Should I break up with her

[wearehappy]

I divorced a while ago and met this girl shortly after. 

 

She's much younger than me and didn't mind that I had a failed marriage. So we started. It was a healing process for me. Now more than a year in, things seem to move towards my next marriage. I start to ponder a few discomforts with her that had bothered me subconsciously for all this time. I am a people pleaser kind of person and paid dearly in my previous marriage for being like that. So I don't want to make the same mistakes again by moving forward with unanswered questions. 

 

I need some enlightening advice.

 

Since we started, I've felt a few things not quite right:

• She asks me to move in shortly after we started our relationship in order to save money, living in an expensive megacity.
• She asks me to join our bank accounts and basically all finances, otherwise our relationship can only remain in a very confined manner. This seems a critical requirement from her. I had this thought that my previous marriage could have worked better this way but I hadn't subscribed to it with my ex. So it might be worth a try. She's also a good investor that I can trust that our money is safe and healthy. Besides, she has kept a spreadsheet and showed it to me saying I'll get all my money back if we break up. But then she watches EVERY transaction on my other internet accounts as well. Mind you, she didn't even want to give her account passwords when she asked for mine. But I insisted on her reciprocating.
• She has a 4-year old labrador. I hate dogs, just can't stand living with them. For a practical one, without him, we could go way beyond our neighbourhood instead of the same path over and again for an hour each day. We are both busy people and really only have 2-3 hours together awake per day.
• She's not quite a clean person and our apartment is littered with dog hair and mud stains from the dog's paws. I have to vacuum clean the house every morning before I go to work. She does a bigger one every weekend. I can't seem to make her realize how dirty a place we are living in.
• She puts money and convenience before everything else, trying to maintain a minimal lifestyle (btw, I'm fine with the lifestyle most of the time). When my parents came to visit in winter, she refuses to buy more bedding (no heaters here) because she hates to move excessive stuff when moving later. In the end, my parents had to bring their own.
• I have strong opinions against plastic surgeries. She hid the fact that she had a nose job until recently, saying that she knew about my prejudice from my comments on other people and so kept it from me for a while.

 

But she has other good or even great quality that I adore:

• logical and we can talk through things and rarely fight (besides the above things) .
• a talented musician and I'm kind of her fan.
• Very sweet to me and gives me lots of reminders, knowing I tend to forget about things.
• A responsible person that never messes up the garbage and recyclables, etc.
• A good spender that never squander money. I have to say most of her purchases are sound choices.
• A good investor that's able to save money.

She also emphasizes that I'm much older and no richer than she is (my salary is higher but she has big savings and  more realestates), so she has no cheap financial motivations towards me.

 

So I basically forced myself to swallow all the stuff. Things seem to work OK. I forced myself to accept her dog and even walk the dog for her at times. I basically let her handle all the finance without checking how she spent the money. I allow her to check all my transactions. ...

 

Until recently we talked about moving forward to marriage and watched the movie Marriage Story together, then I realized that I'm seeing a deja vu of my previous marriage: being a people pleaser and choosing to ignore my own needs.

 

There are a few starters of this doubt:

 

• The other day I mentioned that we could send the dog to her parents or even adoption after we marry. She replied: "whoever doesn't want him will be out of the door".  That moment I really wanted to leave right away.
• Near the end of the year, she suddenly asked me "when are you putting your bonus to my investment account"? I said "why"? She said "because I just peeked into your account and saw a load of money coming in." This makes me feel like being stalked, although I did forget to check my account lately. I said "can I keep my bonus for my own family? They seem to need money at the end of the year usually". She asks "how much do you wanna keep?" I'm suddenly speechless.
• The dog pissed at home on the floor twice and she just cleaned things up but didn't even punish/educate him in any way. I remained calm but it seems I'm at my limits now.

 

I want to go into a second marriage with absolutely no doubts. Last time I didn't clear up all the questions, I regretted and probably always will my whole life. This time, I really like this girl better than my ex and thought we might have a better one. But these doubts have haunted me whenever I'm not with her. It's magical how all these doubts don't surface that often when she's around with all her sweetness and care. 

 

Her parents and grandparents are now with us for visiting and are really nice people. With her entire family here, I can't seem to ask her those questions and tell her how I feel, but I think I'm about to explode. I have a strong feeling that she would be like "whey the heck didn't you let me know earlier?" And "that's it for us.", if I blurted out.

 

I need enlightening advice for this before making a mistake again. I just feel awful having put almost 2 years in if we did break up in the end. 

