Justwannabhappy Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 Hi everyone, very very long story short my husband cheated on me 5 years ago with a coworker. The affair lasted for 6 moths. I found out he came clean, told me all the juicy details, the affair ended, I forgave him and we tried to move on. The only big problem is I NEVER forgot it and I mean never. It eats at me 5 years later just like it was yesterday. We had the honeymoon phase where we couldn’t get enough of each other and yes it was great. Actually everything was ok until last couple of years. He started telling me no to sex again and all those feelings flooded back. We have other issues outside of the bedroom and the affair that we argue about. He is not the kindest most affectionate person in the world and it’s hard for me to look past stuff as easily anymore. I don’t respect him like I used to. I guess I trust him or maybe I don’t care. I feel indifferent. I wish I had never taken him back, I really really do. We had an one year old at the time and I felt I needed to make it work for him. If you are reading this and just recently found out you had been cheated on, give it a lot of time before you take them back . You need time to yourself to get over the shock and realize you will be ok alone. Anyone else here that went thru this a long time ago but can’t shake it or maybe you did finally shake it? I just don’t think we have what it takes to get us past this or maybe I just don’t. So many ugly things were said, so much hurt that just haunts me. I think I should get out but I told him I forgave him.....is it my place to keep trying and just suffer silently?
BaileyB Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 (edited) Justwannabhappy, did you and your husband have any counselling after the affair? I appreciate your attempt to reconcile and your desire to keep your family together, particularly because you have a young child. But, nowhere does it say that because you decided to take him back all those years ago must you suffer in misery for the rest of your life... You have the ability to make a different decision, every single day of your life. If you are seriously unhappy in your marriage, divorce is definitely something to consider. But - I would suggest that you get some individual counselling before you make any life changing decisions to be sure that you do so with a clear head and and conscience. Edited January 23, 2020 by BaileyB 3
Author Justwannabhappy Posted January 23, 2020 Author Posted January 23, 2020 Thank you for responding BaileyB. We went to counseling during the affair when he was calling me needy and refusing sex. Even though I did not know about the affair at the time , I knew something major was wrong and I told him if he didn’t go I would leave. He sat and lied thru every session, never admitted to the affair and the counselor even told me to back off and give him his personal space. The entire experience left such a bad taste in my mouth that we did not attempt it again post affair. I did end up going alone about a year ago and it was not much help to me. I would probably attempt it again with a different counselor but it would be hard for me.
BaileyB Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 (edited) I’m sorry to hear that you had such a bad experience with counselling... It’s unfortunate that your husband was not able to be honest and authentic in counselling... but clearly, there was a reason for that at the time. I would encourage you to try another counsellor. Having seen a few counsellors when dealing with a difficult time in my life (related to staffing changes), I will say that it gave me an interesting perspective on counselling. I did take something from each person, but there were some that I found more helpful than others. Sometimes, it’s just finding that right person at the right time of your life... best wishes. Edited January 23, 2020 by BaileyB 2
Guildford Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 There is no statute of limitations that closes your option to file for divorce following disclosure of an affair. A clandestine affair is bad enough, but to continue to lie while he was attending marriage counseling because you knew something was up is beyond the pale. You have every right to file for divorce now or later. Also, I have a low opinion of marriage counselors. I have been to one and I thought he was useless. Is there anything on the internet where you can learn what prior clients thought of a particular marriage counselor? I am sorry to hear about your situation and I hope that you can come to a solution that is right for you and your child. 2
Author Justwannabhappy Posted January 23, 2020 Author Posted January 23, 2020 Thank you, Guilford. I did research this particular counselor and she had wonderful recommendations. I think if he had not made me out to be such a needy and clingy wife during all of it then I would not still be carrying this huge insecurity. Yes those were his exact words. I do not hate him for this , I just feel as though we are tainted and I am haunted. I am a forgiving person I feel and very understanding but I still feel so sad about it. It’s not fair to punish him each time he is not in the mood for sex if I initiate either. I loose my mind when that happens and all the hurt just floods back. I may try to find another counselor and see if he will agree to go. I’m just not sure
BaileyB Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 (edited) As for why he made you out to be needy and clingy, you realize the best defence is a good offence. He clearly had something to hide, so why not place the focus and blame on you... Of course you were needy, your husband was refusing sex, pushing you away, and you knew something was wrong with your marriage. That would drive any woman to try and discover the problem and seek reassurance from her husband. The fact that he didn’t want your attention/affection because he was otherwise engaged with another woman was on him - not you. You also can’t fault the counsellor - that person was not given the most important piece of information. Counselling was doomed to fail when your husband chose to be dishonest. There is nothing saying that you can’t get yourself some individual counselling AND eventually some marriage counselling. You clearly have some triggers and unresolved feelings to deal with. May I suggest, based on the little information you have shared, it appears to me that you’ve put in only part of the effort you need to expend if you want to successfully reconcile, and he has put little to no effort into the process. Unlikely that you will find happiness together without actually doing the work that is required to reconcile. Good luck. Edited January 23, 2020 by BaileyB
mark clemson Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 1 hour ago, Justwannabhappy said: I am a forgiving person I feel and very understanding but I still feel so sad about it. It’s not fair to punish him each time he is not in the mood for sex if I initiate either. I loose my mind when that happens and all the hurt just floods back. I tell this to men all the time and I'll tell it to you. YOU are 1/2 of the marriage. There's nothing wrong about asking, and if necessary insisting that your needs be met. This isn't fair to you, either. Not at all. If all he can provide for you is rejection or begrudging "duty sex" that leaves you worse off than without it and it's not going to change, well, perhaps it's time to start considering your options. You only have one life. 1
