Author Gaeta Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 32 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said: but it seems like you have been complaining of this relationship/guy for a bit now...(?) Nah, nothing major, just venting. Helps sometimes.
introverted1 Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Zero. We are not married, and we don't officially live under the same roof. I did not feel he had a saying in this. Gaeta, I get this but I can also see where he might feel slighted. After all, you have been together a long time and a child in the mix changes everything. I am not sure it is reasonable to think this would not have an impact. 3
Author Gaeta Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: No say after 4 years and practically seeing one another every day... The teen is my daughter's sister. I was not going to turn her down in a moment of crisis. It started with 30 days, then 3 months, and it turned into till 18. My daughter did not want her sister to live with strangers, I did not want her to go live with strangers. You may not agree with my priorities but saving this child from entering the public social services was more important than my boyfriend's need of attention. 2 1
scooby-philly Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Hey @Gaeta - Sorry to hear about your difficulties. Are you mad or upset with him or are you mad and upset with the changes going on in your body due to age. I'm not saying he couldn't be more supportive and understanding. There's probably room for a good conversation about that. But what's prompting you to feel this way? He's made it clear that the problem to him is time. What's the problem in your mind? If it's the sex - it could be you were denying him for a while in the beginning of this dry spell, and then as the time spent together diminished, he felt you were going cold on him. I'm not excusing his lack of understanding or lack of apparent attempts to talk this out like adults. But in reality, it's a two way street. And counseling doesn't have to be for "major issues" only. Sounds like he could use some perspective other than his own and you both really need to sit down and talk things out.
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 6 minutes ago, Gaeta said: but saving this child from entering the public social services was more important than my boyfriend's need of attention. I noticed the thread title has the word "We" in it... This quote is completely devoid of any "We", i think that is the problem. 3
Author Gaeta Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 25 minutes ago, scooby-philly said: What's the problem in your mind? I spent 5 mins looking at your question not knowing what to answer. Maybe it's this blue Monday. We've been in winter for 3 months, no day light after 4pm. No wonder Canadians head to Cuba every February.
Author Gaeta Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 21 minutes ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said: I noticed the thread title has the word "We" in it... This quote is completely devoid of any "We", i think that is the problem. I told him I knew it would change our lives but I could not 'not do it', and if he wanted to walk away I'd be devastated but I'd understand he did not signed up for this. He told me he understood she needed me, and her security and well being came first, that children always come first and he will adapt. He's been there for her ever since, she trust him, he's the strong male figure she needed. 2 1
Els Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: The teen is my daughter's sister. I was not going to turn her down in a moment of crisis. It started with 30 days, then 3 months, and it turned into till 18. My daughter did not want her sister to live with strangers, I did not want her to go live with strangers. You may not agree with my priorities but saving this child from entering the public social services was more important than my boyfriend's need of attention. I'm childfree, but I can understand why you would do this and I commend you for doing it. It's not like you were producing a child without consulting him, you were saving a child (whom you are close to) from a dark future. It's something that someone had to do, and I think it sounds like he understands. I really think that you could swing the kid, dog, and menopause, if you cut down on the housework as much as possible. 3
Ellener Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: Thank you elaine for your words of encouragement lol You remember the gospel song, 'this little light of mine'? I once saw Maya Angelou fail to get a huge croud singing it. Nonetheless, like her, 'don't let anyone blow it out...'. Love relationships come in many random packages. Love and appreciate the ones which fall your way.... 1
Ellener Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 20 minutes ago, Elswyth said: cut down on the housework as much as possible. Always a worthwhile goal in my book... 1
major_merrick Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) Your partner has been telling you in his own way that your focus needs to be adjusted. If the dishes and housework are in your way, let some of it go for a while. Use paper plates or something. My husband's family has a story about his grandmother, who at one point was so frustrated with being a housewife and being unappreciated that she took all the dishes and threw them out rather than wash them again. Sometimes, you just have to STOP and change things up. As for the lack of sex and other kinds of touch, I suspect that your frustration has been kind of off-putting to your partner. I went through a brief period of frustration and anger around Christmas. My partners did not react favorably to it, and the amount of sex, touch, and attention that I got decreased rapidly. Sometimes when I want it, I have to be convincing, especially with my husband. I get super close and I let my body heat do the work. There's even been a couple of times when I've had to take his hand and put his fingers in the right spot to let him know that I'm ready to go. Just insist on it, and I doubt your partner will say no. I'll also add, sometimes having a habit is helpful. With my partners, we have a habit of making contact. Like passing in the hall or entering the kitchen, we just make brief contact with either a hand or a kiss or just some physical acknowledgement of the other person's presence. After a while, it becomes second nature. I also have tried to have a habit of availability. For example, when my husband gets home from work, I'm in the garage when he puts the car away. With no kids around, I'm there for his use if he wants me. Edited January 20, 2020 by major_merrick
Redhead14 Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 There is no reason why a teenager can't help with clearing the table and doing the dishes . . . she can help vacuum and dust as well . . . delegate and have her make a contribution to the household as well and teach/prepare her for a life of her own. You also say you're experiencing menopause. You'll need to be good to yourself and manage symptoms. Make some time for each other as well after dinner. Take a nice walk even if it's only 15 minutes or half an hour. 4
Author Gaeta Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 I remember feeling that way in my marriage. I was young and inexperienced and put the blame on him, it's harder at 25 to see your part in the big picture. The blame accumulated with the years and so on. My bf text me hello this afternoon, he never texts, he's doing this to reach to me. I sent a short text saying I will stop cleaning all the time and will concentrate on the important things in life like him. He thanked me and said it's a really good thing. 3
Author Gaeta Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 Last night he reminded me when he tried to cook dinner for us I kicked him out of the kitchen with *you're not putting grease all over my kitchen* (I could kick myself in the head right now....)
lana-banana Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 I think counseling is a good idea. You say there's no conflict, but at the least it sounds like you still have some difficulties in communicating wants and needs and priorities. Getting a neutral third party to help evaluate where things are going wrong and where they could go better could really benefit you. Two months without sex is a long time; I know hormone changes can be wild, but it's worth hearing his perspective too. Have you talked about it?
