SurDeFil Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 I am dating a guy for 3 months. He tells me he loves me and he sees future with me and I have feelings for him as well. However, he never mentioned intoducing me to his friends (I know his family knows about me). I noticed he doesn't really has social life but he has cousins in the city and he spends some time with them. He also does not make any future plans with me - I planned something few weeks in advance and bought tickets. He also doesn't open up much. He's affectionate and caring, we have a lot in common, have chemistry, we share the same values. I was talking to him about my concers but basically he thinks everything is fine and I didn't meet his friends because he is not meeting them lately. We connected on facebook yesterday because I told him explicitly I want it. We didn't have sex yet, just petting. I feel he may be using me for ego boost and because he is lonely. What do you think?
2BGoodAgain Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 this is a bit of controversy... but for me, i like to know my partner's past relationships. ESPECIALLY, the last one... it tells a lot of things about that person. Not b/c i want to know the mistakes they made, but b/c i want to know how they've grown since then. But especially the LAST relationship they were in, to see if i'm just rebound, a reaction, also to see trends in the person's personality....it may sound super analyzing, but honestly, not knowing the deeper parts of the partner = you are blind to who you are with. and vice versa. it also keeps things superficial, b/c a lot of times, you get caught up with the chemistry and not understand what's behind it or underneath it. A relationship can be a GREAT thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb...and you have to protect yourself FIRST... b/c most ticking time bombs... don't know they are... until it explodes in everyone's faces. 2
Interstellar Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 (edited) When I hear the word “petting” it conjures up images of me petting a cute dog on its forehead. You’re only three months in so you shouldn’t be meeting his family yet, it’s too early. Try six months. What’s your age? He shouldn’t be telling you he loves you anyway, he should be showing it through his actions. Edited January 24, 2020 by Interstellar 2
d0nnivain Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 Not everyone is a planner. Your guy seems happy & that he likes you. If you keep incessantly pushing for more then he can give you will drive him away. He opens up slowly but he's opening up. Respect his time line. My husband can't plan anything & frankly he doesn't really have friends. I think I met 1 buddy & a cousin by 3 months. I did meet a lot of family at a family wedding around 5 months in but that was a fluke because of the wedding. It's really OK that things flow more slowly then you want. You don't have to know everybody 90 days in. Chill & be more patient. He reminds me of my husband & sounds like a fundamentally good guy. 2
Author SurDeFil Posted January 24, 2020 Author Posted January 24, 2020 15 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said: this is a bit of controversy... but for me, i like to know my partner's past relationships. ESPECIALLY, the last one... it tells a lot of things about that person. Not b/c i want to know the mistakes they made, but b/c i want to know how they've grown since then. But especially the LAST relationship they were in, to see if i'm just rebound, a reaction, also to see trends in the person's personality....it may sound super analyzing, but honestly, not knowing the deeper parts of the partner = you are blind to who you are with. and vice versa. it also keeps things superficial, b/c a lot of times, you get caught up with the chemistry and not understand what's behind it or underneath it. A relationship can be a GREAT thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb...and you have to protect yourself FIRST... b/c most ticking time bombs... don't know they are... until it explodes in everyone's faces. He was engaged, girl broke up with him and we met 3 months after that so I may be a rebound. He keeps telling me he wants serious relationship and he is serious about me when I asked if he feels he's ready for new relationship. However, it seems I am a rebound.
Author SurDeFil Posted January 24, 2020 Author Posted January 24, 2020 3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: My husband can't plan anything & frankly he doesn't really have friends. I think I met 1 buddy & a cousin by 3 months. I did meet a lot of family at a family wedding around 5 months in but that was a fluke because of the wedding. Well, 2 people is not that bad
d0nnivain Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 I don't see rebound. I see a guy who takes things slowly. There is a difference. The timing does look like rebound but from what you wrote he seems into you My husband doesn't really have close local friends, which was part of why I didn't meet people. You don't have to drop the subject but don't harp on it either. See how things shake out. If you are unhappy, walk away. This relationship is still fledgling so if your needs aren't being met get out
Author SurDeFil Posted January 24, 2020 Author Posted January 24, 2020 1 minute ago, d0nnivain said: I don't see rebound. I see a guy who takes things slowly. There is a difference. The timing does look like rebound but from what you wrote he seems into you My husband doesn't really have close local friends, which was part of why I didn't meet people. You don't have to drop the subject but don't harp on it either. See how things shake out. If you are unhappy, walk away. This relationship is still fledgling so if your needs aren't being met get out I care for him and I would like it to work because we have a lot in common and chemistry, we like to spend time together, we both are introverts. I just don't feel secure in this relationship. Each time I have concerns, he wants me to stay and work it out..
