Timshel Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 18 hours ago, Songbird4 said: K.K.: I forgot to answer your question- these woman are usually from his work. They always tend to be the newbies. He sinks his teeth in the opportunity. This is a big problem. He could lose his job, perhaps rightfully so. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 (edited) Elaine has it down...Its not that there is anything wrong with him, he just cant control it or deal with it properly... TFY Edited January 23, 2020 by thefooloftheyear
Confused48 Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 1 hour ago, thefooloftheyear said: Elaine has it down...Its not that there is anything wrong with him, he just cant control it or deal with it properly... TFY The fact that he just can't control it or deal with it properly is in fact the definition of: Something wrong with him. To deny that would be equivalent to saying, I drink every day till I pass out. I can't control myself with alcohol but there is nothing wrong with me. 2
preraph Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 That's right. When you can't control something to the point that you let it affect your well-being and everyone around you, that's a problem beyond the norm.
thefooloftheyear Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 32 minutes ago, Confused48 said: The fact that he just can't control it or deal with it properly is in fact the definition of: Something wrong with him. To deny that would be equivalent to saying, I drink every day till I pass out. I can't control myself with alcohol but there is nothing wrong with me. The funniest part of this is people....mostly women,....use the same logic as a reason why they are fat..."There is nothing wrong with me...accept me for who I am." Whatever.... I think you missed the point... What that guy feels is what most guys feel....some are just better at putting in its place...A famous guy once said "a man is only as loyal as his options"...Now we can argue that until the cows come home...But at the end of the day,. this guys issue is only that he's not going to be able to keep a woman around in the context of a LTR if he's gonna be like this...So the OP should know what she needs to do at this point...He likely wont change for her.... TFY 1
Author Songbird4 Posted January 23, 2020 Author Posted January 23, 2020 7 hours ago, elaine567 said: Truth is there is nothing essentially wrong with him. Plenty guys chase and chase women for life, they are the players, the guys with the little black books, the guys with a sweetheart in every port, the guys who travel for work and pick up girls in the hotel bar every night they are away... the guys who pay for sex..., the old guys still chatting up the nurses in the nursing home... All of that is about spreading the seed far and wide. and some guys are pretty motivated to do just that. Society has imposed "rules" which many are more than happy to follow, but not this guy, He is not wired like that. He is not that abnormal, but what is "abnormal" is that he has ended up with a wife and 4 kids.... He is now apparently getting his kicks chasing women online, If he hasn't already taken it real (which I doubt as these are local women) then I think it is only a matter of time. Personally I don't think you can really change him. Like all attempts to change people, it will result in him eventually reverting to type and the whole sorry saga will replay again and again. You need to put up and shut up, or you walk. I don’t believe it’s considered abnormal to be married with 4 kids just as it shouldn’t be considered abnormal to choose a life single and no kids. What becomes “abnormal” is when behavior starts spilling into your life in a negative destructive way such as interfering with work and relationships, for example. To say that this is what men do doesn’t fly with me. I’d like to give more credit to men than say that ALL are mindless, sexual drones who are eager to “spread their seed far and wide” as if they are non-evolved Neanderthals. I believe men and women both have desires but a healthier psyche finds deep lasting connections with people. Even if it’s a poly-relationship... if all parties agree, then great. If it’s monogamous then that’s great too. Whatever. I don’t think my husband is abnormal... he’s human. He’s human with an issue that needs to be looked into because, his words- “I feel shame and hate myself after. I want to change”. That sounds like someone battling something. and perhaps you’re right, maybe I do need to “put up and shut up or leave” but then again, we have a family together. My issue is more complex than shut up or leave. My post on this site is to get insight. Even if I don’t agree with your post I do appreciate it. Thank you for taking the time to give your opinion.
