Sam987567899w86 Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 I have been with a boy 2 yrs and a half. I started this relationship at 16. I kissed 2 people while I was not supposed to. He took a revenge and kissed a girl after the second. I loved him and still love him. Our relationship was based not only on love, but also friendship. I always felt like I was pushing him to accomplish dreams and he was dragging me down on yearth because I needed that. We grew up together, but after 2 years things changed. I was ready to move out with him, far from family and friends to start our life. I always included him in my future, but he didn't. Working in a bar, I was surrounded by flirting guys and more mature people. I started to talk to other guys... he didn't knew about it. One day I went to the guy's house and we hooked up. 2 days after I broke up with my boyfriend. I never told him about what I did, I only said that I kissed another guy and that we still talk. I told him how I felt about our relationship, saying that I don't feel accomplished no more and that I feel something's always missing... he asked for a second chance. We tried, I gave up. We still work at the same place, so we still see each other. He is still the person that counts the most on this world for me, and I wish we remain friends. Do I have to tell him everything or leave it like it is...?
DKT3 Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 If your are being honest and he means the most to you then shouldn't you be honest with him? Just understand, you cant mistreat someone and expect them to be your friend, especially when its romantic and you cheat. 2
mark clemson Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 Just a side note, IF he still has feelings for you, watching you start a relationship with someone else while "friends" may be torture for him emotionally. Possibly not, but probably it will be. The price of post-relationship "friendship" (unless one is truly over the other person) and it can feel pretty steep when you're dealing with it.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 Do not tell him; you have already broken up and this will crush him. I don't see any need to rub salt in the wound, so to speak. You want him to remain in your life, but that's not a very realistic prospect right now. Your new guy won't like an ex hanging around, and your ex will probably find it very painful to be an audience member to your budding new relationship. You two won't be close as you once were, and that will be best for you both as you move forward with your lives. 2
d0nnivain Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 You don't have to volunteer this info. It will crush him if you tell him. Being friends soon after a break up is not a great idea. It will just leave him longing for what he can't have. You think you love him but you don't. He's just all you really know. The dalliances with the other boys show you want more. Give yourself the freedom to explore. Do yourself another favor & get a job somewhere else so you are not constantly seeing him. 3
Beachead Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 (edited) Hey Sam, You two can't be friends, fresh out of a breakup. You're young so you'll test that, but experience and time will show you, it ends up getting ugly. How do you think he'll feel seeing you date other guys, after being with you for 2 and a half years. You may end up catching feelings, fall in love and have a new relationship. Do you think that new guy would be okay with your ex hanging around? Your doing to stay loyal to him, and not to your ex. Who do you think is going to get pushed away? That's right..your ex. So, your expectations of being friends is unrealistic. In your ex's mind and heart, you're still his and he can't unsee that overnight so he will not be okay seeing with others. He won't be genuinely happy for you. He'll have hope that he can win you back. You will not be able to be yourself around him because you'll always be thinking twice about what you should do or say. All in all, it will take him time to grieve the breakup and eventually come to accept it. You both have to let eachother go to find eachother again and come at eachother from a fresh, healed, perspective. By then, there won't be ulterior motives or lingering feelings to complicate matters. Not enough to affect your judgement anyway. Only then can you consider a friendship. That's what a breakup really is. Regarding cheating, that was wrong. Just because the relationship wasn't going well, doesn't give you a greenlight to do that. Last I checked, lying and keeping secrets has very little to do with respect. There's very little integrity in it. I wouldn't want that information to be kept from me. I'd want the truth so that I could use it to help me move on because yes, if the relationship is over, I would need to move on. You'd only be keeping it from him only because it would be hard for YOU to own up to your mistakes. You knew what you were doing when you did it and you knew it was wrong. If you care about him and respect him, then tell him the truth about the cheat. Be honest about how you feel about the relationship and that you just don't feel like working it out anymore, and that you two need to cleanly break it off because friendship isn't possible. Yes he will get upset with you because he should get upset but atleast you were honest about it. He may in time come to forgive you and respect you for that honesty and that might lead to a stronger connection in the future. - Beach Edited January 22, 2020 by Beachead
