MMlight Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 I have a delima, and I really have no one to ask. I found this site and I was hoping that I could get some insight from others, after you hear my problem. My sister is in her mid-twenties, and is seeing someone in their mid forties. Now before you dismiss this, let me fill you in alittle about me sister. At age 17, my sister was ready to alope with her alcholic boyfriend (who joined the army, because he got kicked out of school and couldn't hold a job!) and we weren't going to find out about this until she was in texas with him and married. When we "accidentally" found out about the plans, my parents knew they couldn't stop her, and were worried that they would lose her, so they gave her a proper wedding. She was only married for 1 year, before she grew tired of him. Before the marriage was even over, she found someone else. She wasn't even going to tell us about him until she was in New York with him. It just so happened that things didn't work out the way they planned, and she had to come home for awhile, so she HAD to tell us about "NY" man! After moving home, it was only a few months and she met someone else. "NY" man was no more. This new man, let's call me "Crud", she and him were in the longest relationship she has ever had. 6yrs. They have 2 beautiful little girls (my nieces). He was never a good boyfriend, or father to her or my nieces. 2 to 3 months ago, she called it quits with him. I found it a bit strange how fast and abruptly she called it quits with him, so I wondered if once again my sister had found another man. I would question my sister about this, to find her tring her best to lie to me, to cover up any type of anything! I started to investigate this matter. I came to find she was messing around with a 45 yr old, that she works with. After questioning her about it, she informs me that he and his wife are recently going through a divorce, because he was messing around with a 24 year old chick at work, and that they are just friends. I could tell she was lieing to me. so I continued with my little investigation and found that all signs are pointing to her, that she was the 24 year old that help break up the marriage, and that they had been having an affair with each other, while he was married and she was still with "Crud". I decided to interrigate her. Get her to tell me the truth. I got part of it out of her. She is still lieing to me and her family about him. they have been looking for a house together. This I found out by accident. Here is my delima. I have been luck to be a 2nd mother to my nieces, and I have been witnessing the distruction that the split between there mother and there father has done to them. They also now have to watch there mother and father with different people. They have let me know they don't like it, and when I try to tell my sister this, she spazes out and basically tells me to mind my own business. I hold family in high reguard. Your famiy comes first before anything else. I my eyes what she is doing is wrong. 1.) She is putting her own wants before her family 2.) She is seeing a man that I view as nasty and I have NO respect for him, for chasing tail from someone who is 20 yrs younger than him and cheats on his wife to do so. 3.) I have lost respect for my sister, more so now than ever. I have done my best to forgive her for the flagerent actions in the past, and always putting us on the back burner, but I cannot excuse it this time. Because we aren't the only ones she is burning. She is burning my nieces as well. My oldest niece (4 yrs) has been acting out. Tempertantrums, hitting, biteing. My sister took her to a counciler once! That didn't get anywhere. So we sat her down to talk with her ourselfs. She told my sister to her face, she doesn't like seeing mommy with "mr.45" and not with daddy. I asked my sister if she would stop seeing this man, or at least slow down, she said no! and that she just wouldn't bring the girls around him as much. This has yet to happen. I am sorry for my ramblings, but I am at a loss. I feel that this relationship is wrong in many aspects. The way it came about, the way it is being protrayed, and the people it is hurting. My question is, do you feel I am reading to much into this? Should I just let it go? I don't know what to do. In my eyes, all I see is disaster, and I can't watch my nieces get hurt in the cross fire. I have been thinking of walking away and letting my sister that as long as she is with this man, and she continues to lie, I will have no part in her life, and yet I don't want to lose my nieces. I don't know how to Cope with this. Some help is needed. PLEASE!!!
Outcast Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 Your job is to support your sister and your nieces. No more trash talking the new guy - not to the kids, anyway. If you don't like the guy, tell her once and then shut up about it and be there for the kids. Help them cope, don't make them feel worse. Maybe you don't like that they're divorced but that's not your business - but helping the kids to cope can be.
sundrop Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 Your sister sounds just like a good friend of mine and sadly you would do more good banging your head against a brick wall than trying to change their minds, or make them come to their sinces. My friend is very unstable just as your sister, and my friend to flops back and forth from man to man. We have tried to do an intervention with her and tyr to say for her childrens sake to chill out around the kids, but she gets mad for a few days and never listens to us, but what are you to do? IMO, The only thing you can do is be the stability that her kids need. Be a good role model for them. because if your sister is anything like my friend(and they sound just alike) there is nothing more you can do. They are hard headed and going to live their life and do what they want.
lilmoma1973 Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 Hey MM, I feel for you and i know your heart is in the right place but she is going to see you as being against her if you aren't for her man .. She probably will eventually leave this other man because of all the men that she has went through.. I would try and be there for her that is all you can do right now .. If she knows that you are against her and that guy then she might even keep the children for you!!
Author MMlight Posted October 5, 2005 Author Posted October 5, 2005 No more trash talking the new guy - not to the kids, anyway. Help them cope, don't make them feel worse. I want to thank you all for your comments, I will re-read them again, and try to find a way for a happy medium. However, I did want to clear up a few this with you Outcast. 1.) I have NEVER talked trash about the new guy to my nieces!! 2.) I have been helping them cope the best I can. I DO NOT make them feel worse. With that said, again want to thank you for your words of wisdom. Althought I do feel anger towards the situation, I do have to be there for my nieces:o and if that means, trying to get alone with my sisters new man, well....I guess we'll see what comes of it.
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