Married to a sex addict

[Songbird4]

Years ago I posted about my husbands emotional affair. It destroyed me. Welp, he’s done it again. He broke down crying, said he wanted to die and told me he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. His therapist recently diagnosed him as a sex addict. If you think is bullsh*t well so did I until I researched it extensively and read a book on it. I also discussed it with my therapist who also educated me on it.  According to my husband he claims he’s never had sex with these women. What I’ve found every time I’ve caught him are explicit text exchanges talking about IF they meet up what they would do. 

My husband explained that he gets a high with the chase. His ego gets fed and he gets his need for attention fulfilled.... at my expense. He begged me to go to couples therapy. Initially I said no but have now agreed to go. He’s seeing his personal therapist more and also going to SAA meetings (Sex Addict Anonymous). He’s begged me to not give up on him.

I feel broken. I feel worthless and confused. Although I know that this isn’t about me I still can’t help to feel like his actions are because of something I’m lacking. I feel unattractive. I’ve been told I’m attractive and fun etc but I don’t believe ANYTHING anyone says. I have zero trust. It’s a torturous feeling to question everything someone says or does for you... I don’t believe anything is genuine. After my husband deceit I don’t know if I’ll ever fully trust anyone. 
 

I’d appreciate your input... would you stay and not give up on your spouse or is this too much for a marriage to survive. Anyone else go through this?  
 

Thanks

 

[schlumpy]

I would not go to couples counseling until he could demonstrate progress through his own individual therapy. As long the SO is cheating or wants to cheat, MC will be a waste of time. You need to crank up the pressure on him and see where he really is.

If you don't, then be prepared to live with his "illness" the rest of your married life.

[Confused48]

Whether you are actually, objectively, attractive or not is not the issue. He promised to be faithful. If he finds you unattractive, even subjectively, then it is on him to leave you before engaging in his selfish attention seeking behavior. 

I imagine he is a bottomless pit of neediness for attention. No amount of therapy will cure this. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

28 minutes ago, Confused48 said:

I imagine he is a bottomless pit of neediness for attention. 

I agree, so therefore, this has NOTHING to do with you.  

[2BGoodAgain]

so... let me explain something to you.. b/c i'm him.. except perhaps not as far along down that road.

i know mentally, you know it's not about you... it's about him.

he gets a chemical HIGH from the feelings he gets from such women...  b/c of his low self esteem, perhaps. it's like an addiction and it destroys lives... the person involved and the loved ones around him/her. Even when they become self aware of their issues, and they really don't want to destroy lives and hurt people... it's like the strongest pull you can ever imagine. Having said that, it IS still a choice... 

when you get to a place, where you get so low... so down... it's literally... change and MEBBE preserve any happiness for yourself, and your connection to your loved ones... or keep going and keep doing these things that will destroy you.

He may be genuinely there and sincerely wants to change.

BUT your heart has taken a beating... your ego, your pride, your self worth... everything b/c you ask... am i NOT enough?  This is the thing... it's an UNNATURAL high that he seeks.. and he may know this, but everything in him is CRAVING that unnatural, unrealistic high. When you get off that high.... it feels like everything else, is BLAH.... it doesn't feel as good or real as the high he's addicted to. Porn addiction is kinda like that too. Real sex just doesn't seem as good, and so you don't get as turned on by REAL sex... it just kinda pales in comparison, and you just don't get turned on as much... but most people know, porn is just FANTASY.

That's what your husband is combating right now... FANTASY vs REALITY. 

so of course you can't compete with fantasy, bc it's unrealistic.... it's not REAL.... he gets off having women fill a unrealistic void within him with these texts/etc.

For me, i loved the texts/calls/attention... but i honestly didn't want to meet up with any of them... even my 12yr A... i enjoyed the fantasy of someone who opined after me, who wanted me beyond reason, beyond her marriage, beyond anything... but that's where the fantasy stops... but like any addiction, the last high isn't enough.. you want more and more intensity, and some day, he'll go past the texting and meet up, perhaps....

okay, so yes, it isn't you. even if you could meet his fantasy, you still wouldn't be enough...

but this is the thing too... you also have to realize if he is worth it... and if he's changing enough so that you feel safe in the relationship. You two can NOT go back to the relationship you had before. It's gone. He destroyed it. You two have to rebuild a new relationship, and i say this with a heavy heart, but you have to figure out if its worth it...