Author Sam987567899w86 Posted January 22, 2020 Author Posted January 22, 2020 hi, I should have said that the situation is currently temporary because in 4 months or so, I will leave. the current relationship is not serious, and I warned that I am leaving because I want to experience much more. with all answers, I understand that remaining friends isn't realistic and that we should just separate. I have to admit that a little part of me is hoping to get back to him one day, that's the reason why I am not sure if I should tell him. He will be destroyed, completely... I know that we would be able to work our relationship out to make it work as we did it for 2 years. But, another part of me wants to explore and see new things. I am conscientious that cheating was very wrong. I regret it and I take completely the blame on me. I know that if I have to tell him, I would never blame him for anything. The actual dilemma of telling the truth or not relies on 2 things: 1. do not tell him because it would be selfish, as telling him will just release this pressure that I have. I would have to leave with it all my life and forget him and our friendship forever. 2. tell him because I have to be honest, which implies that I still hope one day we start to talk again, and maybe get back (?). telling him implies respect and owning my mistakes. what should I do? still cannot decide
Legatus Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 I think you should tell him. Yes it might crush him but it will be his choice how to deal with it. Right now he still thinks you can be friend but he should know that you weren't even his friend when you cheated. It is a thin line because you don't know how hurt he will be but that's not for you to think about. You know you hurt him deeply, he still thinks he can be friends with you. Once you tell him he will be devastated and wondering what has he done to deserve it, where things went wrong, and that's okay. Don't try to minimise his pain by saying it wasn't him etc. Let him grieve and deal with it best by not approaching him in any way 2
stillafool Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 Definitely tell him. You owe him that. He will still hold on to you if you don't thinking it was somehow his fault for the breakup. You can't put his life on hold while you play around hoping one day to get back with him. That isn't fair and will end in disaster. 3
K.K. Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 Why would you bother telling him now? Sounds like more of a not so humble brag considering you’re not even still together. Why would he even care? I never understood why someone puts their own guilty conscience on another. Why cause unnecessary pain? If you care about him like you say, lock the lips and throw away the key. If he asks you later on, that is the time to be truthful. Not now when it doesn’t even matter. 1
Beachead Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 (edited) Quote The actual dilemma of telling the truth or not relies on 2 things: 1. do not tell him because it would be selfish, as telling him will just release this pressure that I have. I would have to leave with it all my life and forget him and our friendship forever. 2. tell him because I have to be honest, which implies that I still hope one day we start to talk again, and maybe get back (?). telling him implies respect and owning my mistakes. what should I do? still cannot decide Your lying to "protect him" is just about you wanting to keep your options open while having him on on standby, incase you decide you want him again. You say you understand the weight of a cheat, but its not evident in your actions because you did it once..and then you did it again. What you've proven through action, is everytime things get bad, you're liable to run off and sleep with someone and then try to minimize the damage by manipulating the circumstances (Lying), to keep things the way you want it. So now, you put yourself in this crappy position where you'll hurt him if you tell him but won't deserve him if you lie. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. But that's why you should think about these things before you do it and then stop yourself from doing it, so you don't trap your conscious like that. We live and learn. Regarding what you should do, you can't go back in time and undo it, but you can make do right by him, right now. I would look at it like thism you two shared 2.5 years of relationship history. Don't run away from your responsibilities to your partner. Honesty with your boyfriend doesn't apply only when its convenient. It matters (Especially matters) when its inconvenient and when things aren't so good. You two started together, you two worked at a relationship together, and you two have to end it together. End it right. If you care about him like you say and want to have some kind of meaningful, genuine connection with him in the future, then I'd be honest. As Legatus said, you should tell him and let him decide how he wants to deal with the information..and whatever he decides, he gets to decide with the full picture. - Beach Edited January 22, 2020 by Beachead 4