Author Gaeta Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 31 minutes ago, lana-banana said: Two months without sex is a long time; I know hormone changes can be wild, but it's worth hearing his perspective too. Have you talked about it? Yes, I told him a few times I am sorry for being tired and not in the mood and I am worried how he's feeling through this. He says he understand it's a phase of life I have to go through and he's a patient man.
kendahke Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 What has your doctor recommended for your menopausal symptoms? It's no joke going through it, that's for sure. The hot flashes, for me, was the worst of it. I learned to appreciate cotton in the winter. Do you desire your boyfriend anymore?
Ellener Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 1 hour ago, lana-banana said: Two months without sex is a long time Really?! On some versions of planet earth maybe, it's been pretty normal for me, even during menopause
chillii Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, Gaeta said: You know the trap: I feel I am taken for granted, he feels I don't give him enough attention. I feel he doesn't help me when he's around, he feels I should spend my time with him and not over dirty dishes. He feels we don't go away anymore, I feel it's too complicated to go away for now. We have not touched in 2 months, I am too tired or he's too tired. I want to get out of this!! Oh noooo, sorry Gaeta. l've got a real soft spot for you bc there's often a lot of soul in the help you are for people here , me included a few times to , instead of the usual cut throat stuff about. But shyt , crossroads for you guys huh , damn. First up l'd just like to say , mutual too tired, that's ok. People put too much pressure and expectations on themselves , it's ok to be tired, it's ok to take a few months out. Things can easily still turn again later on when your both feeling better, just try to keep guilt and pressure out of it. But l think it is important to at least just hold , hands, some touch, some contact, anything , just some small touch, just in your day to day around each other, keep the connections open. Personally , l think exactly the same about going away or doing things. l'm just home atm for holidays, and a lot of wkends to lately, and that's where l'm staying for now, it's been bloody beautiful and one of the nicest and restful holidays l've had in a lonnnggg time. The rest , l really don't know , but it's a common place to find yourselves , it's not just you two. l guess if your truly into each other and wanna be together , you try, not too hard though, to figure it out ride it out and just see how it goes. Good luck anyway. Edited January 20, 2020 by chillii 1 1
FMW Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 My take - You're just feeling overwhelmed. Menopause can really make it difficult to deal with even the slightest inconvenience, and you have a lot going on. Your opening post said you want to get out. I'm guessing that's not really the case, you just want to feel some peace and feel in control of things. The physical part of your relationship with your boyfriend is a casualty of your stress. Since you can't take any kind of medications or supplements, maybe try meditation and/or yoga focused on calming all the thoughts swimming frantically around in your head. It takes some effort for me, but if I concentrate it really does help, especially guided meditations (lots available on YouTube). I'm sure finding the time to do that with your other responsibilities might also be a challenge, but maybe your boyfriend could hold the fort down, so to speak, while you take 20 minutes alone to decompress. Maybe just a bubble bath with aroma therapy. I've been through the crazies and depressive moods of menopause, and was pleasantly surprised how helpful some of the "woo woo" practices can be. 2
Interstellar Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 Set aside one day of the week to go to a movie or a date and don’t talk about problems for those few hours.
Miss Spider Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, Ellener said: Really?! On some versions of planet earth maybe, it's been pretty normal for me, even during menopause It is for guys (and some ladies). Usually they want it at least once a day if not multiple . Life gets in the way sometimes you get in a rut after being a couple for awhile. Plus I understand she’s just not feeling it. I think Interstellar is right that maybe Gaeta and her guy could take a date night to just to chill focus on each other. Then maybe should wear something sexy and put it on him later. Edited January 21, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
Author Gaeta Posted January 21, 2020 Author Posted January 21, 2020 4 hours ago, kendahke said: What has your doctor recommended for your menopausal symptoms? It's no joke going through it, that's for sure. The hot flashes, for me, was the worst of it. I learned to appreciate cotton in the winter. Do you desire your boyfriend anymore? I would have to look into medicine like for epilepsy or some antidepressant that regulates the body thermostat without using hormones. My life isn't a nighmare enough for me to start touching those. Yes I desire him very much.....between 18h and 20h, after that I am useless lol
Art_Critic Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 Sounds a little like SAD on both parties, winter time just sucks.. Chin up, maybe you need to do something together to rediscover each other.. Create a new hobby you both would enjoy.. 1
Author Gaeta Posted January 21, 2020 Author Posted January 21, 2020 Tonight kiddo had a 2 hour tutoring at a study center. BF and I fully enjoyed that 2 hours alone, it felt wonderful to be lovers again with free time ahead of us and the home to ourselves. We spoke about going to his place once in a while to get that needed time alone. 4 1
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