Miss Spider Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 (edited) Wow I disagree it’s a sign of low self-esteem or an indictment on the downfall of modern society. Even if your end game is a monogamous LTR, it’s simply an efficiency thing and it’s been around forever. The chances you’re going to match with the first person you have one date and hug with are very small. Maybe the multi-dater isn’t comparing and contrasting, they just haven’t found anyone that impresses them that much yet. Edited January 25, 2020 by Cookiesandough 3
preraph Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 For me, it wasn't about morals. But if I was falling for a guy, which seemed to always happen, and then found out he was dating others, it was a big disappointment and I realized I was more invested than he was. So it's just disappointing. One that comes to mind was just leaving his wife and in the process of divorce, so of course he wasn't going to settle right into the first woman he dated. But he seemed so invested that it had me fooled. I just think he decided I probably wasn't the particular keeper he was looking for, and he was probably right. Different priorities, lifestyle. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 I've never met a woman who wouldn't completely lose her shyt if she found out a guy like myself or any other guy was actively seeing other women when they agreed to date her...I'm talking nuclear meltdown type of stuff.. I mean you don't walk up to someone and date them...Its usually a process where there is back and forth communication, maybe some flirting, etc...Once it reaches the point of an actual date, then they think they are the sole focus... I want to know where are all these women out there that sign off on this?? TFY
preraph Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 I just don't think a guy should act like he's all in love with you when he's still shopping. Now, to be fair, decades later, I still have a rapport with this guy, so there was something real there. But he wanted kids and some domesticity, and that was not me. Not that he ever went into depth talking about that, but he did, like a lot of guys his age. He ran through a lot of women but got married pretty soon to one, and then she was a nightmare, and then it was a handful of years and he found the one he's with now and had kids with.
Miss Spider Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 (edited) I don’t know. That actually is what sounds like low self esteem to me. If a person likes you they’re going to want to see you /talk to you /hang out with you over others...( probably too much for your liking xD)if they’re prioritizing others over you they just don’t like you that much. Why get shytty over the fact someone isn’t feeling you enough? It’s not like it’s gonna change their mind lol Edited January 25, 2020 by Cookiesandough
central Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 7 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said: I've never met a woman who wouldn't completely lose her shyt if she found out a guy like myself or any other guy was actively seeing other women when they agreed to date her. ... Once it reaches the point of an actual date, then they think they are the sole focus... I want to know where are all these women out there that sign off on this? I had a completely different experience. Unless we'd agreed to be exclusive, few - if any - of the women I dated cared if I was still seeking. Of course, it seldom took more than a few dates to decide if they were someone I'd consider worth pursuing exclusively. But reaching the point of an "actual" date? What does that even mean? Until we've decided to be exclusive or want to continue dating after we've had sex, there is no relationship. Many of the women I dated were also meeting other men. Meh. Whoever turned out to be the best match was the one that got chosen for potentially more - the rest are just auditions, really. As for finding these women? They're everywhere. Maybe there is some set of traits, but I can't pin it down. All I can say about my experience is that all the women I dated were well educated, successful in their careers, and as selective as I was. In fact, some of the women I chose not to continue dating became life-long friends. Most met other women I dated who were serious prospects. All that remained friends became friends with my wife, too. Two even entered into a polyamorous relationship with me, knowing about (and having met) my SO/future wife. Even my wife and I decided to continue dating others to be sure we were making the right choice, largely because we lived far apart and weren't certain we could overcome the distance. However, we found a way in time. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 2 minutes ago, central said: I had a completely different experience. Unless we'd agreed to be exclusive, few - if any - of the women I dated cared if I was still seeking. Of course, it seldom took more than a few dates to decide if they were someone I'd consider worth pursuing exclusively. But reaching the point of an "actual" date? What does that even mean? Until we've decided to be exclusive or want to continue dating after we've had sex, there is no relationship. Many of the women I dated were also meeting other men. Meh. Whoever turned out to be the best match was the one that got chosen for potentially more - the rest are just auditions, really. I guess I am so irresistible., that no woman wants to share and will get very territorial right out of the blocks.... I don't know how you could not understand it, but "getting to the point of an actual date" means exactly what it says...You have cleared the hurdle of basic compatibility, like the person enough to want to spend time with them, then plan a date to go out....its not that cryptic...In that case you don't need to "date around" as you rule out those people before you even decide to go out with them formally... "Many of the women I dated were also meeting other men." Most people I have been around (especially men) would not allow themselves to be shopped nor would they themselves shop anyone...Forgive me for saying this, but that type of thing reeks of Beta male qualities...That's not saying there is anything particularly wrong with it, it obviously worked for you and these women... But there are going to be men and women that would find that type of arrangement highly undesirable and would want no part of it...hence the differences of opinions... TFY
Miss Spider Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 (edited) My additional thoughts on multi- dating: I was only dating one guy up until the day before yesterday, but I decided we aren’t compatible/I just don’t like him that much. It took me many dates to come to this conclusion, btw. I had been talking to other guys besides him up until about a week ago. But I kind of just stopped responding to those guys to focus on him for awhile. Tonight I sent a ‘wyd’ (what are you doing )to the guys I had ignored and now i’m back in the game and my spirits have lifted. Man that guy was boring me. Edited January 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough
central Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 (edited) 10 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said: I guess I am so irresistible., that no woman wants to share and will get very territorial right out of the blocks.... I don't know how you could not understand it, but "getting to the point of an actual date" means exactly what it says...You have cleared the hurdle of basic compatibility, like the person enough to want to spend time with them, then plan a date to go out....its not that cryptic...In that case you don't need to "date around" as you rule out those people before you even decide to go out with them formally... "Many of the women I dated were also meeting other men." Most people I have been around (especially men) would not allow themselves to be shopped nor would they themselves shop anyone...Forgive me for saying this, but that type of thing reeks of Beta male qualities...That's not saying there is anything particularly wrong with it, it obviously worked for you and these women... But there are going to be men and women that would find that type of arrangement highly undesirable and would want no part of it...hence the differences of opinions... Ah, I see where your comprehension falls apart. You think everyone can be pre-screened to establish compatibility. To a degree, you are correct. I only met about 50 of the more than 800 women with whom I had multiple online conversations, so I heavily pre-screened for compatibility, too. However, 80% of those 50 didn't make the cut in person (half on the first "actual" "post-screening" date, and half within a few more dates). Only so much can be done before meeting (a "date") - the most important evaluation took place after meeting. That year was when I multi-dated, and it was very effective at finding truly compatible potentially permanent partners. And second, you seem to think this is a competition for scarce resources, where you have to hoard to win. I wasn't out to "win" a woman I found attractive. I was out to form a partnership based on mutual attraction, shared values, goals, and interest. She has to choose me as well as me choosing her. A short term disappointment may happen when she finds someone else more suitable, or I do. I didn't lose - I dodged a bullet for the long term. I was happy for them when they found someone who was a better match for them - that other guy wasn't better than me, just more compatible for her than I was. I wanted mutual intensity and deeper compatibility. It sounds to me like your "winning" is actually based on the fear of losing, rather than the joy of gaining real love. There are always more great women. 99% are wrong for me, but within the remaining 1% there are some ideal matches for me who feel the same about me. Yes, I'm not "alpha" - nor am I "beta." I'm what has been called an omega male (some call it zeta - the labels don't really matter). I'm the guy the great women want once they see through the shallow posturing of the alpha male. Edited January 26, 2020 by central 3
elaine567 Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 10 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: . Man that guy was boring me. Yes, may be, but you have replaced him with some ridiculously cringe worthy love bomber... 1
thefooloftheyear Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 (edited) 24 minutes ago, central said: Ah, I see where your comprehension falls apart. You think everyone can be pre-screened to establish compatibility. To a degree, you are correct. I only met about 50 of the more than 800 women with whom I had multiple online conversations, so I heavily pre-screened for compatibility, too. However, 80% of those 50 didn't make the cut in person (half on the first "actual" "post-screening" date, and half within a few more dates). Only so much can be done before meeting (a "date") - the most important evaluation took place after meeting. That year was when I multi-dated, and it was very effective at finding truly compatible potentially permanent partners. And second, you seem to think this is a competition for scarce resources, where you have to hoard to win. I wasn't out to "win" a woman I found attractive. I was out to form a partnership based on mutual attraction, shared values, goals, and interest. She has to choose me as well as me choosing her. A short term disappointment may happen when she finds someone else more suitable, or I do. I didn't lose - I dodged a bullet for the long term. I was happy for them when they found someone who was a better match for them - that other guy wasn't better than me, just more compatible for her than I was. I wanted mutual intensity and deeper compatibility. It sounds to me like your "winning" is actually based on the fear of losing, rather than the joy of gaining real love. There are always more great women. 99% are wrong for me, but within the remaining 1% there are some ideal matches for me who feel the same about me. Yes, I'm not "alpha" - nor am I "beta." I'm what has been called an omega male (some call it zeta - the labels don't really matter). I'm the guy the great women want once they see through the shallow posturing of the alpha male. I definitely couldn't find 800 women physically attractive enough to bother even talking to-forget about the rest of what's needed to date them......Probably couldn't find 50 in a circle that would be geographically reasonable....Perhaps that's the issue, I dunno... At the end of the day, if it worked out for you and it sounds like it did, then great... TFY Edited January 26, 2020 by thefooloftheyear 1
mortensorchid Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 It depends on the situation... If you are OLDing, I would fully expect the person (be they a man or a woman) to be multidating. OLDing is about a numbers game and it's there to connect you to as many people as possible in order to someday meet in some capacity, right? And 90% of the time, like we've all experienced, you go out to meet someone in a bar, restaurant, coffee shop, etc., have an evening, then you walk away and never hear a word from that person ever again. IN that case, no harm no foul. If you are juggling actual relationships, as in ones that go on for a long time (months, in some cases years), that's not good. I knew a gal who who always had two boyfriends in high school and college. She was / is a complete user, she wasn't friends with you unless there was something in it for her. We actually had a falling out over it and some other issues - and today neither of those two guys she was juggling are part of her life and neither am I.
