some_username1 Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 (edited) So what I’d like to know is how women handle multi-dating. The women on here make it sound like multi-dating is a piece of cake- 3 dates a week with different men etc, play them all off against each other and profit. Easy right? So I (a guy) recently tried multi-dating myself, well at least scheduling 5 first dates in quick succession over the first couple of weeks of January whilst trying to set up more.....and it was really really difficult to try and organise. Some of the women were getting caught up on my WhatsApp patterns- being online constantly would get comments of “who else are you talking to?!”, I recall making an innocuous comment to one girl while we were on our second date about how I recalled she was ill over Christmas and I could tell by the look she gave me that not only was she not ill over Christmas she had interpreted it as me getting her confused with someone else....there wasn’t a third date. Then there was the girl who demanded to know before our first date if I was speaking to anyone else. I told her I was and that I wouldn’t stop keeping my options open until we had a 3rd date. She thanked me for my honesty and then tried to get out of going on the date we had arranged. Another girl started getting funny about who else I was talking to.... Man! How do women make it sound so logistically easy? Do guys never make it difficult for you in terms of asking questions about who else you are seeing and demanding exclusivity before the first date? I was never a fan of it before and after trying it I’m not convinced. It’s a LOT of hassle, well, for a guy at least! Edited January 24, 2020 by some_username1 2 1
Interstellar Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, salparadise said: I was talking to a woman on Bumble, and it was going well, or so I thought. She was quite engaging and would sometimes initiate (which I like). The last time we talked I asked her about going out Friday. She was keen but asked if we could do it Saturday instead. So as the conversation proceeded the topic of multi-dating came up. She admitted that she was seeing 3 others, but said that none of them were "it," and that she wasn't sleeping with them. Pffft. Why would any self-respecting man sign up to be #4 ? What a waste of time and emotional energy. She's either lying about sleeping with them, or stringing them along for entertainment while she looks for one to bang. Neither has any appeal to me whatsoever. Icky. That’s really gonna make any men feel good wouldn’t it? She should’ve kept quiet, even if she’s sleeping with the entire Arizona Cardinals offensive line. Sounds like she has poor social skills. Edited January 24, 2020 by Interstellar 1 1
Miss Spider Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 (edited) 25 minutes ago, some_username1 said: So what I’d like to know is how women handle multi-dating. The women on here make it sound like multi-dating is a piece of cake- 3 dates a week with different men etc, play them all off against each other and profit. Easy right? So I (a guy) recently tried multi-dating myself, well at least scheduling 5 first dates in quick succession over the first couple of weeks of January whilst trying to set up more.....and it was really really difficult to try and organise. Some of the women were getting caught up on my WhatsApp patterns- being online constantly would get comments of “who else are you talking to?!”, I recall making an innocuous comment to one girl while we were on our second date about how I recalled she was ill over Christmas and I could tell by the look she gave me that not only was she not ill over Christmas she had interpreted it as me getting her confused with someone else....there wasn’t a third date. Then there was the girl who demanded to know before our first date if I was speaking to anyone else. I told her I was and that I wouldn’t stop keeping my options open until we had a 3rd date. She thanked me for my honesty and then tried to get out of going on the date we had arranged. Another girl started getting funny about who else I was talking to.... Man! How do women make it sound so logistically easy? Do guys never make it difficult for you in terms of asking questions about who else you are seeing and demanding exclusivity before the first date? I was never a fan of it before and after trying it I’m not convinced. It’s a LOT of hassle, well, for a guy at least! Did you actually confuse her with someone else or was she just confused because she forgot she said she was ill. Have to try to keep girls and their stories straight hahah. I think women are less likely to get prodded about this off the bat(though it happens). After 3-6 dates, it becomes a different story. That’s when men generally start trying to nail down exclusivity. It might also be easier for a woman because guys usually are the ones to suggest a date. That means the guy has to be vague like “What day works for you this weekend?” So if she has a date planned, she can say she is busy that day or simply choose a day that she doesn’t have one. If she says “Saturday evening” and he has a date planned Saturday evening, he’s screwed. It does get challenging after a few dates when they expect you to step it up and see them quite often. Then you get some overlap and chaos ensues. Oh and also, holidays. Namely New Years Eve and Valentine’s Day. You get outed on those days lol. Edited January 24, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