Confused48 Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 16 minutes ago, Songbird4 said: I don’t believe it’s considered abnormal to be married with 4 kids just as it shouldn’t be considered abnormal to choose a life single and no kids. What becomes “abnormal” is when behavior starts spilling into your life in a negative destructive way such as interfering with work and relationships, for example. To say that this is what men do doesn’t fly with me. I’d like to give more credit to men than say that ALL are mindless, sexual drones who are eager to “spread their seed far and wide” as if they are non-evolved Neanderthals. I believe men and women both have desires but a healthier psyche finds deep lasting connections with people. Even if it’s a poly-relationship... if all parties agree, then great. If it’s monogamous then that’s great too. Whatever. I agree and thank you for defending men in general. Elaine fails to mention that women too are "wired" for promiscuity and some are very much inclined to act on that. Women vocalizing during sex was originally to make sure that other males in the area would know she was in the mood. Sperm competition then lead to the highest chance of procreation. Today, not all women that have loud orgasms want multiple partners that same day. Some do and they resist the urge. Others go for it. If you act on natural urges that then results in the destruction of your familial and social relationships, then you are indeed a sick puppy and need to get some help. Change your ways either by getting rid of the social agreements you have made, and then destroyed, or stop your destructive behavior.
elaine567 Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 (edited) @Songbird4 I did not say it was abnormal for a man to get married and have kids, as I said many men and women are more than happy to accept monogamy, but that is not the case with YOUR man, NOR did I say ALL men are "non evolved Neanderthals" that is your judgement, but some men like the types I gave examples of are driven primarily by sex. Your man is one of those and I believe that it will be nigh impossible for him to "change" into the loyal husband and father you would like him to be. Most men who know their own psyche and know they need women, women and more women, don't get married or don't stay married, either by circumstance or by design, that is why I said he is "abnormal" in that context. Yes, he is battling something, I have no doubt of that. BUT was he battling it before he got found out again? Is he shamed and is hating himself because he wants to truly do something about it, or is he shamed and hating himself just because he got caught. Edited January 23, 2020 by elaine567
elaine567 Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 9 minutes ago, Confused48 said: Elaine fails to mention that women too are "wired" for promiscuity and some are very much inclined to act on that. Ok, but female promiscuity is not the subject of the thread... 1
weareacouple Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 8 minutes ago, Confused48 said: I agree and thank you for defending men in general. Elaine fails to mention that women too are "wired" for promiscuity and some are very much inclined to act on that. Women vocalizing during sex was originally to make sure that other males in the area would know she was in the mood. Sperm competition then lead to the highest chance of procreation. Today, not all women that have loud orgasms want multiple partners that same day. Some do and they resist the urge. Others go for it. If you act on natural urges that then results in the destruction of your familial and social relationships, then you are indeed a sick puppy and need to get some help. Change your ways either by getting rid of the social agreements you have made, and then destroyed, or stop your destructive behavior. I agree that I sex addict can help themselves and live a life with just one sexual person however that person has to be ready, willing and able to supply the others sexual demands. Being married to another sex addict has saved our married because I am sure one of us (or both) would have cheated by now.
Confused48 Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, weareacouple said: I agree that I sex addict can help themselves and live a life with just one sexual person however that person has to be ready, willing and able to supply the others sexual demands. Being married to another sex addict has saved our married because I am sure one of us (or both) would have cheated by now. I think there is a definition problem here. As I understand it, a sex addict is someone that needs multiple partners and acts on that urge. What you are describing are people with a high sex drive. Matching a high sex drive person (HD) with a low sex drive person (LD) is a recipe for disaster and cheating, yes. But the cheating HD person, in that HD/LD scenario, may be faithful to his/her affair partner if, that person is HD. HD with HD and LD with LD works well of course. HD with a sex addict still results in cheating. Edited January 23, 2020 by Confused48
Author Songbird4 Posted January 23, 2020 Author Posted January 23, 2020 12 minutes ago, weareacouple said: I agree that I sex addict can help themselves and live a life with just one sexual person however that person has to be ready, willing and able to supply the others sexual demands. Being married to another sex addict has saved our married because I am sure one of us (or both) would have cheated by now. His sex drive matches mine. I’ve never denied him sex nor any sexual exploration, within reason. We both would consider our sex life amazing. This doesn’t seem to be an issue of not getting sex fulfilled, this seems to be strictly an attention ego thing from what he’s explained to me, based on the text exchanges I’ve seen and based on our sex life.