Here are a few starter questions for you:

• Should I keep pretending nothing's wrong and keep swallowing  if I do feel her as a better choice than my ex? I also asked myself after the divorce: what if I kept swallowing things with my ex, maybe we'd have ended up having that emotional bond 10 years later. The other person always has the good qualities that I enjoy and benefit from. Maybe that's a price to pay? Maybe if I keep picking on people like in the Sex and The City, there'd only be a lonely road or at least long enough until I have fewer and fewer choices as I get old, wouldn't there?
• If I feel that I can't stand this anymore, should I wait till her family are gone? It could be a few weeks later or even longer. If we broke up, it'd be awful to moving things out in front of all those folks.

 

Looking forward to your input.

[scooby-philly]

Wow - OP, this is a lot of information to unpack.

 

I divorced a while ago and met this girl shortly after. 

• How long after the divorce did you meet her? How long were you previously married for? 
• It sounds like you may have just been in recovery when you fell for her, which leaves your vulnerable to ignoring your gut, discounting your wants/needs and in the zone to make hasty decisions. You said it yourself "it was a healing process for me". People should not date right after a divorce/breakup. Not saying what the exact timeline is, cause that varies with a lot of details about the breakup/divorce and that relationship. But really, it sounds like you ran head first into this situation without thinking. 
• Additionally, you self-identify as a pleaser. It's okay to be a "good man". It's not okay to be a carpet or the proverbial "nice guy'. And in terms of you saying "you don't want to make the same mistakes again"...it sounds like, based on what you shared...you've already made the mistakes - you just haven't formally "tied the knot". See below for more.

She's much younger than me and didn't mind that I had a failed marriage.

• How big is the age gap?
• You said below that she's got as much money/finances as you when you add all possessions up. That's not necessarily a bad thing but why would she ever point that out? Not to mention, if she's dating someone 8,10, or more years older, she may be expecting that person to be in a better financial space than you might be, which isn't good.

She asks me to move in shortly after we started our relationship in order to save money, living in an expensive megacity.
She asks me to join our bank accounts and basically all finances, otherwise our relationship can only remain in a very confined manner. This seems a critical requirement from her. I had this thought that my previous marriage could have worked better this way but I hadn't subscribed to it with my ex. So it might be worth a try. She's also a good investor that I can trust that our money is safe and healthy. Besides, she has kept a spreadsheet and showed it to me saying I'll get all my money back if we break up. But then she watches EVERY transaction on my other internet accounts as well. Mind you, she didn't even want to give her account passwords when she asked for mine. But I insisted on her reciprocating.

• Dude - run away! Seriously. I hope you haven't joined accounts yet. First off, you don't move in till you're 90% sure you love this person and they love you and you're a good match on the big things. So below, when you talk about her having a dog and you hating it, that's a big reason not only not to move in, but to move on. Some people love animals and want them around. Some don't. Either way isn't a problem. But people on opposite ends of the extreme usually don't mix unless there's a healthy compromise and the person bending in one area sees the other person bending in another
• You don't share finances until your married
• You don't give a gf/bf access to view spending till you're married
• No one sane says "i'll give you your money back if we break up". DUDE - what the f are you thinking?

She's not quite a clean person and our apartment is littered with dog hair and mud stains from the dog's paws. 

• It doesn't matter if she cleans up on the weekend and you pitch in with smaller cleanups on a daily basis. You recognize that she isn't your cup of tea with cleanliness. Combined with your dislove of dogs and your financial situation this is just another reason to run away.

She puts money and convenience before everything else, trying to maintain a minimal lifestyle (btw, I'm fine with the lifestyle most of the time). When my parents came to visit in winter, she refuses to buy more bedding (no heaters here) because she hates to move excessive stuff when moving later. In the end, my parents had to bring their own.

• That's ridiculous. Bedding doesn't go bad and isn't that hard to move. And I wonder if it was her parents or family members or friend if she would have not bought bedding then. Plus, if your parents have come over, why hasn't hers or someone else from her family or a friend from out of town?

I have strong opinions against plastic surgeries. She hid the fact that she had a nose job until recently, saying that she knew about my prejudice from my comments on other people and so kept it from me for a while.

• If this opinion came out and she didn't tell you right away, then that's a problem
• There are legit reasons to get cosmetic surgery. But then's there just "i don't like my nose or butt or face". One is necessity, the other is shallow.

But she has other good or even great quality that I adore:

logical and we can talk through things and rarely fight (besides the above things) .

• That's just a good person and good relationship.

a talented musician and I'm kind of her fan.

• So how does she make money or is she just a musician on the side or did she inherit a lot of money?

Very sweet to me and gives me lots of reminders, knowing I tend to forget about things.

• Okay - that's a nice quality. But it's not outstanding.

A responsible person that never messes up the garbage and recyclables, etc.

• Normal human

A good spender that never squander money. I have to say most of her purchases are sound choices.
A good investor that's able to save money.

• Nice traits, but not unique, and shouldn't be rare if she's over 25 or 30. But you already mentioned she may not be just a good saver but a penny pincher, which is actually unhealthy.