Miss Spider Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 3 hours ago, elaine567 said: Yes, may be, but you have replaced him with some ridiculously cringe worthy love bomber... Too true. I spoke too soon. Jeez that was disappointing. Luckily, I’m multi-dating so I still have one other who seems cool. He moves here at the end of the month. We’ll see. 1
Miss Spider Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 25 minutes ago, mortensorchid said: Very true. I noticed a lot of the people against multi-dating also don’t use OLD. It’s kind of impossible not to do some definition of multi-dating if you’re OLD.
FMW Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 7 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I noticed a lot of the people against multi-dating also don’t use OLD. Good point. I don't OLD, but it makes sense that anyone that does would presumably be multi-dating. 1
scooby-philly Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 From my perspective, it seems part of the issue stems from the fact that people use the term in multiple ways, leading to confusion and a lack of standards. IMHO, if someone doesn't want to be in a ltr at a specific moment, but wants to play the field a bit and have some fun (maybe or maybe not including the physical) there's nothing wrong with that per se. As long as they communicate that to others. And quite frankly, that's what certain sites/apps - like Tinder, Grinder, etc. are great for and what most people assume. If feelings develop on one side, and it does happen, then they can ask to be exclusive, but they assumption going in should be otherwise. And if the other person balks at it, then that's fine, they've revealed the level of their interest and you have revealed that you're not currently compatible, regardless if the person wants to keep multi-dating or just doesn't like you enough to be exclusive or they just aren't prepared for things. If you're actively seeking a ltr and you're setting up a few dates at a time that's okay too and not really "multi-dating". I wouldn't think anyone with a job and interests could sustain maybe talking to more than 3-5 people at a time and doing more than 1-2 initial dates a week. Being single now, as I emerge from my heartbreak and get my s*** together again I will follow that strategy. But...if I go to like 3 or 4 dates with someone and we get physical, I will, at that point, continue to maybe talk to people I've already established a connection with, but would stop seeking new people. If I got to 10 dates or 2-3 months I would have stopped talking to everyone but that one person by then. If anything changes or one of us stops the budding romance, then I'm back to the formula. Again, everyone is different, but especially with OLD you need to meet in person and establish chemistry and connection so being in a position to have 2 upcoming dates, talking to 1 more person, and responding maybe to 1 more who message you, is just part of OLD dating. BUT...I do worry, as a first year millennial that doesn't identify with most millennial traits or experiences, (dad was ex military, mom an army brat) the hookup culture, OLD, and social media seems to be impacting folks under 30 from being affectionate, emotionally open, and connected and they can't establish anything deep and don't understand what a real relationship involves - dialogue, trust, communication, building a life and a future together. Not stereotyping a entire generation - cause it's not true of everyone of them and it's coming from a place of love and concern for their happiness.
OatsAndHall Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 I used to consider it a deal-breaker and wouldn't see women who were multi-dating. I had many heated discussions with people on LS over it. At the end of the day, I realized a couple of things; a) it was a hassle to ask for any level of exclusivity early on and b) I was really limiting myself by only seeing one woman at a time. So, I started "multi-seeing" women; I'd schedule a dates with a couple different women, keep sexual contact completely out of it and see where things went. I'm glad that I went that route as I wouldn't have met my current girlfriend if I had continued to see one woman at a time. I had been out on three dates with a woman that I was kind of lukewarm on when I met up with my current girlfriend and things have really clicked for us. 1 2
introverted1 Posted January 26, 2020 Posted January 26, 2020 Female, US, over 50. Not sure if I am old-fashioned or just super picky, but I don't multi-date. Hell, it's hard enough finding just one guy who I feel some sort of connection with (which requires more than good looks, and, in fact, looks are not the most important thing). Can't imagine I'd ever find 2 at the same time. Most guys I've dated have made it clear early on that they are not seeing anyone else. 1
littleblackheart Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, scooby-philly said: it seems part of the issue stems from the fact that people use the term in multiple ways True. Multi dating means different things to different people (I wouldn't consider meeting a stranger for coffee 'dating', for instance). Still, my real life experience with 'multidaters' is that they are emotional messes who can't cope with the 'pressure' of being single, or commitment-phobes - both are equally unattractive traits, tbh. Maybe that's bc it's not really a thing where I am. It is possible to get to know one person at a time on their own merit without getting over-invested or needing to check-list them against others or having several plan Bs to fall on just in case. The fact human connections are downgraded to a buyer's mentality transaction is not really appealing, though I assume logic dictates you are bound to find someone to be with with that system. Maybe that's what's attractive? I guess I really struggle to see the obvious advantages to multi-dating that do not involve some sort of ego issue on either side of the spectrum. Edited January 27, 2020 by littleblackheart 1
Woggle Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 Not what I would do but as long as everybody is honest. After some of the things I read I will say I am glad I am no longer dating. For all my faults I am a sincere and honest guy and it is not a sincere and honest dating world.
