoy your insight with problems like these. You’re right. I’m going to a birthday dinner for one of my friends tomorrow so hopefully that should be fun. And I met him through one of my good friends. Even that night we met, he was like, did Ariel say anything about me? So I haven’t asked her about him at all since. Would it be too late if I did though? Her boyfriend is one of his best friends.

This definitely changes the dynamic, if he is apart of your social circle he is going to feel the need to treat you with some amount of respect.

I would say go for it... if this was some schmuck you met through OLD, this would be a different story, but since he is attached to your social circle, he should be looking to give you respect. Definitely ask about him and see what their response is.

I mean, your virginity is not really a big deal, the guy you lose it to is probably not going to be your husband for life or anything. Use protection.

January 24, 2020

1 hour ago, Daisydooks said:

As a side note to another comment here, petite is small. As in a petite figure. I have never once heard anyone describe a 250lb 5'1" woman as petite. I now understand why men in OLD are so God damn confused though. Lol! Petite isnt just height. There isnt anything wrong with being big or being small. We all fit with someone in this world and all are beautiful and add value. I will not be convinced an obese women is petite because she is short though. That is outrageous

Petite sizes are women 5'4 and under and dress sizes run from XS (0-2) to XXL (20)and that is just at Old Navy. There are larger Petite sizes as well. You are right most people when describing Petite think short and thin but there are a number of women under 5'4 who are overweight and need clothes too. They can't wear regular Plus size clothing because the sleeves and length would be too long, or if buying pants they would be entirely too long.

January 24, 2020

Sure, find out what you can about him, but be careful what you ask as it may get back to him. Anyway, realize he seems to have backed off, so there may not be much point. Maybe wait and see if anyone brings him up to you.

January 24, 2020

2 hours ago, faithandfood said:

Thanks so so much preraph. Always enjoy your insight with problems like these. You’re right. I’m going to a birthday dinner for one of my friends tomorrow so hopefully that should be fun. And I met him through one of my good friends. Even that night we met, he was like, did Ariel say anything about me? So I haven’t asked her about him at all since. Would it be too late if I did though? Her boyfriend is one of his best friends.

I don't think it would hurt to ask, but it sounds like he got bored and moved on. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with either of you. It just means that you are looking for different things.

January 24, 2020

5 hours ago, faithandfood said:

I feel stupid for even thinking of losing it to him.

Honey, you're going to do what you're going to do....don't worry too much. YOU'LL BE FINE.

January 24, 2020

Thanks guys. Very confused. He texted me and was like, “what’s up, how’s your week been?”

January 24, 2020

Well, there you go. Now, see if he'll ask you on a date but don't just let him come over. If he asks if he can come over, say, "I was hoping we could go out and do something."

January 24, 2020

47 minutes ago, preraph said:

Well, there you go. Now, see if he'll ask you on a date but don't just let him come over. If he asks if he can come over, say, "I was hoping we could go out and do something."

Yeah of course. Told him I came back home to visit and how this week wasn’t really good (was sick the first few days). Hasn’t texted back yet.

January 24, 2020

But do show interest if you are still interested, or he might take that as a true rejection. Why not follow up with something like, How about we go out and do something next week. I'll be wanting to get out of the house.

January 24, 2020

I agree with preraph. I wouldn't write him off just yet, but don't get your hopes up, either. Just show you are interested and let it go from there. It's hard to tell what someone thinks from a text. Here's hoping it all works out for you.

Edited January 24, 2020 by fishlips

January 25, 2020

Yeah

11 minutes ago, preraph said:

But do show interest if you are still interested, or he might take that as a true rejection. Why not follow up with something like, How about we go out and do something next week. I'll be wanting to get out of the house.

Yeah preraph and fish lips, I won’t yet bc I still do like him. He replied and was: “oh that sucks, sorry to hear. My week has been good actually, not bad”

and I was kinda hoping he initiated since I initiated the last hang out at a restaurant.

January 25, 2020

Yes it's not a bad thing to see what he'll do when it's left up to him because that's how you get to know someone. But if you just go along with something you don't really want to go along with, then you're better off just pulling the plug.

January 25, 2020

You’re right. Noticed he’s been replying slow again like 4 hrs apart. Hasn’t replied to my last text but he’s been active on socials. Should I take the same amount?

January 25, 2020

The messages you two are exchanging sound tedious and boring at this point, OP. They're generic, with not much else to go on.

If you initiated the last date, I would think the ball is in his court to now to do the same. I'm sorry to say, but he sounds very lukewarm. Personally, I wouldn't hedge any bets on this developing much.

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