Wife Won't Let Go

[whichwayisup]

whichwayisup, your posts indicate that you are responding with an ingrained belief that the ow is always a selfish person, and are not actually based on anything the ow has said.

 

Hey, the game change when kids are involved.

 

She isn't thinking of his kids. Only her pain and what she wants. She isn't thinking what the best thing would be right now. She and him too, can't think straight or be objective. Noone knows what will happen. He really can't guarantee her 100% that he won't go back to his wife and kids. He can't guarantee that him and OW will work out and be together forever. I see trust always being an issue with OW. How could she trust him fully when she is witnessing and part of him leaving his family? He is doing it now, who says he won't do it in the future?

 

The relationship between MM and OW can't be compared to the marriage between W and MM. The kids, family, friends, inlaws, wedding, vows, neighbours, a life, a history together cannot compare to what OW has with him.

 

The test will be how she can handle things, good, bad and the ugly. Ofcourse living together is fresh and new, just like the affair. When things are rough, are they strong enough to survive it? I am not banking on it.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but CW needs to see everything that she has to deal with. It won't be an easy time for a long time.

[lynnered]

Newbby.. If you look at the OP's post it is written in a VERY selfish manner.

 

Not hard to see unless you don't want to see it..

 

They have only lived together 30 days.. and she wants her to leave them alone..

She has yet to realize that she just bought the whole package and she is bitching about what she bought after less than a month..

 

She even says it could take years to get divorced..She clearly is not prepared for the longhaul and shows to me that she is not stepmother material.

 

Come on.. unrealistic and selfish.

She is the one posting not W ,everybody jumping on poor W bandwagon ,confused asked how to deal with W not tell me how to have sympathy for her,she didnt ask to have everyones ,own childhood issues shoved down her throat ,

thats why i got Upset .

who cares if shes "stepmother material"right now she needs W to backoff,i dont recall her saying if shes interacting with C,i doubt shes keeping him from C .

Certain people i dont get that come here to OW/Om forum all U do is insult if it goes against Ur views ,

ok theys only lived together 30 days how long have they been together?

years to get D sorry if MM i was involved with was out im not waiting years i would wait respectable time & live our life god forbid any of U do something other then by the book .

Can we help confused maybe W is in infidelity or coping or separtation & divorce for those so soncerned with helping her.

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Removed reference to deleted material ~Beth

[d'Arthez]

It simply is a mess.

 

The only way OP can be released of MM's wife, is nothing short of assasination of his wife, or leaving the country. Since both are not legal options, she will have to sit out the ride. Simple as that. And MM's wife can behave as she wants, without any legal repercussions, as long as she does not break the law.

If MM's company policy forbids affairs, and fires people if they do that, your MM might suddenly find himself unemployed (that really depends on the profession, but you get the idea). Anything can happen - and it is simply impossible to prepare for the ifs, the buts, and all the consequences everything may have. It simply will be a ride.

 

As for ways of dealing with the issues, it is simply a necessity. Whatever MM's wife comes up with, OP will have to live with it. And the frustrations it causes in MM. With regards to the kids, the legal procedures. These can be a serious drain, and if his wife does want to contest everything, that is her perfect legal right. It may be frustrating, but it is far from her dream come true, that her husband took his bags and left.

 

Does his wife even know of your existence? If he tries to hide it, everything becomes much more complicated. He has to simply pretend that "the love of his life" does not exist.

If she does know that you do exist, brace yourself. Anything could happen, especially in the fragile state of mind MW is in now. If she can find out where you are staying you might suddenly find out about slashed tires on your car for instance. With time her "insanity" will subside, but that is still a long shot of having a cordial relationship with you or her future ex-husband.

 

Would you expect a woman who has been married to her husband, gave him 3 kids, be indifferent when he suddenly disappears? I hope not.

 

Sure, the kids are being used as a bargaining chip. It is not the most ethical thing to do, but if he had been so happy for so long, why is the youngest child only 2 years old? Why did he not divorce? Why did he insist on having his cake and eat it too, before eventually choosing OP? And, if he hides OP's existence, why did he do that?

 

So many questions, all of which don't have an easy answer. All of which make the situation a lot harder to understand for everyone involved. And harder to have peace with the eventuall situation, whatever that may be.