scooby-philly Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 35 minutes ago, littleblackheart said: True. Multi dating means different things to different people (I wouldn't consider meeting a stranger for coffee 'dating', for instance). Still, my real life experience with 'multidaters' is that they are emotional messes who can't cope with the 'pressure' of being single, or commitment-phobes - both are equally unattractive traits, tbh. Maybe that's bc it's not really a thing where I am. It is possible to get to know one person at a time on their own merit without getting over-invested or needing to check-list them against others or having several plan Bs to fall on just in case. @littleblackheart - I think you revealed my point! To me, multi-dating means not just "talking" with one person at a time, especially if you're doing OLD. If one budding "relationship" progresses to like a fifth date, you can lessen your focus on the other conversations and stop trying to start new ones. By the time you hit 3 months and maybe start bringing up "exclusivity" you should have stopped communicating with the others or at least stop seeing them if you feel that strongly about the one person and it seems mutual. Three points: 1. I think someone who literally "multi-dates" in the actual meaning (not spirit) of the word - actually dating for months with multiple people does have issues. 2. I think the idea of real "multi-dating" - not just talking to ONE single person at a time maybe a good approach for certain people. Works great for some people who know exactly what they want (maybe their older, maybe they've been through enough to know, maybe they just always knew) and a great way for people who may invest a little too much into one relationship (I mean a budding relationship) and don't take the time to slow down and really examine things. It can really help them (as I'm one of them) weigh the pros and cons and also see who actually reciprocates the same level of interest. Of course, you eventually have to sh#$ and get off the pot as some point, but it does help us. 3. In terms of the spirit of "multi-dating" I'd also say that there's a limit of people you can talk to at one time. I mean, I don't advocate for someone talking to like 30 people at a time, but as I mentioned in my previous reply on the thread, if someone has 2 coffee or drink dates coming up that are in the first 3-5 dates, they're talking to 2 or 3 more people tops - if they can handle it emotionally and time wise, that's fine. If they have 8 dates coming up in the next 3-4 weeks, are talking to like 10 other people at the same time, then yeah, that's a problem and demonstrates a problem they have underneath it all.
littleblackheart Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 @scooby-phillyall this makes perfect sense, thank you for explaining. Glad you found a system that is working out for you. I personally don't have any issue over-investing, and I don't consider being 'exclusive' as any sort of commitment, a prize, a hardship, a sacrifice or a crazy concept; it's just standard. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out and that's fine. Life moves on. So if a guy can't keep a clear head without speaking to several women at once for weeks on end, we are very severely incompatible, because I deeply value emotional stability and to me, any form of multi-dating beyond a coffee/drinks is a red flag. 2
OatsAndHall Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 @littleblackheart hit the nail on the head. There's a huge difference between meeting a few different people for coffee, drinks, bowling, dinner (etc) and being actively heavily romantically involved with multiple people. It's important to establish boundaries for yourself too; no sexual contact, set a limit on the number of times you'll go out with someone before you either "see" them solely or call it off, and just recognize when something has potential. Honestly, the first date with my girlfriend was kind of a dud and I had dinner plans with a woman the next night. I followed through with those dinner plans and that date wasn't any better. The woman I am exclusive with now messaged me and asked if I was available the day after (a Sunday) and we went out to lunch together. I really didn't have high hopes for the lunch date given how the first date went but we had a BLAST. We ended up back at her place, hanging out, listening to music and just chatting; t just clicked. I called it off with the other women I was seeing because I got the feeling I had something good going on.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 Nothing wrong with multi dating before becoming exclusive with one person. When I started dating more, I felt bad talking to more then one guy. Problem is some of the guys played games and I'd be hurt pursuing only one guy. When I started talking to multiple men, I had options. If one flaked, I had 5 others to go on a date with. Once I met my partner, I cut off talking to all the other men.
Ambereyes Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 Going on a date with multiple people is different than dating multiple people.
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