Demps87 Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 I broke up with my ex in June of last year. Since then I will say it has maybe become very unhealthy, we have been on and off and slept together twice shortly after the break up and both times lead to confusion on her side and her being upset, she said that my behaviour at this time was like we were still together because I would drive her to work and we would spend each weekend together. we stopped seeing each other in person in September, communicating only by text thereafter. From then It's gone pretty dramatically back and forth with us talking then arguing, then me blocking her then us getting back in touch then she will annoy me again, we will argue and I will go back to blocking. Further complications to this are firstly that I am her brothers friend and roommate. And secondly she previously had an abusive relationship, I never asked much about it but from what I pieced together he was controlling, raped her, sexually exploited in her in other ways I.e. would threaten suicide if she didnt perform certain sexual acts. Isolated her from all her friends. Financially abused her etc. I think this is in part what lead to our break up, she has a lot of baggage and trauma to overcome from that. She has many panic attacks, diagnosed with C-PTSD and anxiety. And I wanted to be their for her but in the end I couldn't handle it, but I do think she is a lovely person. She is one of the kindest people ever, sweet and funny and clever but when her anxiety kicks in shes borderline impossible to deal with, at least she is for me. She often will argue and becomes over emotional to the point she acts quite childish and some of the things she says can be harsh, but it's a completely different person from who she is when she isn't struggling. And I will say that I recognise how hard she does work on herself, when I met her just over 3 years ago she very rarely left the house, was struggling to find a job because of this, had no friends also because of this and was close to mute, which I understand from her brother, is because of her abusive relationship. In the time we were together she got a job, then got a better one. Started taking driving lessons. Frequently goes out by herself and completed her degree. I'm proud of her, but I couldnt make it work anymore. The problem is, in December she stayed over at my place for a week to pet-sit for her brother and we bumped in to each other a few times. Ended up sleeping together. After that we texted then a week later went for a coffee. She then text me asking what exactly was going on because she felt like she was initiating all the texts, I denied this but looking back she was right. She then said she was disappointed with me as she never thought I would only come to her for sex and that I probably shouldnt have knowing how she felt. I will admit that shes made it very clear that she wanted to give it another go and still loved me. She then said I should have at least made it more clear to her that night if I wanted nothing more from it and that going for coffee afterwards and me paying for it made it more unclear. I told her I had already said I dont want a girlfriend and she countered this by claiming I said that over a month before we slept together and she got the impression it changed as I made the first move thst night, which I did. And apparently I alluded to us trying again soon once I had settled in my new job. Which I'm not sure I did. I just said the stress of my job isn't putting me in the position to have a relationship and that I couldnt rule us out in the future. Apparently I also made a point to tell tell her I hadn't been with anyone since and don't hang out with other girls. Which is actually true, I didn't intended for it to be suggest that we were on our way to a relationship. I then blocked her on the messaging app we use because I didn't want to argue. She then text my phone to tell me that it was terrible thing to do because i 'should only do it if I want her out my life, not if I'm trying to punish her and it seems like that's what is happening as I've blockee and unblocked her several times. I told her it's simply because she argues with me and I dont want to but it's hard because I want to be there If she ever needs me, which seemed to offend her. She said she always appreciated my support but never needed me to fix her, she then told me that it makes what I did even worse. If im trying to be just her friend and a source of support then its why is it appropriate for me to sleep with her when it suits me. This made me really angry because it implies I used her which I didn't, she chose to sleep with me too. She tried calling a few times so then I blocked her phone number. I feel bad because I know I've really hurt her and I know she likes me and I know she'sstruggling with her mental health as it is. And she once mentioned that her abusive ex would taunt her by saying no one would ever want her for more than sex. But on the other hand we are both adults and I made no promises, I feel like maybe she needs to grow up a bit. Am I bad for sleeping with her when i knew she wanted more? I am a bit worried about her brother finding out. Last time when we were hanging out with each other (from the break up In June to September) it ended up with her brother telling me to back off because I was giving her mixed signals. What should I do now?
stillafool Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 No, you shouldn't have had sex with her if you didn't want her back. This relationship sounds like a mess. You should keep her blocked this time. You need to have a talk with her brother and assure him you are moving on this time. 2
Author Demps87 Posted January 21, 2020 Author Posted January 21, 2020 3 minutes ago, stillafool said: No, you shouldn't have had sex with her if you didn't want her back. This relationship sounds like a mess. You should keep her blocked this time. You need to have a talk with her brother and assure him you are moving on this time. I agree it's a mess. What I don't agree with is the narrative that I was wrong to sleep with her. Which she also seems to think as she has claimed she feels used, we are both adults and she chose to sleep with me as much as I did so I never really saw the issue?