DKT3 Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 2 hours ago, K.K. said: Why would you bother telling him now? Sounds like more of a not so humble brag considering you’re not even still together. Why would he even care? I never understood why someone puts their own guilty conscience on another. Why cause unnecessary pain? If you care about him like you say, lock the lips and throw away the key. If he asks you later on, that is the time to be truthful. Not now when it doesn’t even matter. She is conflicted because she still believes she has a future with the guy. Right now she wants to be young date around, yet she wants to be able to go back when she's ready. Problem, it rarely works that way. He will move on if she tells him or not. 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 5 hours ago, Sam987567899w86 said: The actual dilemma of telling the truth or not relies on 2 things: 1. do not tell him because it would be selfish, as telling him will just release this pressure that I have. I would have to leave with it all my life and forget him and our friendship forever. 2. tell him because I have to be honest, which implies that I still hope one day we start to talk again, and maybe get back (?). telling him implies respect and owning my mistakes. what should I do? still cannot decide There is no dilemma at all. For you can always tell him... Yet you can never un-tell him. Apply common sense to your so-called dilemma and it's no dilemma at all.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 3 hours ago, Beachead said: with your boyfriend Uh, please tune-in to the OP. She doesn't have a boyfriend.
d0nnivain Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 Don't tell him. Just go off & explore. You can be "friends" in the sense that you will be polite & warm when you see each other again. You can't be friends in the sense that you will intentionally hang out, talk, socialize & interact on social media. You do need to disconnect on all platforms, especially social media. He doesn't need to see you on your new adventures. Sometime in the future if you decide to reconcile, then you can make whatever disclosures you think are appropriate at that time. Do understand that they will cause him to not take you back but he will also be removed from the acute hurt of now, so the revelation won't be as soul crushing. 1
CAPITAL CROOK Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 If you are telling him, he is probably going to tell others. He may even attempt to ruin your reputation out of contempt for you. If you ever have plans to leave the bar, before you leave, telling him might be a good idea, but if you plan on staying, I would just sit on it.
Beachead Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 (edited) @SincereOnlineGuy 1 hour ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: Uh, please tune-in to the OP. She doesn't have a boyfriend. I'm tuned in. This is what the OP wrote. 18 hours ago, Sam987567899w86 said: I have been with a boy 2 yrs and a half. From what I see here, they were together, sharing some kind of relationship and the end of it was fairly recent if I assume correctly. Ion't know if it was official or not but it doesn't really matter..it was an intimate 2.5 year bond with history. Therefore it's something that demands a level of careful treatment and respect when dealing with the end of it..especially if she wants this to still be in her life. Edited January 22, 2020 by Beachead
DKT3 Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: Don't tell him. Just go off & explore. You can be "friends" in the sense that you will be polite & warm when you see each other again. You can't be friends in the sense that you will intentionally hang out, talk, socialize & interact on social media. You do need to disconnect on all platforms, especially social media. He doesn't need to see you on your new adventures. Sometime in the future if you decide to reconcile, then you can make whatever disclosures you think are appropriate at that time. Do understand that they will cause him to not take you back but he will also be removed from the acute hurt of now, so the revelation won't be as soul crushing. So the advice is for a very young woman to continue the behavior that led her to the situation she is in? By not telling him you allow him to leave the relationship with a false sense of why the relationship ended. It would be one thing if there was hatred there or even dislike, OP stated the guy means more to her then anyone else (excluding herself, obviously). So we get to pick and choose when and what we are honest about, based on not wanting to be held accountable or made to feel uncomfortable for our actions? 3
d0nnivain Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 What good is it going to do him if she says BTW I'm dumping you because I cheated on you? It's just rubbing sand in his wounds. If she says something like I want to go off & be free, to explore what's out there, knowing that she has already owned up to kissing other guys, if he has any sense he will realize her answer was trickle truth & there is probably more to it then she is fessing up to but he will be spared the anguish of knowing she was unfaithful. Sometimes ignorance is bliss & I don't want her to kick this guy more when he's down. She's already breaking up with him; how much more is she required to hurt him?
