Never had a relationship?

[Magicmontazzle]

I wanted to ask the masses...

 

if a man or woman who claims to be heterosexual has never had a long term relationship (say over 2 years) by mid 30s - is that a red flag?

 

I have dated a guy who is 35 whose longest relationship was around 1-1.5 years, all relationships broke down as they wanted commitment and he was not ready. Fair enough. Is there something underlying this?

 

Also know a girl who is 34 and never had a relationship - apart from a ‘situationship’ whilst at college aged 18 or so. She is the first to dole out advice to friends regarding relationships but had never been in one herself. Always quick to remark on others relationships though.

 

Any thoughts on this? Perhaps some people have not met the right person yet.

 

 

[stillafool]

As for the 35 year old man I'm not surprised.  Acutally 1-1.5 years isn't so bad.  At least he didn't string some girl on for 6 years and then move on.  If he is good looking and in high demand it may take him longer to settle down.  The 34 year old with all the relationship advice but no relationship has probably been watching a lot of tv/movies/relationship sites and now thinks she's an authority on the subject.

[smackie9]

There you have it....commitment issues is the key factor as to why. Doesn't always mean they can't, just that their priorities may lay elsewhere at this time, like for example career, or caring for a sick parent, etc. If you are looking for the house with the white picket fence life pretty soon, don't waste your time by taking a chance on someone like that.

[Miss Spider]

0? It would be unusual. 

However, the two examples you gave I don’t consider as having had 0 relationships 

[The Outlaw]

Maybe. But some people are just happy being single. 

[ChatroomHero]

Happy to be single. Wrecked by some girl in the past and looks at a relationship as potential to end with felling worse than he ever has in his life. Extremely shy even if it doesn't seem like it. Loathes and fears rejections. Only seems to click with women that he has no attraction to.

Could be any number of reasons. It's like asking what's wrong with someone that is in relationships all the time but hasn't committed permanently to any one of them.

Frankly, even when I was younger, like late 20s,  I looked at, "what does she bring to the table?". The answer I find a lot of times is, not really that much. When 50% of marriages lead to divorce, what I see are a lot of people destroyed financially and emotionally by divorce and bad relationships with lasting impacts that sometimes eventually erupt in their future relationships. Early 20s I looked at how attracted I was to her and thought that would be enough.

I think a lot, and I mean alot, of people are afraid to be alone and make bad choices with people that you can immediately see they will be incompatible with and then seem to hate each other but they plod along in a miserable relationship for 5 or 6 years. If I am miserable with someone for 6 days, I move on. I'd think if a person was single like that, they are probably waiting for the right person, not just the next warm body that doesn't spit on them like so many others just accept. They are probably happier alone than with someone where going home at night makes them cringe and want to find excuses to avoid.

[mortensorchid]

I never cease to be amazed at how people really are/operate in the world.  Here is what I have encountered:

1) Secret virgins - I am shocked how many people I have met who are/were nearly 30 who were virgins.  People become or start to become in some way sexually active at age 16 (as in going out on your first real date).  Statistics say that 95% by age 25 (men and women) have had sex at least once.  But there are some who are nearly 30 (perhaps more than you know of) who never have had sex.  Reasons?  I've been accused many times of thinking like a woman on this forum as I don't understand how difficult it is for guys to get laid.  Maybe so.  But what about a man and a woman who are living together as bf/gf, sleeping in the same bed, and are engaged to be married and never had sex?  I know of two situations like that oddly enough.  The first the man came out as gay later on.  The second?  Never got a real answer from him as I figured it wasn't my business and it was the past (by that point in life that is) and he said it never got beyond heavy petting.  I never met the gf, I wonder what her take on it was.

2) In love - It's important to know that there is a lot to love as a subject matter.  I had a cruel man from the past tell me that he was not in love with me the same way he was in love with this other woman Jane Doe.  I said and how long were you with her?  He said 6 weeks.  And why didn't he marry her then if he was head over heels in love with her?  He said because she moved away, and he didn't go after her because he couldn't afford it.  Horse****.  THe first 6-9 months you are with someone is infatuation.  Infatuation wears off and then you are stuck with that person, no exceptions.  And you better like that person - not love, just LIKE them.  And if you don't, you're in trouble.  A lot of people jump into things without thinking and they end up with the wrong person and a nightmare on their hands.

3) Commitment - This is the sticky situation.  Two people tend to stay in a relationship for a year and a half / two years, then you hit another biowave.  You are committed to one another after this time.  I believe in 4/5 year relationships before even considering marriage - if you're still together and want to be together, then you can consider marriage.  However, the other party might feel otherwise and they say something stupid like they don't want a serious relationship and want another with someone else, which is a complete copout.  

4) Making it work - How do we make it work with a person in an LTR?  Well ... You have to want to stay together.  LTRs are based on tolerance and contrary to popular belief we are being taught intolerance (it's all about me, he/she isn't perfect I'll change it, etc.).  There are a lot of little things about a person that can bother you, never assume that you are always right/wrong, communicate.  So give each other space when appropriate, laugh as much as you can with and at each other, and have courtesy.  

