Agreed to be involved in friend's delivery, how do I tell her I changed my mind?

[rayne2312]

Long story short I've had a friend since childhood and we were very close growing up but as of the last several years, our relationship is not the same. She's having a chld, this is another child by a man who is physically and mentally abusive, violent, doesn't work, steals from her, harasses everyone around her, can't get a job due to his criminal record, lives with family since he's homeless otherwise etc etc. She got a protection from abuse order from him a while back and kept her distance... yet got pregnant by him again and now they're 'back together.' I've already told her that I don't support this pregnancy or her decision to let this guy run her life, abuse her and everyone around her. All of the sudden she's annoyed when family and friends don't accept him or invite him to family functions-- as if he wasn't abusive and she didn't have to get court-ordered protection from him. Whenever she gets questioned about him or why she gives him an infinite pass for his conduct it's because "that's their father." I think the issue is much deeper than the fact that he's her children's father but that's another conversation.

Anyway, she has difficult births that often involve extended hospital stays after delivery. During the hospital stay they require someone to stay with her while she's with the baby. She asked me to stay at the hospital with her for a few days after. I said yes, and am now regretting it. She has let this guy not only run her life but also her friendships in a way. We aren't as close as we used to be, especially not after I told her how foolish she's being to involve herself with this guy again. I feel like being there for her during this situation indirectly enables her decisions and gives mixed signals regarding my unwillingness to be involved with her life as long as she's with him.

How do I say no to this after I've agreed to be there?

[JTSW]

Be honest with her.

Tell her you cannot be a part of this any longer because she is not thinking rationally.

Tell her that you do not agree with her decisions regarding this abusive guy so you have decided to take a step back for now.

Maybe her mother can be with her in the delivery.

[rayne2312]

6 hours ago, JTSW said:

Be honest with her.

Tell her you cannot be a part of this any longer because she is not thinking rationally.

Tell her that you do not agree with her decisions regarding this abusive guy so you have decided to take a step back for now.

Maybe her mother can be with her in the delivery.

She doesn't get along with her mother, so that's likely not an option that she'll consider. 

How do I just say no after agreeing? This is a critical time and she doesn't have many people/friends who can be there for her and that she's comfortable with. At the same time, everything in this situation and her discomfort/lack of social network is a direct result of her behavior/actions/inability to create healthy boundaries and keep that guy away. 
 

[rayne2312]

I would almost consider telling her to just have her aunt or father stay with her overnight but he died when she was younger and her aunt is very sick and has been for a long time so.. that may not be an option either. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

That is a very strange hospital policy.  I've never heard that before.  What's the reasoning?

[preraph]

She'll be in a hospital. She doesn't really have to have someone else there.  She sounds like a mess.  Just tell her.  

[schlumpy]

It's very disheartening to watch friends blindly jump off a cliff. You only have so much strength to hold onto them before you have to let go or go with them. I think you have to honor your promise to maintain your own integrity, but while with her in the hospital, let her know the friendship is changing. Start distancing yourself and disengaging from her troubles. Tell her she's welcome back but without him. If he was concerned about patching things up with her family then he would be trying to do just that. I get the impression he's not. 

Instead, her SO is isolating her from friends and family which is a common trait of an abusive relationship. I don't see how you can support that relationship and I agree you are enabling with helping her in the hospital but I think you have to do it for yourself then go into standby mode.

[JTSW]

If you don't want to be there then don't. 

She made these decisions so let her deal with it herself.