FMW Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 So for those against multi-dating, does it matter if you are kissing (or more) these people or if you just hug hello/goodbye? Is multi-dating never ok, even from the beginning date, as in having first dates with more than one person within short period of time? I've recently decided to give a possible relationship a shot so I've decided to not consider seeing anyone else while I see where it goes, although it's moving slowly because of our particular situations. That decision came after we had really kissed, not just quick pecks on the lips. I certainly don't want to be involved sexually with more than one person. Unfairly I guess, I assume that guys are more likely to want to date around, but it's nice to see from some of the posts from guys here that's not necessarily true.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 (edited) Thoughts on Multidating... Exhausting. Expensive. Disorienting. Exhilarating...not recommended. Edited January 24, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020 1
mark clemson Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 5 hours ago, ljwentworth32 said: yea i think you hit it on the nail. some guys are low status. they don't mind being 4/4. or 2/4 . whatever. That may be true in many cases. In others, the guy may be high status and have 3 or 4 dates in play himself. So in that situation he's just being fair. I'm not dating so perhaps in practice that rarely actually happens? It seems to me that it could though for a desirable and energetic enough man. Mrin apparently does this. Also, even if you're "low status" or have more trouble finding dates, if she's keeping her options open you can too. You can still date her, and **** her while you look for other dates and/or seek "the one". But I suppose if you're the type who really wants monogamy or where the thought she might have been with some other guy a couple days ago is a turn off (understandable) then I guess that doesn't work either. 1
mark clemson Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 4 hours ago, Legatus said: Her new flatmate dates 5-10 women at the same time. He doesn't mind when he needs to cut some of them off to free his time - he can always find more, especially if they get attached after a while. To me, such lifestyle would be exhausting. If those are just casual hook-ups, you don't really need to think or put much effort I guess. He plays the game just as well as his guitar. I prefer to have my mind in one place rather than many but who knows, maybe one day I will try.. Like this guy. He can't ask for exclusivity (not reasonably anyhow). But he's certainly not "low value"...
Ellener Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 3 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said: I really don't care much for buffet style restaurants either so that may be an indication.. But how do you sample a bit of everything otherwise?!
central Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 I multidated whenever I had the option to do so. If I hadn't I would not have met my ideal partner with whom I've been extremely happy for the past 20 years. I found multidating efficient, effective, and fun - and a little confusing at times keeping track of both the women I was seeing and prospects with whom I was communicating online. Good notes help! Most of the time, I would only have one or two dates with someone before deciding that they weren't a good match. If I'd had to start over each time I nixed someone, it would have taken years to find someone truly compatible. Overlapping contacts and dates let me accelerate the process. Once I found someone worth pursuing, I'd stop seeing or meeting new people (unless we both agreed to continue searching, just in case). 1
littleblackheart Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 45 yo European female, not into dating at all, much less multidating which I find more a sign of emotional insecurity (a major personal turn off) than a moral issue or a 'high value' thing. Lots of dating = lots of rejections = need for an emotional cushion to soften the blow = dating more than one person at a time to beat the odds / massage the ego. Perfect model for a dysfunctional society that encourages instant rewards egocentrism.
thefooloftheyear Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 3 hours ago, Ellener said: But how do you sample a bit of everything otherwise?! I'm not in this game, but considering that I am kind of picky, I could easily rule out 95% of most women walking down the street, so "sampling everything"..isn't a concern.... I clearly know what I want and don't need to just hang around with someone that would have next to no chance. I have a wide circle of friends and some cool hobbies, and value alone time dearly as well.. ..I get the fact that some women just like to go out and be entertained and some guys are just looking for places to park their dicks., so for them I guess it makes some sense... TFY
smackie9 Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 I would have dates lined up, but I wouldn't date 3 guys+ multiple times, all at the same time, nor would I sleep with anyone unless we were exclusive. I think most women don't give it up and be like the town pump like all the guys are imagining on this thread. When I was dating most didn't make it past the first date. Once I knew things were going great on that first date, they would be the one I focused on...and of course they would ask to see me the next night. That would seal the deal for me. 3 1