[TheDiva]

To the OP, I went back and scanned through your other posts. And I believe you have ignored some good advice. MM needs to live on his own, while handling his affairs (no pun intended ) It seems from your posts, that prehaps he is trying to let the "W down easy" She seems to hold some shred of hope that he will come back, and if he has really truly, made it clear, it won't take too much longer for her to understand that its really over. But going out to do "family" things together with a woman he is supposed to be separated from is a big red flag. Not to mention probably confusing the W.

 

The issue of the children is a touchy subject. You wanted the MM and he comes with 3 kids, you have to accept them all can't have just MM. I think with some of the statements that you have made about the children and how much time he spends with them is alarming. At least to me and that what has caused some posters to fire back with digs at you. I definately wouldn't want to date a man that wouldn't ever want to meet or accept my children wholeheartedly when we were ready for that step. I do agree though that you shouldn't be in the kids lives right now, as it will complicate matters.

 

Using the children as a bargaining chip. Well we all know that's not right but admittedly can be an effective tool. Iif he is a good father, then she won't have to use the children too much. They will cry for daddy all on their own. Imagine that:p ! I know mine would.

 

The children are the reason he needs a space of his own. I know you have him in the house and don't want him to leave, but look at it this way. The W don't want her kids around you and you don't want W near your house. She is entitled to know where the father of her kids live. Plain and simple. If he had a space of his own, it would solve that problem for the moment. And she wouldn't have any reason to be near your home. Make no mistake, She does not have any right to abuse you in any way. But like a wounded lion she will lash out at a threat to her being. That brings me to this...

 

 

by lynnered: She is the one posting not W ,everybody jumping on poor W bandwagon ,confused asked how to deal with W not tell me how to have sympathy for her,she didnt ask to have everyones ,own childhood issues shoved down her throat ,

thats why i got Upset .

 

I don't think that people are just jumping on a bandwagon. What most are trying to say is that if CW steps back and thinks about WHY the W is doing all these psycho things, she would realize that ANY WOMAN (W/OW/SW etc) would do these kinds of things when she had a desire to fix and keep her relationship. Even a relationship that is less than good, is better than being a sudden single mom to three children right? People can do stuff way off character when backed into a corner. And from the reactions of the wife I seriously believe the MM has NOT made it clear to W he wants out of the marriage. Maybe he is afraid of losing the kids? Big possibilty! Maybe he wants to keep W on backburner simmering while he samples a new relationship? Could be any number of things, but people who have the truth and all cards laid on the table typically don't act like the W is. KWIM? I am sure she caused her fair share of conflict in the M, just like MM. But the issue is between them MM and W, and I believe if CW can't handle all his baggage, he needs to get out of her house and into his own, until the D is settled. I don't think this one will go back to his W. Not for her or the children. JMO

 

And one question... I don't remember reading it so I will ask rather than go back and reread. He has officially filed seperation papers hasn't he? (sorry I am on some meds and they make me forgetful:rolleyes: )

 

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removed reference to deleted material ~Beth

[lynnered]

"Would you expect a woman who has been married to her husband, gave him 3 kids, be indifferent when he suddenly disappears? I hope not.""

Indiffernt understandable ,a crazed stalker ,not understandable.

Harrassment is Harrassment i dont get people think a marriage licence is ownership?

he is mines forever no matter if feellings change ,i change ,i gain 150 pounds,dont make love for 3years,belittle him ,ETC

Op is trying thats why she is posting!!

she didnt come on here saying YEAH i ruined his M ,tramatized his kids,.

I highly doubt she had anything to do with end of M,my Mm had no thought of leaving until me yes,he planned on staying in a unhappy M forever cuse he wasnt happy hadnt been even before M,but he was comfortable ,then we fell in love OK things changed ,he staes he still plans on leaving i asked if i wasnt in picture would he still leave oneday,he said yes but he probly would stay longer again not out of love or happiness cause its EASIER,to see kids everyday.

But it can work &they have a right for it to work i hope it does!

All the repies she gotton she can see every pov ,because my god shes gotton them ,so im glad she did & confused please dont let the negativity get U down U can do it:love:

[Art_Critic]

i dont get people think a marriage licence is ownership?

 

And being an OW does give her the ownership ?? Works both ways..

 

But in the wifes case she at least has the law on her side.. So yes she does have some ownership rights.. To the marriage and assets and children as well as their safety and future.

[d'Arthez]

"Would you expect a woman who has been married to her husband, gave him 3 kids, be indifferent when he suddenly disappears? I hope not.""