She also emphasizes that I'm much older and no richer than she is (my salary is higher but she has big savings and  more realestates), so she has no cheap financial motivations towards me.

• As I said above, that's just rude

The other day I mentioned that we could send the dog to her parents or even adoption after we marry. She replied: "whoever doesn't want him will be out of the door".  That moment I really wanted to leave right away.

• You're incompatible on this front. She's made her choice clear.

Near the end of the year, she suddenly asked me "when are you putting your bonus to my investment account"? I said "why"? She said "because I just peeked into your account and saw a load of money coming in." This makes me feel like being stalked, although I did forget to check my account lately. I said "can I keep my bonus for my own family? They seem to need money at the end of the year usually". She asks "how much do you wanna keep?" I'm suddenly speechless.

• Okay - that's a sign it's time to run. It sounds like she either grew up very poor or her family had a lot of money that someone lost or she's from a rich family where mom or dad was a penny pincher. Regardless of the reason, she doesn't consider your wants and needs and lifestyle in her calculation.

The dog pissed at home on the floor twice and she just cleaned things up but didn't even punish/educate him in any way. I remained calm but it seems I'm at my limits now.

• That is a problem especially given your lack of love for dogs and her uncleanliness. People often grow up with something or desire something they didn't have so much that they never really stop to think about the requirements of that thing before they get it. Animals are a great example. If she grew up with them and they weren't trained, she had a dirty home growing up, etc. she's just used to it and probably won't ever change. 

 

I just feel awful having put almost 2 years in if we did break up in the end. 

• 2 years? You should have left at 2 months!
• seriously - you may look on it as "time wasted" in the end, but you can also learn from it, grow, and really be careful next time and be proud you learned

If I feel that I can't stand this anymore, should I wait till her family are gone?

• To avoid any drama I would wait till they're gone. I would definitely start to untangle the finances and if you get a whiff that she's going to not give you back anything she owes you you can use the time to quietly look for a lawyer.
   

OP,

 

Overall, the picture you paint is not a healthy one. Sure, she's got some traits you admire but that doesn't mean you're right for each other. Now, I always caveat advice because we only get to hear one side of the story on here. but if you're being truthful and accurate this situation and person is not healthy and especially not healthy to you. Some of the smaller stuff would be manageable as no relationship is perfect. But the financial situation alone is a MAJOR RED FLAG.

And there's probably a ton more of info we would need on her and her upbringing to understand why she is the way she is, but from what you shared it sounds like in every facet of life she doesn't look at any one else's opinions or needs or wants and just expects a bf/husband to add to her bank account and life. Hence the snooping on your money, the comments about how she has as much as you, the deal with the dog. She doesn't want a real relationship, she wants to look like she does but doesn't compromise on anything major to please you and your needs as a partner. 

There's a lot more I could say, but there's so much to unpack here. For now, I would advise getting ready to split and preparing in as many ways as you can for the blowback.

[wearehappy]

8 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

Wow - OP, this is a lot of information to unpack.

 

I divorced a while ago and met this girl shortly after. 

• How long after the divorce did you meet her? How long were you previously married for? 
• It sounds like you may have just been in recovery when you fell for her, which leaves your vulnerable to ignoring your gut, discounting your wants/needs and in the zone to make hasty decisions. You said it yourself "it was a healing process for me". People should not date right after a divorce/breakup. Not saying what the exact timeline is, cause that varies with a lot of details about the breakup/divorce and that relationship. But really, it sounds like you ran head first into this situation without thinking. 
• Additionally, you self-identify as a pleaser. It's okay to be a "good man". It's not okay to be a carpet or the proverbial "nice guy'. And in terms of you saying "you don't want to make the same mistakes again"...it sounds like, based on what you shared...you've already made the mistakes - you just haven't formally "tied the knot". See below for more.

 

I was married for 7 years. I met her one month after the divorce.

In my previous marriage, me and my ex had quite some incompatible lifestyle issues, in addition to other issues (I don't like her looks and she has some health problems so that we rarely have sex), but I was attracted to that person for she's extraordinary in her trade and super intelligent and I had the same thoughts: it's been two years, and that girl gave up her life from another part of the world to join me, it'd have been too much to lose for her if we didn't move forward. I also sponsored her while she was at the graduate school, one of the reasons why I had slim savings. And it ended badly in the end. Before the divorce, I have had no sex for 4 years, one of the reasons I fell for my current girlfriend that fast. 

 

8 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

She's much younger than me and didn't mind that I had a failed marriage.

• How big is the age gap?
• You said below that she's got as much money/finances as you when you add all possessions up. That's not necessarily a bad thing but why would she ever point that out? Not to mention, if she's dating someone 8,10, or more years older, she may be expecting that person to be in a better financial space than you might be, which isn't good.