SumGuy Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 17 hours ago, ljwentworth32 said: What do you guys think about this? interested in guys perspective and girls perspective. I feel like if i found out the person i'm seeing is seeing several other people it'd turn me off to her. What do girls think about if the guy you're seeing is also seeing other people? morally ok? morally wrong? Guy here dating women. It completely depends where we are in our "relationship." It's all about expectations and I understand "seeing" to mean just meeting for "dates." For me after date 3, or certainly 4, I want to be the only person she is dating and certainly after sleeping together if it is going to continue. I'm not interested really in FWB, and looking for someone to give it a chance and see where it goes. I really think it is bad form these days to ask how many others someone is seeing on the first "date," as that is really is just a meeting to see if both of you want to date, and through dates determine if possible intimacy makes sense. Frankly, I hope the women I meet are meeting other men for first dates (not sleeping with them of course) as I don't fear the competition in the slightest and if she chooses me it will because she realizes I'm the best of the bunch to go on date 3 or 4 or more with. So in my book perfectly morally OK within the limits I describe. 2
Miss Spider Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 2 minutes ago, SumGuy said: Agree completely
SumGuy Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 10 hours ago, salparadise said: This is what gripes me about dating in general, and online dating in particular... women who treat men like a commodity, and have this entitlement mentality. ... Sure you don't have the genders reversed there Though both men and women do this in OLD I suspect of those who do men are the higher % in mindset and perhaps women are the higher % in succeeding. With men it is so much a thing they have a name for it "game" and oodles of sites and products dedicated to it, and even the negative side...as when it doesn't work there is the whole incel community. Granted don't know much about the incel philosophy, but all I have seen pretty much believes women are a commodity and I can only understand there righteous anger over not getting any in the context that they must feel entitled to women. 1
Shining One Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 For me, multi-dating is just a means to an end. It produces better results than dating one at a time, so that's why I do it. 1
elaine567 Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 6 hours ago, littleblackheart said: Lots of dating = lots of rejections = need for an emotional cushion to soften the blow = dating more than one person at a time to beat the odds / massage the ego. I don't think it is an effective strategy as rejection from the one person they really wanted, the one that stood out, the one had that had potential, is always going to hurt. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 3 hours ago, SumGuy said: G Frankly, I hope the women I meet are meeting other men for first dates (not sleeping with them of course) as I don't fear the competition in the slightest and if she chooses me it will because she realizes I'm the best of the bunch to go on date 3 or 4 or more with. So in my book perfectly morally OK within the limits I describe. I mean, how on earth would you ever know?? she's obviously not telling you...Or if she wasn't actually having intercourse, is a blow or hand job considered OK while you patiently wait your turn and hope to be picked?? And I guess here's the other thing... Most people I know cant really go on a date or outing until the weekend? How does she/you decide at that point? Seems like a lot of logistics...I dunno... TFY
MJJean Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 21 hours ago, ljwentworth32 said: What do you guys think about this? interested in guys perspective and girls perspective. I feel like if i found out the person i'm seeing is seeing several other people it'd turn me off to her. What do girls think about if the guy you're seeing is also seeing other people? morally ok? morally wrong? I'm female and have no problem with multi-dating as long as there is full disclosure. Nothing wrong with seeing multiple people as long as everyone is aware of the situation.
littleblackheart Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, elaine567 said: I don't think it is an effective strategy as rejection from the one person they really wanted, the one that stood out, the one had that had potential, is always going to hurt. That + after a while people end up being desensitised to rejection because they always have a back up plan. The very few multi-daters I know in real life are like professional daters. It's a downward spiral of emotional emptiness, and feeds a bottomless pit of neediness ('finding the one' / not being on your own). I find it off-putting as it reeks of desperation and shallowness. Edited January 25, 2020 by littleblackheart 2
Andy_K Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 11 hours ago, SumGuy said: With men it is so much a thing they have a name for it "game" and oodles of sites and products dedicated to it, and even the negative side...as when it doesn't work there is the whole incel community. Granted don't know much about the incel philosophy, but all I have seen pretty much believes women are a commodity and I can only understand there righteous anger over not getting any in the context that they must feel entitled to women. In many cases it's not so much objectification as... pragmatism. Trying to do what works. In most cases incel's aren't entitled sexists, they're just deeply lonely guys with no real clue how to be attractive to women or connect socially. It's easy to dismiss, but for guys facing constant failure despite their best efforts, a certain level of frustration is inevitable. To have nobody want you, ever, must be absolutely soul-crushing. That would have serious psychological effects on any human. A little empathy is necessary, I think. 2