weareacouple Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 4 minutes ago, Confused48 said: I think there is a definition problem here. As I understand it, a sex addict is someone that needs multiple partners and acts on that urge. What you are describing are people with a high sex drive. Matching a high sex drive person (HD) with a low sex drive person (LD) is a recipe for disaster and cheating, yes. But the cheating HD person in that scenario may be faithful to his HD affair partner. HD with HD and LD with LD works well of course. HD with a sex addict still results in cheating. In our case the desire is for sexual climaxes as many times as possible. The only reason I would want to be with another person (man or woman) would be to use them to get me off.
Author Songbird4 Posted January 23, 2020 Author Posted January 23, 2020 5 minutes ago, Confused48 said: I think there is a definition problem here. As I understand it, a sex addict is someone that needs multiple partners and acts on that urge. What you are describing are people with a high sex drive. Matching a high sex drive person (HD) with a low sex drive person (LD) is a recipe for disaster and cheating, yes. But the cheating HD person in that scenario may be faithful to his HD affair partner. HD with HD and LD with LD works well of course. HD with a sex addict still results in cheating. What I’ve learned is a sex addiction doesn’t necessarily mean they need multiple partners to act out on. It could be an addiction to watching porn, flashing people in public, Having multiple partners a day/week etc, seeking attention and explicit talk/text.... it’s a huge spectrum that I’ve recently learned. I agree- HD with a sex addict still has the same result of cheating. I have a high sex drive and our sex life is considered pretty amazing yet it wasn’t enough and that’s not because his sex drive is through the roof, it’s because he’s getting the attention/ego stroke I presume.
weareacouple Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 3 minutes ago, Songbird4 said: His sex drive matches mine. I’ve never denied him sex nor any sexual exploration, within reason. We both would consider our sex life amazing. This doesn’t seem to be an issue of not getting sex fulfilled, this seems to be strictly an attention ego thing from what he’s explained to me, based on the text exchanges I’ve seen and based on our sex life. yes you are right, In your case he has a desire to "have" a person and for a guy using his hard cock to do that is the height of "having" someone. Hid ego is the problem not sex, even harder to overcome
Author Songbird4 Posted January 23, 2020 Author Posted January 23, 2020 (edited) 48 minutes ago, elaine567 said: @Songbird4 I did not say it was abnormal for a man to get married and have kids, as I said many men and women are more than happy to accept monogamy, but that is not the case with YOUR man, NOR did I say ALL men are "non evolved Neanderthals" that is your judgement, but some men like the types I gave examples of are driven primarily by sex. Your man is one of those and I believe that it will be nigh impossible for him to "change" into the loyal husband and father you would like him to be. Most men who know their own psyche and know they need women, women and more women, don't get married or don't stay married, either by circumstance or by design, that is why I said he is "abnormal" in that context. Yes, he is battling something, I have no doubt of that. BUT was he battling it before he got found out again? Is he shamed and is hating himself because he wants to truly do something about it, or is he shamed and hating himself just because he got caught. “He is not that abnormal, but what is "abnormal" is that he has ended up with a wife and 4 kids” This is what you wrote. Whether you meant it differently or not, this is how it came across therefore my response was to that. I also didn’t say that you said non-evolved Neanderthals... but my response to your statement about plenty of men being the players, little black book holders, flirts etc To understand sexual addiction you would know that it’s not necessarily driven by sex. It’s driven by something deeper. Something from childhood, an inadequacy, a trauma, abandonment issues etc. This isn’t because he needs sex 24hrs. He hasn’t had sex with these women. I’ve read the text exchanges and confronted them as well. The text exchange talked about IF they met up and WHAT they would do, always and never about the act happening. According to him the high is from the chase and admiration. His self esteem is low and I can see that now. Edited January 23, 2020 by Songbird4
Author Songbird4 Posted January 23, 2020 Author Posted January 23, 2020 8 minutes ago, weareacouple said: yes you are right, In your case he has a desire to "have" a person and for a guy using his hard cock to do that is the height of "having" someone. Hid ego is the problem not sex, even harder to overcome Yes, I agree, it’s definitely the ego. Sex has never been an issue.