A gap of 10+ years.

She pointed that out when I was hesitating transferring all my money to her investment account. She understands that due to my divorce I 'm financially challenged for the time being.

 

8 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

She asks me to move in shortly after we started our relationship in order to save money, living in an expensive megacity.
She asks me to join our bank accounts and basically all finances, otherwise our relationship can only remain in a very confined manner. This seems a critical requirement from her. I had this thought that my previous marriage could have worked better this way but I hadn't subscribed to it with my ex. So it might be worth a try. She's also a good investor that I can trust that our money is safe and healthy. Besides, she has kept a spreadsheet and showed it to me saying I'll get all my money back if we break up. But then she watches EVERY transaction on my other internet accounts as well. Mind you, she didn't even want to give her account passwords when she asked for mine. But I insisted on her reciprocating.

• Dude - run away! Seriously. I hope you haven't joined accounts yet. First off, you don't move in till you're 90% sure you love this person and they love you and you're a good match on the big things. So below, when you talk about her having a dog and you hating it, that's a big reason not only not to move in, but to move on. Some people love animals and want them around. Some don't. Either way isn't a problem. But people on opposite ends of the extreme usually don't mix unless there's a healthy compromise and the person bending in one area sees the other person bending in another
• You don't share finances until your married
• You don't give a gf/bf access to view spending till you're married
• No one sane says "i'll give you your money back if we break up". DUDE - what the f are you thinking?

Indeed, when she first brought that up, I almost said this is impossible. But for some reason, I just asked for her bank account detail in turn and made her give her passwords to me as well. Then I thought, fine, this is OK. But mind you even that was not an instant exchange. I had to force her to give the info to me. Since then, I've never logged into her account once to stalk her. I only need the info for reciprocation and as a proof that she's not onto something suspicious. Well, I guess at that time, I hate to lose her upfront. In fact, come to think of it,  I've never said a firm no to anything in my past relationships. That might be a real problem.

In my mind, the city we are living in is quite expensive and I'd love to save as much money as I can, considering I still owe some money to my ex. So that mindset drove me into this corner. 

8 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

She's not quite a clean person and our apartment is littered with dog hair and mud stains from the dog's paws. 

• It doesn't matter if she cleans up on the weekend and you pitch in with smaller cleanups on a daily basis. You recognize that she isn't your cup of tea with cleanliness. Combined with your dislove of dogs and your financial situation this is just another reason to run away.

She puts money and convenience before everything else, trying to maintain a minimal lifestyle (btw, I'm fine with the lifestyle most of the time). When my parents came to visit in winter, she refuses to buy more bedding (no heaters here) because she hates to move excessive stuff when moving later. In the end, my parents had to bring their own.

• That's ridiculous. Bedding doesn't go bad and isn't that hard to move. And I wonder if it was her parents or family members or friend if she would have not bought bedding then. Plus, if your parents have come over, why hasn't hers or someone else from her family or a friend from out of town?

Her parents were here before earlier and probably it was not winter yet they need nothing special. But she told me that her parents are quite resistant to cold weather. I told her my mom is not. After my mom came and complained, she bought something more, but then my family were quite unhappy with her attitudes. This was another issue that left a bad taste in their mouth.

 

 

8 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

I have strong opinions against plastic surgeries. She hid the fact that she had a nose job until recently, saying that she knew about my prejudice from my comments on other people and so kept it from me for a while.

• If this opinion came out and she didn't tell you right away, then that's a problem
• There are legit reasons to get cosmetic surgery. But then's there just "i don't like my nose or butt or face". One is necessity, the other is shallow.

But she has other good or even great quality that I adore:

logical and we can talk through things and rarely fight (besides the above things) .

• That's just a good person and good relationship.

a talented musician and I'm kind of her fan.

• So how does she make money or is she just a musician on the side or did she inherit a lot of money?

Very sweet to me and gives me lots of reminders, knowing I tend to forget about things.

• Okay - that's a nice quality. But it's not outstanding.

A responsible person that never messes up the garbage and recyclables, etc.

• Normal human

A good spender that never squander money. I have to say most of her purchases are sound choices.
A good investor that's able to save money.

• Nice traits, but not unique, and shouldn't be rare if she's over 25 or 30. But you already mentioned she may not be just a good saver but a penny pincher, which is actually unhealthy.

She also emphasizes that I'm much older and no richer than she is (my salary is higher but she has big savings and  more realestates), so she has no cheap financial motivations towards me.

• As I said above, that's just rude

OK. That's quite a relief. 

As for her job, she works as an in-house composer for a big entertainment company. Her salary is stable and good. She's really good at what she does. 

 

 

8 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

I just feel awful having put almost 2 years in if we did break up in the end. 