IF he makes meaningful change, IF he recovers and has a handle on this... you also have to realize a few things.

1) he'll always have this issue within him... counseling and personal choices and personal growth....will help him see it before it gets out of control, keep proper boundaries, and hopefully, he gets a better "handle" over his issue, and he makes better choices... which means, he'll need to be transparent with you and honest with you... 

2) depending on his issues, there may be things with you that he may not be able to bring up.... things he wishes were diff in the relationship that he's too afraid to bring up, for fear of losing you... esp now, since he got caught and he's afraid of losing you... it's normal to not be honest about some of the stuff in the relationship b/c he may not feel he deserves anything.. that he's just lucky to have you give him another chance... but honestly? There are prob things he wants to be different between you two... and depending on what it is... (b/c again, it may be VERY unrealistic and has nothing to do with you, it's him.... or it may just not be who you are).. perhaps you two can be more honest with each other about ways to improve the relationship, etc.

3) again, it may not be worth it. this is a personal decision for you. The thing about giving someone a 2nd or 3rd chance... is this... it's a painful and long haul. It's gonna take lots of courage and pain and will power and strength from you. Are you sure you want to? Is he worth it? Does he seem, not just genuinely want change, but making progress?

Kudos to you for giving him another, another chance... but don't feel like you're commited to stick with it. He broke his vows, just b/c you agreed to give him a chance, doesn't mean you have to stick with it either. This journey is as much YOURS as it is his... to figure out if you want to continue.

Protect yourself, protect your worth, know your worth... life doesn't start or end with one person. 

[K.K.]

Songbird, I’m sorry you’re feeling so badly about this. Are these real life women from your world or just some randoms online? It makes a difference. 

Sometimes our perception is what causes the pain. Not the actual ‘offense’. 

9 hours ago, Songbird4 said:

He’s seeing his personal therapist more and also going to SAA meetings (Sex Addict Anonymous). 

 

 

Ok uh ...  sex addicts going to meetings for sex addicts with other sex addicts. That doesn’t sound quite right to me lol. All of them gathered in the little room, all sweaty and hot. Everybody there knowing everybody else there is sooo DTF. I can picture the talk on the smoke breaks now.

Maaaan, It’d be like shooting fish in a barrel. 

 

[Songbird4]

K.K: It’s not both sex. It’s a men’s only SAA. Unless my husbands secretly gay, I don’t think the meeting is an issue. At this point though I wouldn’t be surprised by anything. Thank you for your comment. 

[K.K.]

2 minutes ago, Songbird4 said:

K.K: It’s not both sex. It’s a men’s only SAA.

Thank you for your comment. 

Ohhh ok. Good to see somebody was thinking ahead. I was concerned lol.

You’re welcome. I tried. I hope with the therapy and everything that you both can work it out. 

 

[Songbird4]

2BGoodAgain: Thank you for your comment. I appreciate you giving my a different perspective of this illness. 
We had an amazing sex life and I was constantly willing to fulfill his fantasies, I realize now it was a pathetic attempt to keep him from cheating- I even went as far as being willing to have a threesome. Obviously that didn’t work and I’m grateful it didn’t end up happening. I do realize there’s nothing I could do to fix this. No matter how eager I am to please him, how much personal maintenance I do to look good for him and no matter how much of a sleuth I am- it won’t make him change. 
I don’t know if I can handle anymore pain. We have 4 children together and coparent very well. That’s definitely a reason I have difficulty deciding if I should stay or go. 
I realize one of the major things we missed in our marriage was true intimacy. I’ve never had it. I’m transparent in relationships. I’ve always been faithful and loyal. But I’ve never had that in return. I don’t even know if I would be able to accept it from someone new. Anyway, thanks for your comment.  

[Songbird4]

K.K: thank you. I really appreciate your kind words. 