Piddy Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Demps87 said: Which she also seems to think as she has claimed she feels used, we are both adults and she chose to sleep with me as much as I did so I never really saw the issue? You were wrong sleeping with her. You knew she had issues of being used and you slept with her anyway. You don't come to this as equals unless you told her you had issues with being used for sex also. All the blames rests with you I'm afraid. You were thinking with your little head instead of your big head. Us men tend to do that sometimes. Edited January 21, 2020 by Piddy 5
JTSW Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 Stop messing this girl around. She has been through enough. You are shooting mixed signals out all over the place so it's no wonder she is confused. Do not say you wont rule your relationship out in the future when you have no intention of doing that. Stop using her. Keep her blocked and no longer talk to her because she has been keeping herself hopeful and available to get back together. Let the poor girl move on. 3
stillafool Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 54 minutes ago, Demps87 said: I agree it's a mess. What I don't agree with is the narrative that I was wrong to sleep with her. Which she also seems to think as she has claimed she feels used, we are both adults and she chose to sleep with me as much as I did so I never really saw the issue? I understand that. She wanted to have sex with you thinking it would get you two back together. You just wanted sex. You can have that with another girl not one you know whose heart is broken over you. 3
Author Demps87 Posted January 21, 2020 Author Posted January 21, 2020 49 minutes ago, JTSW said: Stop messing this girl around. She has been through enough. You are shooting mixed signals out all over the place so it's no wonder she is confused. Do not say you wont rule your relationship out in the future when you have no intention of doing that. Stop using her. Keep her blocked and no longer talk to her because she has been keeping herself hopeful and available to get back together. Let the poor girl move on. So it does appear that I used her? I didn't want that. I thought she knew I wanted nothing more, she chose to sleep with me so I made the assumption that it was ok. I do feel bad that I've upset her. It was never my intention. Would unblocking her to apologise make it worse then?
Miss Spider Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 (edited) First of all, she sounds crazy. Block her an keep her blocked. Secondly, you shouldn’t have stuck your D in crazy. Damage is done, so keep it out. Obviously she has some accountability here and she learned the hard way that sex doesn’t necessarily mean someone wants to be with her. However, you also have some accountability here also. Don’t hurt people just to get a nut. That’s my assessment. Block her and move on with life. Edited January 21, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
elaine567 Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 You were the dumper, she still wanted to get back with you, she thought sleeping with you would bring you closer, and it did you acted like all was hunky dory and she was getting you back. But you just wanted sex... and now she is hurt even more. Don't ever do that again. As the dumper you are in charge of your feelings, the dumpee is heartbroken and always wants you back. Using them for sex is pretty low behaviour Leave her alone, stop torturing her... 3 2
Author Demps87 Posted January 21, 2020 Author Posted January 21, 2020 22 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: First of all, she sounds crazy. Block her an keep her blocked. Secondly, you shouldn’t have stuck your D in crazy. Damage is done, so keep it out. Obviously she has some accountability here and she learned the hard way that sex doesn’t necessarily mean someone wants to be with her. However, you also have some accountability here also. Don’t hurt people just to get a nut. That’s my assessment. Block her and move on with life. Woah. I think you're a bit out of order there. I like the girl. How is she crazy? I think she's a bit damaged and perhaps a bit emotionally stunted, but don't throw the crazy word around about her or anyone mate . I didnt hurt her to just get a nut, if I wanted hust 'a nut' I would have slept with someone else by now and I haven't. I was in love with her. I still find her attractive but I dont want to be in a relationship right now. I feel bad about it, I'm not trying to paint her as 'crazy' at all, my point was only that shes an adult and like you said she has accountability. 1
2BGoodAgain Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 sorry to say this, but you're kinda playing around with her... i mean, you're both adults... and you both made decisions, but you KNOW she's more attached to you, regardless if she consents having sex with you.... so yeah, it's on her to stay away from you, but you aren't exactly making it easier on her either. it's also on you, to stay away from her, b/c to her, it's obvious to anyone that it isn't just sex. and to you, it is. so...uh... be nice, and STAY AWAY from her. don't hurt her more than you already have. I'm not saying you're a bad guy or anything, but yeah, you know it's messing with her head what you're doing too. b/c yeah, you're ok with just sex, but you KNOW she isn't. Give her a break, unless you WANT to cause her pain and anguish and like messing with her head... and i don't think you do. good luck, dude! 1
