Gaeta Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 You know the trap: I feel I am taken for granted, he feels I don't give him enough attention. I feel he doesn't help me when he's around, he feels I should spend my time with him and not over dirty dishes. He feels we don't go away anymore, I feel it's too complicated to go away for now. We have not touched in 2 months, I am too tired or he's too tired. I want to get out of this!! 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Gaeta said: You know the trap: I feel I am taken for granted, he feels I don't give him enough attention. I feel he doesn't help me when he's around, he feels I should spend my time with him and not over dirty dishes. He feels we don't go away anymore, I feel it's too complicated to go away for now. We have not touched in 2 months, I am too tired or he's too tired. I want to get out of this!! Sounds like a deteriorating marriage....but, you are only talking about dating, right? Seriously...being in a relationship is exhausting. Neither party gets enough sleep. Both are still dealing with insecurity issues from previous relationships. Worrying about money, job, who will clean the dishes (both already too tired), when it's time to plan and just get away....ugh. Edited January 20, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020
Author Gaeta Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 10 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: .but, you are only talking about dating, right? We each have our place but spend most our time together. We've been together 4 years. We are together I'd say 5 days out of 7.
lurker74 Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Congratulations, @Gaeta. You are in a much better place than you were 7 minutes ago (as I type this, your post is 6 minutes old). Why? Because you have change the path that you are on by stating everything so clearly and by stating your goal clearly. You "want to get out of this." Now, if getting out is only ending the relationship, then sadly, it's time to admit that. But if getting out of this is getting out of the trap and back on to a better path, you're halfway there by admitting that the path that you were on only ever ended in one spot. You know the path from here, though. You've advised thousands on LS about what needs to be done. I am here to remind you that the downward spiral that you're on can become an upward spiral if you both want it. The first step is to remember what it felt like when you both were in love at your peak. Do you want that back? Does he? If the answer is yes, it's another step. But ultimately, you have to remember to turn toward each other regularly. We do this without thinking when we start romantic relationships but we stop doing it often as things age. And once it stops, you have to intentionally do it to get it to happen. And then we tell ourselves that if we have to try to turn toward our partner (and vice versa) that it's not worth it. BS. It's worth it. It's worth it because any idiot can fall in love. But when someone CHOOSES to love you, it means so much more. And once that choice is made and he turns toward you by cleaning the bathroom and you turn toward him by booking hotel sex, it becomes easier. And eventually, easier becomes exciting. But you have to decide if you want to go where that path takes you first. 1 1
Els Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 20 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I feel I am taken for granted, he feels I don't give him enough attention. I feel he doesn't help me when he's around, he feels I should spend my time with him and not over dirty dishes. What about getting a dishwasher? Seriously, not being facetious, that amazing apparatus saved H and I a looooooot of stress. I think this sort of adjustment is fairly normal when it comes to living together (or semi-living together as in your case). It can be frustrating, but IMO it's one of those situations where spending some money really does solve the problem. 20 minutes ago, Gaeta said: He feels we don't go away anymore, I feel it's too complicated to go away for now. Could you elaborate on the reasons? 20 minutes ago, Gaeta said: We have not touched in 2 months, I am too tired or he's too tired. I want to get out of this!! Why does being tired mean you cannot touch at all? Or do you mean that you haven't had sex for 2 months (but you do touch)?
Miss Spider Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 I’m sorry, Gaeta. Sounds like you are overwhelmed. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to make the relationship a priority and not let it slip. Maybe if you feel you can’t it is time to move on.:(
Author Gaeta Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 6 minutes ago, Elswyth said: What about getting a dishwasher? I think this sort of adjustment is fairly normal when it comes to living together (or semi-living together as in your case). It can be frustrating, but IMO it's one of those situations where spending some money really does solve the problem. Could you elaborate on the reasons? Why does being tired mean you cannot touch at all? Or do you mean that you haven't had sex for 2 months (but you do touch)? I always had a dishwasher but there is still cleaning up the table, scrubbing pots, stove top, etc. Then preparing the lunches for following day, starting a couple loads of laundry, walking the dog, helping kiddo with her project or homework, I never ever stop. I get home at 6h and I stop when I go to bed at 10h. When we first went away on a weekend after my foster-daughter moved in social-services told me it's ok to go away once in a while but if I do that too often they'll question if I am really a good home for her. Also my dog is old now, and deaf, I only trust my daughter to take care of him at my place. I don't want to monopolize her life. We touch, and embrace, and sleep in each other's arms, but no sex in 2 months. I take 80% of the blame here. I am transitioning into menopause and I have like 10 hot flashes per night, I don't sleep properly, I am exhausted, I wish I could crawl out of my body at times. 1
2BGoodAgain Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 if this is a marriage or even a relationship.... 1) figure out if you want to keep it. 2) if yes, get MC. 3) if no, then end it.
