SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 6 hours ago, Beachead said: her keeping it from him is just as selfish as her cheating was and its the perfect reason to continue with it because she never has to own up to anything. What kind of message would that be putting out? She needs to own up to her mistakes because its the right thing to do. It's a path of integrity which leads to character. You continue to misunderstand. This "he" to which you keep refering, is nothing to the OP. Only the rule of common sense applies in such a scenario. "you can always tell him/her/it/them, but you can never un-tell him/her/it/them" "Common sense" trumps integrity and character every time.
Legatus Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 Common sense here dictates not to tell him? Well that's a rubbish common sense...
schlumpy Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 On 1/21/2020 at 10:10 PM, Sam987567899w86 said: I have been with a boy 2 yrs and a half. I started this relationship at 16. I kissed 2 people while I was not supposed to. He took a revenge and kissed a girl after the second. I loved him and still love him. Our relationship was based not only on love, but also friendship. I always felt like I was pushing him to accomplish dreams and he was dragging me down on yearth because I needed that. We grew up together, but after 2 years things changed. I was ready to move out with him, far from family and friends to start our life. I always included him in my future, but he didn't. Working in a bar, I was surrounded by flirting guys and more mature people. I started to talk to other guys... he didn't knew about it. One day I went to the guy's house and we hooked up. 2 days after I broke up with my boyfriend. I never told him about what I did, I only said that I kissed another guy and that we still talk. I told him how I felt about our relationship, saying that I don't feel accomplished no more and that I feel something's always missing... he asked for a second chance. We tried, I gave up. We still work at the same place, so we still see each other. He is still the person that counts the most on this world for me, and I wish we remain friends. Do I have to tell him everything or leave it like it is...? Why is that the person that falls in love with someone else always feels compelled to tell their former love interest about their romantic epiphany and drive the point home, that their relationship was only one rung on the love ladder of life and a low one at that. Go ahead and rub his nose in it but be prepared to learn of his own "growth experiences" while you were together.
Cersei Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 No way in hell would I tell him. What is the point?
Beachead Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 (edited) 8 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: You continue to misunderstand. This "he" to which you keep refering, is nothing to the OP. Only the rule of common sense applies in such a scenario. "you can always tell him/her/it/them, but you can never un-tell him/her/it/them" I know what your trying to say. She should keep her mouth shut..no harm, no foul. Certainly no chance for him to get angry and do something stupid to her. Personally, I don't think she is doing him any good. She should leave him be and let him move on. No need to come clean about anything then, because their dealings are done. ..but the OP mentioned she has ideas to stay in touch with him and perhaps get back together and THAT is the event I am addressing and that's where honesty becomes an issue. This guy has a life too. He's got important decisions to make. Maybe in his career. Maybe in his education. Maybe he might be seeing someone else and he's considering being with that new person..but there his ex will be in the background, handling him. I've been a dumpee. I've had exes do this to me. I know vulnerability, I know the hope and desire for a second chance and I know the time it takes to heal from all the confusion and pain. By interrupting that entire process and then withholding vital information he needs in order to process and decide how HE wants to deal with her..she robs him of choice by only looking out ONLY for herself, and manipulating the situation, to her favour. Is the truth devastating?..could it change him? Your damn right it is and it would but if she's going to be in his life, she owes him a chance to know who he's with. Quote "Common sense" trumps integrity and character every time. Maybe that's the way you conduct yourself but I don't. I hold myself to a higher standard than that. It's tough but I sleep with a clear conscious. Edited January 23, 2020 by Beachead 1