Indiffernt understandable ,a crazed stalker ,not understandable.

So OW don't have a right to feel upset, disappointed or heart-broken when MM goes back to the wife? After all, that was what you could logically expect, don't you? If psychology (hurt, frustration, hope etc.) is allowed to OW, it is also allowed to MM and MW.

Of course that is not true. And it is shocking that our culture condemns the OM/OW much harder than the MW/MM who is involved in an affair.

[whichwayisup]

did she even mention C?

and U have no idea if "The relationship between MM and OW can't be compared to the marriage between W and MM. The kids, family, friends, inlaws, wedding, vows, neighbours, a life, a history together cannot compare to what OW has with him. "

If thats the case all Ms are perfect why are we all here ?

Why do people have A?

My MM we had better communication ,lovemaking,bond,history then any he had with anyone his C kept him from leaving &hes miserable has said why does he have to be miserable cause of C he hates her family,her ETC

And please post the article or study that gave U this information.

And it may not be easy if wed get back on subject & help her with her inital question instead of burning her at the stake .

we dont know what there M was like &she didnt say ,i dont think ,who cares .

She nows its going to be tough im sure thats why she came here asking for advise.

now let me go to infidelty & tell W how there not taking care of H thats why thay cheat.

sorry to go on nothing personal to anyone this just gets old .

 

BECAUSE it is new and exciting!! That is why affairs start! He's addicted to the feelings this OW brings out of him. That intense, crush like feeling! Just because that is there, doesn't mean it will last forever. Obviously it doesn't because of the situation he's in. All relationships eventually fall into a regular routine and the sex isn't the same as it was in the beginning. Even with affairs, eventually life settles in. That is when problems start too, the beginning of the end because the affair becomes too much like a real relationship!

[newbby]

of course the wife is entitled to sympathy and nobody is saying she isnt, but that doesnt mean that the ow has to take and accept abuse. it is inevitable that she will be feeling terrible yes and nobody said it wasnt.

it is the mm's responsibility to handle this in the best way, yeah, after all, he married her and he chose to leave her, and he has children with her. it is for both of them to sort out between them, it is not the ow's responsibility.

and wwiu, affairs are not ALWAYS about just a bit of fun and excitement and nothing else, and mm dont always go back to their wives. might be your experience. my experience was also with a mm wgo only wanted excitement (realise that now), but it doesnt mean it is always the case.

[whichwayisup]

Temp. Hijacking

 

I don't think I have posted enough yet for PM's

 

Hijack over

 

You need to get to 50 before PM is enabled.

 

but that doesnt mean that the ow has to take and accept abuse.

 

No, she doesn't. She has the power and choice to stay or go. She stays and puts up with it, then that's something she has to deal with. If she stands up to him and says, "s*** or get off the pot, I am NOT putting up with this anymore because it's hurting my heart too much" then maybe something will change.

[lynnered]

And being an OW does give her the ownership ?? Works both ways..

 

But in the wifes case she at least has the law on her side.. So yes she does have some ownership rights.. To the marriage and assets and children as well as their safety and future.

come on !

nobody owns anybody!

and the law gives a right to a divorce.

[Art_Critic]

come on !

nobody owns anybody!

and the law gives a right to a divorce.

 

Reread my post.. To the MARRIAGE The CHILDREN and ASSETS ..

 

I never said she owns him .. She does own her kids..marriage and assets

[lynnered]

BECAUSE it is new and exciting!! That is why affairs start! He's addicted to the feelings this OW brings out of him. That intense, crush like feeling! Just because that is there, doesn't mean it will last forever. Obviously it doesn't because of the situation he's in. All relationships eventually fall into a regular routine and the sex isn't the same as it was in the beginning. Even with affairs, eventually life settles in. That is when problems start too, the beginning of the end because the affair becomes too much like a real relationship!

Not always the case ,my A was 4years started as friends for 2 years before ,him & W started as sexuall,we had a better "foundation"communication& sexually:love: WOW only issue was W:mad: No routine we could talk about traffic ,weather for an hour & laugh,& he told me W was never like ours just got less & less ,i made effort im not going to lie maybe thats what more W need to do?

do what U did to catch him to keep him?

I just really dont appreciate the generalzation of OW/situations so often ,if i was stuck because of C,assets,with my SO i would lie my A$$ off if i had to stay or go back,& to be honest its always/mostly(just in case)by those who have never been in situation but they know ins &outs ,everything every emotion all involved have &whats right &wrong .