Author Gaeta Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 1 minute ago, 2BGoodAgain said: 2) if yes, get MC. I am not sure why you consider we need marriage counseling. We love each other, we respect each other, there is no conflict of any kind.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Well, no conflict of any kind doesn't sound completely accurate, but I get what you are trying to suggest. Why haven't you moved in together? Foster requirements? 80% percent of the blame for going into menopause. Nonsense. That's not on you at all. What is the other 20%? Being too tired (and frustrated)? Too many couples are simply too exhausted mentally and physically to keep the relationship at a level both parties will be satisfied even most of the time. Reality is that you JUST NEED TO FIND WAYS TO DO IT ANYWAY. Take more naps together. Do things that are chill...stop cleaning for a bit and just relax and recoup. 2-months without sex cannot just be from menopause...does he initiate as enthusiastically as in the past? 1
Els Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I always had a dishwasher but there is still cleaning up the table, scrubbing pots, stove top, etc. Then preparing the lunches for following day, starting a couple loads of laundry, walking the dog, helping kiddo with her project or homework, I never ever stop. I get home at 6h and I stop when I go to bed at 10h. Wow, okay. I understand why you are doing all this, but with all due respect, do you consider ALL of these things to be more important than your relationship? I mean, cleaning the stovetop a bit less frequently, or eating out for lunch sometimes instead of preparing all your lunches at home... are those really not possibilities? Could you hire a cleaner occasionally? What about getting a dog-walker to help out a few days a week? I don't think it's really possible for anyone to "have it all" - the perfectly-kept house, save every penny, cook every meal, great relationship, great career, kids, etc. At some point you gotta choose which ones are more important to you, and sacrifice the less-important ones. Quote When we first went away on a weekend after my foster-daughter moved in social-services told me it's ok to go away once in a while but if I do that too often they'll question if I am really a good home for her. Also my dog is old now, and deaf, I only trust my daughter to take care of him at my place. I don't want to monopolize her life. I personally think it's a bit ridiculous that they would dock someone for going away on one weekend every 1-2 months. Even full parents (adopted/bio) have the babysitter come over sometimes for a night or a weekend, it's not indicative of a bad home. If the parents are miserable the child certainly won't be happy. Quote We touch, and embrace, and sleep in each other's arms, but no sex in 2 months. I take 80% of the blame here. I am transitioning into menopause and I have like 10 hot flashes per night, I don't sleep properly, I am exhausted, I wish I could crawl out of my body at times. Menopause can be rough, I empathize. If you don't feel up for intercourse, maybe just do oral for each of you? Edited January 20, 2020 by Elswyth 1
2BGoodAgain Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 14 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I am not sure why you consider we need marriage counseling. We love each other, we respect each other, there is no conflict of any kind. MC or couples therapy... the point is, you two aren't happy with the status quo, right? there's nothing wrong with getting help, if you two have tried talking to together, and nothing seems to be working. i just simplified the choice structure. how you proceed or the way you do it.... is up to you.
Author Gaeta Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 4 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Why haven't you moved in together? Foster requirements? 80% percent of the blame for going into menopause. Nonsense. That's not on you at all. What is the other 20%? Being too tired (and frustrated)? Too many couples are simply too exhausted mentally and physically to keep the relationship at a level both parties will be satisfied even most of the time. Reality is that you JUST NEED TO FIND WAYS TO DO IT ANYWAY. Take more naps together. Do things that are chill...stop cleaning for a bit and just relax and recoup. 2-months without sex cannot just be from menopause...does he initiate as enthusiastically as in the past? There is a long list of technical reasons we don't live together. I own my home, he rents. He cannot qualify for a mortgage on a working permit and his permanent residency will be issued in 2021. He cannot move in with me, my place is too small for a 3rd person with all his belonging. If you don't know how menopause feels like then we cannot debate it together. Yes my bf is enthusiastic about sex but I've turned him down quite a bit so he's a little more reserved.