Author Demps87 Posted January 21, 2020 Author Posted January 21, 2020 2 minutes ago, elaine567 said: You were the dumper, she still wanted to get back with you, she thought sleeping with you would bring you closer, and it did you acted like all was hunky dory and she was getting you back. But you just wanted sex... and now she is hurt even more. Don't ever do that again. As the dumper you are in charge of your feelings, the dumpee is heartbroken and always wants you back. Using them for sex is pretty low behaviour Leave her alone, stop torturing her... I am remorseful about it by the way. I never intended to hurt her. I still care about her and I'm still attracted to her. I just can't be with her. More than anything I guess I'm looking for answers on how to move forward. On one hand I dont want to apologise and risk giving out further mixed signals because I know she will forgive me and try to be friendly again. On the other hand.. judging by the responses I was very much wrong and misjudged the situation. So surely I should apologise? 3
Author Demps87 Posted January 21, 2020 Author Posted January 21, 2020 1 hour ago, stillafool said: I understand that. She wanted to have sex with you thinking it would get you two back together. You just wanted sex. You can have that with another girl not one you know whose heart is broken over you. Also what if I don't actually want it with another girl? It still meant something to me. There was still a connection there, I just can't make a relationship with her work.
mark clemson Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 Strongly recommend you let the girl be so she can get the therapy she no doubt desperately needs after all that. 38 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Secondly, you shouldn’t have stuck your D in crazy. Just repeating those words of wisdom. Sometimes you don't know in advance but when you do, avoid. The beautiful and sexy trainwrecks are the worst IMO... 1
Author Demps87 Posted January 21, 2020 Author Posted January 21, 2020 4 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Strongly recommend you let the girl be so she can get the therapy she no doubt desperately needs after all that. Just repeating those words of wisdom. Sometimes you don't know in advance but when you do, avoid. The beautiful and sexy trainwrecks are the worst IMO... Yeah... I'm not cool with the 'crazy' word being slung around at all. She's had a bad life and like anyone would she has damage because of that. Shes not insane, she's actually pretty phenomenal and strong imo. Its in bad taste to call anyone who suffered trauma crazy and to act like people with mental health issues need to be 'avoided'. I never detailed her past so people could judge her for it, I only did to give context to the fact that it was hard to make the relationship work, I didnt end it because I wanted it to and also the fact I feel guilty that I've hurt someone who is already hurting. 3 1
Miss Spider Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 Imo if you knew she was unstable and had feelings for you and you slept with her, you must have been very thirsty. You’re attracted to her isn’t really a valid excuse. There are other attractive people out there. I am just saying if you keep messing with the heads/emotions of people who are mentally unwell, you might end up having a lot more to worry about than being offended over semantics. 1
Author Demps87 Posted January 21, 2020 Author Posted January 21, 2020 1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said: Imo if you knew she was unstable and had feelings for you and you slept with her, you must have been very thirsty. You’re attracted to her isn’t really a valid excuse. There are other attractive people out there. I am just saying if you keep messing with the heads/emotions of people who are mentally unwell, you might end up having a lot more to worry about than being offended over semantics. I don't exactly get what you're implying here. I also don't think you quite understand... I don't view her as a crazy person who is only good for sex. Nor do I think it means I was 'thirsty'. I was with her for over two years. I was very much in love with her and think she's a wonderful person. I'm aware there are other people. My whole point is that I'm confused that she feels used because it was never like that, I still care about her. I'm just not strong enough to build her up and myself at the moment and it ended up with arguments. I dont want to argue so I ended it. I'm sad that its come to this, I wanted her in my life but it always ends up in fights now. 1
Miss Spider Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 (edited) I was implying that people who are mentally unstable are more likely to be a danger to themselves or others. They should be getting help. You are trying to understand why she feels one way, when it seems a lot of her thinking is irrational. My point is that is that if she made it clear she wants to be in a relationship you and you don’t want that (for good reason), it’s better if you avoid contact with her. Continuing a relationship with her is asking for trouble when she has feelings for you in that way. Good luck to you both. x Edited January 21, 2020 by Cookiesandough
Whodatdog Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 You dont understand how she feels about you. You are fine having a FWB relationship with her, but she obviously has much stronger feelings for you, and as long as you keep in contact with her, she will think you want a relationship with her. Its just not the same. She is emotionally involved with you. You arent with her. Its really cruel of you to satisfy your own personal feelings when you are hurting her every time you do that. Its not about you, its about her, and staying in contact with her drags her back emotionally. You have to stop it. Like now. Stop texting and talking to her. Give her a chance to get over the emotional attachment. Its really difficult, and you arent helping one bit.
