catherine1 Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 (edited) Hi, So, I have this friend of around 10 years. We met through work and became trusted and close friends over the years. We’ve travelled a lot together, and we could both consider one another as a good friend and a source of advice and support. Over the last 3 years though, I have felt us drifting apart. It seemed to coincide with her having anxiety and trouble at work, and with her long term boyfriend. She made it difficult to arrange meeting up, or her sister would also be invited when we would meet up, therefore our one on one time was limited. She did tell me that she still wants me as a friend but lately doesn’t feel like doing much. She has been put on anti depressants which seem to help. A few months later, and I’ve seen her twice since November. Our meet up seemed strained and she acted a bit distant and as if she didn’t know me as well. Despite this, we arranged a trip for her sisters birthday. On the trip, I felt like I engaged with her sister more. My friend at times seemed to look at me as if I were a stranger, and just didn’t seem her friendly self. She has also had a form of OCD, which I accepted, however on this trip she would storm ahead when sight seeing, without any consideration for her company. I found myself getting irritated by her, the slightest thing she would do I found annoying. I just don’t feel the same way towards my friend anymore, and I miss her. what do you think is happening here? I don’t want to give up on our friendship, and think that I should talk to her and explain that I’m still her friend and understand the personal issues she’s been having. I just feel there is something wrong and she is directing it at me. Thank you Edited January 22, 2020 by catherine1
Author catherine1 Posted January 22, 2020 Author Posted January 22, 2020 24 minutes ago, catherine1 said: Hi, So, I have this friend of around 10 years. We met through work and became trusted and close friends over the years. We’ve travelled a lot together, and we could both consider one another as a good friend and a source of advice and support. Over the last 3 years though, I have felt us drifting apart. It seemed to coincide with her having anxiety and trouble at work, and with her long term boyfriend. She made it difficult to arrange meeting up, or her sister would also be invited when we would meet up, therefore our one on one time was limited. She did tell me that she still wants me as a friend but lately doesn’t feel like doing much. She has been put on anti depressants which seem to help. A few months later, and I’ve seen her twice since November. Our meet up seemed strained and she acted a bit distant and as if she didn’t know me as well. Despite this, we arranged a trip for her sisters birthday. On the trip, I felt like I engaged with her sister more. My friend at times seemed to look at me as if I were a stranger, and just didn’t seem her friendly self. She has also had a form of OCD, which I accepted, however on this trip she would storm ahead when sight seeing, without any consideration for her company. I found myself getting irritated by her, the slightest thing she would do I found annoying. I just don’t feel the same way towards my friend anymore, and I miss her. what do you think is happening here? I don’t want to give up on our friendship, and think that I should talk to her and explain that I’m still her friend and understand the personal issues she’s been having. I just feel there is something wrong and she is directing it at me. Thank you I meant to add, that I feel she is creating a problem with our friendship in her head, when there is no problem (as far as I am concerned).
stillafool Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 Is this the same friend you complained about back in July? If so, it's clear she is no longer invested in your friendship. I think you should give up at this point unless she contacts you first for a get together.
Author catherine1 Posted January 22, 2020 Author Posted January 22, 2020 (edited) Yes, this is the same friend. I too feel that I have almost been too good of a friend to her. If I distance myself hopefully it would make her realise I’m not a door mat, to be picked up when she feels like. Thank you x Edited January 22, 2020 by catherine1
Cersei Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 Sorry but I think she is over this friendship. As we get older our lives change. I certainly have different interests than I did 10 years ago. With those new interests comes a whole new group of friends. You have not necessarily done anything wrong, her life is just different than it used to be. I am not a believer in best friends. Because when you limit yourself to one friend you can be very lonely when they move away or if you have a disagreement. Branch out and make some new friends(plural). 1
stillafool Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 (edited) 38 minutes ago, catherine1 said: Yes, this is the same friend. I too feel that I have almost been too good of a friend to her. If I distance myself hopefully it would make her realise I’m not a door mat, to be picked up when she feels like. Thank you x I really don't think distancing yourself from her is going to make a difference. She has given up your friendship and so should you. Edited January 22, 2020 by stillafool
Author catherine1 Posted January 22, 2020 Author Posted January 22, 2020 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: I really don't think distancing yourself from her is going to make a difference. She has given up your friendship and so should you. But why? I just find it bizarre, there was nothing I did and I sound a much nicer and better friend than the ones she would complain about yet still sees. Thank you for your comment, I just find it odd. Even though she obviously has moved on from the friend she once was.
stillafool Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 Perhaps she has more in common with the friends she complains about or is seeking their approval as you are seeking hers. You sound like a lovely friend and I'm sure there are women close to you who would treasure your friendship. This one is done.
2BGoodAgain Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 ..... so this is the thing about people... whether it be guys and girls... if she was moving on with her life, and it didn't include you... then she'd be indifferent. whether you're there or not, it just wouldn't bother her... it's not like you intrude upon her... but the fact that she gets bothered by you (I believe that was what you were alluding to? could be wrong)... would suggest something about what you're doing actively or passively is bothering her... not to say it's your fault or anything... a lot of times, our very existence can perturb someone else, and it has nothing to do with us... like the person above, it's better to stay away... unless she instigates contact. it isn't your problem, her problem...
Author catherine1 Posted January 22, 2020 Author Posted January 22, 2020 12 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said: ..... so this is the thing about people... whether it be guys and girls... if she was moving on with her life, and it didn't include you... then she'd be indifferent. whether you're there or not, it just wouldn't bother her... it's not like you intrude upon her... but the fact that she gets bothered by you (I believe that was what you were alluding to? could be wrong)... would suggest something about what you're doing actively or passively is bothering her... not to say it's your fault or anything... a lot of times, our very existence can perturb someone else, and it has nothing to do with us... like the person above, it's better to stay away... unless she instigates contact. it isn't your problem, her problem... Sorry, I meant I was getting irritated by her on the trip. After a while of her acting tense and strangely, her ways started to bug me.
schlumpy Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 Catherine, there many reasons why friendships fade. Long term friendships can fade because the history, upon reflection, contains one or more incidents that she no longer feels good about. You may be a reminder of what she wants to leave in the past. It's like thinking about something stupid you did as a kid and maybe feeling embarrassment over it. I suggest you keep the good memories and let her go before the forced meetings cause something to happen that will mar your feelings for what you still think of fondly.
preraph Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 I just don't think she cares to maintain the friendship anymore, and you should accept that and move on. I'm sure it's not about her manufacturing a problem. Sometimes you just get tired of someone. Sorry. 2
MsJayne Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 Regardless of what the actual issue is, I'd stop making any effort. If you said or did something that offended her so badly that she's being cool towards you then she should speak up, if not she should stop acting weird towards you. People sometimes turn a bit odd when they have severe depression, so perhaps this is what's really going on.
CAPITAL CROOK Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 I would speak with her sister about it and see what she has to say... The fact that you are not well in touch with her long term boyfriend, being her long term friend, is a bit strange for sure and it may speak to the fact that his feelings may be in between you two, which is honestly a pretty common thing with men... I mean, not all of us can get over our past experiences and most of the time, our past experiences are influencing our current ones.
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