elaine567 Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, elaine567 said: Plenty guys chase and chase women for life, they are the players, the guys with the little black books, the guys with a sweetheart in every port, the guys who travel for work and pick up girls in the hotel bar every night they are away... the guys who pay for sex..., the old guys still chatting up the nurses in the nursing home... All of that is about spreading the seed far and wide. and some guys are pretty motivated to do just that. Society has imposed "rules" which many are more than happy to follow, but not this guy, NO generalisation, I identified a sub group, that I believe your husband is a member of... I admire your loyalty and your defence of this guy, and I hope your faith in him is justified... Time will tell... Edited January 23, 2020 by elaine567
weareacouple Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 4 minutes ago, Songbird4 said: Yes, I agree, it’s definitely the ego. Sex has never been an issue. yes, I hate to say it but you are probably fighting a hard fight. (not impossible though). I have a friend who is a repeat cheater and he says it is all about the need for him to know he can still attract a woman. I have never had the desire to be with another person without my wife being there. When my addiction "kicks" in my desire is to get off as many times as possible and I can do that myself if my wife is not around. The man's ego is very strong...when I was 18 I was invited on a trip by a priest and I thought we were going for a auto racing weekend and it turned out to be with a group of 10-12 of his friends. I am not attracted to men but being the center of their sexual attraction was very intoxicating
Author Songbird4 Posted January 23, 2020 Author Posted January 23, 2020 2 minutes ago, elaine567 said: NO generalisation, I identified a sub group, that I believe your husband is a member of... I admire your loyalty and your defence of this guy, and I hope your faith in him is justified... Time will tell... I edited my response about stating that you generalized. I misread. Being loyal is important to me. Doesn’t mean I’ll stay but he’s the father of my kids and I want health and happiness for him. Our kids deserve that. His addiction doesn’t excuse him. It’s an unfortunate reality and a very misunderstood addiction. Reading everyone’s responses have been helpful to critically think about it all. Time will tell indeed. 1
mark clemson Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 38 minutes ago, Songbird4 said: What I’ve learned is a sex addiction doesn’t necessarily mean they need multiple partners to act out on. It could be an addiction to ... seeking attention... Interesting. Attention != sex, but I can see the parallels and the attention seeking does have sexual "undertones". 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: Is he shamed and is hating himself because he wants to truly do something about it, or is he shamed and hating himself just because he got caught. FWIW, my guess would be that he's shamed and hating himself because he knows his actions are on the verge of destroying his family and it sounds like he has difficulty stopping himself. 1
2BGoodAgain Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 Just now, mark clemson said: Interesting. Attention != sex, but I can see the parallels and the attention seeking does have sexual "undertones". FWIW, my guess would be that he's shamed and hating himself because he knows his actions are on the verge of destroying his family and it sounds like he has difficulty stopping himself. sex addiction is usually the result of, and not the cause of, in most cases. some people USE sex to avoid true intimacy, or b/c they feel they aren't worthy of attention/love, or use it to get attention, etc. or addicted to the chemical highs that come with sex...emotionally, mentally... physical addiction to sex is, from what i hear, more rare.... 1
Pastypop Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 He said he enjoys the chase. Honestly, it’s time for you to bail. He said it all right there. He wants affirmation, attention and ego rubbing all the time. He will always be this way no matter what. Get out now and find someone who will love you and appreciate you for who you are. He is a terrible person and will never change. 1
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