littleblackheart Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 3 hours ago, Andy_K said: A little empathy is necessary, I think. Or even a complete overhaul of a deeply dysfunctional value system that pits arbitrarily chosen 'winners' and 'losers' against each other, and enforces feelings of alienation/insecurities as we look down on anyone that is different to make ourselves feel better. Incel and multi-dating are actually probably two sides of the same coin. There is objectively nothing 'wrong' with multi-dating as such, really, when no one gets hurt. The fact it has become a kind of 'norm' to find a partner, however, is not the sign of a healthy society (imo) because it encourages feelings of inadequacy / an over-inflated sense of self. 1
SumGuy Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 13 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said: I mean, how on earth would you ever know?? she's obviously not telling you...Or if she wasn't actually having intercourse, is a blow or hand job considered OK while you patiently wait your turn and hope to be picked?? And I guess here's the other thing... Most people I know cant really go on a date or outing until the weekend? How does she/you decide at that point? Seems like a lot of logistics...I dunno... TFY Not the way I see it, sure all that could be going on, and for all she knows I'm doing the same thing. Thinking of it that way there is no guarantees, she could easily lie that I'm the only one she is dating. So don't see it as an issue. Why go to the "hand job"? I include oral sex and that sounds pretty close, but think your implying that the only way to be sure she is not doing such things is if she says she is only seeing you. Tend to disagree. In the end I am not intimidated by dating women who have sexual experience of others (including everything from kissing on up) before having sex with me, its when they choose to have sex with me its only me while we are together. For several reasons, but mostly because I'm looking for a long term committed relationship. Patiently wait my turn to be picked? Again not the way I live or see it. I too "multi-date" or more precisely multi-meet usually 2-4. Of those usually only 1 progresses past a second date. So I am not waiting for any woman to pick me. I'm seeking, they are seeking, I'm not waiting. If I'm not it by date 3 or 4 at most, good luck in your search and move on. If anything, I'm that other guy they fool around with while some other guy waits. I swim in the pool of people who say, and I believe, they are looking for that match for an LTR so one must look and sample the connection a bit (kiss, hand job even I guess) before deciding. So if she did that with another guy before being committed to me it is not a betrayal as she owes me nothing, I'm just some guy she met...to me it's no different than all the sex she had in the 20+ years before meeting me. On how she decides, I guess its similar to how I decide. 1st date a meet, if click both intellectually/conversationally and feel that spark there is always a kiss at the end and second date. Oftentimes while we both may be able to have a great conversation and not feeling it, luckily the women I meet almost always express it so I don't have to (but I will) always polite and mature. Second date is to see if the first meet was a fluke, and third date is the same and to get to know them better (perhaps an interactive adventure). By date 4 we've already aligned on what we are looking for (i.e the exclusivity piece re relationships) and decide to go for it. I must live in a weird land, never had problems meeting for dates during the week. In fact, given my age Wednesday night is often the day as that is when the kids are with their dad. I usually propose a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday date, because if we hit it off then follow up with a date that coming weekend. I've never had anyone say no to a weekday date, maybe shift the day but weekday is always fine and in fact often desired for a first meet...why waste a weekend nigh for such things . Even then, if just the weekends, you go out Friday and Saturday, maybe get a day meet in there. It's really not too hard, if I had to do it the first weekend would be 2 meets, likely only 1 turns to second date if lucky, next weekend add in someone else. If going on a third date the weekend after may just focus on her, likely will but even if don't then arrange another new date before date 3. Then after date 3 (or maybe 4) with someone you decide if they are "it" or not. Time is not the issue, but ones heart in my case. If I am really feeling it for someone I'll dial it back and make no new dates. At most that will take a month (once you find that 2nd date person) even if you go out only on weekends. You are very right on logistics though. That is why in practicality myself, and I bet the women I meet as well, I only have 2 dates pending (3 max and not by intent) at any time, and most of the time don't make new dates if you have a second with another. In the summer when last available though would go out 4 times a week. 2 1
SumGuy Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 5 hours ago, Andy_K said: A little empathy is necessary, I think. I agree. I'm speaking more to the incel stuff that literally thinks women should be owned by men, that comes from some place of revenge for not getting dates. It's very scary stuff from what I have seen. Again, I am not familiar with the whole incel philosophy, just every time I see it pop up somewhere it looks very misogynistic and I don't use that word lightly. My empathy for someone ends where their abuse (or desire to abuse) of me or others begins. Wasn't trying to bash incels, just pointing out that there are men that have an entitlement attitude when it come to sex with women which is more I believe is more prevalent and dangerous than the entitlement attitude some women have.
central Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 2 hours ago, SumGuy said: Not the way I see it, .... This is almost exactly how I see things and how I've handled things when multi-dating. Very effective and reasonable.
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