[Songbird4]

K.K.: I forgot to answer your question- these woman are usually from his work. They always tend to be the newbies. He sinks his teeth in the opportunity. This last time though he actually told his supervisor and that he wanted to work in a separate area from the girl. I found a card from his supervisor which backed up what he told me. The card basically said take as much time as you need, you’re a valued employee and you’ll get through this. 

[K.K.]

15 minutes ago, Songbird4 said:

K.K.: I forgot to answer your question- these woman are usually from his work. They always tend to be the newbies. He sinks his teeth in the opportunity. This last time though he actually told his supervisor and that he wanted to work in a separate area from the girl. I found a card from his supervisor which backed up what he told me. The card basically said take as much time as you need, you’re a valued employee and you’ll get through this. 

Oh. So they’re really real.  

I’m so sorry. I hope he can get help for this and stop because it isn’t fair to you at all, especially when you’re doing and have done everything to be what he wants. Or what one would think that he wants. 

I guess it really is some kind of addiction. And a hurtful one. 

It isn’t a reflection on you. It is his problem. Hang on to that because it’s the truth and take it one day at a time and hope for improvement. 

If there is none, save yourself and your children. 

[Songbird4]

K.K.: thank you. I appreciate it.

[Songbird4]

4 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

I agree, so therefore, this has NOTHING to do with you.  

Thank you for your comment. 

[Songbird4]

4 hours ago, Confused48 said:

Whether you are actually, objectively, attractive or not is not the issue. He promised to be faithful. If he finds you unattractive, even subjectively, then it is on him to leave you before engaging in his selfish attention seeking behavior. 

I imagine he is a bottomless pit of neediness for attention. No amount of therapy will cure this. 

He is needy for attention. I gave that to him. I believe in  “love languages” so I tried to fulfill his. The need to have it from others is saddening. As far as therapy... I’m a firm believer if we want to change it can happen. I believe in therapy. The question is does he want to change/cure this. He seems like it but who knows. Thanks for your comment. 

[Songbird4]

8 hours ago, schlumpy said:

I would not go to couples counseling until he could demonstrate progress through his own individual therapy. As long the SO is cheating or wants to cheat, MC will be a waste of time. You need to crank up the pressure on him and see where he really is.

If you don't, then be prepared to live with his "illness" the rest of your married life.

I agree about putting pressure on him to see where he’s at. I’m starting to do that. As far as marriage counseling... I think I’m hoping to see if what he learns in his personal therapy will make him more aware and present in what our issues are in marriage. The MC is very good so if anything I hope he can help me navigate my feelings of what I truly want/ or don’t want in this marriage. Thank you for your comment.  

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

10 minutes ago, Songbird4 said:

He is needy for attention. I gave that to him. I believe in  “love languages” so I tried to fulfill his. 

But you're not new and shiny.  And there's only one of you.  One isn't enough to satiate his ego.

[stillafool]

Your husband sounds like it's all about him, him, him and his insatiable need for attention and validation.  It's time for you to think about you - only.

[preraph]

What I would be most worried about is you have 4 children together, and if any of them are female, he will be trying to sleep with their friends and possibly even his daughters.  Sex addiction has no bounds and is really compulsive.  

[Songbird4]

48 minutes ago, preraph said:

What I would be most worried about is you have 4 children together, and if any of them are female, he will be trying to sleep with their friends and possibly even his daughters.  Sex addiction has no bounds and is really compulsive.  

My husband may have an addiction with the need for attention but sleeping with his daughter? He’s an exceptional father. Crappy husband but amazing, involved, selfless father. I’ll give him that. He’s an advocate for children’s safety as he had an abusive experience inflicted on him by a child when he was a child. I’ll always give credit where it’s due. He’s not a sexual predator... there’s a difference. A big one. 

[CAPITAL CROOK]

Addiction is so much more complex than just the stimulus; it is like a leaky boat, the hole letting water in is his vice and as soon as he plugs it, the water will get in through another hole... it isn't necessarily about whether he is an addict or not... You have to understand that he will ALWAYS be an addict, in the same way that I and every other person who struggled with addiction will always be an addict. 

The key to managing your addiction, outside of general mental health issues, is to find another, more healthy and acceptable outlet. Most alcoholics I know are now habitual marijuana users, for example.

