missmolly Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 I've been dating T for 1 year. He's everything I could ever ask for, except for one thing. He doesn't say he loves me. I told him about 6 months into the relationship that I loved him, and he said he wasn't ready. Since he had only been divorced for about a year (a 2 year, military marriage) I thought I'd give him more time. I said it again 3 months ago and then again last week. No response. He said he'd tell me he loved me but didn't want me to be expecting us to get married anytime soon; but says we are in a "serious committed relationship". What's up with that? He says he likes me, likes being with me, and that he cares about me a lot. I know he's not afraid to say the "L" word because he always says it when he's on the phone with his family. He even said that he's thought about us building a life together but he didn't want to rush into anything. He wants to get married again someday, he says. Just not next week or next year. We have 2 vacations planned and the 2nd one is in a year in a half! Am I wasting my time on a man that likes my company, but doesn't love me or want anything more?
lost_in_chgo Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 Worst case he's using you to satisfy his needs. Better case: he's not ready. He' gun shy. Maybe he'll get there, maybe he won't. Pushing him will not help. You need to decide for you whether to stay longer or call an end to it. Don't assume that he never will get to that point because he hasn't already. Divorce can be a major stressor for people.
fusangite Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 He says he likes me, likes being with me, and that he cares about me a lot. I know he's not afraid to say the "L" word because he always says it when he's on the phone with his family.I think you have part of the key right there. To this man, love means a profound, deep commitment that he puts into practice all the time with his kids. It is a term he takes seriously and about which I am sure he has ambivalent feelings, having dealt with the incredible emotional agony of divorce and shared custody.He even said that he's thought about us building a life together but he didn't want to rush into anything. He wants to get married again someday, he says. Just not next week or next year.This is a pretty strong indication that he sees his feelings towards you as continuing to deepen, likely to the point that they will accord with the kind of profound commitment he appears to associate with "love."We have 2 vacations planned and the 2nd one is in a year in a half!So, short of using the big word, this man is giving you unequivocal signals that he is committed to a long-term relationship with you, far more concrete than simply using the L-word.Am I wasting my time on a man that likes my company, but doesn't love me or want anything more? No. A few points: 1. He is afraid of using the word "love" because he takes is very seriously and appears to associate it with a real family unit. That's not the same as not loving you. I have the feeling that the depth of his feelings and commitment for you probably exceeds that of most men who have used the L-word on you. 2. It sounds like his feelings and commitment for you have steadily deepened over time. Why would they not continue to do so? 3. It sounds to me like both of you have issues around the word "love;" get past the word and look at behaviour.
lilmoma1973 Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 Maybe the reason he won't tell you he loves you is because he don't feel that way about you right now.. Like lost said maybe you need to decide if you want to be in this relationship or not.. Are you willing to wait till he is ready to tell the L word or you ready to move on ? He might not ever tell you that maybe he is scared of getting hurt again..GOOD LUCK
kitkat826 Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 After being in a relationship with a military man myself, I have to ask: is he/was he active duty? Has he been deployed?
Author missmolly Posted October 5, 2005 Author Posted October 5, 2005 You all had VERY useful advice. Since I love him and want to be with him so much, I'll "look at his actions" more than listening to what he says to me. You are right! P.S. He wasn't in the military, his ex-wife was, and she started cheating after 5 months of marriage.
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