Ruby Slippers Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 It doesn't take long to figure out if there's potential for something more. One date or two. If you can't focus long enough to give one person a week or two of your undivided attention and consideration, that seems very impatient to me. We're not shopping for a bag of chips here. 3
Shining One Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 8 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: It doesn't take long to figure out if there's potential for something more. One date or two. This depends entirely on what you're looking for. Some criteria can be evaluated upon first meeting. Others can take over a month. For example, I value egalitarianism and sexual interest. Women rarely demonstrate that within the first two dates. My most recent ex was a rare exception (sexual interest on first date, egalitarianism on the second). I can't expect all women I encounter to act in the same fashion.
stillafool Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 To those of you who don't believe in multi dating does this mean that you ask for exclusivity on the first date? 1
EarlOfPreston Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 You can't go out with more than one person at a time. That's just the rule.
central Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 12 minutes ago, EarlOfPreston said: You can't go out with more than one person at a time. That's just the rule. Funny, I've never seen that rule, and it's certainly not enforced.
TaintedLuv Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) 37 yo female in the US chiming in here. I think if we’re talking a bunch of first dates with different people at any given time then it’s no big deal but if we see each other a few times and there’s constant communication in between then my expectation is that we’re both heading towards exclusivity but I never assume that regardless. Just because that’s the implicit standard that I hold myself to, doesn’t mean the other party is doing the same. I rarely find that many men that pique my interest to begin with and I have a busy lifestyle so if I’m willing to make time for someone, I already see the potential and meeting is either going to confirm that or end it. I don’t think morals have anything to do with the initial interactions with different people as long as you’re being honest about your intentions. I’m looking for forever after. Perhaps others are just killing time or want a free meal/drinks. I don’t have the time or desire to entertain people on such a superficial level. Edited January 28, 2020 by TaintedLuv 3
Ruby Slippers Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 3 hours ago, stillafool said: To those of you who don't believe in multi dating does this mean that you ask for exclusivity on the first date? I've never had to bring it up, just naturally attract men of like minds. After a few dates, he brings it up in a subtle way, I say of course I'm not seeing anyone else, and we discuss how silly that notion is for us. For me and the men I get along with, we're selective and it takes time to find someone suitable for even a first date, so we're not going to get off on the wrong foot by juggling multiple options at the same time. 2
littleblackheart Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 On 1/27/2020 at 2:25 AM, OatsAndHall said: There's a huge difference between meeting a few different people for coffee, drinks, bowling, dinner (etc) and being actively heavily romantically involved with multiple people That's not entirely what I meant, sorry for not being clear! Being heavily romantically involved with multiple people is a perfectly legitimate life style choice that I bear no judgement on. There are plenty of polyamorous people and I guess for them, multi dating makes sense. But why would a monogamous person looking for an LTR need to 'keep their options open'? I understand that an over anxious person may want set up a handful of first meetings so as to keep things in perspective (I don't do OLD but am told it can be brutal, so having safeguards seem fair enough), but beyond that, I don't get the need to 'keep your options open'. Not saying it doesn't work (it clearly does, since people get into LTRs from them) - I don't really understand why such heavy weight is put on being 'exclusive'. It's not a marriage proposal, you're not tied to each other for good, you're not missing out on anything, you're literally just establishing compatibility with one person. That's all. Why has it become such a loaded concept? (genuine question) 1
Miss Spider Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) I don’t know why such a big deal is put on exclusive either. It seems almost like a premature claim stake on a person to me. Like I’m calling dibs before someone else comes along while we get to know each other. Before you are in a relationship with a person, you’re just dating and getting to know them. Why can you not see others? I don’t know right away if I want to get in a relationship with someone off the bat. It might take awhile for me. So why can’t I see others in the meantime, while it may or may not be developing? It’s not like I’m putting his life at risk or anything. . Sure you can think ahead and be like “I don’t want to kiss person X because I can see myself being in a serious relationship with person Y later down the road and that might make me feel guilty” But I think that’s purely up to the individual’s discretion and how they feel at the time. Edited January 28, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
The Outlaw Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 To each their own, but I wouldn't even remotely entertain the idea of doing it and I don't think morals even play even a minor role in it because to me, it's just greed. It will, however, increase your chances of finding a potentially more suitable partner at the cost of a headache that won't be worth it at the end of the day to most people not to create trust issues with other people.