When it comes to things like sex, marriage or not, men are going to be having sex. Having sex is in our nature. WHO we have sex with, yes, that is a question for sure, but the finality of men having sex is definitely real. In the same way, there is a finality with the high that your husband gets... It is a difficult thing for you, because you know this isn't going to end and you are right, but maybe you can help him evolve this addiction into something productive?

 

Edited January 22, 2020 by CAPITAL CROOK

[mark clemson]

He does know what's wrong with him, he just needs to figure out how to fix it (OR have the will to actually fix it).

I think I'm probably a bit like your husband. I flirt with lots of women and in many cases they are happy to flirt back. In my case it's strictly conversation, no sexual talk. Every so often one of them will start trying to take it further, at which point I either disregard it or withdraw from them (depending on what they're doing). I do enjoy the attention, and their attraction/interest in me is also arousing, somewhat like a sexual fetish in some ways. I've never gone to the point of any physical contact or sexting. I do however, sometimes fantasize about the women.

So, I think your husband may have started out like me and it got out of hand. That almost happened to me as well at a point when I started to really crave the attention of random female acquaintances.

If you've been having a lot of sex with him, it's at least plausible that he's never taken it to PA. As noted by others it's about his need for attention/validation etc, NOT your qualities as a wife. I would not be at all shocked if he fantasizes about these women and masturbates. As bad as that may sound, for some if not many men that is actually separate from actual sex.

How long has he been in IC?  I ask because there may be an attachment issue (stemming presumably from his family/childhood) that is part of this (the initial driver of it, not the addiction which presumably forms later as a result of reinforcement).

Possibly a new or additional therapist could help (while maintaining the sex addiction work). Don't know how much therapy you guys can afford, but it's probably cheaper than divorce. Something to consider IF you decide to keep trying. It does sound like you've put a LOT of work into this though, and with unsatisfactory results so far.

Two things he can do on his own to help somewhat - he can take a 1%/day approach - resolving to be 1% less reliant on the attention of females every day. A second thing he could try is to develop some coping strategies such as imagining a wall or "mental barrier" between him and the women so that they "don't exist" in his mind. While it's all pretend of course, something like this can help him stop taking interest long enough to then turn to something else (like work) before he engages. I doubt either of these things will ultimately solve his issues, but if he maintains them, they should help a bit to retrain his brain to be somewhat less "needy".

GL - it sounds like you need it.

[major_merrick]

I'm probably a bit like your husband.  I'm not a sex addict, but I have an issue with monogamy.  I like the chase, I get crushes on cute girls that I run into...I just can't help it.  I need sexual and emotional variety. 

I'm not sure if your husband is needing non-monogamy.  I'm also not sure if he's CAPABLE of monogamy.  That's gonna be between you, him, and the counselors.  Cheating is bad.  I'm a former cheater, and both me and my partners are aware of my potential to stray.  So they keep me well sexed and generally well supervised, and so far my relationships are successful.  But the ultimate answer for me was poly-fidelity rather than monogamy, and I was fortunate to end up with partners who love each other and me.  I tried monogamy and my relationships were disastrous.  Unfortunately, some things are not fixable.  Not saying your husband is one of those things, but it is a possibility.

[Buffer]

Hopefully you both are doing IC at the moment MC, not just yet.

 

Buffer

[elaine567]

Truth is there is nothing essentially wrong with him.
Plenty guys chase and chase women for life, they are the players, the guys with the little black books,  the guys with a sweetheart in every port, the guys who travel for work and pick up girls in the hotel bar every night they are away... the guys who pay for sex..., the old guys still chatting up the nurses in the nursing home...
All of that is about spreading the seed far and wide. and some guys are pretty motivated to do just that. 
Society has imposed "rules" which many are more than happy to follow, but not this guy,
He is not wired like that. 
He is not that abnormal, but what is "abnormal" is that he has ended up with a wife and 4 kids....
He is now apparently getting his kicks chasing women online, If he hasn't already taken it real (which I doubt as these are local women) then I think it is only a matter of time.
Personally I don't think you can really change him.
Like all attempts to change people, it will result in him eventually reverting to type and the whole sorry saga will replay again and again.

You need to put up and shut up, or you walk.