Author Gaeta Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 4 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said: if you two have tried talking to together, and nothing seems to be working. We had our first conversation about it last night.
2BGoodAgain Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Just now, Gaeta said: We had our first conversation about it last night. gosh... I thought you were like at the end of your rope. lol...... ohhh, in THAT case... it's too early! Keep talking... who knows what will pop up. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 I understand what and how menopause affects women. I had not intention of debating the debilitating aspects of it, rather, suggesting that it is not YOUR FAULT that you are going through it and it is affecting your desire for sex. You simply need to find ways to alleviate the effects by seeing a physician or other possible remedies or activities. So, what is the other 20% of the reason?
Author Gaeta Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 Elswyth No, it’s what I am realizing now, clean dishes and stove top aren’t more important than my relationship. He’s been telling me in his own way but my take on it was if you want me to spend time with you then help me do those chores and I will have time. I have a cleaning lady since November, it helps me a great deal! Just not having to scrub the bathroom is a load off my shoulders. My dog walker moved away L. I even started ordering my groceries online! So I don’t have to spend an hour maybe more running around stores. I agree with you it’s ridiculous what social services told me. When we go away she stays with my daughter, her half-sister, I don’t leave her with strangers or leave her alone. I don’t feel for anything in bed! I just want to crash and sleep. He knows I am exhausted. Last night at 9 pm he convinced me put away the dish towels and go to bed, I woke up rested and I thanked him for insisting. 1
Author Gaeta Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 10 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: You simply need to find ways to alleviate the effects by seeing a physician or other possible remedies or activities. So, what is the other 20% of the reason? Unfortunately I am not allowed to any medicine, not even natural medicine, I am at high risk of a blood clothe. I'd say the other 20% is him being tired too. He works 6 days a week, physical work, he's 53. I might be in the mood but it happens on the day he laid hardwood floors for 10 hours.
Ellener Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 So you just adopted a teenager and your partner feels neglected? Sounds like you now have two teenagers to me! ( sorry! couldn't resist that ) He either gets on the same page with what now has to be the priority- a child- and deals, or he's no longer a good fit for you. Be gentle but tell him that and the menopause stuff. Tell him to at least give you some breathing space to adapt to all these changes.
thefooloftheyear Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 I don't follow old threads nearly as much as others, but it seems like you have been complaining of this relationship/guy for a bit now...(?) Maybe its time to move on,. but I don't know all the details nor all the facts.. Either way I wish you the best... TFY
elaine567 Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 How much discussion was there between your bf and you, before you accepted this foster daughter into your home? You are stressed out/tired out, you cannot now leave the kid alone with your dog in case she hurts him, and your relationship is also falling apart... 1 1
Els Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) 27 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I have a cleaning lady since November, it helps me a great deal! Just not having to scrub the bathroom is a load off my shoulders. My dog walker moved away L. I even started ordering my groceries online! So I don’t have to spend an hour maybe more running around stores. Yes, it helps a ton, I'm glad you are trying these options. We also get dinner delivered some evenings, or go out to eat. Sure, we'd save a lot more money if we didn't pay for all these conveniences, but we probably also wouldn't have the kind of relationship and life that we have now. IMO paying for more time is one of the best uses of money, if you can afford it. Quote I don’t feel for anything in bed! I just want to crash and sleep. He knows I am exhausted. I think it's OK if you don't orgasm, I personally find cunnilingus can be very relaxing, kind of like a spa. Go in without any expectations, just do things that feel intimate and that relax both of you. Not necessarily every day, but maybe at least on weekends? Edited January 20, 2020 by Elswyth
Author Gaeta Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 13 minutes ago, elaine567 said: How much discussion was there between your bf and you, before you accepted this foster daughter into your home? Zero. We are not married, and we don't officially live under the same roof. I did not feel he had a saying in this.
Author Gaeta Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 17 minutes ago, elaine567 said: You are stressed out/tired out, you cannot now leave the kid alone with your dog in case she hurts him, and your relationship is also falling apart... Thank you elaine for your words of encouragement lol
elaine567 Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 No say after 4 years and practically seeing one another every day... 5
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