Author SurDeFil Posted January 24, 2020 Author Posted January 24, 2020 2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Maybe he doesn’t have friends I know in this town he has one friend but mostly they meet to work together. Otherwise he's pretty much always free, never mentiones gatherings with friends. Only meeting his cousins.
d0nnivain Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 Just now, SurDeFil said: Each time I have concerns, he wants me to stay and work it out.. That makes him a good guy! You raise a concern, he hears you & addresses it. It is why I think patience is the operative word here.
CAPSLOCK CROOK Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 None of my previous girlfriends have ever been apart of my actual social circle, they typically have their own social circle and I have mine, rarely did we ever overlap and any time we did, it was meh. I think if this is a big deal for you, you should probably move on because if you haven't met his friends after 3 months, you probably are not going to.
JTSW Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 Stop pushing him and slow down before you push him away. You've only been dating 3 months and you're already being a little demanding and paranoid. He's just taking it slow because of how his ex treated him. Nothing wrong with that. There is no rush. 1
Gaeta Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 44 minutes ago, SurDeFil said: He was engaged, girl broke up with him and we met 3 months after that so I may be a rebound. He keeps telling me he wants serious relationship and he is serious about me when I asked if he feels he's ready for new relationship. However, it seems I am a rebound. Why do you get attached to a man mourning his last relationship? If he was engaged it means it was pretty serious and 3 months isn't enough to emotionally get back on his feet especially he was dumped!. Of course he says he wants a serious relationship but he's not ready for it. We tell ourselves a lot of lies when we're mourning. Also, it's normal he's not introducing you to his friends. What would people say? I know what my friends and family would say if I started dating 3 months after a broken engagement. If he's not introducing you it's to spare himself the comments. I would not touch this man with a 6' pole. He's not the last 'nice man' in town. About that 'I love you'. Take it with a grain of salt. 6 months ago he loved his ex enough to marry her, that kind of love don't dissolves in 3 months, right? He thinks he's in love because you make him feel good, you're a balm on his wounds, but it's not love. If I-will-marry-you-love can be undone and replaced in 3 months than his 'love' isn't worth much. 6
Author SurDeFil Posted January 24, 2020 Author Posted January 24, 2020 6 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Why do you get attached to a man mourning his last relationship? If he was engaged it means it was pretty serious and 3 months isn't enough to emotionally get back on his feet especially he was dumped!. Of course he says he wants a serious relationship but he's not ready for it. We tell ourselves a lot of lies when we're mourning. Also, it's normal he's not introducing you to his friends. What would people say? I know what my friends and family would say if I started dating 3 months after a broken engagement. If he's not introducing you it's to spare himself the comments. I would not touch this man with a 6' pole. He's not the last 'nice man' in town. About that 'I love you'. Take it with a grain of salt. 6 months ago he loved his ex enough to marry her, that kind of love don't dissolves in 3 months, right? He thinks he's in love because you make him feel good, you're a balm on his wounds, but it's not love. If I-will-marry-you-love can be undone and replaced in 3 months than his 'love' isn't worth much. I know, it was my mistake. We are both 27 and he's second man in my life who I felt so good with. He has the same values as me, same sense of humour, I like his personality, we are attracted to each other, intellectual connection. I wanted to keep my distance and see how it goes but I apparently it didn't work out..
Els Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 I think 3 months is a bit early to be introducing someone to friends and family, especially if you're taking things slow. On the other hand, if he isn't open about ANYTHING and doesn't have conversations with you that aren't superficial, I would be concerned.