Is every M 100% the same ?no

then why would every A be the same ?

If my man had A i would be done if i had 4 kids ,but at the same time i dont think mine would cheat cause i wouldnt let communication fail like that,or ever make him feel he cant come to me about his needs,if he wants out i have 3 doors out at my house pick 1.

[lust4life]

So what if she wants to hire a PI, she has a right to know where her husband is!! In many states infidelity will get her a bigger settlemeant award and she can sue the OW for her involvement with her husband, she(the ow) is causing alienation of affection and can and has been fought and won in civil suits. I think she needs to realize the kids and the mom/wife have every right to know where HE is. How can she even feel good being with a guy that is hiding from his family? I think that the wife will no doubt have trouble wanting to be with a man that does this, when he goes back home, and he will go back, don't they all? Some stay and some get kicked back out by the wife.

 

This is such a good example of why not to get involved with a person that is ALREADY INVOVLED! geezzzzz.

3 months is nothing! I hope you don't wait around to find out just how long the ordeal can last. I think you may want to consider how much of your income this WIFE could get if she decides to initiate a civil suit.

[Owl]

Why can't we all just get along???

[Leid]

Maybe I'm biased b/c I'm "technically" an OW though he's not involved at all w/ the W... but what you say in news to me... can a W/H file a civil suit against the OP?

 

 

So what if she wants to hire a PI, she has a right to know where her husband is!! In many states infidelity will get her a bigger settlemeant award and she can sue the OW for her involvement with her husband, she(the ow) is causing alienation of affection and can and has been fought and won in civil suits. I think she needs to realize the kids and the mom/wife have every right to know where HE is. How can she even feel good being with a guy that is hiding from his family? I think that the wife will no doubt have trouble wanting to be with a man that does this, when he goes back home, and he will go back, don't they all? Some stay and some get kicked back out by the wife.

 

This is such a good example of why not to get involved with a person that is ALREADY INVOVLED! geezzzzz.

3 months is nothing! I hope you don't wait around to find out just how long the ordeal can last. I think you may want to consider how much of your income this WIFE could get if she decides to initiate a civil suit.

[Art_Critic]

Maybe I'm biased b/c I'm "technically" an OW though he's not involved at all w/ the W... but what you say in news to me... can a W/H file a civil suit against the OP?

 

A divorce is a civil suit

[Leid]

yes, I know.. but I didn't know third parties can get involved and their money taken from them...

[Leid]

OK.. duh.. this really was news to me.. I'm doing searches now and I found a good explanation of how Alienation of Affection in the state of North Carolina can cost a lover big bucks

 

http://www.rosen.com/alien.asp?ID=37

 

But I also found one that list the states that do/don't [in case anyone else didn't know] :

 

Alienation of Affection States

Site Admin

The following states have, by legislation, abolished the cause of action of Alienation of Affections:

 

Alabama

Arizona

Arkansas

California

Colorado

Connecticut

Delaware

District of Columbia

Florida

Georgia

Indiana

Kansas

Maine

Maryland

Massachusetts

Michigan

Minnesota

Montana

Nebraska

Nevada

New Jersey

New York

North Dakota

Oklahoma

Oregon

Pennsylvania

Rhode Island

Tennessee

Texas

Vermont

Virginia

West Virginia

Wisconsin

Wyoming

 

The Following States have abolished alienation of affections through judicial decision:

 

Idaho

Iowa

Kentucky

South Carolina

Washington

 

As of 2003, alienation of affection appears to be a viable cause of action in these states:

 

Hawaii

Illinois

Mississippi

New Hampshire

New Mexico

North Carolina

South Dakota

Utah

[lynnered]

So what if she wants to hire a PI, she has a right to know where her husband is!! In many states infidelity will get her a bigger settlemeant award and she can sue the OW for her involvement with her husband, she(the ow) is causing alienation of affection and can and has been fought and won in civil suits. I think she needs to realize the kids and the mom/wife have every right to know where HE is. How can she even feel good being with a guy that is hiding from his family? I think that the wife will no doubt have trouble wanting to be with a man that does this, when he goes back home, and he will go back, don't they all? Some stay and some get kicked back out by the wife.

 

This is such a good example of why not to get involved with a person that is ALREADY INVOVLED! geezzzzz.