• 2 years? You should have left at 2 months!
• seriously - you may look on it as "time wasted" in the end, but you can also learn from it, grow, and really be careful next time and be proud you learned

I think you are right. I just wanna cry why I keep committing to a relationship before a full recovery from the previous one. My marriage was the result of this same reason as well. I have to fix this. I still remember while lying in bed with her in Month #2 and got woken up by her dog's barks while she was still asleep. I wanted to run the next day but I didn't. Now I'd have to tell her I still haven't got over it. What an embarrassment.

 

8 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

If I feel that I can't stand this anymore, should I wait till her family are gone?

• To avoid any drama I would wait till they're gone. I would definitely start to untangle the finances and if you get a whiff that she's going to not give you back anything she owes you you can use the time to quietly look for a lawyer.
   

We are in a real special situation where one of her parents just fell down and got hurt the other day. And I don't even know how long it would take for them to leave. I felt quite hard to raise this and then move out all my stuff in front of her whole family. Tough luck. But at least, I now live elsewhere because they occupied the apartment for the time being. They just don't know what I feel about our relationship and still treat me as a part of the equation.

 

 

8 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

OP,

 

Overall, the picture you paint is not a healthy one. Sure, she's got some traits you admire but that doesn't mean you're right for each other. Now, I always caveat advice because we only get to hear one side of the story on here. but if you're being truthful and accurate this situation and person is not healthy and especially not healthy to you. Some of the smaller stuff would be manageable as no relationship is perfect. But the financial situation alone is a MAJOR RED FLAG.

And there's probably a ton more of info we would need on her and her upbringing to understand why she is the way she is, but from what you shared it sounds like in every facet of life she doesn't look at any one else's opinions or needs or wants and just expects a bf/husband to add to her bank account and life. Hence the snooping on your money, the comments about how she has as much as you, the deal with the dog. She doesn't want a real relationship, she wants to look like she does but doesn't compromise on anything major to please you and your needs as a partner. 

There's a lot more I could say, but there's so much to unpack here. For now, I would advise getting ready to split and preparing in as many ways as you can for the blowback.

I can say one reason for her financial situation, as she confessed to me, is that she received no money from her parents in her earlier life until university, and her dad sent away her pet dog without her permission when she was little. She's quite rude to her parents in person I noticed. That's an annoyance to me to say the least.

I agree that having all these questions is definitely not a good sign. Here is what I plan to do.

• Tell her I'd love to withdraw from the financial bond.
• Tell her I can't live with pets at home. If that's not negotiable, I'll start looking for a new place.

I think I'd better do this before the coming Valentine's Day.  Otherwise I'd be too embarrassed to put up a positive show now that her family and she are asking about our marriage plan.

Thank you so much for your advice. I really appreciate it! @scooby-philly

 

[Daisydooks]

53 minutes ago, wearehappy said:

After my mom came and complained, she bought something more, but then my family were quite unhappy with her attitudes. This was another issue that left a bad taste in their mouth.

I always listen to my mama. I hate it when she is right, but she always is. What did you mom not like about her? What attitude? What behaviour? Not that it matters a whole lot. Your family doesnt approve and neither does anyone else here. Please don't marry this girl. You'll be working on divorce number 2 before paying off divorce number 1. I promise you. You have zero control of your finances and I have no idea why that's not terrifying to you. Why do you have a joint account with anyone? Why is that necessary? Why is that necessary even when married? Unless of course you have kids and she doesnt bring in an income. 

I'd move out with my animals if someone asked this of me. This is something you should have said no to at the beginning. You hate dogs. It's fine. What's not fine is moving some new broad you barely know into your house, playing house for 2 years and then asking her to get rid of her dog. She has faults. This isnt one of them. She will leave you the second you say this. Lead with this and see what happens. You'll have her gone in no time. Start looking for a new place. Split your finances. Yesterday. This is scary how quickly this all went down and nothing seems right. 

Why exactly are you rushing into marriage again? 

53 minutes ago, wearehappy said:

Tell her I can't live with pets at home. If that's not negotiable, I'll start looking for a new place.

 

Edited January 25, 2020 by Daisydooks

[CAPITAL CROOK]

If she is younger than you, has more money saved up and more real estate... Well, something there does not quite make sense. At first glance, I would say she has done this dance many, many times... The fact that she is so forward with her financial requests of you, while not immediately offering up her own passwords, screams that she is just playing a game of positioning with you.

Secondly, I don't give a flying f*** who you are, if a dog is more important than marriage, you need to give your head a shake, maybe several...

The thing is, she is watching your money like a hawk, because she knows she is putting a lot of pressure on you and is probably well aware of your doubts, but is simply trying to ease them until she can gain an even better position on you.

This woman sounds like bad news... She already told you she would choose the dog over you, that should tell you everything you need to know. 