A lot of things in popular culture are based on romantic comedies, people falling in love, and getting married.  LTRs, however, are dramatic and can be disappointing to others once the newness has worn off. 

[scooby-philly]

Well,

For the man in your scenario, it's worth exploring underlying issues. If he's had "relationships" - i.e. more than 6 months, then he's probably, not guaranteed, to want to have one. So the question is - what's stopped the ones from progressing. Tons of reasons why - but that's why the first 3 months are so important. He could have spent years caring for a family member as someone mentioned, he could have picked the wrong type of woman over and over, he could have emotional issues himself, he could be a commitment phob, he could have impossibly high standards, he could be the sweetest guy on earth that fell for a series of manipulative women. If whoever is dating or starting to see him doesn't bother to find out, you never know. I myself am 38 and my longest relationship was 2.5 years. I spent 22-28 in the seminary so in reality, I'm more like a 30yr old when it comes to dating experience. But I stayed in 3 ltrs even though I wasn't happy and we weren't right for each other because I was conditioned to be the "nice guy". So who knows, I may have missed my chance to have kids, but at this point, I'll happily settle just for a great partner and a great marriage. You never know just by the surface story.

 

Same thing kinda applies to the woman you described. You have to dig deep. Maybe she has sexual trauma at some point that she didn't or wasn't allowed to address. Maybe she's happy being single.  But that's a question for her to answer.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It can be both--a red flag or they just have not found the right person.

 

Example 1: I have a friend who is my age (47) and she has just moved her BF in (to her house) who is early fifties, never married no kids (she is divorced, two kids).  He's incredibly selfish and she's already miserable after less than a month, and I think he's probably single all his life because he expects the world to bend to his every whim and is not capable of being an actual "partner."  So yes, RED FLAGS.  Also, self medicates with MJ a LOT.  He has extreme anxiety and I think he's probalby also bi-polar.  But, he has a lot of money.  Works a good job, but also a good inheritance he recently received.

 

Example #2: One of my best girlfriends, probably the BEST person I've ever met in my life.  I call her my female/non-sexual soulmate. She's amazing in every character-way you could ever want.  Not conventionally beautiful (but I think she is beautiful), but amazing body and high, high, high emotional intelligence.  She devoted her life to her students - first teaching and then counseling.  She impacted so many lives over 25 years....she never would have been able to do that with a family of her own.  She always *wanted* it, but she's so intense, so emotionally intelligent....it took a very long time for her to find the one who was perfect for her.  She got married at age 47.  And, she was still a virgin, believe it or not (religious reasons).  I doubt her husband was, but he also was never married.  Her view on marriage is....profound.  There is literally nobody in my life I respect more than her.

 

 

That's all I got!

 

Oh, I also have a good guy friend who has never married because he is very self concious about his small penis even though he's super good looking and has a great personality and has dated quite a bit...he'd never have trouble actually getting a date.  I think that's probably an anomaly!  

 

 

 

 

 

[rjc149]

I am a 35 year old American man who has never been in a relationship longer than 1 year. 

I have an avoidant attachment style. I am independent, but also emotionally suppressed and scared of intimacy. I'm decently handsome and I've enjoyed playing the field as an adult. My dating history is primarily a series of ONS's, flings, FWB's and "situationships" with blurred boundaries or without them entirely. 

I'm not ready to settle down just yet, because I don't confront declining sexual desirability with age as women do, especially as I continue taking care of myself and improving my financial status. I know this because I've had much more success with women in my 30's than in my 20's. Why close a door that just opened? 

Then I look at all my buddies who got married or are in LTR's. All of them are essentially castrated beta males living in the comfort and security of not having to go talk to girls at the bar. I feel superior, more of a man, more alpha, because I don't answer to some nagging shrew who's taking me one step closer to divorce court with each bitchy text demanding compliance.

But also because I've been hurt and I don't feel safe being vulnerable to anyone. I hate the feeling of opening up to someone, exposing chinks in my armor. I feel helpless and not in control. This causes me to still be too much of a 'player' with the girls I really like, which inevitably drives them away. At least I can comfort myself telling myself that I wasn't really trying that hard anyways. But it's kind of lonely coming home to an empty apartment in the evening, when it might be nice to have children greet me at the door with their school finger paintings. My dad had 3 kids when he was 35 all drawing pictures for him to hang up in his office. I was thinking of getting a dog. 

Sometimes I'll click on some Huffpost/Jezebel clickbait list "top 10 signs he's someone you shouldn't date." I usually check a bunch of those boxes. Ah, so what, right? What the hell do those hipster feminazis know about dating men. They probably all date women. I sneer with defiant pride at those lists. 

So it's partly me still wanting to date and play the field because I still can, partly me being jaded about marital institutions in hookup culture as a product of hookup culture dating women who are products of hookup culture, partly me sensibly minimizing the risk of divorce to the most certain degree possible, partly me saying "f--k you" to society's expectations and partly me nursing emotional scars and being fundamentally scared of pain and rejection. 

Red flags? I'd say so. 

Hope that adds some insight. 