Author Demps87 Posted January 21, 2020 Author Posted January 21, 2020 25 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I was implying that people who are mentally unstable are more likely to be a danger to themselves or others. They should be getting help. You are trying to understand why she feels one way, when it seems a lot of her thinking is irrational. My point is that is that if she made it clear she wants to be in a relationship you and you don’t want that (for good reason), it’s better if you avoid contact with her. Continuing a relationship with her is asking for trouble when she has feelings for you in that way. Good luck to you both. x She's really not a danger to anyone. But I appreciate the advice. 1
2BGoodAgain Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 1 hour ago, Demps87 said: I am remorseful about it by the way. I never intended to hurt her. I still care about her and I'm still attracted to her. I just can't be with her. More than anything I guess I'm looking for answers on how to move forward. On one hand I dont want to apologise and risk giving out further mixed signals because I know she will forgive me and try to be friendly again. On the other hand.. judging by the responses I was very much wrong and misjudged the situation. So surely I should apologise? NC and move on. if you REALLY care about her... NC, be harsh, and that'll help her move on even faster. tbh, with you,.. being the "nice" guy/girl during a break up is more about YOU than the dumpee. YOU don't want to appear to be the bad guy, YOU don't want to go thru the uncomfortable feelings being the dumper/mean, YOU don't want to... see the trend? anyway, you'll only be the bad guy if you continue playing w/ her feelings. NC and block her for her own good, and you move on. 1
Author Demps87 Posted January 21, 2020 Author Posted January 21, 2020 34 minutes ago, Whodatdog said: You dont understand how she feels about you. You are fine having a FWB relationship with her, but she obviously has much stronger feelings for you, and as long as you keep in contact with her, she will think you want a relationship with her. Its just not the same. She is emotionally involved with you. You arent with her. Its really cruel of you to satisfy your own personal feelings when you are hurting her every time you do that. Its not about you, its about her, and staying in contact with her drags her back emotionally. You have to stop it. Like now. Stop texting and talking to her. Give her a chance to get over the emotional attachment. Its really difficult, and you arent helping one bit. I get where you're coming from and now I get how she must of felt but I'm confused myself which Is probably why i let it happen. I didn't end it because I wanted to, I felt like I had to because we were arguing too often and we were both in bad places mentally. I'm not even a FWB kind of guy. I really only sleep with girls I'm in a relationship with. I've only ever had one night stand and I regrette it. So apart from that, my ex is the only time I've had sex without commitment. It's hard to think of myself with anyone else right now but I can't commit to her either. Is it worth messaging to her at some point down the line? I'm thinking if I give her a month or two to heal then maybe I could
BC1980 Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 The thing about women is that they equate sex with with a guy wanting a relationship with them. For whatever reason, we're just wired that way. She may tell you that she understands you don't want a relationship, but she's still wanting to get back together with you. She'll still feel used. In general, men and women view sex very differently, and it causes a lot of relationship problems. This knowledge won't help you with this relationship, but it can help you in the future.TBH, she kind of lied to you by sleeping with you under the assumption she was okay with no relationship.
mark clemson Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 @Demps87 Apologies if I came across as flip about someone you care about. After all she's been through, this young woman probably has issues that are outside of your ability to solve. Hence the recommendation to let her go. You should probably suggest she seek therapy if she's not already getting it (I didn't read every the response post) as I'm guessing she could use it.
Author Demps87 Posted January 21, 2020 Author Posted January 21, 2020 7 minutes ago, mark clemson said: @Demps87 Apologies if I came across as flip about someone you care about. After all she's been through, this young woman probably has issues that are outside of your ability to solve. Hence the recommendation to let her go. You should probably suggest she seek therapy if she's not already getting it (I didn't read every the response post) as I'm guessing she could use it. No worries, no need to apologise. I'm probably being over sensitive. Yeah I see your point, thanks. it's one thing we would always argue about. I would want to solve every problem for her and she would always tell me it wasn't my job to fix her. But watching her struggle was painful. She was seeking therapy before we were official but the mental health services in our area are dire then i guess I took on the role of support, things looked better for her and it was forgotten about. She has pursued it since breaking up, from what I've been told. 2
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