The more important question here is... How do you get all your money back, intact, while also keeping her suspicion of you minimal.

If you are looking for even more damning information, you should check out a registry and see if this woman has been married in the past. I bet you money she has and is keeping it from you.

[wearehappy]

3 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

I always listen to my mama. I hate it when she is right, but she always is. What did you mom not like about her? What attitude? What behaviour? Not that it matters a whole lot. Your family doesnt approve and neither does anyone else here. Please don't marry this girl. You'll be working on divorce number 2 before paying off divorce number 1. I promise you. You have zero control of your finances and I have no idea why that's not terrifying to you. Why do you have a joint account with anyone? Why is that necessary? Why is that necessary even when married? Unless of course you have kids and she doesnt bring in an income. 

I'd move out with my animals if someone asked this of me. This is something you should have said no to at the beginning. You hate dogs. It's fine. What's not fine is moving some new broad you barely know into your house, playing house for 2 years and then asking her to get rid of her dog. She has faults. This isnt one of them. She will leave you the second you say this. Lead with this and see what happens. You'll have her gone in no time. Start looking for a new place. Split your finances. Yesterday. This is scary how quickly this all went down and nothing seems right. 

Why exactly are you rushing into marriage again? 

 

Thanks.

 

My mom said she never initiated a conversation and treated her like a maid, e.g., at one breakfast when I was away for work, she asked my mom "where is my egg?". Note that it's literally what she said (at least my mom emphasizes that), not "Shall we have eggs for breakfast?" Or even "May I have an egg, please?"

 

I wasn't gonna rush into the marriage. The parents from both sides were the driving force (They want grandchildren). Otherwise I would have stayed where we were. But I now thank this push to let me take a step back and have a bigger picture.

 

I thought I could adapt myself to the dog, but after seeing that dog piss I was like NO CAN DO all over again.

[wearehappy]

2 hours ago, CAPITAL CROOK said:

If she is younger than you, has more money saved up and more real estate... Well, something there does not quite make sense. At first glance, I would say she has done this dance many, many times... The fact that she is so forward with her financial requests of you, while not immediately offering up her own passwords, screams that she is just playing a game of positioning with you.

Her dream is to buy a big house in this megacity. All her other realestates are actually her family's in her hometown. Buying a home is pretty out of reach for either one of us alone here.

 

 

2 hours ago, CAPITAL CROOK said:

Secondly, I don't give a flying f*** who you are, if a dog is more important than marriage, you need to give your head a shake, maybe several...

My own first reaction as well.

 

2 hours ago, CAPITAL CROOK said:

The thing is, she is watching your money like a hawk, because she knows she is putting a lot of pressure on you and is probably well aware of your doubts, but is simply trying to ease them until she can gain an even better position on you.

This woman sounds like bad news... She already told you she would choose the dog over you, that should tell you everything you need to know. 

The more important question here is... How do you get all your money back, intact, while also keeping her suspicion of you minimal.

If you are looking for even more damning information, you should check out a registry and see if this woman has been married in the past. I bet you money she has and is keeping it from you.

I have the faith in her because I still have her spreadsheet with me. She would not fxxk me up like that.

 

Thanks for the head shake.

[Daisydooks]

1 hour ago, wearehappy said:

Thanks.

 

My mom said she never initiated a conversation and treated her like a maid, e.g., at one breakfast when I was away for work, she asked my mom "where is my egg?". Note that it's literally what she said (at least my mom emphasizes that), not "Shall we have eggs for breakfast?" Or even "May I have an egg, please?"

 

I wasn't gonna rush into the marriage. The parents from both sides were the driving force (They want grandchildren). Otherwise I would have stayed where we were. But I now thank this push to let me take a step back and have a bigger picture.

 

I thought I could adapt myself to the dog, but after seeing that dog piss I was like NO CAN DO all over again.

So the parents who dont like her behaviour are the driving force behind wanting you to get married? I don't understand. Lol! What? This doesnt even make an ounce of sense. 

[wearehappy]

37 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

So the parents who dont like her behaviour are the driving force behind wanting you to get married? I don't understand. Lol! What? This doesnt even make an ounce of sense. 

I guess the order matters. Parents are like:

• Are you guys getting along?
• When are you getting married?
• Can we come and visit?

Does that make sense?

[fromheart]

I would have kicked her out of my life permanently, a long time ago.

I'll be direct with you, you were a pleaser in your last relationship and you still haven't learned your lesson.  I used to be you.  Kick these people out of your life, before you end up in an early grave.

[wearehappy]

Something happened. So her parents and grandparents came from a semi-quarantined area (I know how it sounds, but it's true), and her grandma was hurt and they can't go home anytime soon, so she was quite worried about the situation.  Her actual focus is not about her family, but the fact that she herself may get infected, and said "I don't care if they die, as long as I don't get infected." I said, "What are you thinking? They are your family!" She's like "I'm not like you. We are different."