Gaeta Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 11 minutes ago, SurDeFil said: I know, it was my mistake. We are both 27 and he's second man in my life who I felt so good with. He has the same values as me, same sense of humour, I like his personality, we are attracted to each other, intellectual connection. I wanted to keep my distance and see how it goes but I apparently it didn't work out.. There are plenty of men that will have the same values as you, same sense of humour and you'll like their personality. You are attached yes, but he's not attached for the right reasons. These men rarely move on with the woman that treated their wounds. I know people on here don't follow much of our advice, it's hard when people are emotionally involved, but remember this down the line. At some point he'll have a conversation with you saying he thought he was ready but he's not. That conversation will arrive when it will be time for him to give you more commitment. 2
Gaeta Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 I forgot to add. He's not opening up about himself because at this time he's only filled with memories of his last relationship and the break up, and the whys. His mind isn't free to bring back childhood memories and such. It's buried way in the back. It also takes a lot of vulnerability to open up to a new person and he's not there in his process to recovery. 2
Author SurDeFil Posted January 24, 2020 Author Posted January 24, 2020 21 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I forgot to add. He's not opening up about himself because at this time he's only filled with memories of his last relationship and the break up, and the whys. His mind isn't free to bring back childhood memories and such. It's buried way in the back. It also takes a lot of vulnerability to open up to a new person and he's not there in his process to recovery. He is closed and introverted person. Me too, and it's hard for me to open and be vurnelable as well even though I am not on a rebound. When I open a little, he does too and he's first person I am dating I open up with. I thought maybe it could work out one day...
Ellener Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 I just had this 'love at first sight' connection with this man, but I suspect he still is way too hung up on the wife who died 14 years ago. I don't think some things are workable, I closed off the connection because it was too frustrating for an open spirit like me, he wouldn't commit, but honestly, I would be with him in a heartbeat if he ever is ready. I just won't hold my breath....and I'm going to go have fun in the meantime. Life's too short and all that...
Author SurDeFil Posted January 24, 2020 Author Posted January 24, 2020 6 minutes ago, Ellener said: I just had this 'love at first sight' connection with this man, but I suspect he still is way too hung up on the wife who died 14 years ago. I don't think some things are workable, I closed off the connection because it was too frustrating for an open spirit like me, he wouldn't commit, but honestly, I would be with him in a heartbeat if he ever is ready. I just won't hold my breath....and I'm going to go have fun in the meantime. Life's too short and all that... Ugh, that's terrible.. I feel sorry for you 1
introverted1 Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 So you're both 27, have been dating 3 months, and no sex? Nothing wrong with going slow, but if he's saying ILY but not advancing sex, something seems off. Gaeta nailed it regarding his ability to recover from his broken engagement. 2
smackie9 Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 3 hours ago, SurDeFil said: He is closed and introverted person. Me too, and it's hard for me to open and be vulnerable as well even though I am not on a rebound. When I open a little, he does too and he's first person I am dating I open up with. I thought maybe it could work out one day... You obviously have to be the aggressor of the relationship. You take a step and then he will take a step. Seems easy enough.
scooby-philly Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 I think you need to play King Solomon here. He could be not ready and still in mourning over the past relationship. Or he could just be that a little and also an introvert and quiet, etc. The question is his actions and not his words. If you like him and want to continue seeing him...put a little plan together and try different things to get him out of his shell, opportunities to discuss if he has friends and then setup something to meet them, etc. If you don't want to put any effort into that sort of thing then you're not really feeling it and then it's time to go. Sometimes it's just bad timing. Doesn't make you bad or him bad and doesn't mean either of you won't find true love.
Daisydooks Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 Do you have a good friend you could invite him out with? Someone you trust would be nice, calm, collected and also introverted so you could see how he at least interacts with your friends? He may not have friends, but do you? See if he is willing to jump into that idea. Cant hurt. At this point, in my personal opinion, this is going super duper snail paced slow in a few departments. What if he is terrible in bed and all of this is a waste of your time? I dont believe I am promiscuous by any stretch (I've been in committed relationships for 18 of my 22 years of dating life. Lol! I also have no desire to fall madly in love with someone to find our sex life a complete vanilla flavoured bore. I believe in being cautious, and moving slowly, but I'd be checking this guy for a pulse at this stage 1
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