littleblackheart Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 It's not really about what you can or can't do (it's your life!), it's more about why, I guess. I see no tangible benefits to this; just a lot of self-centeredness, if I'm honest. But hey, happy to agree to disagree on this. 28 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: So why can’t I see others in the meantime, while it may or may not be developing 1
SumGuy Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 6 minutes ago, The Outlaw said: To each their own, but I wouldn't even remotely entertain the idea of doing it and I don't think morals even play even a minor role in it because to me, it's just greed. It will, however, increase your chances of finding a potentially more suitable partner at the cost of a headache that won't be worth it at the end of the day to most people not to create trust issues with other people. I'd have no trust issues with Cookiesandough the way she describes it, even if she kissed another guy while just in the first meet or first date stage with me. Because in my view she doesn't owe me or him any loyalty to that degree at all at that stage. I'm not going to question if she really liked me because I know all to well the first two dates can be great then on date three it's not. Of course the see only me to see where it goes does set in, but not at the stage she describes. 1
Miss Spider Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) I understand littleblackheart. I was just proposing a different moral argument. I think it’s self centered of someone I just started dating/talking to to expect me to stop talking to everyone else. But like I said I understand your position and agree to disagree and all that Edited January 28, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
SumGuy Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 6 minutes ago, littleblackheart said: I see no tangible benefits to this; just a lot of self-centeredness, if I'm honest. The tangible benefit is a time savings. It's a parallel instead of a serial process. The speed dating concept takes it to an extreme. Given the odds that it is only 1 in 3 or less of the people you meet even get to second date, having first meets in a serial fashion is going to extend the time you find someone just for that second date by a factor of three at least. If you only can really go on one good date a week you are talking two months to get to just a second date. And not all second meets turn into thirds, etc. You can call these dates, but really they are mostly just meets where you talk and often soon find out that a second meet/first date is not happening. 1
Ambereyes Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 9 hours ago, stillafool said: To those of you who don't believe in multi dating does this mean that you ask for exclusivity on the first date? Going on a date with multiple people is not multi-dating.
littleblackheart Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 (edited) @SumGuyAs I said upthread, I wouldn't consider meeting a stranger for coffee for the first time a date so I guess we're talking about 2 different things. I don't do either but I don't do OLD, so that explains it. I too feel I owe no loyalty to a someone I barely know, but at least I owe them the courtesy of getting to know them on their own merit, one on one. That's what being exclusive means, to me. Edited January 29, 2020 by littleblackheart 1
SumGuy Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 @littleblackheart I think I agree when you put it that way. In OLD they are really strangers. The times went out with someone from my social circle never had planned a date or meet with any one else. Likely because had already met this person several times and know of them from friends. So in that case it really is more like a third or fourth date at the OLD level.
littleblackheart Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 Right. I realise that OLD implies getting in touch with (and possibly arranging to meet) more than one prospect at a time, which is the whole purpose of the thing, I guess. That doesn't really appeal to me, but then I'm not actively looking for someone. My (badly expressed) point is more about why being exclusive has become such a big issue, when it really is nothing more than common courtesy, regardless of how long it takes to get to know someone (a while, for me) or how you got to meet them. Regularly lining up dates spanning weeks with several people is not a very healthy outlook, imo. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 I've never had to ask a man to date only me, and a man has never had to ask me. We don't impose it. We freely choose it. He brings it up, I say we're on the same page, he confirms, and that's that. If you feel better considering multiple options at once, it's your life. Personally, for me, it makes no sense and comes across as shopping for a human being like a purse. 1
OatsAndHall Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 On 1/28/2020 at 4:01 PM, littleblackheart said: Why has it become such a loaded concept? (genuine question) Honestly, I really disliked the concept of even seeing multiple people at once for the longest time. I have had arguments with multiple people on LS over this topic. I didn't see why it was such an issue to ask someone to give it a few dates, see how each party felt and react accordingly. That's how dating worked 15-20 years ago so the concept of "multi-dating" was completely alien to me. You saw one person at a time and you took a lot of grief if you were dating more than one person, even for a short period. Doing so tagged you as a "player" or worse. With that being said, it appears as if the "rules" have changed dramatically; asking someone for "exclusivity" too early is seen as "controlling" and "possessive". Whether I was meeting women in RL or via OLD, many were multi-dating and my stance against it became a giant hassle. I ditched my "multi-dating deal breaker" and just went with the flow and continued to see one person at a time. But, it was kind of frustrating as a) setting up plans was difficult and b) many women were keeping just up just enough communication/dates to try and keep me interested. So, I said the hell with it and started making plans with multiple women. Some of it was keeping my options open, some of it was not getting roped into a couple weeks of only seeing a woman who appeared to have lukewarm interest.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 What if we define multiple dating more specifically. 1. How many people do you kiss at the same time? 2. How many people do you have sex with at the same time? 3. Are you willing to schedule short sitdowns with more than one person in a week? To me, multiple dating means only #3. I'm willing to meet many people in one week for a short coffee or drink ... just to see if I'm interested in asking them out again. We are not "dating" as in partnered. Online dating, I think, has changed things ... because when you go out on a first meeting with someone based on an online connection you really have no idea if you'll have any chemistry with them. Frankly, you don't even know if you will like them as a human being. One day, online profiles might be better at predicting chemistry, but as of now ... it's a near random numbers game. Let's contrast this to the pre-online dating era ... In those days (and still today if you go out to various events) I would only ask someone out if I met them at a party or an event and I really enjoyed talking to them and found them attractive. So now ... in the online world ... a first meeting ... is the equivalent of an initial conversation at a party. Just as I have no idea if I'll like talking to that person person five feet away at a party ... so it is that I have no idea if I'll like someone at a first meeting. More to the point, I'm not trying to like people at a first meeting. Saying I will only meet with one woman during a week for a first introduction is like saying at a live event I will only talk to one woman the entire night. Nor do I tell myself, Oh, I'll only go to one group gathering with women I don't know this week because I might meet someone I really like at the first meeting. I can always skip the second party ... just as I can always cancel a first meeting with someone if earlier in the week I meet someone I want to focus on. Multiple first meetings today is simply the equivalent of talking to multiple people at a live event. There's no presumption that I am going to like the person nor that they will like me.