 

I hoped that I misunderstood her or it was simply because she was mad at me or her/my family or simply stressed out at that time. So I gave her half a day and asked her again. She said that it was a bit exaggerated.

 

But do you think it's normal a human being could ever say such words out loud?

[elaine567]

18 minutes ago, wearehappy said:

." I said, "What are you thinking? They are your family!" She's like "I'm not like you. We are different."

 

11 hours ago, wearehappy said:

...that girl gave up her life from another part of the world to join me,

I guess it is a cultural difference

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you badly need a backbone and to give your own head a good shake. 

You would be incredibly foolish to continue this relationship, much less marry her. 

[scooby-philly]

OP,

 

Some other solid advice and perspectives from people.

 

You've seen the way she treats your family and her family. The way she treats her family is indicative of who she is as a person.

 

I'm 5 months out of a heartbreaking relationship. Got dumped over text and IM after almost 2 years and on the same day she was still sending me little couples' cartoons about how her "bf" was a superhero. Yeah.

 

As I clear my head and heal and build up my self-respect again, I realize a pattern - I pressure myself into relationships that aren't right for me and stay after my gut says I'm not happy or this isn't right - and without a whole life story added here from me - I realize now that all 3ltrs I've had - the families of the women have been cold, unaffectionate, and to varying degrees toxic or shame based, or what not. Not that my family is perfect. They're not. They were and to a lesser degree, are still shamed based and mildly toxic. But I've learned and grown and understand and address things head on. I will not get back into a relationship unless the person is loving and affectionate and sweet and either her family is good or she's done the work to address the problems. I owe it to myself, my own happiness, and to the hard work I've put into myself and my life.

 

I think part of you posting on here is to get support to make a tough choice since you probably want to be a good man and you're focusing on the wrong things. Life isn't about the place you live. You can't control global economics and a lot of people that don't "make it" or are late bloomers, it's because they've been fixing personal and family problems along the way. Take no shame in your economics. Talk to your family.

 

And...start untangling your finances now. From what you describe her family may actually be supportive of you if they see her as crazy and you as a decent man. If not, no worries, just start working an exit plan. For your own sake.

[spiderowl]

She should not be sharing your accounts and finances like this.  You are an adult and you are not married to her.  You do not have to share accounts unless you want to.  From the sound of it, you did not want to.  She is very money-orientated which I feel never bodes well.  

The dog, well I can understand that she will not give up her dog.  It is her pet, she probably adores it and has had it from before she met you.  I can understand you are not happy with the mess and that is something to talk about with her.  You do not mention why the dog peed on the floor - was it stuck inside and could not get out?  If so, you cannot really blame the dog.  If you don't like dogs, you will probably not see why it is behaving as it is.  If it just peed on the floor when it could have gone out, there are various reasons for that, only one of which is poor behaviour.  Others are possible urine infection, anxiety, being trapped.  If you want her, you will have to put up with the dog and treat it well.

She does sound controlling and if your family don't like her that is a warning sign, though not conclusive proof that there is anything wrong with her.  If you are having major doubts, then respect your own feelings and do not rush into marriage.  Separate out your finances - say you would just rather keep them separate.  She should respect that too.

.

[K.K.]

On 1/23/2020 at 11:02 PM, wearehappy said:

I divorced a while ago and met this girl shortly after. 

 

She's much younger than me and didn't mind that I had a failed marriage. So we started. It was a healing process for me. Now more than a year in, things seem to move towards my next marriage. I start to ponder a few discomforts with her that had bothered me subconsciously for all this time. I am a people pleaser kind of person and paid dearly in my previous marriage for being like that. So I don't want to make the same mistakes again by moving forward with unanswered questions. 

 

I need some enlightening advice.

 

Since we started, I've felt a few things not quite right:

• She asks me to move in shortly after we started our relationship in order to save money, living in an expensive megacity.
• She asks me to join our bank accounts and basically all finances, otherwise our relationship can only remain in a very confined manner. This seems a critical requirement from her. I had this thought that my previous marriage could have worked better this way but I hadn't subscribed to it with my ex. So it might be worth a try. She's also a good investor that I can trust that our money is safe and healthy. Besides, she has kept a spreadsheet and showed it to me saying I'll get all my money back if we break up. But then she watches EVERY transaction on my other internet accounts as well. Mind you, she didn't even want to give her account passwords when she asked for mine. But I insisted on her reciprocating.
• She has a 4-year old labrador. I hate dogs, just can't stand living with them. For a practical one, without him, we could go way beyond our neighbourhood instead of the same path over and again for an hour each day. We are both busy people and really only have 2-3 hours together awake per day.
• She's not quite a clean person and our apartment is littered with dog hair and mud stains from the dog's paws. I have to vacuum clean the house every morning before I go to work. She does a bigger one every weekend. I can't seem to make her realize how dirty a place we are living in.
• She puts money and convenience before everything else, trying to maintain a minimal lifestyle (btw, I'm fine with the lifestyle most of the time). When my parents came to visit in winter, she refuses to buy more bedding (no heaters here) because she hates to move excessive stuff when moving later. In the end, my parents had to bring their own.
• I have strong opinions against plastic surgeries. She hid the fact that she had a nose job until recently, saying that she knew about my prejudice from my comments on other people and so kept it from me for a while.