3 months is nothing! I hope you don't wait around to find out just how long the ordeal can last. I think you may want to consider how much of your income this WIFE could get if she decides to initiate a civil suit.

PI thats NUTS,she knows he is leaving HES TOLD HER ,SO ALL THE PI IS FOR IS TO TELL HER WHO HE IS WITH & WHERE SHE LIVES

"alienation of affection "ii think (no expert like all the Ws on stalking & sueing )is hard to prove ?why go that far?if he wants out let him go!

KIds if they Need dad yes a cell phone #would give 24/7 access im sure,but W NO ,he does not want her say it slowly he....does....not......seem....to ...want ...her ,say this a few times slowmaybe it will sink in,why dont U guys go to infidelity to save marriages ?

She did not ask anything about how W felt JUST STOP HARRASSMENT!

I would hide to the way shes acting maybe if she acted normal he would tell her where she is but if U are threatening to set places on fire no U have no right.

ive heard of that but its rare ,my state has abolished the cause of action of Alienation of Affections so im good:lmao:

[Leid]

Exactly right.. it seems in this case the W just wants to hunt down where the H is living and not necessarily to know where he is. We live in the age of cell phones and this guy doesn't sound like the type to keep out of contact with his kids. The best way to catch a fly is w/ honey and W is using a lot of vinegar.

 

I still hold that the OW needn't confront the W. I dont' think that'll do any good, almost like rubbing it in the W's face. Laying low, being observant and working on her rlp w/ MM is a good way to stay drama-free...

[lynnered]

i agree wtih U leid except if it comes to harm or harrassment of her person or property by W,i think she needs to support &love her man.

And i dont feel shes ready to deal with C,let him go see them ,&W shouldnt force him to stay at her home with them .

but i dont think W acting crazy is good for them,ive see MM child but i told him if time came i wanted to wait he wanted it ASAP"his babys together finally",i felt 6months -a year and graduall,i thought about C feelings& wanted C to adjust well & im sure OP does too its just all this drama at once i hope OP is well & didnt get scared off of here:mad:

[lust4life]

Thats not true with many of the states listed. I have seen a few in the NE and that is New England and the North East.

 

I know though that public records are hard to get here, you often have to show up at the court houses to het them yourself. We aren't into letting Public records become public here!

 

And also OWs and MMs have been sued for money spent! I think that an interesting twist.

[TheDiva]

Don't worry she will be back, she has a thicker skin than that I believe. This is her 3rd or 4th thread about the situation.

 

Ok I want to make a few points here.

 

Cell phones- as hard as this may be to believe........some people don't have one. How does TheDiva know this.. I am one that is Cellphone-less..... don't want one, I don't want anyone to be able to get ahold of me 24/7:D Some people are like that.

 

 

2. If under the same circumstances as this W, I would Not let the H take the children anywhere without me. Why you ask? Good question! Because under law children born of marriage, or even to single people don't really have a custodial parent, which means should he take the kids and leave and not come back, there would be not a damn thing I could do about it. IT DOES HAPPEN. I have seen it, with a close friend of mine. She went to pick up son and father refused to hand him over. She called the cops, they couldn't do anything about it. It was not considered kidnapping since he was the father and there were no existing papers stating custody. So no way in He!! would I allow my STBX to take my children anywhere without me. Because possession is 9/10 of the law. and I ain't giving my kids up that easy.

 

Just a couple of points to ponder.

 

Oh and I live in Alienation of Affection state:bunny:

[lynnered]

 

2. If under the same circumstances as this W, I would Not let the H take the children anywhere without me. Why you ask? Good question! Because under law children born of marriage, or even to single people don't really have a custodial parent, which means should he take the kids and leave and not come back, there would be not a damn thing I could do about it. IT DOES HAPPEN. I have seen it, with a close friend of mine. She went to pick up son and father refused to hand him over. She called the cops, they couldn't do anything about it. It was not considered kidnapping since he was the father and there were no existing papers stating custody. So no way in He!! would I allow my STBX to take my children anywhere without me. Because possession is 9/10 of the law. and I ain't giving my kids up that easy.

 

Oh and I live in Alienation of Affection state:bunny:

YES during this time I agree but once a DECENT AMOUNT of time passes,legall issues said& done he has a right to move in&on with his life & introduce his new lady into C life ,i dont want to be anyones mother but my own but i would be very good to his C,but C has a mother &its not me ,but as the woman in his life she deserves some respect all OW arent perfect but most are not the devil:p