[chillii]

The guy , no biggie he's been in them just hasn't wanted to settle down yet , l was like that. lots of reasons for that , things to do , so many women so little time, simply doesn't wanna be tied down yet. But l'd be thinking at 35, if he doesn't settle next few yrs , from what l've seen he probably won't, woman wise anyway.

The girl she's a bit different , never been in one , l doubt she ever will now and yet all the advise , l'd bet she has personality stuff  .

[Magicmontazzle]

Wow some really interesting replies - great to see the different opinions.

 

[lana-banana]

The guy sounds like a permabachelor. Not that uncommon. I know one; he's incredibly handsome, kind, wealthy, smart, and talented. But he just can't bring himself to make it stick. I was really rooting for him with his latest---at 20 months it was his longest ever---but nope.

A man's odds of marrying if he's never married before drop precipitously after 36. At that point most people are pretty set in their ways and looking for someone to accommodate their lives rather than build a life with them.

There is a huge difference between someone who has long-term relationships that keep exploding and someone who is exclusively in flings or short term situations. Both are red flags for different reasons. This is where you have to really listen and figure out their opinions on marriage, commitment, etc.

A 34-year-old, male or female, with zero relationship experience is very unusual. That is either a choice or a byproduct of some pretty complex factors. I wouldn't want to judge, but at that age I also wouldn't want to date someone without the experience that comes with a serious relationship. 

[Cora]

Well I am one of those odd balls.  I am 37 and have never been in a relationship.  I was in a 2 year on and off again fwb and the longest I dated a guy was for six months.  However, I have never been in a long term committed relationship.  I have always wanted to find someone, have a long term relationship, get married and have kids.  At this point in my life though it will probably never happen if it hasn’t already.  It could be because I am very introverted and shy, maybe I’m afraid of commitment, perhaps I’m too picky, maybe my self esteem is too low and I tend to self sabotage....push guys away.  Probably a combination of all of these.

[chillii]

6 hours ago, Cora said:

Well I am one of those odd balls.  I am 37 and have never been in a relationship.  I was in a 2 year on and off again fwb and the longest I dated a guy was for six months.  However, I have never been in a long term committed relationship.  I have always wanted to find someone, have a long term relationship, get married and have kids.  At this point in my life though it will probably never happen if it hasn’t already.  It could be because I am very introverted and shy, maybe I’m afraid of commitment, perhaps I’m too picky, maybe my self esteem is too low and I tend to self sabotage....push guys away.  Probably a combination of all of these.

But seems as you actually understand and acknowledge some likely things about yourself , can you work on that when you do meet someone.

Any long term single people l've known, for yrs actuall,y don't see the things about themselves that are very very obvious to me, so that's the main reason l've always known they won't be able to have a relationship.

But you see and acknowledge yours and so you can work on it.

 

[MeadowFlower]

Not everyone is going to fit into societies little box of how someone should live their life. 

[Noproblem]

Can we accept that some people are too busy or simply not ready to be in a relationship, but they can still think and do critical thinking and be unbiased

I mean I don't need to be with 10 other guys to see red flags and give advice accordingly, actually I would be better in judging a situation since i won't be biased.

Not all people are in relationship, and there are many out there who are single just because they simply too picky, too shy, too busy, not ready, have financial issues, cultural constraints, religious reasons, family problems, mental issues,  etc.. Or simply they are single because they love their freedom!

Let people be!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 10, 2020 by Noproblem

[preraph]

Yes and no.  I guess I fit into this category.  It's not black and white, though, since I maintained some type of relationship with the guys I was in love with for many years.  But not "a relationship" like in living together.  

 

There are people who are more "mainstream" and attracted to and get along with a wider array of people and they are usually the ones who match right up.  Then there are people who are more specialized, special interests, less traditional lifestyle, etc., for whom their dating pool is going to be smaller, and for some, really really small.  So they may be perfectly able to have a relationship with the right person, if they ever find the right person.  

 

I'll use myself for the "on the other hand."  I believe I didn't have a big long domestic relationship because I didn't like domesticity and always had excitement to pursue.  I didn't meet the right person I could have under the same roof because that made me pretty specialized and most guys do want domesticity.  That wasn't me, never was.  I just wasn't cut out for it.  So you might meet a guy who, for whatever reason, isn't cut out for it.  Maybe he must have sexual variety and will always be chasing that, or maybe he's solitary, or any number of reasons.  I don't think he's in the worst category if he even had a two-year relationship.  That's not bad.  I wouldn't write him off for it.  I'd reserve my emotions until I got to know him better to find out what he's about and what his limitations are.  Maybe it was the women who had limitations (like me) and not even him.  I could have married if I wanted to....

[I'veseenbetterlol]

On 1/21/2020 at 6:48 AM, Magicmontazzle said:

Any thoughts on this? Perhaps some people have not met the right person yet.

Bingo!  Before meeting my long term partner, I had one serious 10 month relationship.  I dated other guys for a few months, but no real feelings involved.  My relationship was short because he wasn't the right guy for me.  I cared for him a lot, but would have been miserable if I stayed.  More concerning would be too many relationships or several long relationships without marriage.  When I became desperate, I ran across a psycho controlling guy.