 

But she has other good or even great quality that I adore:

• logical and we can talk through things and rarely fight (besides the above things) .
• a talented musician and I'm kind of her fan.
• Very sweet to me and gives me lots of reminders, knowing I tend to forget about things.
• A responsible person that never messes up the garbage and recyclables, etc.
• A good spender that never squander money. I have to say most of her purchases are sound choices.
• A good investor that's able to save money.

She also emphasizes that I'm much older and no richer than she is (my salary is higher but she has big savings and  more realestates), so she has no cheap financial motivations towards me.

 

So I basically forced myself to swallow all the stuff.Things seem to work OK. I forced myself to accept her dog and even walk the dog for her at times. I basically let her handle all the finance without checking how she spent the money. I allow her to check all my transactions. ...

 

Until recently we talked about moving forward to marriage and watched the movie Marriage Story together, then I realized that I'm seeing a deja vu of my previous marriage: being a people pleaser and choosing to ignore my own needs.

 

There are a few starters of this doubt:

 

• The other day I mentioned that we could send the dog to her parents or even adoption after we marry. She replied: "whoever doesn't want him will be out of the door".  That moment I really wanted to leave right away.
• Near the end of the year, she suddenly asked me "when are you putting your bonus to my investment account"? I said "why"? She said "because I just peeked into your account and saw a load of money coming in." This makes me feel like being stalked, although I did forget to check my account lately. I said "can I keep my bonus for my own family? They seem to need money at the end of the year usually". She asks "how much do you wanna keep?" I'm suddenly speechless.
• The dog pissed at home on the floor twice and she just cleaned things up but didn't even punish/educate him in any way. I remained calm but it seems I'm at my limits now.

 

I want to go into a second marriage with absolutely no doubts. Last time I didn't clear up all the questions, I regretted and probably always will my whole life. This time, I really like this girl better than my ex and thought we might have a better one. But these doubts have haunted me whenever I'm not with her. It's magical how all these doubts don't surface that often when she's around with all her sweetness and care. 

 

Her parents and grandparents are now with us for visiting and are really nice people. With her entire family here, I can't seem to ask her those questions and tell her how I feel, but I think I'm about to explode. I have a strong feeling that she would be like "whey the heck didn't you let me know earlier?" And "that's it for us.", if I blurted out.

 

I need enlightening advice for this before making a mistake again. I just feel awful having put almost 2 years in if we did break up in the end. 

Here are a few starter questions for you:

• Should I keep pretending nothing's wrong and keep swallowing  if I do feel her as a better choice than my ex? I also asked myself after the divorce: what if I kept swallowing things with my ex, maybe we'd have ended up having that emotional bond 10 years later. The other person always has the good qualities that I enjoy and benefit from. Maybe that's a price to pay? Maybe if I keep picking on people like in the Sex and The City, there'd only be a lonely road or at least long enough until I have fewer and fewer choices as I get old, wouldn't there?
• If I feel that I can't stand this anymore, should I wait till her family are gone? It could be a few weeks later or even longer. If we broke up, it'd be awful to moving things out in front of all those folks.

 

Looking forward to your input.

That’s a whole hell of a lot to “swallow.”

You’re the only one who knows how hungry you are.... 

[wearehappy]

Just did it. Now it's heartwrenching time ....

[fromheart]

On 1/25/2020 at 2:10 PM, wearehappy said:

Something happened. So her parents and grandparents came from a semi-quarantined area (I know how it sounds, but it's true), and her grandma was hurt and they can't go home anytime soon, so she was quite worried about the situation.  Her actual focus is not about her family, but the fact that she herself may get infected, and said "I don't care if they die, as long as I don't get infected." I said, "What are you thinking? They are your family!" She's like "I'm not like you. We are different."

 

I hoped that I misunderstood her or it was simply because she was mad at me or her/my family or simply stressed out at that time. So I gave her half a day and asked her again. She said that it was a bit exaggerated.

 

But do you think it's normal a human being could ever say such words out loud?

She's awful.  What a horrible thing to say about your own family!  Get rid of her.