Andy_K Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 (edited) On 1/28/2020 at 11:55 PM, Cookiesandough said: I understand littleblackheart. I was just proposing a different moral argument. I think it’s self centered of someone I just started dating/talking to to expect me to stop talking to everyone else. But like I said I understand your position and agree to disagree and all that There's a small distinction here but it's an important one. Someone against multi-dating doesn't expect you to be exclusive instantly and cut off all contact with others. They just want to date someone who's only focused on getting to know one person in the first place. In your current case for example, I'm guessing you text the guy you're meeting soon a lot. Could you sustain that level of texting with three different guys at the same time or would it get exhausting? If you did manage to sustain it, would you really be spending as much mental energy getting to know each one of them? As much time thinking about meeting them? It's not likely. Multi-dating will often put natural barriers on getting to know someone which wouldn't exist if you've only one interest at a time. Maybe it's how much time you spend texting or when you meet. Maybe it's how soon you sleep together or how far ahead you can plan things. The one-at-a-time daters don't want rules, limits, complications, or drama. Just two people getting to know each other, because dating doesn't need to be as complicated as the modern world seems to make it. Edited January 30, 2020 by Andy_K 1
littleblackheart Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 Quote asking someone for "exclusivity" too early is seen as "controlling" and "possessive" This is very troubling, imo. It's not indicating a moral stance, a lifestyle choice or a safeguard. It's just a giant red flag of emotional immaturity (this tallies with what I've seen in real life). This is unfortunately being shamefully and cynically exploited by the 'dating apps' industry. You can be 'exclusive' for as long or as little as you want. It is not a commitment at all, you still have free will... I honestly find this resistance to being 'exclusive' completely bewildering. As a strictly monogamous person, I have never been in a position where I find myself being equally attracted to 2 people at once, not even for a short while. I generally need a lot more than 1 or 2 meetings to determine whether someone is compatible or not (that's why I don't do OLD), but I also have no sense of urgency in finding a partner so I have no concept of 'saving time' or 'keeping options open' in this regard. Honestly, the more I read about it, the more offputting I find multidating to be.
Miss Spider Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 (edited) @ I see what you’re saying. That you ought to focus all of your energy on one person. There are some advantages to not doing that, though. I don’t think it all has to be as orchestrated as some people seem to think. Personally, I’ve never struggled with drawing lines and making rules with multi-dating because I don’t have the expectation in place. When I grow closer to someone, they naturally start to become a priority and occupy my thoughts. I talk to them more and want to spend more time with them on my emotional timeline. I like monogamy, and if I’ve liked someone a lot, I’ve never struggled with dropping others. I only struggle when I after the point that ‘exclusivity’ is brought up and reciprocation is implied before I am ready . Edited January 30, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
mortensorchid Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 I think we're losing certain things nowadays that were not the case years ago: there is no longer this notion of commitment or building things. Instead it's just one after another after another. And think of all the OLDs you have had in the past. When did you ever hear from this person again? Think they ever think of you? Did you even know this person's last name? Do you even remember their first? If you bumped into this person on the street would you recognize one another? Chances are you wouldn't. It's just a neverending train of people. And not just with dating but think about after you ended a certain period in your life like graduating from schools, leaving jobs, leaving your involvement with an organization /group / project. I graduated from high school and I never heard a word from anyone ever again. I left a job last year, never heard a word from anyone I ever worked with again. Life is just a neverending train of people going in and out anymore. Sad but true.
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