2BGoodAgain Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 long term vs short term..... if you want a long term relationship with him, other than friendship, then yes. tell him everything. but if you don't need such a relationship with him, and only want to be friends or something. then no. you don't have to, and prob shouldn't.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 (edited) 12 hours ago, Beachead said: Personally, I don't think she is doing him any good. She should leave him be and let him move on. No need to come clean about anything then, because their dealings are done. Maybe that's the way you conduct yourself but I don't. I hold myself to a higher standard than that. It's tough but I sleep with a clear conscious. her "doing him any good" is COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT to this entire equation. She should never "tell him" today, because she can always tell him "tomorrow". There is no other applicable train of thought. Edited January 24, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed innappropiate remark
Author Sam987567899w86 Posted January 23, 2020 Author Posted January 23, 2020 On 1/22/2020 at 6:34 PM, Beachead said: She needs to own up to her mistakes because its the right thing to do. It's a path of integrity which leads to character. Update, I told him. I took this advice. After he asked me a second chance, we tried, so now he just realized that I played with him because as one of you said, he wouldn't have asked for a second chance if he actually knew what I did. I am in a s***ty situation because of my mistakes. He does not want to see me for me to explain how I felt. He said I was a whore and that he lost all respect he had for me. He also said I am going to regret what I did, in a sense he wants to revenge... Don't know what's next... I feel like I need to hide and not exist anymore. I feel really dumb
FMW Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 4 minutes ago, Sam987567899w86 said: I feel like I need to hide and not exist anymore. I feel really dumb You made a mistake. So learn from it and do better with future relationships. Stay away from him, don't let him continue putting you down or threatening you.
Beachead Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 (edited) Hey Sam, Quote Update, I told him. I took this advice. After he asked me a second chance, we tried, so now he just realized that I played with him because as one of you said, he wouldn't have asked for a second chance if he actually knew what I did. I am in a s***ty situation because of my mistakes. He does not want to see me for me to explain how I felt. He said I was a whore and that he lost all respect he had for me. He also said I am going to regret what I did, in a sense he wants to revenge... Don't know what's next... I feel like I need to hide and not exist anymore. I feel really dumb It's okay. His reaction was expected. He's just pissed off because it wasn't pleasant to hear. He'll be upset over it for awhile and he may contact you and try to engage but don't respond. You two need to space. Just let him say what he has to say. He needs to let it out and he needs to feel like your listening to it. Anything you say or do to "fix" it at this point will only fuel the fire and will only be twisted around to fit what he needs to believe, for him, to help him cope. What he chooses to do and how he chooses to handle this is up to him now. You may not realize it right now but you two were bound to go your separate ways anyway. You were ready to move onto something else and try out other guys which was a sign you were no longer interested in him. Even if you tried to be friends, it would have become complicated the moment one of you ended up with someone else. New boyfriends or girlfriends in the picture dont' want an ex lingering around so one of you would have had to let the other go. So this is for the best. It's okay to feel the way you feel. You feel crummy right now because his anger made you aware of how your actions impact the people around you. It made you aware that you do have an impact. That's the lesson here; you can make a difference in someone's life..positively or negatively..so take responsibility for yourself and the way you treat others in your words, your choices, your actions. Don't worry about the pain you feel right now, you just went through something very difficult. Give it time and it'll subside. Just know you did the right thing and the right thing to do isn't often the easiest. That's why not many people do it. I think you showed incredible strength. That pain you feel right now..it's life experience and its invaluable. You need that pain..because it will be the very thing that shocks you into becoming a better version of yourself going forward. I believe it'll transfer into you becoming a better partner in the future. - Beach Edited January 24, 2020 by Beachead 1 1
Author Sam987567899w86 Posted January 24, 2020 Author Posted January 24, 2020 51 minutes ago, Beachead said: Beach Thank you for your time, you helped me a lot.
Beachead Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 (edited) @Sam I'm very relieved to hear that. You were open enough to take criticism and readjust and that is an extremely difficult thing for many people to do. It's a sign you're capable of change and growth for the better. Qualities like that inspire me to check myself as well and make sure I practice what I preach, so you've helped me as well. Stay strong and I as I am sure many here, will continue to offer support where we can. Edited January 24, 2020 by Beachead
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