DKT3 Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 Because a majority of the relationship she has been messing around. Will it add pain? Absolutely, but more importantly she would have given him the information he needs to move on and hopefully create a healthy future. Having people mislead you as to why something so important is happening can cause wasted time and effort heading into a direction that would not be necessary with the truth. More importantly, her reasoning for not wanting to tell is as selfish as her cheating itself..because she still wants him in her life. By not telling him she plans on remaining friends. Very young naive thinking. 1
Beachead Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: What good is it going to do him if she says BTW I'm dumping you because I cheated on you? It's just rubbing sand in his wounds. I don't know Donnivain..respectfully I have to challenge that perspective..though I can appreciate where its coming from. She's in this predicament because of her. Not because of anyone else. But instead of facing the consequences of her bad decisions with courage and integrity, by doing the right thing and being honest with him...what she's being told to do is to keep it in the dark, under the pretense of "sparing his feelings." She wouldn't be sparing his feelings..she'd be sparing her own. If she didn't want to hurt him, she shouldn't have cheated on him. She should have exercised forsight and discipline. As DKT3 said, her keeping it from him is just as selfish as her cheating was and its the perfect reason to continue with it because she never has to own up to anything. What kind of message would that be putting out? The more people adopt that practice, the more enter the dating world with it and that'll become the dating culture all of us, including those closest to us, will be dating in and finding relationships in. Would you want a family member or someone close to you, to find out years into their relationship, their partner cheated on them? Would you want them to be the recipient of this kind of cowardice? She needs to own up to her mistakes because its the right thing to do. It's a path of integrity which leads to character. When it comes to people we care about, we shouldn't just be honest when its easy and convenient. It's especially important at a time like this. She cares about him, she still wants him in his life, so she should be honest with him. She's not dumping him because she cheated on him. She's dumping him because she's no longer interested in having a relationship with him. Cheating on him was the result of that lack of interest and is an indication that she wants to go out and explore. He deserves to know what actually happened so that he can have a fair chance to make the right decision, for himself, on what he wants to do..even if the truth hurts him. - Beach Edited January 22, 2020 by Beachead 1
d0nnivain Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 Just now, Beachead said: He deserves to know what actually happened so that he can have a fair chance to make the right decision, for himself, on what he wants to do..even if the truth hurts him. He has no decision to make. She already dumped him. 1
elaine567 Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 People get frequently ruined by bfs/gfs cheating on them. They get anxious in future relationships, they trust no-one, they have self esteem issues, paranoia sets in, anger and bitterness follow, and it may take years to get fully over. The doomed love affair that just didn't work out, is a lot easier to get over than hot and heavy mind movies about some other man /woman sleeping with their beloved... She has already dumped him, he does't need any gory details. Leave the poor guy alone, why ruin his life?
Demps87 Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 I get the whole 'why rub salt in the wound' kinda thing. But when I come out of relationships I torture myself with the 'what ifs' and what I could have done to make it work. Why should his head have to go through all that when you cheated on him? And really if your moral compass is set to 'cheating is ok' then it was bound to fail even if he was a saint. Seems unfair to me. If he knew you did more than kiss would he have asked for a second try? Would he want to be your friend? I'm being pretty hypocritical here because I've acted selfishly towards my ex lately, but seems to me like you want to walk away knowing he will always think fondly of you and really.. that's up to him to decide. By keeping the whole truth from him aren't you robbing him of that choice? Seems more egotistical than heroic in my opinion. You cheated so you dont really deserve him in any way.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 7 hours ago, Beachead said: @SincereOnlineGuy I'm tuned in. This is what the OP wrote. Uh, what you wrote is the concern here.
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