Author Justwannabhappy Posted January 23, 2020 Author Posted January 23, 2020 Thank you, Mark Quite honestly, if he would give me sex when I ask for it then I think it would help us heal but being told no very often is a complete self esteem kill and it brings my suspicions back to surface every time. You are right, I do only have one life and I think sometimes I would rather be alone than have to deal with rejection from someone who is supposed to want me as much as I want him or more! 1
Confused48 Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 When I was new here and thinking about reconciling, someone once told me, you can try and then later you can ALWAYS change your mind. You could not have known, five years ago, whether or not you would still be hurting so badly. Everyone is different. For some people it isn't that big a deal and as long as there isn't further cheating, the past is forgotten. For others, like you and I, it will never be forgotten. If you are like me your resentment will grow every day longer you spend with your cheater, no matter what your cheater does. That is a perfectly valid response to the situation that HE PUT YOU IN. Now that five years have passed and you realize this isn't going away and likely getting worse, you should leave him. Just because five years ago you thought you could do this for him, does not bind you to that decision. New facts, new decision. You didn't know then what you know now. You owe him nothing with respect to a statement of forgiveness five years ago. Leaving will not just be good for yourself but for your child as well. Its not good to grow up in a home where one parent doesn't respect the other and holds (justified) resentment towards the other. 2
RedOlive Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 You have given this a try. 5 years later still feels like it was “yesterday”. At this point, it’s fair to say that any possible improvement that could have happened already had. This is as good as it gets in the marriage. The question to ask yourself - is this acceptable to you? Do you want to spend another 5, 10, 20 years in this state? If the answer is no, I would question why waste another day. Life is short and you won’t get the last 5 years back either. 1
heartwhole2 Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 My DDay was going on 5 years ago now too. If my husband started acting in the cold, bizarre, selfish way he did during the affair, I would be totally thrown. It's definitely a red flag and I'm not one who will tell you to settle just to keep the peace. I required my husband to go to IC (though it took him months to actually set it up) and he's still going today. Each year he's grown more. I think it's pretty common after an affair for there to be a honeymoon phase, and that's certainly helpful for making it possible to stay together, but it's not enough to sustain rebuilding a marriage. That takes a serious commitment to bettering yourselves. Let's say your husband had spent the last few years in counseling, working on communication and being a good partner, etc. Then if an issue with his libido arose, he would be able to articulate that to you and reassure you that it has nothing to do with you and seek help for it on his own. He would feel empathy for you as a person whose sexual needs aren't being met. You had a young child five years ago and you made a reasonable choice to see if things would work out, but none of us is obligated to stay in a marriage with someone who is dishonest and selfish. It stinks when your IC isn't a good fit but I bet you could find someone who is. You are important; do what you can to take care of yourself. Hugs. 2
UCanCallMeCrazy Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 (edited) There is forgiving and there is forgetting. Of course we never forget, and if there are haunting memories of the past you could easily question yourself as to if you really forgave him. Sounds like you are doing most of the work in trying to keep the marriage together. Feel free to tell him to get off his lying, cheating a$$ and go to MC with you. He has already used his ‘get out of jail card’ and you deserve to have your needs met. I hope you are keeping an eye on him though for any signs of reoccurrence. Like the others have said - no statute of limitations on deciding to D. You gave it a noble effort, maybe It just didn’t work. Edited January 24, 2020 by UCanCallMeCrazy 1
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 On 1/22/2020 at 9:48 PM, Justwannabhappy said: The only big problem is I NEVER forgot it and I mean never. It eats at me 5 years later just like it was yesterday. You will never forget. NEVER. Plus, there are daily reminders in life and media. At some point you want to be in a place that it doesn't "eat" at you. I know from personal experience that it extremely hard to get to that point. I recommend individual counseling to see what is blocking your recovery. 2
Daisydooks Posted January 27, 2020 Posted January 27, 2020 On 1/22/2020 at 9:48 PM, Justwannabhappy said: Hi everyone, very very long story short my husband cheated on me 5 years ago with a coworker. The affair lasted for 6 moths. I found out he came clean, told me all the juicy details, the affair ended, I forgave him and we tried to move on. The only big problem is I NEVER forgot it and I mean never. It eats at me 5 years later just like it was yesterday. We had the honeymoon phase where we couldn’t get enough of each other and yes it was great. Actually everything was ok until last couple of years. He started telling me no to sex again and all those feelings flooded back. We have other issues outside of the bedroom and the affair that we argue about. He is not the kindest most affectionate person in the world and it’s hard for me to look past stuff as easily anymore. I don’t respect him like I used to. I guess I trust him or maybe I don’t care. I feel indifferent. I wish I had never taken him back, I really really do. We had an one year old at the time and I felt I needed to make it work for him. If you are reading this and just recently found out you had been cheated on, give it a lot of time before you take them back . You need time to yourself to get over the shock and realize you will be ok alone. Anyone else here that went thru this a long time ago but can’t shake it or maybe you did finally shake it? I just don’t think we have what it takes to get us past this or maybe I just don’t. So many ugly things were said, so much hurt that just haunts me. I think I should get out but I told him I forgave him.....is it my place to keep trying and just suffer silently? Reconciliation is a never ending road. At any time, you can say "I came, I saw, did, I tried, but I sincerely hate you for what you did and I cannot (and will not) get over it. Cue divorce papers. You arent stuck to what you agreed to 5 years ago when emotions ran wild. 3
Recommended Posts